Celestina; a deity [ in need of criticism! ]
 

The curtains rustle, and beyond the sounds of trees shedding their crinkled leaves in an endless flow of amber rain, there is no other sound. Inside her head is a bottomless abyss where emotions and dreams spiral and mix together, yet still stand out sharply from one another.

The morning sunlight breaks through the crystal paned window, tracing the edges of her long, thick lashes in a warm gold and kissing her cherubic face with care. Her porcelain skin is warm to the touch as a low fever flushes her cheeks, the sun’s warmth embracing the heat that accompanies her light fever. She remains ignorant to the abnormality of her temperature and continues to dream as peacefully and contently as before.

The maid enters with silence as her companion, her quiet blue eyes watching the sleeping beauty that had graced the young maid with her presence a day ago. A visitor not of these lands that she traveled alone, her presence gave way to curiosity in the hearts of the townsmen.

The young maid took in her unmoving form that only broke with the slight inhaling and exhaling of her quiet breathing. This young woman that slept so soundly was an artwork, a masterpiece God had made with every flutter of love that had soared in his heart. She was not a being meant for Earth and its burdens that molded people into creatures of hate and greed; she was a breath of divinity meant only for Chastia, the home in the endless blue sky where only the Gods and Goddesses dwelled.

BEING REDONE.

Because of the set up of the sentence (which I quite like by the way), I suggest moving the comma after ‘and’ instead of before it.

I feel like this sentence is supposed to mean more than just pretty imagery, but I’m not finding its meaning. It seems to contradict itself so much that it looses whatever meaning you meant to put into it.

I was confused by this sentence. I really have no idea what you’re getting at. She’s not from this place and she’s traveling them alone? The sentence structure here just makes it a little hard to get at. It might also help if she wasn’t sleeping and with her maid when you described her as a traveler and alone.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.
Also – I can’t tell if you meant God here as in the singular God or a god in a polytheistic religion. If you meant the singular God ‘his’ should be capitalized. If you meant a polytheistic god, then ‘God’ should not be capitalized.
I assume it’s a polytheistic religion though, as you talk about a land for gods and goddess in the next lines.
--

To be honest, I’m rather impressed how nicely you pulled off writing in the present tense. Usually I don’t much care for it, but I quite liked it in this piece. You were also careful to keep within that tense throughout the piece. Well done!

You also write imagery in an engaging way instead of simply stating things. Every now and again you have a sentence structure issue that makes it a little hard to understand, but I only noticed that once or twice. Overall it worked quite well.

I assume this was practice in imagery and wasn’t meant to have any inklings towards plot. If it’s part of something bigger, I suggest working in something here and there reminiscent of plot so the thread of plot is never dropped. Because of the size of the piece it’s hard to tell, so I’m just throwing that out there.

You might have overdone the beauty bit, but since she’s a goddess it’s really fine. So long as it doesn’t remain like that throughout the story (assuming there is a larger story and this wasn’t just practice), it should be fine.

Well done!

Thank you.

I went back and revamped it.

Still have some kinks to work out.

Once again, thank you!

I'll definitely be adding more tonight.

It's due tomorrow for class. > x <
-----------

The curtains rustle and, beyond the sounds of trees shedding their crinkled leaves in an endless flow of amber rain, there is no other sound.

The morning sunlight breaks through the crystal paned window, tracing the edges of her long, thick lashes in a warm gold and kissing her cherubic face with care. She looks peaceful and content; her porcelain skin is warm to the touch as a low fever flushes her cheeks, the sun’s warmth embracing the heat that accompanies her light fever. Inside her head is a bottomless abyss swimming with colors and sounds that melt into one another and yet stand out sharply.

The maid enters with silence as her companion, her quiet blue eyes watching the sleeping beauty that had graced the young maid with her presence a day ago. She was a foreigner to this town and her presence gave way to curiosity in the hearts of the townsmen.

The maid could not cast her eyes from the young woman - this young woman that slept so soundly - she was an artwork, a masterpiece gods had made with every flutter of love that had soared in their hearts. She was not a being meant for Earth and its burdens that molded people into creatures of hate and greed; she was a breath of divinity meant only for Chastia, the home in the endless blue sky where only gods dwelled.

Her long tresses spilled in liquid lines of moonshine and starlight upon the satin sheets the color of crimson that contrasted so intensely it tempered with the eyes, making her long tresses of hair glow like the Celestial mother who lights the night sky. It seems almost as if she’ll never wake from her dormant-state, but the moment the thought graces the maid’s mind, she catches the tensing of the woman’s eyes as they prepare to take their first shy glance at the new day.

“Lady Celestina, good morning.” The maid spoke softly as if any louder would wake the town.

- to be continued -

If/when you redo it I'll be glad to go through it again. But I did want to warn you that if you're posting things here for critique that have a due date you should not rely on it. This is a very, very slow moving forum. I just happened to be on, and happy to critique, when you posted. It's not very often at all that a reply comes to a thread so quickly.
Just a note of warning. =]

I'm completely jealous that you have a class that lets you do creative writing though.

I redid it.

Right above your posts.

Ah, it's alright.

I have until the very last period of the day. : ]

I'm so glad you're on! :3

Friends cannot critique well considering
they want to just tell you it's fine just because
they don't want to hurt your feelings. U.U

I have GaiaOnline but I have never heard
of this until recently.

I like it. : ]

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

The contrast in this sentence still bothers me. I think you should pick either ‘melt into one another’ or ‘stand out sharply’ and stick with it. I don’t really understand how both can be happening at once.

I think you can cut ‘this young woman’ since you just stated it with the same words.

This sentence is really long. I’d break it up. You could probably drop ‘the color’ and simply have ‘of crimson’. Then end that sentence there and begin a new one with “They contrasted…”

I don’t think you need that hyphen between ‘dormant’ and ‘state’.

I’d put a comma after ‘softly’.
--

Sorry, I completely missed it. Heh.
Mene is a great place. The moderators do a great job of keeping out spammers and trolls. =]

Considering it takes time and preparation
for stories in the present tense, I just
changed it to past.

Time is short, so I'll work on a past tense
and then try present next time.

The one above [ the edited ] is set in
present like the original.

Yes, the contrasting between those
phrases is unsettling.

It didn't flow correctly.

I do not know why I though
dormant state was hyphened. u.u

Do people actually, 'role-play'
on here as well?

I have not had time to look around,
trying to get this done.
-----------

“In ancient times, those known as gods merely watched over mortals from high places.”

The curtains rustled and, beyond the sounds of trees shedding their crinkled leaves in an endless flow of amber rain, there was no other sound.

The morning sunlight broke through the crystal paned window, tracing the edges of her long, thick lashes in a warm gold and kissing her cherubic face with care. She looked peaceful and content; her porcelain skin was warm to the touch as a low fever flushed her cheeks, the sun’s warmth embracing the heat that accompanied her light fever. Inside her head was a bottomless abyss swimming with colors and sounds that melted into one another.

The maid entered with silence as a companion, those quiet blue eyes watching the sleeping beauty that had graced the young maid with her presence a day ago. She was a foreigner to this town and her presence gave way to curiosity in the hearts of the townsmen.

The maid could not cast her eyes from the young woman - that slept so soundly - she was an artwork, a masterpiece gods had made with every flutter of love that had soared in their hearts. She was not a being meant for Earth and its burdens that molded people into creatures of hate and greed; she was a breath of divinity meant only for Chastia, the home in the endless blue sky where only gods dwelled.

Her long tresses spilled in liquid lines of moonshine and starlight upon the satin sheets of crimson. They contrasted so intensely it tampered with the eyes, making her long tresses of hair glow like the Celestial mother who lights the night sky. It seemed almost as if she’d never wake from her dormant state, but the moment the thought graced the maid’s mind, she caught the tensing of the woman’s eyes as they prepared to take their first shy glance at the new day.

“Lady Celestina, good morning.” The maid spoke softly, as if any louder would wake the town.

“Good morning, Seriphe. How are you this morning?” Her words were lathered in warmth, drizzling with sweetness that invited a conversation between the young ladies. Seriphe found Celestina already at her window, her eyes piecing together what took place in the world below her window. She looked at this world with amazement etched into her eyes, like a baby learning to distinguish between shapes and colors. She was but that, a child, when it came to the lands and its people.

“But then the mortals learned the language of the gods and offered up greedy prayers. And the gods, who had been living in lonely silence, began to listen. That was the beginning of the end.”

“The world holds many wonders, doesn’t it? It brings both happiness and sadness, but can it not only contain happiness? The human heart cannot be so corrupted, can it?” Cryptic and haunting, the words echoed in her head, never once letting her escape from answering these questions. They summoned curiosity into her heart, kept a lingering pain in her chest, and made her question the way the gods had chosen to order this world.

“Mortal prayers assaulted the ears of the gods. Like thousands of fingers they reached into the heavens, and pulled the gods to the mortal realm.”

Edit:: Oops, just noticed it was there. I'll edit it now.

How long does the piece have to be? If it's not long, I'd suggest keeping it in the present tense. I think you actually did quite a good job with it.

They do indeed roleplay here! There's a whole forum section for it. I personally haven't done much here, but it seems like a great place for it.

(Just as a note, double-posting isn't allowed in Mene. If you have something else to say just use the little edit button. I just don't want you to get in trouble for it. =] )

Oh, wow, thank you.

I forgot about that. x.x

I'm sorry.

So use to it being allowed on
Gaia.

I have to bring in the use of Wind
somewhere, so it won't be too long
as I am cutting out a lot of the original.

I might just keep it present, but I'll
first get it done in past, and then
see. :]

I like the present look a lot too.

When dealing with polytheistic gods, ‘Gods’ is not capitalized. It’s only capitalized in monotheistic religions because there is only one and is, therefore, a name. In polytheistic religions it’s a term. (Unless, of course, you have a god named God. But it doesn’t seem like it here.)

There were a lot of ‘her’s in this sentence. It could use a little disambiguation.

I think you meant ‘tampered’, yeah?

Remember what I mentioned in my first critique about not overdoing the imagery about how beautiful she is? I feel like this over does it a little. Some people really like it, I just think it’s a bit much personally.

I don’t think ‘seeping’ is the right word. ‘Seeping’ usually means to come out, and you’re talking about taking in. So… I can’t think of a word to replace it with off the top of my head, but I don’t think ‘seeping’ is it.

I’d alter this only because she just woke up. It seems a little contradictory.
--

Finishing it up in past first just in case sounds like a good idea. =]

Okay, the only edit I'm still
working on is the overdone
beauty.

I just edited the same one,
but when I add more, I'll
post a new reply.

snarggles! forgot to lowercase
the gods. -.-

[/goes to do that]

Well when you get your new one up I'll be here. =]

Had to eattt.

Now, working.
---------

“My lady, I have your attire prepared. They have been thoroughly cleaned.” Seriphe’s words were quiet and short, her eyes cast down to the wooden oak floor, and her short fair hair caressing her neck as she bowed her head. A quiet beauty, a girl not befitted for being the servant of someone else. Celestina had broken her long gaze from the town and rested her eyes on Seriphe, crossing the room toward the clothes that had been lain out. She quietly changed, adorning her body with a dress made from the finest material of the land. The color of the ocean, her dress was embedded with gems and jewels that whispered a mixture of faint whites and blues; she could have been mistaken for royalty.

---------
This is just killing me.
It doesn't flow.
What do you think?

I have been stuck on this
since. . . forever. haha.

You might shorten this by simply saying "not befitting servitude."

That's my only nit-pick for this particular part. Overall you might consider trying to shorten your sentences by splitting them up. I like what you have to say, it just seems like you're trying to cram a lot into each sentence.

Sorry that took so long for so little, I've been writting something myself and I lost track of time.

It's fine. :]
Haha. take as long
as you want.

i'm slightly brain dead
right now but i'll think
of the next part in a bit
------------

“My lady, I have your attire prepared. They have been thoroughly cleaned.” Seriphe’s words were quiet and short, her eyes cast down to the wooden oak floor, and her short fair hair caressing her neck as she bowed her head. She was quiet beauty, a girl not befitting servitude.

Celestina had broken her long gaze from the town and rested her eyes on Seriphe, crossing the room toward the clothes that had been lain out. She quietly changed, adorning her body with a dress made from the finest material of the land. The color of the ocean, her dress was embedded with gems and jewels that whispered a mixture of faint whites and blues; she could have been mistaken for royalty. She tied on her cloak, the large hood covering her angelic face, and she turned to Seriphe who waited for her departure.

“Have a good day, my lady.” Seriphe called out as Celestina left the room, her pale blue eyes taking in the many customers that swarmed in. Before escaping down the steps, Celestina turned to the young woman, and in her grasp she placed a velvet pouch that seemed to weigh more than a pound.

“Thank you for your help today, I bid you farewell.” The kindness was genuine and the heartfelt words enough to bring Seriphe to pull her lips into a smile that made Celestina’s heart flutter. She descended the steps, her footsteps quiet compared to the boisterous crowd that had flooded in. She let her gaze wonder as loud, roaring laughs filled her ears and strange smelling drinks waft through the air. Moving her way through the crowd, she quickly escaped through the door after giving a final wave to Seriphe.

She strolled slow and casual, taking in the world she had walked into when she had exited the tavern. A dark haired boy bound past her, his laughter rich and heartwarming as another child, a girl, raced after him, her long fiery red hair fit for the temper she displayed. They were followed by a group of children ranging from all ages, dashing off after the two that sped ahead, not slowing down. Celestina found it comforting in this town, the people friendly and the atmosphere welcoming. She yearned to stay, longed to have a life as peaceful and rich like the people of this town, but her life was always changing like the seasons . . .

Fate was no friend to Celestina as she led the young woman through Hell’s dark depths, always trying to pull her down. Celestina was beginning to think her life was now being gambled on by both Fate and Destiny as the two were a fierce pair, and both held strong dislikes for her. She was prone to having bad luck strike her, and though she often at times tried to avoid it, it always found her.

“Oh, those look delicious!” She thought out loud, moving toward the stand where apples were being sold. Picking one up, she handed the money to the man, and thanked him for the fruit before stepping aside for other customers. Biting into the apple, the familiar taste licked her tongue, a memory from a long, long time ago filling her head. She had once picked over three hundred apples for someone, and sat all night eating apples beneath a willow tree. It was a fond memory that had etched its own special place in both her mind and her heart. “Still as sweet as before.” She spoke more to the air than the people around, her mind lost in its memories that rushed like a raging river. She always reminisced, always.

While the memory was all she wanted to think about, her mind cast it aside as she felt a pain erupt in her back as she hit the ground, the apple rolling beneath the stand from sight. Pulling back her head, Celestina looked behind her, her eyes taking in the small, battered appearance of the girl with sun-kissed locks.

There should be a comma before 'but' and I think you meant 'wander' instead of 'wonder'.

I just want to make another warning about over doing it with the beauty bit. By this point I understand how pretty they are and I feel a little like you keep going over it like I hadn't been convinced yet.

Now, if you want to go more indepth with looks and such, you might consider other aspects of it. I was under the impression Celestina is/was/will be a goddess or something of the sort. Gods and godesses can often be described as being so beautiful or unearthly that it is down right terrifying. It might be interesting to throw in/replace some of your descriptions of her as being beautiful with her being terrifying. She may well be very kind and good, but if she not truly human there will always be something that is... not quite right about her.

If she is a goddess or some such, that might be a new way to take descriptions of her.

I hope that makes sense. =]

It does, it does.
Believe me.

and i do?
darn it. blargh.
I'll work on that.
D:

[/scurries off]

the look of fear at her
will come in a moment.

i'm trying to close it down
for now. i want it to reach the
end.

it will end as one of those things
that could possible be continued if
wanted. x.x

I think I missed something. When was she in a tavern?

I think this can be cut. Unless you state that the children were going to slow down/had a reason to slow down, the reader won’t just assume that they are.

I like the idea of the sentence, but I think it’s a bit long. I think you can end the sentence after ‘Destiny’ and start again with ‘The two…’

I feel like you could cut this too. Doesn’t everyone try to avoid bad luck?
--
Again, sorry this took so long! I keep loosing track of time. I hope you get a chance to look here before you turn it in.

If/when you get this back from your teacher would you be adverse to telling me what she/he might have corrected about it? I’m a little curious if she/he had any opinions/advice opposite to mine. If you don’t mind that is. =]

I hope I was of some help and good luck with it tomorrow in class!

ALMOST FINISHED PROJECT.
So, what do you think, Nolori?
Does it look good?
Need any changes?



“In ancient times, those known as gods merely watched over mortals from high places.”

The curtains rustled and, beyond the sounds of trees shedding their crinkled leaves in an endless flow of amber rain, there was no other sound.

The morning sunlight broke through the crystal paned window, tracing the edges of her long, thick lashes in a warm gold and kissing her cherubic face with care. She looked peaceful and content; her porcelain skin was warm to the touch as a low fever flushed her cheeks, the sun’s warmth embracing the heat that accompanied her light fever. Inside her head was a bottomless abyss swimming with colors and sounds that melted into one another.

The maid entered with silence as a companion, those quiet blue eyes watching the sleeping beauty that had graced the young maid with her presence a day ago. She was a foreigner to this town and her presence gave way to curiosity in the hearts of the townsmen.

The maid could not cast her eyes from the young woman - that slept so soundly - she was an artwork, a masterpiece gods had made with every flutter of love that had soared in their hearts. She was not a being meant for Earth and its burdens that molded people into creatures of hate and greed; she was a breath of divinity meant only for Chastia, the home in the endless blue sky where only gods dwelled.

Her long tresses spilled in liquid lines of moonshine and starlight upon the satin sheets of crimson. They contrasted so intensely it tampered with the eyes, making her long tresses of hair glow like the Celestial mother who lights the night sky. It seemed almost as if she’d never wake from her dormant state, but the moment the thought graced the maid’s mind, she caught the tensing of the woman’s eyes as they prepared to take their first shy glance at the new day.

“Lady Celestina, good morning.” The maid spoke softly, as if any louder would wake the town.

“Good morning, Seriphe. How are you this morning?” Her words were lathered in warmth, drizzling with sweetness that invited a conversation between the young ladies. Seriphe found Celestina already at her window, her eyes piecing together what took place in the world below her window. She looked at this world with amazement etched into her eyes, like a baby learning to distinguish between shapes and colors. She was but that, a child, when it came to the lands and its people.

“But then the mortals learned the language of the gods and offered up greedy prayers. And the gods, who had been living in lonely silence, began to listen. That was the beginning of the end.”

“The world holds many wonders, doesn’t it? It brings both happiness and sadness, but can it not only contain happiness? The human heart cannot be so corrupted, can it?” Cryptic and haunting, the words echoed in her head, never once letting her escape from answering these questions. They summoned curiosity into her heart, kept a lingering pain in her chest, and made her question the way the gods had chosen to order this world.

“Mortal prayers assaulted the ears of the gods. Like thousands of fingers they reached into the heavens, and pulled the gods to the mortal realm.”

“My lady, I have your attire prepared. They have been thoroughly cleaned.” Seriphe’s words were quiet and short, her eyes cast down to the wooden oak floor, and her short fair hair caressing her neck as she bowed her head. She was a quiet beauty, a girl not befitting servitude. Celestina had broken her long gaze from the town and rested her eyes on Seriphe, crossing the room toward the clothes that had been lain out. She quietly changed, adorning her body with a dress embedded with gems and jewels that whispered a mixture of faint whites and blues. She tied on her cloak, the large hood covering her angelic face, and she turned to Seriphe who waited for her departure.

“Have a good day, my lady.” Seriphe called out as Celestina left the room, her pale blue eyes taking in the many customers that swarmed in. Before escaping down the steps, Celestina turned to the young woman, and in her grasp she placed a velvet pouch that seemed to weigh more than a pound.

“Thank you for your help today, I bid you farewell.” The kindness was genuine and the heartfelt words enough to bring Seriphe to pull her lips into a smile that made Celestina’s heart flutter. She descended the steps, her footsteps quiet compared to the boisterous crowd that had flooded in. She let her gaze wonder as loud, roaring laughs filled her ears and strange smelling drinks wafted through the air. Moving her way through the crowd, she quickly escaped through the door after giving a final wave to Seriphe.

“The gods wondered...'Why do the mortals like in such filth and misery, crushed under the weight of their interminable suffering? Why do they choose to continue loving in agony?'”

She strolled slow and casual, taking in the world she had walked into when she had exited the inn. A dark haired boy bound past her, his laughter rich and heartwarming as another child, a girl, raced after him, her long fiery red hair fit for the temper she displayed. They were followed by a group of children ranging from all ages, dashing off after the two that sped ahead. Celestina found it comforting in this town, the people friendly and the atmosphere welcoming. She yearned to stay, longed to have a life as peaceful and rich like the people of this town, but her life was always changing like the seasons . . .

Fate was no friend to Celestina as she led the young woman through Hell’s dark depths, always trying to pull her down. Celestina was beginning to think her life was now being gambled on by both Fate and Destiny. The two were a fierce pair, and both held strong dislikes for her. She was prone to having bad luck strike her and not matter what, it always found her.

“Oh, those look delicious!” She thought out loud, moving toward the stand where apples were being sold. Picking one up, she handed the money to the man, and thanked him for the fruit before stepping aside for other customers. Biting into the apple, the familiar taste licked her tongue, a memory from a long, long time ago filling her head. She had once picked over three hundred apples for someone, and sat all night eating apples beneath a willow tree. It was a fond memory that had etched its own special place in both her mind and her heart. “Still as sweet as before.” She spoke more to the air than to the people around her, her mind lost in its memories that rushed like a raging river. She always reminisced, always.

While the memory was all she wanted to think about, her mind cast it aside as she felt a pain erupt in her back as she hit the ground, the apple rolling beneath the stand from sight. Pulling back her hood, Celestina looked behind her, her eyes taking in the small, battered appearance of a girl with sun-kissed locks.

“The Gods decided to grace the mortals with peace, and their blessing crept its way across the land.”

“Are you alright?” Celestina quickly helped the girl up, her eyes unmoving as she stared horrified at the bruises and cuts that covered her fragile body. Her clothes were nothing but rags from the trash, and her hair smelled as if it had not been washed in weeks. She stared, silent, fear enveloping her brown eyes as she tried to tear from Celestina’s grasps.

“P-Please, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to run into you!” She cried out, her voice trembling to the point where her words were hardly hearable. She was wounded bird, a child in need of help. Never had Celestina seen such an awful sight! It both sickened and pained her to look at the child, who was no older than fifteen, her life only beginning. Stroking the long blonde hair, Celestina opened her mouth, the words, “What happened?” ready to tumble out, however, they did not make it past her lips as without warning the blonde was snatched from her grasp, the child’s body once more meeting the ground.

”Causing trouble again! When will you learn your lesson, Blithe?” The voice was loud and demanding, a voice that, from the moment it stabbed the air, Celestina abhorred. It belonged to a large, bulky man that smelled of that same strange drink Celestina had smelled before, but much worse than the others. She watched as he snatched the girl once more by her hair, his other large hand gripping her small wrist. “Do what you’re told, girl!” He yelled at her, his feet stumbling as he began to lead her back into the tavern.

Celestina waited for someone to act, for someone to care enough about this child to do something besides stand there with fear riding their shoulders. But no one moved. There was a time when she once believed humans were creature incapable of such inhumane things, that they were peaceful and caring beings that sought only peace. She wanted more than anything to still believe in that! But she knew better, didn’t she? Oh she did, she did.

“Release her at once!” Her voice tore through the air, causing the gigantic man to stop and turn toward her, watching her with cold, hard eyes. He was no match for her when it came to looks that could shake the spine. She stared at him, no emotion playing in her eyes or on her face. Something about the way she looked caused fear to creep up his spine, her beauty somehow haunting. . .

“This is my damn woman! A woman like you should know better than to mouth off to a man!” He yelled, keeping his voice steady and loud while inside he was falling to pieces. Something was just unsettling . “You can’t do anything about it anyway, so, just go on home and do what you’re suppose to!”

“When it was over, they tried to return to the heavens, but their feet, having once touched the earth, were now a part of it and the Gods were unable to leave.”

In this world that Celestina inhabited, people believed in a legend that the gods were pulled from their heavens and bound to the earth, which resulted in the many chaotic problems that struck the lands. Others believe this was but a myth, a story made up to explain the strange workings of the world. Those that believed in it, however, were right.

“I said for you to release her, please do so.” She said once more, her voice steady and calm. The wind seemed to pick up speed from its casual breeze, and slowly it began to get stronger and stronger. A storm, perhaps? Yet it was a clear day. Maybe the windy Autumn was finally living up to its name.

The man pushed the girl down, his eyes unmoving from Celestina and his closed in on her, raising his hand to strike her. He was a man of short temper and often times violent as well. Curling his large hand in a fist, he reared back, and without warning, threw his fist forward, aiming down on her. The force behind this punch could have broken bones wherever it had landed, but it did not. Gasps and cries shot through the air as the man cried out, his pain surging through his hand that felt as if every bone in it had shattered.

“Did you feel that?” One onlooker cried out as another yelled, “She blocked herself without even raising a hand!”

The man fell to his knees, his drunken state no longer effecting him as he seemed to sober up, the pain near impossible to bear. Celestina walked toward him, helping the girl up before leaning down to whisper in his ear. “Only a foolish human would try to strike Zephyria.” She stated, standing back up and walking toward the child. The girl watched her, amazement the only thing present upon her dirty face. She was not appalled, but merely astounded at this woman before her. “Blithe is your name, correct? I need a helper on my journey, would you like to come?” She asked, knowing all too well this child had nowhere else to go. The young girl nodded, her eyes filling with a flicker of life that they had not held before.

“Yes, I would love to!” Blithe chirped, before following Celestina away from the man, not once turning to face the one that had taken everything from her. She had been offered something new and gladly took it without hesitation. The two worked their way through the crowd, pairs of eyes locked on them.

“Zypheria, aye? Damn, looks like I was tricked by a deity, and of all the ones, the Wind God.” He growled, holding his hand as it began to bruise and blacken. “So there’s one not in hiding, pretty daring.” He mumbled to himself.
________ ______ ___________ ____ _________ ______ ______ _________
“You name is Celestina?”

“Yes, it is.”

“That’s a very pretty name. Can I call you Celes for short?”

“If you wish, Blithe.”

They smiled together. They laughed together. They cried together. They got hurt together. And together, they healed.

OHMAIranee, I've merged all the double posts you've made together. There were quite a few of them.

The only times you are allowed to double post are:
1) If it has been at least five hours since your last post (most of your posts were a matter of minutes apart)
2) If you're setting up a permanent thread.
3) If your thread has fallen off the front page of the forum.

In Lit Spot, you are also allowed to double post if each post is at least a page long in Word. While some of your story posts were probably within that limit, I just went ahead and merged everything for simplicity's sake. :yes:

I like these better in italics like they were originally. It helps to show that they aren’t part of the story right beneath it.

I think you could do away with the hyphens all together and just put a comma after ‘soundly’.

The ‘drizzling with sweetness’ still kind of bothers me. It gives me the idea that Celestia is purposely over doing it. Have you ever heard someone talk with a really really sweet voice? It sounds like they’re lying, or else want something from you. I don’t think that’s what you had in mind when you wrote this.

Here’s a perfect example why it should be in italics. When it’s not, it looks like one of the girls is talking and it’s rather confusing.

Just pointing out the italics so you don’t miss it. =]

You could change “my lady” to “m’lady”, but it really depends on Seriphe’s accent and level of formality. But it’s an option, so I thought I’d mention it.

I think you meant ‘wander’ instead of ‘wonder’.

And since I haven’t seen this part before I’m just kind of guessing this isn’t something Celestina says? Without the italics or anything I really have no idea.

Just pointin’ it out.

This really depends on the world you’ve created – but generally speaking in the ‘ye olden’ times I think this is set in, people didn’t bathe really all that often. At all. Granted, that’s in European middle-ages, which I was assuming this is set in. Middle East around that time bathed more regularly. It just depends on the world you’ve created – just thought I’d throw it out there.

I’d use ‘audible’ or ‘understandable’ instead of ‘hearable’.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.
Again, depends on the world you’ve made, but in ‘ye olden times’ fifteen was already a woman. I’m just getting that feel from the story, which is why I’m pointing it out.

Where had she smelled it? I’d put something in earlier about it.

Since we didn’t see the girl come out of the tavern, I’d drop ‘back’.

I’d change the exclamation point to a period – that’s even more scary, I think.

Yay!

Italics.

I think you could drop this explanation, the reader has pretty much figured it out already.

‘Autumn’ doesn’t need to be capitalized.

His what closed in on her?

The reader can guess that on their own – I think you can cut it.

Feel it or see it? If they all felt it, you need to tell us what they felt.

He seems pretty calm considering he nearly got his hand broken by trying to punch a god. Is this common for them?
--

I hope I got this to you in time!

Yay for corrections.
I did it so quick i
didn't look back over it.
it's alright,
i'll make the changes
tomorrow. he always gives
it back for revision.
blehh.

thank you though!

No problem! I hope your teacher likes it!