Getting a man to listen
 

I decided I was never going to post on this forum unless I had a problem that was not too personal that I wouldn't mind gets heaps of advice on and it just happened.

My boyfriend doesn't know how to listen to me when I talk. I am not like most women (at least when I'm not online.) I'm very, very quiet. Most of the time I just listen to people and get amazed at how fast a lot of other women can talk.

Because of this, when me and him have conversations, most of the time I'm just listening to him going on and on about his hobbies and occasionally interjecting a comment or a question. Or when he tells me about his day, I listen a lot, too. In fact, there has been many occasions (we're long distance, by the way, so most of what we do is talk) where we're just completely quiet for awhile because he's finished all he has to say for the day and now that it's "my" turn, even though I've only commented on his life and his day, I have nothing to say, so I just sit there silently and say once that I'm sad that the conversation is over. That's about it.

Anyway, he never really gets to hear about my days and the things I do and like. I've been making a special effort to talk about those things lately anyway because I feel that I shouldn't be so submissive and quiet that I disappear in the relationship.

Well, he can't seem to take it when I talk. He says that he's listening and that he cares about what I have to say, but actions speak louder than words.

If I do talk, I talk to him about my feelings or the forums I post on or my favorite television show. I participate in all his hobbies (Magic the Gathering and World of Warcraft and other things he likes) and he participates in none of mine, so I feel that it's nice to tell him a little about the things I like to do since he tells me so much about his hobbies and has me participate in them so much.

I don't nag him when I talk about feelings or anything of the sort and he talks about his own feelings to me sometimes, so I don't understand why . . . . .

Whenever I talk to him no matter what it is about, first of all, he doesn't reply to anything I have to say. He gets so silent, even when I ask his opinion about things that you could hear a pin drop. If he was happy and talkative before I started talking, he stops being so afterwards and during it and his voice gets this miserable tone to it.

He always winds up getting angry at me or getting tired. He sleeps when he's stressed out so I know he hates when I speak. He gets angry when people hurt me, he says, but he winds up yelling at me about it instead of them (not that I want him to yell at anyone, I just want to express myself.) It really hurts my feelings. Like I said, actions speak louder than words and he's showing me with all his actions that he hates every second of everything I say.

I've talked to him about how I feel that he does this and like I said, he denies the whole thing. Either that or when he's having an honest moment, he just says that my hobbies are boring or that I have too many emotions. And I've also tried to make the conversation when I talk, less one-sided, by asking him questions a lot when I speak about what he thinks and stuff. This either gets him angry because I'm asking too many questions or he says to me,"Aren't you being cute? Trying to get me to talk by asking me a bunch of questions." And then he refuses to answer them and it frustrates me to death.

What do I do? How do I get him to enjoy conversations that aren't just him blabbering on for hours about his one hobby without resenting me afterward?

And just in case you are going to say it (don't), I don't want to break-up with him. We've been together for four years and I just want help knowing what I should do.

EDIT: And please try to be nice when you respond to this thread if you can. >_< I'm really sensitive online about posting these kinds of things because I've been flamed to death and judged and stuff on too many occasions, so I can be a bit scared and sensitive to read the replies, but I'm hoping you guys can come up with a good answer.

This sounds like a miserable relationship to me. I sometimes have this problem with my husband -- he'll go on and on about his interests (old radios, tube audio systems, atheism...) while I kind of stare past him and nod. In return, if I go on about anime or my Japanese cute fetish, he nods and smiles and looks bored. So we have a kind of understanding about each of our rantings and ramblings.

You two have no such understanding, and it sounds as if you've tried to make him understand that what he does upsets you. Have you been perfectly clear to him? Explained it to him in the way that you've explained it to us? I don't know you or him, so it's possible that vagueness got in the way, maybe you were trying to pull your punches. You sound like a really sweet, easygoing person, and I think your boyfriend is simply walking all over you.

Don't let him walk all over you. You need to make sure he understands that his behavior is making you miserable, and that it needs to change, or the relationship will not ever progress to a trusting, loving stage.

A lot of the problem really sounds like it's *his* problems. Would he be willing to go with you to a counselor of some kind? It can be a professional therapist, or just a friend you both trust, or a mentor... Another question: have you asked your family for help? Or his, for that matter? Maybe there's trauma or baggage that he's carrying that you don't know about, and learning about it could help you work through this.

Whatever you decide, remember that (1) communication is essential; (2) you can be two different people despite being in a relationship; (3) in the words of my brilliant elder sister: "Every relationship you ever have will be a failure. Except one. Maybe." If you can't get things to work, it might be time to move on, however painful it is to contemplate. Clearly, though, something has to change, and soon, if you're so unhappy as to post here. :hug:

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It sounds like it's really hard for you to let these emotions/thoughts out and to be rejected by your very own boyfriend must be terrible for you. I don't know how to make him listen, I know that he should care about you enough to listen. I mean, don't try to get him to listen to a 4 hour conversation on something he doesn't want to talk about....but if it means a lot to you, he should listen. If he absolutely cannot listen to you even after you tell him it hurts you that he doesn't...then you need to start thinking about what's in this relationship for you. Because, to me, it sounds very one-sided. He gets to tell you about his days and his thoughts, he gets to share his hobbies, but you can't? That's not fair to you. You seem like a really good person and you should be with someone who appreciates you. I'm not trying to attack him because I don't know what's going on, really. Only you know that. So you need to trust yourself and your thoughts/feelings about what is going on enough to make a decision about what to do. Do you think that he will listen to you if you ask? Don't be afraid to think the hard questions because this is about YOU and your future. Sometimes, even though things may seem good...they're really hurting us. And I think it takes a while to realize this when you care about someone a lot. Good luck.

that sounds very frustrating and upsetting =( I can imagine it might eventually feel like ur banging your head against a brock wall since he doesn't seem to get what you want AT ALL.

In my opinion you sound like a lovely girl, and he seems either too lazy or ignorant to recognise and repect what you have to say (sorry if it sounds harsh >< i don't think there's a nice way of saying that)

Telling him what you want is a great step forward =3 If I were you and I wanted to stay with him I'd give him a taste of his own medicin and start acting the way he acts. BUT I'm not saying it's a good idea!

With my bf (who doesnt have the same problem but very silly), if i want him to understand what I'm saying I ask him "Now how would you feel if I did this to you?" "How would it seem if i reacted this way and told you something different" and "would I ever (insert reaction here) towards you in this situation?" Sometimes you have to spell it out to men, because we all know they just don't have the smarts =p But with enough help, hopefully he'll understand where you're coming from!

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope things change =3

Let me tell you a few things about guys. We don't listen often, we love food, and our attention spans are about as long as our thumbs. (Well, unless you have a small, you know, then you'd pay attention more to try and make up for it.) Those really nice guys out there (like me) were probably raised harsher than the guys who were raised spoiled or normally. Guys just really don't care. When a guy says that he doesn't care, he means it. Guys always think that they're right and everyone else is wrong, and when someone else challenges that it usually doesn't end up pretty.

If that helps you at all, I'm glad.
You should just dump his sorry ass. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve way better.
>_<

I can't really say to much about the thought processes of men, other than, from what I've seen/heard, men aren't as good at subtle. Some are, but a lot aren't. You have to be blunt and straightforward. All I can really suggest is keep trying to talk to him and be as blunt about it as you can be. Sure, you have a lot of emotions, but so do all women. Men do to, they just don't like to admit it, and their emotions often times work a little different than ours.

Like anime_scholar said, maybe there is something in his past that you aren't fully aware of, some reason he doesn't want to listen to you. But, really, if he can't listen to you, as much as you don't want to hear this suggestion, there may come a point where you have to break it off. You come across as a very nice person and you deserve a voice in any relationship you are in.

A lot of people are like that. My mom's supposed best friend(long story) is. R will come over and stay for hours talking about her problems, but the second my mom says anything about her own, R suddenly has to leave. My friend A always complains about her minor problems. One time my friend S admitted that her father has hit her a lot over the years and my friend A said "Oh yeah? Well my mom sent me to my room and wouldn't let me out. But then my dad came over and snuck me out and shared his chips with me." Drama queen much? Most people just don't want to hear it these days. I don't often talk about my problems because everyone thinks theirs are worse, or they just don't want to hear it. Even though I'll be their open ear and crying shoulder and they know it.

@Syra: She said it's a long distance relationship. >_<

@Derrick: You have a point. All guys really care about is themselves, except for the really nice ones or the ones with the small "Woo-Hoo."