Menewsha Avatar Community - The Savior

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The Savior - A Girl/Girl Romance

Hello everyone! I am writing this as I go aimlessly, but I wanted to write this story for a while. Any and all advice, criticism, comments, etc.... It's all appreciated! Note: Story is by me, but KaciCake had to help me with the title (titles aren't my high point).

PROLOGUE

Quote:

{P.O.V. = Chloe}

It's been a long time since I truly felt close to someone. Since my mother died when I was in middle school, I've been too scared to truly connect to anyone else. I have a six-year-old child living with me that I treat as a daughter, and though I do care for her deeply like a mother would, I can't say I fully put my heart into my relationship with her. Even though I try to make her happy, I can't say I'm good at doing it wholeheartedly at all.

I live alone with my daughter, Janice, in an apartment upstairs from the bakery I work at part time. Every day is the same- get Janny and myself ready for the day, drop Janny off at Kindergarten, go to school, pick up Janny, go to work. That's my schedule of every day. When I don't have school, I stay at home and read cookbooks or do housework. On most days, I go to school early or leave late due to clubs- specifically the culinary club and the track team. That is all I do- I don't hang out with friends, except going to a bar once in a while on a weekend with coworkers.

I do a lot of cooking at home, though occasionally we get a free little meal from Richard, the bakery owner. Richard has been like a father to me since my mother had gotten sick in elementary school. I was too young to get a job legally, but Richard had pulled some strings so that I could work at the bakery in the kitchen, mostly cleaning, and occasionally getting to cook some pastries with him. My brother was useless, so I had to do something to support my mother. Even when Shawn went to college, he did nothing for our family. I no longer consider him really family- I have no reason to.

However, all this information is neither here nor there. It doesn't matter all that much compared to what this is really about. Yes, background is helpful, but this has nothing to do with what you're about to learn about me. I was always a freak. 'Chloe Kitski, the girl everyone can recognize but have never really met'. I didn't sit still, and never really had a deep conversation with anyone. Not until the day I met her. Melissa changed my life- and it is something I will never forget, until the day I die.

My first advice is that it's usually not a good idea to use the POV tag at the start of the chapter, because stories shouldn't switch perspectives that much for it to be a problem, and if they do, a tool I've seen authors use is to make the chapter title the character name instead. So instead of saying "Chapter One - Random Title Here" they might say "Chloe" and then the next chapter, in the new perspective, say the other characters name.

Also, if you're going to be switching perspectives a lot, you want to consider if this is a good idea. The title says this is a romance story, and personally I think it would be really bad to have one character's perspective the one chapter, and then say the other love interest have it their perspective in the next chapter. It leaves little discovery to the reader and instead of showing them how the characters feel, it tells them. This doesn't mean this method can't work, just that it's something I personally find more difficult to keep readers interested since it has to be done very well.

Both of these things are without reading the story at all, just the beginning bit. And of course, I'm only trying to be harsh to help, not because I hate the work (since I haven't read it yet! ^^)

The actual written part was somehow not at all what I expected, but I liked it quite a bit. It was very informative, giving some background information on the character for us to build up our own image of her, but at the same time it was interesting to read. I couldn't notice any grammatical mistakes right off the bat, but I'm no genius with that sort of thing myself. It all looked good.

The one question I do have, though, is why did you choose to post it in quote tags? It's your own written work, and it looks a bit odd, particularly with the "Prologue" text being outside of the tags. Just curious :) I like it so far though!

I wrote it in my word processor and I thought it'd be easier to keep the actual text of the story separated from the post itself through the quote tags.

As for the POV thing, I did that mostly because the prologue is Chloe's explanation of her general situation. The rest of the story is by a narrator (third party). I only put it so it was noticeable that "Hey, this is in first person." This way, when it jumps to third person, people won't be like "Wait, so... What? When did Chloe have another person named Chloe around? I don't get it." or anything like that, y'know? I understand your point though.

I'm glad that you liked the general content of the story so far. It didn't come out the way I expected either, honestly. I'm just sort of free-writing right now with it. This isn't something I really know if I want to publish anyway. This is more practice for my own benefit. I wanted to expand on Chloe a little more (I use her in a lot of role-plays) so this was my way of learning more about her myself. I do generally check my grammar and whatnot no matter what, but... I don't look at things like the POV when it's free-writing for some reason. Thanks for your opinion on that matter! I will keep that in mind with the next chapter <3

Any opinion on where you'd like the story to go? I like reader input on even the plot too. Just ideas that you think would make it more interesting to you, I mean. I don't want you writing the story for me! xP

Thanks for reading <3

I understand what you mean about the perspective there completely, and the separating it from the post part :) Maybe just put the prologue title in the quote as well :3

Hmmm, ideas... since you mentioned her brother Shawn (love that you spelled it that way, that's how my mom did the spelling for my older brothers name since his name is Shawn. I hate when people spell it Sean D: ), maybe he could come into the story at a later point for some reason? Cause some drama, or maybe have some sort of reunion and repairing of the relationships with his family.

Also, is Chloe already interested in women or does this develop throughout? How does she meet Melissa? Does Melissa like women? These aren't ideas so much as questions to explore, though you likely have some idea already.

I've gone through those things in my head for the questions you noted, and I like the idea of making Shawn come in later to cause havoc, so to speak. Most things are going to come out as time goes on (Chloe doesn't have "interest" in anyone right now because of her issues). But I need to figure out when to bring Shawn in. Oh well... It'll come soon enough I bet. <3

And really, thank you for your ideas and help. I appreciate it very much!

No problem! :) And yeah, I figured you would have those questions in mind since they're the first that pop into your head with this story.

Another plot thing, you mention Chloe's "daughter" that's not really her daughter - how did that come to happen? If the parents or any of the parents/relatives are still alive, that could also cause conflict down the road.

I seriously never thought of the later idea! That one's a seriously awesome one! I think that one will definitely come in handy, if you don't mind me using it. It just seems like a really good way to spice up things sooner or later when needed!

I definitely do not mind :) Glad to be of help. There's loads of possibility for conflict and, let's face it, it's the conflict that makes any story interesting! :3

I definitely agree. Character-driven stories are always much better than just plain ol' plots. "Okay so we're going to the school. That's it. Okay done." Booooring. However, adding characters that make something happen just because of their personalities? It's as fun to write as it is to read (and that is FUN to read <333). So I can definitely agree on that point.

Do you like to write? Or are you mostly a reader? Either way you're good at giving ideas and pointing out flaws and the like. I appreciate it!

I love writing ^^ I've loved it since first grade, though I'm only just starting to get more into real writing (where I actually edit my work and have stories evaluated and stuff. I have a Writer's Craft class, so I had to write a sixty page novella. I posted it on the site here ;P )

I think I read more than I write though, because I read a LOT. Usually quite a bit every day if I can manage. And thanks! There's many things that I, in general, probably miss, but I usually do a few read through's when I'm actually editing to make sure I catch everything.

And I agree, plain old boring stories suck. It's the one that gets you emotionally involved with the characters and then put you on a rollercoaster ride with them! I prefer fantasy stories myself, or like, contemporary fantasy. One book I read recently, "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins, is still vivid in my mind :3 Very cool universe.

What kind of contemporary fantasy are you interested in? Fantasy-like elements are involved with Melissa's background, so I may end up bringing those types of things in anyway. I happen to be better at science-fiction when it comes to writing, but I'm also decent with modern and slight fantasy twists. I've developed over time I suppose.

I couldn't read in first grade though. I loved typing aimlessly, but my dyslexia made it really hard to read until third. I couldn't add 5+5 or anything until then either 'cause of it. Dyslexia is a pain in the rear xD

I agree. Only kind of roller-coaster I like is a literary one. I heard of "The Hunger Games", but never read it. How is it? i recently started reading a book called "Snow Flower" By Lisa See (er... I may have her name wrong) and it is still very powerful in my mind as well.