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Our Love is a Battle
[[Please give me an honest critique. I'm not looking for "It sucks" or "OMG! It's so good!" Give me your honest opinion about what you thought of it. I mean what you like, what you don't, and what you think I should improve on. That would be very much appreciated!]]
Our Love is a Battle Broken down by chains Swallowing the pain Forgetting the words of hurt and all the blood on my shirt You have no idea who I am As I lay in the sand You’ve beaten me heartless And my life’s now a mess I’ll try to get up as I always had but my legs are now weak, it makes me mad I never got an opportunity To get onto my brittle knees If I got that far, I could have stood up But the imagine of your face could make me erupt Nothing matters to me anymore Because after I met you, I was absolutely quite sure That maybe you and I could forgive all our sins We could come to an agreement, so everyone wins Although it seems, you have made it quite clear Through all of the minutes of all of these years That nothing we say will get through our minds We can’t dig down deep, to the love we could find and even if it were possible you could find my heart It’s too late, cause this time you tore it apart I want to say I forgive you, but I’m afraid it’s too late Too battles have destroyed me, separations our fate Everyone said our love would end up a battle Look at us now, even after a minor rattle We were mentally strong, but emotionally weak Now after this, you’ll probably see me as a freak Everything we ever had, now it’s all gone Through the hills, the stars, the universe beyond and even I wanted to, I’d never want it back Because look where its got me, yet another attack If this is the last time then you better believe it Even full forgiveness wouldn’t be close to how we would get You’ve attacked me for the last time as far as I know Attacked my heart, soul, and body with a heavy, fatal blow To enter this situation again I’d have to die So for now, or forever...this is going to be good-bye... |
A Critique for Emelith Xiuhcoatl's "Our Love is a Battlefield"
Here I am, to critique your piece. I apologize in advance if I become a bit long-winded [as I tend to do.]
First glance, I feel like you didn't put much thought into your title. Interesting line ending pair of "am" and "sand." Quote:
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"Anymore" and "sure" is another interesting pairing. Points to you. ~ Quote:
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While I don't think you necessarily need it, many people would want you to have some sort of punctuation at the end of some of your lines. Not all lines need to end in a period, or punctuation for that matter. But perhaps next time to have inspiration for a poem, you can keep in mind that punctuation isn't only for essays and prose -- it can do a great deal for your rhythm and meanings in poetry, as well. Now, returning to my musing about your title -- I can see where it fits, but I feel like you could give the title more thought and shape it to fit your poem better. You have two halves that could be happily married to outside fiancé's. Your speaker seems to have given up on the love (s)he has, detracting from the "battle" feel of it. Perhaps "Our Love is a Losing Battle" would better fit. However, (s)he does point out the initial hope and potential of the love, which would make something like "My Love For You is a Battle" seemingly more appropriate. These, however, are simply my opinions. As with everything in this critique, it is my opinion and you can choose to disregard part and/or all of it. I hope it's a bit helpful to you. ~ One final thing: Your rhythm and catching lines were easy to get into reading, once I read past the initial first few lines. [Perhaps you could try to focus more intensity on the beginning of your poem as well.] Respectfully, Dirt Man |
Thank you Dirt Man, your critique is very helpful and very much appreciated ^_^
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