My untitled story~
 

This is something I started working on not too long ago... I haven't done much, though...


The delicate ringing of bangles and anklets sound in the air as a woman crosses the Wynne Bidge, which is named after the very river over which the woman crosses. There is fear in her mercurial silver eyes. She knows not what follows her, only that as long as she gets to the other side, she will be safe. For a few moments anyways. This matter of minutes is not sufficient; she will never make it back to the camp where her other companions currently sleep. Whatever is following her will find its way around the Wynne river,and once it does, it will track her down and do whatever it has in mind with her. For all the gypsy knew, it might rip her inards out, or even steal what makes her pure and dismember her body after.

She doesn't know, and that's why she mustn't hesitate, for to do so would mean certain death. She must never hesitate, despite the fact that her bare, dainty feet are now adorned with the sharpest of rocks and thorns. Even if her side feels as if it is going to burst at any moment, she refuses to stop and gulp down the air that her ailing sides yearn for.
As she runs, bloody impressions of her feet are left on the ground; but no one will ever come across them. They will be washed away by the next morning's rain. Just like the rest of the blood that will be sprayed across the ground if she allows the beast to catch her.

As if the gods willed it, the gypsy woman trips over one of the bridge's boards, the last board in fact, and stumbles. The bangles and anklets and other assorted bits of jewlery chatter conspiratorialy as her limbs flail and she falls to the ground. The breath is knocked out of her, and for a moment, the woman cannot breathe in. The woman makes no effort to rise, despite the fact that the beast will be upon her in a matter of moments. 'I won't even get to tell Haine that I-' She begins to think bitterly, but she is cut off by an in-human roar surely belonging to the beast that pursues her. That nightmare-inspiring sound cuts through the silence of the night and her thoughts.

Seconds later, though the woman can't see it, knows that the beast has arrived in an amount of time much shorter than what she had anticipsted. She can feel the intense waves of.. of what can only be described as evil roll off it, suffocating her. She doesn't dare look up at it, and keeps her face practically burried in the soft grass at the base of the bridge. A pressure settles on her back, and her heart beats wildly. She still doesn't want to know what the beast is doing. A moment later hot, fetid breath caresses her swan-like neck. The woman cries out as powerful jaws close around her neck.

The gypsy's head has not been severed or snapped yet, surprisingly, and the beast just.. just sits on her, or whatever it was doing. for an agonizing wait of three minutes, she waits for death, waits for a cold feeling or something to sweep through her as her senses fade to black; at this point, she would welcome the hooded, scythe-wielding figure that personified death, if only to get away from this monster. And suddenly, she feels a slight shift in its jaws, and then the removal of them altogether. The pressure on her back decreases, as if it is somehow losing its mass or just getting smaller entirely.

Hands- human hands- grip her body in the places that horrid paws had held her in place. And then the woman weeps. She has no idea what is going on, and is so very confused. Confusion has always made her cry unconsolably, and at this point, confusion overwhelms her entirely. That, and pain...

"Mortal..." It speaks. The voice is rough, grating against her sensitive ears. Its voice is also masculine, letting her know that the beast or... human as it then seems, is a male.


And that's all I've got so far. Tell me what you think!

Cool, a little strange though. I like it =3

‘Bridge’ instead of ‘Bidge’.
The last part: ‘the very river of which the woman crosses’ sounds redundant. I think you could simply put ‘is named after the same river’ or ‘that same river’ or some such and it get the point across without using the same words you used previously.

‘anyway’ instead of ‘anyways’. This is just an opinion, but I think ‘at least’ or ‘at any rate’ would sound better than ‘anyway’.

There should be a space between ‘river’ and ‘and’.

‘innards’

Since you just said this, it seems a bit redundant. You could probably drop this.

‘the last board in fact’ doesn’t really seem to serve any purpose. Why not just say ‘trips over the last of the bridge boards’ or something like that? Is there a reason you decided to set it apart from the rest of the sentence?

‘jewelry’ and ‘conspiratorially’

After ‘knocked out of her’ it seems a bit redundant. You might be able to tell the reader that she can’t breath by saying something like “It hurt her to breath”, or some such.

‘she knows’ and ‘anticipated’

Ellipses should have three ‘dots’ and I’d change the word from roll to something more… urgent. ‘Roll’ makes it seem like the evil is just kind of lazing about and hanging around.

‘buried’

Three ‘dots’ for ellipses.
As the omniscient narrator you really ought to simply tell us whether the monster is sitting on her or not. By being omniscient (as you’ve already told us what will happen in the future) it seems odd that suddenly you’re not sure what the monster is doing either.

‘for’ should be capitalized.
This sentence seems really, really long. It’s got a lot of good parts, but it should probably be broken up.

‘so very’ feels a little useless to me.

‘inconsolably’
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You might want to run your pieces through spell-check before you post them. There weren’t too many errors, but if you have Word or something like it, it’s always worth it to use the checker.

While I really like the way you describe things, every now and again you state something twice without really changing up the presentation. It makes things sound redundant. This didn’t happen very often, but it was enough for me to notice.

You’re a brave soul for trying your hand at present tense omniscient. On its very face something about it has always struck me as sounding on without anything actually be wrong. It takes a lot of work to make it sound okay and, for the most part, you seem to have a pretty good handle of it. Good work!