A story in the making(please read and critique)
 

Here is a story about a guy and a girl that fall in love and stumble upon a great secret
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The Prelude
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Jane was a Duchess of her time in a land that no has heard of, because it never existed, or so they though. Drania was an island that no one could find unless you knew, or stumbled upon how to get there, and only a handful of people knew how that could be. Those that knew about it say that they could only get there in a canoe made of gopher wood whose outside was covered in tar. The reasoning for the gopher wood and tar was because it was the only way to make an invisible veil open to another time. The Duchess was chosen as the most beautiful and educated woman in the land who would unlikely be from twenty-first century America. She would have a firm grasp on reality, be well educated in politics, and be firm in her abilities in the persuasion of men.

She was not always known as Jane, she would only be known as such when she ruled over Drania, and was only known as Duchess when she had a husband. He would be known as Duke only for the purpose of there being one. The Duke was more of a regent. His name was James, but like Jane, he was not always known as James. Drania was a place for people of all places and times to come and live peacefully and in harmony. They neither knew nor cared about where the inhabitants of Drania came from, all they knew is that they belonged there. Part of the duties of the Duchess would be to meet the newcomers, whenever they came and make a record of them in the city manifest. If they did not know the English language, the language of the Duchess, it was the duty of the welcoming party to make sure that it was so. Language professors from many different eras would come and teach those who did not know the language of the Duchess how to greet and make small talk with the Duchess.

Time in Drania was not measured in any way, shape, or form. There was no concept of it, so no one was late, or early. Time in Drania did not exist, and yet in all other times and places, time never went by from when you came and when you left. Drania was a place where you could go and live the life you've always dreamed and it would be as if you never went anywhere but on a small vacation. The Veil of Time was never in one specific place at a specific time. When one was miserable, or even happy, one would go out on a lake, or river, or any body of water and be there in "no time". People would go there, meet the love of their life, spend a lifetime with them and die. When this would happen, they would simply wake up in their canoe, return home, and would resume their life as normal. They would still retain memories of the their time in Drania but knew that they could never speak of it, for their voice would never be heard of again. If one where to write about their time in Drania or the history of it, they would simply die of a heart attack.
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More of the story at a later time, cuz I'm tired.

You ask for critiques? You got ‘em!

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While not confusing, the sentence seems needlessly convoluted. I’d drop the ‘or so they thought’.
‘Duchess’ doesn’t need to be capitalized unless it’s “Duchess Jane”.
‘thought’ instead of ‘though’.

If you can only find it if you know it’s there, I don’t see how it could be stumbled upon. Especially since speaking of it makes you loose your voice and writing about it gives you a heart attack. I’d drop the ‘stumbled upon how to get there’.

I’m confused, how can they talk about if they are supposed to loose their voice doing so?

I’d explain this later. Unless you’re going to give the reader an exact reason for the gopher wood and tar, as opposed to something else, I’d just drop this for now.

‘Duchess’ doesn’t need to be capitalized unless it’s referring to Jane directly. “Duchess Jane”.
Also, any particular reason that this is so unlikely? It sounds a little like you, as the author, really don’t like women from American in this era. I’m not entirely sure you meant to come off like that.

I’d change the first comma to a semi-colon and drop the second comma.

This doesn’t make any sense to me. Dukes and duchesses only exist when there is a king, queen, or some other form of monarchy, which gives land out. If there is only the duchess who rules over Drania, that means that Drania is part of a larger kingdom, yes? And if there is a larger kingdom, why does Drania need a duke? There must be a king/queen somewhere.

There is a ‘the’ before ‘their’, which should be dropped. There should also be a comma after “Drania” and before “but”.

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This sounds a little like you’re telling a fairy tale. Was it meant to sound like that?

It also sounds a bit like a horror story, to me. For all the good things that can happen in Drania, it seems like ‘waking up’ after you die or some such would invite all sorts of mental scarring. Especially depending on religious and/or cultural beliefs.

If you’re trying to start a fairy tale, I think this seems fine technically and grammatically. But it moves awfully fast. You’re cramming a lot of information into these first few paragraphs without any plot or action. While the explanation is clearly needed, you might consider stretching it out so that you can fit in plot/action/characters who will keep the reader’s attention.

Good luck with it!