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Emelith Xiuhcoatl 12-10-2009 04:53 PM

Our Love is a Battle
 
[[Please give me an honest critique. I'm not looking for "It sucks" or "OMG! It's so good!" Give me your honest opinion about what you thought of it. I mean what you like, what you don't, and what you think I should improve on. That would be very much appreciated!]]

Our Love is a Battle

Broken down by chains
Swallowing the pain
Forgetting the words of hurt
and all the blood on my shirt
You have no idea who I am
As I lay in the sand
You’ve beaten me heartless
And my life’s now a mess
I’ll try to get up as I always had
but my legs are now weak, it makes me mad
I never got an opportunity
To get onto my brittle knees
If I got that far, I could have stood up
But the imagine of your face could make me erupt
Nothing matters to me anymore
Because after I met you, I was absolutely quite sure
That maybe you and I could forgive all our sins
We could come to an agreement, so everyone wins
Although it seems, you have made it quite clear
Through all of the minutes of all of these years
That nothing we say will get through our minds
We can’t dig down deep, to the love we could find
and even if it were possible you could find my heart
It’s too late, cause this time you tore it apart
I want to say I forgive you, but I’m afraid it’s too late
Too battles have destroyed me, separations our fate
Everyone said our love would end up a battle
Look at us now, even after a minor rattle
We were mentally strong, but emotionally weak
Now after this, you’ll probably see me as a freak
Everything we ever had, now it’s all gone
Through the hills, the stars, the universe beyond
and even I wanted to, I’d never want it back
Because look where its got me, yet another attack
If this is the last time then you better believe it
Even full forgiveness wouldn’t be close to how we would get
You’ve attacked me for the last time as far as I know
Attacked my heart, soul, and body with a heavy, fatal blow
To enter this situation again I’d have to die
So for now, or forever...this is going to be good-bye...

Dirt Man 12-12-2009 04:52 AM

A Critique for Emelith Xiuhcoatl's "Our Love is a Battlefield"
 
Here I am, to critique your piece. I apologize in advance if I become a bit long-winded [as I tend to do.]
First glance, I feel like you didn't put much thought into your title.

Interesting line ending pair of "am" and "sand."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
To get onto my brittle knees
If I got that far, I could have stood up

I like this pair of lines a lot, partially just from liking it reading it through, but also because of the "brittle knees" bit -- it makes me hear and see and feel the imagery you put here. Something I can already tell you do well is take something that many people have used as a poetic/literary element [such as chains] and give it a bit of your own spice [such as when you say:
Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
Broken down by chains

rather than saying "held down" or "kept back."]
Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
But the imagine of your face could make me erupt

I also very much like this line, but do you perhaps mean "image" or "imagining?" This is just a small glitch that either I am reading wrongly, or you should proof for before posting a poem.

"Anymore" and "sure" is another interesting pairing. Points to you. ~

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
Through all of the minutes of all of these years

I wanted to point out that I found that line catching. There's definitely something you do with some lines and words here that is unique and intriguing to read.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
Too battles have destroyed me

This seems like another small lapse in the poem. Either another word added [maybe it was lost in typing this poem] or a bit of punctuation would help with the flow, so that a reader doesn't stop because it doesn't quite make sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emelith Xiuhcoatl
Even full forgiveness wouldn’t be close to how we would get

While I see how this line is important, I feel that you could restructure it to make its rhythm flow better with the rest of your poem leading up to and away from this line. It stands out a bit too awkwardly because of wordiness, I think.

While I don't think you necessarily need it, many people would want you to have some sort of punctuation at the end of some of your lines. Not all lines need to end in a period, or punctuation for that matter. But perhaps next time to have inspiration for a poem, you can keep in mind that punctuation isn't only for essays and prose -- it can do a great deal for your rhythm and meanings in poetry, as well.

Now, returning to my musing about your title -- I can see where it fits, but I feel like you could give the title more thought and shape it to fit your poem better. You have two halves that could be happily married to outside fiancé's. Your speaker seems to have given up on the love (s)he has, detracting from the "battle" feel of it. Perhaps "Our Love is a Losing Battle" would better fit. However, (s)he does point out the initial hope and potential of the love, which would make something like "My Love For You is a Battle" seemingly more appropriate. These, however, are simply my opinions.

As with everything in this critique, it is my opinion and you can choose to disregard part and/or all of it. I hope it's a bit helpful to you. ~

One final thing: Your rhythm and catching lines were easy to get into reading, once I read past the initial first few lines. [Perhaps you could try to focus more intensity on the beginning of your poem as well.]

Respectfully,
Dirt Man

Emelith Xiuhcoatl 12-14-2009 12:57 PM

Thank you Dirt Man, your critique is very helpful and very much appreciated ^_^


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