The Psycho’s Diary (Story 1 of 2 in the Anne-Mitchell series)
 

Before I post the first page of The Psycho's Diary, let me write a little disclaimer.

This is all a work of fiction, none of these characters are real once so ever and neither are any of these events. Everything in this story is fictional and should be treated as such.

Now with that said, I am going to post the first page (There are seven pages in this story). I would like suggestions on how I can rewrite this story and how I can improve on it. I wrote this story long ago and I would like to rewrite it again one day. So that is why I am posting it here; to get positive feedback and constructive criticism.

I hope I had formatted this right, if I haven't then please tell me what I did wrong.

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First Page -

One day on a rainy night, while most friends would talk on the phone to each other or be in a chat room together with other friends they know in real life, Anne-Mitchell F. Goldenbrook was chatting to someone she hadn’t met in person yet. She was chatting to no other then Frank Lukison from Boston, Massachusetts. She was telling him about her bad school day and what happened during that day. Let’s see how her school day was first.

Anne-Mitchell was riding the bus as usual until the girls forced her out of her seat and made her sit in the raggedy and smelly seat. Everyone laughed at Anne-Mitchell and made her feel bad. There was not much she could do because, if she told anybody, they’ll jump her and beat her badly. She went to her second period class today, it was her only favorite class because, her favorite teacher taught the class of course. And his name was Mr. Robinson. She had fun in that class of course. It was her favorite Drama class of all times. None of the kids in there picked on her but; none of them were her “friends” either. After Drama class, she had to go to her dreaded Language Arts III class. She hated that class like crazy. The kids were ever so mean to her and the teacher wouldn’t do anything about it.

When lunchtime came, Anne-Mitchell ate her lunch by herself and then she sneaked off into the back stair rail where the rockers usually hang out at during lunch. But today they weren’t there so, she took out her rope and tied it around the light post. Then she put the rope around her neck and was ready to jump and commit suicide. Luckily just in time, her favorite teacher Mr. Robinson stopped her and brought her to his classroom. He was very worried and mad at her all at the same time.

“What were you thinking?” Mr. Robinson yelled at her, “Why would a smart girl like you do such a thing as committing suicide!”
“I don’t know!” Anne-Mitchell replied nervously, “Maybe the world is getting to tough for me to handle.”
“That’s nonsense! Something is up,” Mr. Robinson said, “Is it those girls bullying you again?”
“Yes, it is,” Anne-Mitchell, replied.
“Well you have to learn to stand up for yourself and respect yourself,” Mr. Robinson said, “If you don’t like you, how anybody else would will like you in return.”
“Please don’t tell my parents,” Anne-Mitchell replied, “They’re going through a rough time and I wouldn’t want to be a burden on them.”
Mr. Robinson just sighed and then said, “All right, I won’t tell them this time but, if I catch you doing this again, straight to the Principals office you go!”
“Thank you Mr. Robinson,” Anne-Mitchell replied, “I promise I won’t do it again.”
“Good, now be good you hear,” Mr. Robinson said as he told Anne-Mitchell to go on to her next class before she was late.

Anne-Mitchell was in her last class for the day and that was Pre-Algebra. She hated that class too, because of the students in there. She stuck it out until the bell rang, as soon as the bell rang, she ran out of class, ran to her ride and she went home. Anne-Mitchell shouldn’t have this hard of a life, I mean, she is rich, has everything she ever wanted. But why are they picking on her? Will we ever know? Only time will tell.

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Second Page - To come soon or after feedback on the first page.

It's a bit stilted, interrupted a bit much by the narrator. Therefore it makes it hard to immerse oneself into the storyline and makes it hard to sympathize with the main character (or have much feeling toward the character at all). It seems more like the view of a puppet master than the puppets.

Hm... I see. So I should add some more dialogue when rewriting this story? Like for example more character interactions on the first page and do that for the rest of the pages as well.

I'll add the second page when I get some more feedback. Oh yeah for whose who have access to the full story, do not spoil it for those who hasn't read the whole thing yet. Thanks. :)

:sweat:
Errr... I'm going to try and edit a bit of your piece to show what I mean.
It will probably end in EPIC failure... but..
Insert here brief details of how they met, why she trusts him as a confidante (sp?).
Insert here, in her own words/ messages what had happened instead of outside narration. Also give small, brief insights into the character's mind. Either play as Anne-Mitchell F. Goldenbrook from then on, or be third person omniscient. Personally, telling a story such as this really depends on what your purpose is and what your natural inclination as a writer is.

Also... introduction is a bit cliche.

Hm... I get what you mean. When I rewrite this story, I am going to change the whole introduction.

Maybe I should start either tonight or sometime this week. Then I'll re-post the first page when I rewrite it and when it is reproofed. Now I just need to find a proof reader in real life or one of my online buddies.

Thanks for your help.