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The Truth about Crazies like me XD (comment please?)
I am 23 years old. I write in an open style, and I try to at least make sure that my poems are spelled correctly.
I am getting really tired of people telling my that my poems suck, or are crap because I lack punctuation. I have always had issues using punctuation and if I'm correct, grammar is not only about punctuation, but is also about the spelling among other things. I write for the chance that I can touch someone else with my work, as meager as you all seem to think it is. Some of my work has been submitted to online contests and My work has been one of the few to be selected to be published in books, if I had the money at the time I would have gotten said books as further proof, but I did not have the funds available to me seeing as how I was only in high school and jobless. From the same people I have gotten an Editors Choice award which I am pretty sure is some where at home with my mother. Have a good day and enjoy, or if you don't, then so be it. I didn't make you read them. I do like comments, and I dont mind critiques, just don't be rude with them. Index Burn Soul Burn/Laugh it frightens People Death's Favorite Thing How Much I Travel the Dark Road Heart of Darkness In My Head The Daisy Petal Says Collection Silent Tears Forbidden Untitled Heart of Glass Shadow Mirror Untitled My Divinity Untitled Mirror |
Come on now! If poetry is expressive and open, how can you block out grammar? Be friendly and open-minded and people will be willing to help and offer advice. You shouldn't hate something that is (I don't want to say vital) but very important..
Yes poetry is expressive, but let's say your poem was written something like: "A brokn hrt frm smpel kiss Hard give the chanc to blom A fragil xistance A harden S hell" Makes it hard to read huh? And a bit hard to take seriously. Luckily yours isn't like that. It's important to always attempt to better yourself and expanding your grammar is essential to a poet such as yourself. |
I mean like the punctuation kind of thingy...... like periods and commas, and all that crap XD
Burn Soul Burn A broken heart from simple kisses Hardly given the chance to bloom A fragile Existence A hardened Shell Caged inside my mind no chains to hold me I'm simply forever Doomed So afraid and forlorn I have nothing to hold but the darkness Terrified of nothing and afraid to be alone I sit in the crowded corner secluded and Forgotten Soul Aflame unseen Can someone please, Save me before I burn? Laugh it Frightens people A smile reaches my lips, A cruel and twisted thing. I laugh at their suffering I take glee in their last breath A broken bone and muffled screams, Blood gushing to the floor I just have to have more But locked behind these bars For taking my glee I can no longer torture the souls condemned to be free I sold my soul too long ago To a red cloaked man called the Devil And I took his boat and drowned him in souls And he lies there forever I’ve been called wicked and sinful by the old and the young I just walk away and laugh at the sun The Moonlight suits me So much better for my deeds I cringe at the sunrise And drown in the fuzz I sleep on the hearth And shiver in warmth I walk outside in blizzards And I question the truth I live on the streets And I stole your gold tooth Fingers blackened by cold I can tell no more The needle pierces my skin “You think this will get rid of me?” I ask with a grin And I laugh as my body dies The doctors look scared As well they should be I’ll always be there |
Ooh. I see. Yeah I don't care much for punctuation in poetry... Haha! Aside from apostrophes...
But hey! Your poems are awesome anyway... |
Deaths Favorite Thing
War is not glorified it's not a flower with beauty being held. War is a torturous pain pain felt in the heart and felt on the body the pain is felt at home for the loss of love in war the pain is felt in self for the loss of limb and life and if you live through it the pain lives on forever for it's hard to forget the bloodied bodies of friends lying on the field of death War is a frightful sound big booms and crashes the squeal of rockets passing over head the deafening sound of death the tortured screams of a soldier in flames the cries of a mother for the loss of her son the only relief is to be deaf but hear the sounds once and you will hear them forever The smell is worse the putrid scent of a corpse long dead the smell of blood and fire and death of burning flesh forever seared into your mind War tastes like ash and dirt like blood shining on the corpses of soldiers newly dead torn apart by the explosions it tastes like gunpowder and metal burnt biscuits and beef stew but most of all it tastes like death slowly stirred into this deadly brew the sight of war is worst of all war looks like a graveyard without the stony headstones pits of people buried deep it looks like deaths graveyard with people buried neck deep buried on the field the souls of the soldier's haunt while their bodies are eaten by rats, crows, and moths the battle field looks good to them the last place that they saw the perfect place to haunt with bodies piled high war is not glory and was is not sweet if anything war is Deaths Favorite Thing I wrote it for high school, in a class...we had to write a poem on the five senses and war or something like that......I forget |
Wow. Have you ever been in a war, or lived in a war zone, or something like that? Your poem is really graphic and descriptive. It strips away all the romance and propaganda and leaves the naked truth.
Constructive part: I would try for a little more clarity is all. Some of the senses seem to switch in the middle. |
I have never been in a war, but I guess I have what some might call an over active imagination. I can think on something and get if not accurate, pretty damned close to the proper feeling, maybe it's gotta do with me being weird XD
How Much Forgotten souls A rift in time Maybe someday This pain will End. I'm tired of This, Love carried on a Butterfly's wings I want it sturdy I want it strong It should last beyond the last breath Simple touches Pain Unfurled I'm not sure how much my soul can take |
All of the poems you have posted so far aren't really dark, well maybe to the world that denies the truth, but I think they are facts. And grammar? It makes me bitter as well, the annoying rules...the annoying symbols...but then, we are so trained to have it...everything would be complicated without it...however, we could use less of it.
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I may have been trained with it...doesn't mean that I'm very good at using said grammer, I'm ok with spelling
I travel the Dark Road I walk the road so many walked before but unlike the others what do I see? Nothing Blackness, not even a tiny light to see by. I fall and stumble over the paths others see I trip on a rock and skin my knee I cry for a day then I get up and continue on my way I come to a fork and the light is dim I have two choices before my eyes, I sit and think as I look before me my eye turning from left to right I have two paths and I choose the one just as dark as the one I had just traveled on Yes I can't see, but I like it better this way, because even though it's dark I see better than they I fall and stumble but when those times come, that I can see around me, I smile and take in the beauty, that you don't see. I travel the dark road and I'm happier than I used to be. |
Heart of Darkness
It's blacker than night It's hotter than fire It feels like I'm falling falling strait to hell and that's when I see it a pinpoint of light or is it? that's when I realize I was falling in light I have reached the center the heart of life. no matter how pure no matter how bright there's always that pinpoint of pure evil light or so it would seem the light I fell into deceived and tricked it seemed so pure but was evil instead and the center I see a black whole of nothing is more pure than the light that surrounds me the purity I have found is not white like I have believed but dark and cold... and free This is my heart and it does not deceive like the whiteness that surrounds me. your eyes cannot be deceived in darkness for they can see nothing but blackness other senses must be used to see what cannot be seen to be able to see the truth and that is why I believe a hart of darkness is the hardest to see |
In My Head
She whimpers softly no one hears it's in her head they say she's sick I cut, she's the one they send to the Emergency Room I cry they ask her what's wrong She sits alone He sits beside I smile and she runs They say she's sick I know otherwise We see shrinks they think the same just because I'm here just sitting inside her head They say she's sick so she takes pills Now neither of us has the other. |
The Daisy Petal Says
He loves me He loves me not He loves me... Pulling out the petals of a yellow daisy i sit here in the shade i know this is no way to tell but my tormented mind is eased My world has turned upside down and I fell into the sky i sit here on the other side pulling daisy petals out It may be childish you say it's stupid but the last petal will tell me what to do He loves me he loves me not i'm getting closer to the end and my heart skips a beat He loves me he loves me not He loves me... My mind is made up there is no turning back I'll tell him how I feel and that'll be the end of that This morning i found a card in my locker and a smile reached my lips it says to meet him, the one my heart races for i pray it's not a trick i meet him, and my cheeks turn red cause i know what the daisy petal said is true He loves me...And i love him too. |
Collection
Cold silver touches my wrist My pulse quickens as the blade scores my skin I drag it across I carve in my arm the dull pain lets me know I'm here I bet no one will notice I won't even hide it never have, never will it's faint won't scar just yet but if I stay at it I'll have more for my collection |
Silent Tears
Untold fears and depression I may have gone to far pushed to many buttons I try not to latch I fear to be taken away to have my fragile heart shattered the first is always the hardest I told my self to not get attached I have waited to be loved for for far to long and I had hoped that I had found it I suffer in silence I tell no one my fears and if my heart was broken I'd drown in silent tears |
Forbidden
Forbidden desires Hunger fed at night If only the sun wouldn't rise we could stay like this forever Entangled and Entwined, Too bad I can only love you by the moon lit night. |
Tender heart
pounding in my hand Disinclined to keep on going I hold it in my hand and cry, Silent tears I shed and begin to wonder why Forsaken as a loner I wander in the shadows Craving human connections afraid to go ahead and grab Forgotten and forlorn I shed my silent tears not making a single sound and so I am here and yet I am not I'm just a doll your forgot and shot |
Heart of Glass
I held it close till I gave it away You dropped it and it broke I put the pieces together And gave it again It shattered on the floor I picked it up I put it together And gave it once more I ask you please Don't drop it for me... I don't think I can take anymore |
Shadow
Broken, Beaten, and Battered But not a bruise or scrape to be seen Shadows linger on the walls with nothing to make them Heart beat quickens The sound thundering in my ears Then nothing Not a sound, or sight, just black. Morning sun sighs Invisible tears fall silently Broken and Bruised But none can see the scars Phantoms haunt my dreams And shadows block the sun Place the mask upon your face And open the door to block the sun |
Mirror
Ribbons flutter Dying the water red It pools in puddles Water spills the ground I look up at the ceiling The flood gates open and taste of salt The mirror grins back at me as crimson tides break I left a trail in hopes to be saved. I wake and blink Something blinds me And I see a face. Groaning softly a flash of pain All I hear is why and harsh sobbing. I'm sitting here at my funeral And you don't seem to care Knocking on the reflection Banging on the mirror A shadow of me is all that's left And you lead me here |
Danger Lingers
the beating like a drum loud in my ears Falling to the ground hands clasped to my ears Why oh why won't it go away? Tears hit the ground and my body shakes I quiver like a leaf in the grasp of the wind I know I did wrong and I say I'm sorry |
Hmm. Not bad. Some very dark imagery in these but that is not always bad. One thing you might want to work on is redundancy. It is one thing to repeat a word or a line as part of a form or to underscore a point, but sometimes just tweaking a turn of phrase rather than direct repetition comes across better. Also, grammar and spelling are important for readability but punctuation in poetry is a negotiable thing. Unless you are attempting a specific form, that is another matter entirely.
Otherwise, very interesting poems. Thank you for sharing them with the community. |
Woot. I'm not one to really go with a form unless it was for school and I had to.
I suck at the grammer thing, and I hardly edit my poems once they're written...unless I feel a need to XD |
Your poetry is wonderful. I love how descriptive everything is. Nicely done. I wouldn't change anything about it, even if you don't use periods and such. It's your work and it's wonderful.
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Thank you dear. And the style I use is open....I think that's what it's called. I just write, and see what sounds right XD
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I like the imagery that you use. I think the brevity of the lines in a lot of your poems hinders them a bit. It's OK to have long sentences in poetry if you want and I just feel that some of the poems would have read better if there had of been more to read. As I said though I liked them quite a bit. :)
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