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Boyfriend issues.
I have a boyfriend that I have been dating for about a month now, I've known him for three. My best friend used to date him, but they grew apart. She told me that he never shows signs of public affection. This is an issue for me. I talked to him on Facebook chat on Thurdsday about it. I flat out asked him: Do you like me? He said Yes. I asked him why he never holds me hand or kisses me goodbye or anything. He said because it bothers some people. WTF?!
Anyway, on Friday he gave me a Christmas card and a hug goodbye (which is pretty much the only signs of public affection he shows, other than looking at me all the time). I have contemplated breaking up with him many times, but I'm not really sure what to do. He's also good freinds with my ex boyfriend, who treated me like crap. All he ever wanted to do was kiss. D: Anyway, Mene, what do you think I should do? Keep going to see what happens? Dump his ass? I honestly don't know what to do anymore. We have the same friends so if I ever asked them for advice, it would be hard. they wouldn't want to see Corey sad. Anyway... yeah. I need help. d: |
I wouldn't dump him just for that. I'm sure that he is just shy or uncomfortable with showing affection in public. Just talk to him about it, and ask what you could do to help him out. But if I were you, I'd start out slow with the public affection if he's not used to it. Such as holding hands together and make your way up the ladder to being able to kiss in public. He shouldn't really care what others think. It's just the two of you, and no one else. And that's all that matters.
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That's what I've been trying to tell him, but... I don't know. He's a really sweet and caring guy, but...
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Why is it important to you that he shows public displays of affection? Why do you want that out of a relationship?
I can understand where he's coming from - It can be very uncomfortable to be forced to sit and watch a couple go at it. No one really wants to be exposed to that. Perhaps he's been put in that situation one too many times, knows that it bothers him, and doesn't want to turn into "that couple". Maybe his friends have outright told him that they don't like it. Or maybe he just believes that being physical is meant to happen behind closed doors. A private life should be private, after all. So just ask yourself why PDA is important to you. Are you trying to prove to the world that he loves you? Do you really need other people to see you kiss and hug? Does it make you feel good to flaunt your love? Or is it a boost to your self-esteem? Or are you a very physically driven person that needs that sort of affection all the time? Do you constantly need physical contact? Once you figure out why you want PDA, then it will be easier to talk to him about it. Explain what you want out of a relationship. Then, the two of you can discuss two things: A plan to get him more comfortable with PDA (while at the same time getting you more comfortable with not being physical in public), and a plan for displaying affection in a way that makes the both of you happy without making anyone uncomfortable. There is a happy medium, you guys just have to find it. :yes: |
I want PDA because it makes me feel special, and it makes me feel loved. We don't see eachother that often, maybe once or twice a week. It's nice to know that he enjoys my company. I don't want to start making out or anything. But it's hard for me to contact him. He's rarely on Facebook, he never calls me, and he never picks up the phone. I have clubs two of the five lunches at school, and he has a club. So we get two lunches a week together, and we're in one class together. I just think that what little time he have together should be special.
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Hmm, maybe communication is the problem then. If you were able to talk more in between seeing him in person, then you two would have more time to bond. It sounds like you should also talk to him about picking up his phone, writing e-mails, and keeping in contact with you. If you can have special time even when you aren't physically together, then there's not so much pressure when you see each other. You'd be free to enjoy his company.
Does he do other stuff to make you feel loved and appreciated? I just mean little things like compliments, inviting you out for a date, buying the occasional small gift, remember things like your favorite color, etc. |
He does the occasional stuff... he got me a locket for Christmas. But there's nothing physical between us. ><
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Ah, now I'm starting to get it.
So it's not just public displays of affection, it's being physical in general. If you need more out of the relationship (being physical is a big part of romance for most people), then it's time for a very serious talk with him. Explain that you need more affection from him. Talk about why it is important to you and why it bothers you when he ignores that or stifles it. Maybe he just has a very different view of romance than you do. If you're each looking for something completely different in a partner, then it might be time to make the split. It's got nothing to do with you and nothing to do with him, maybe you two just aren't so compatible. But hopefully it won't come to that. Talk to him about coming out of his shell. Ask him what kind of support he needs in order to fully trust you and be open with you. |
Pretty much everything I could say about the situation has already been said, but I was talking to someone else who had the opposite problem: her boyfriend always wanted to do that stuff, and she was the one holding back on it. Maybe you should look at it like, is there anything you and your friend who dated him before, might have done in common to have bothered your current boyfriend? Has he been known to show physical affection, whether in public or not, with /anyone/? Maybe he's just really shy, or he isn't quite ready for that. If he's not ready for it, it's not right to try and force him to be. You wouldn't like if a guy did that to you, so you shouldn't try to do it to him either. (Not saying you are or intend to.)
Do you guys see each other mostly when other people are around? If he thinks that PDA bothers some people (it may even bother him! Or make him feel uncomfortable to actually do, knowing people could be like... watching, and taking notes or something equally creepy o,O) he might be just trying to spare them that. If you guys are alone and he still won't do anything, you might want to rephrase your question and ask him why he doesn't like doing more than hugging and maybe holding hands. You could even do it in a more subtle way, ask him about his first kiss or something like that. If he hasn't had it, maybe he's freaked out about that. If he has, you need to find out what might be causing him to not want to show any physical signs of affection toward you. Ultimately though, I don't think you should break up with him because of this. If you do feel really frustrated after genuinely trying to figure things out, then you should do what you think feels right. For the time being, I think it would be better for both of you to just try and figure out what might be causing him to be this way. Just remember that though you might be craving more physical signs of affection, that's not the only way to be shown that someone loves you, and you want to focus as much on other forms of affection as you do on physical. If you dote too much on the physical aspect, people - guys in particular - will get the wrong idea and might pressure you for things you're not ready for. Also, since you mentioned your ex-boyfriend, and how he's friends with your current boyfriend, did you ever think that maybe your boyfriend saw how this other guy acted with you and other girls, and decided he didn't want to be like that? He could be trying to not act that way, and is just going overboard with it and not realizing it. |
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