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Twisted Poems (tell me what you think!)
Uh... gotta say most of my poetry is pretty creepy, slightly twisted and more often than not, insane :XP
Tell me what you think and what you think I need to improve on =3 Heart in a Jar If I would never die I'd tear right out my heart And put it in a jar for you So we wouldn't be far apart The gaping wound in my chest Would show my love of you With every drop it bleeds out It speaks of my love so true Madness No rhyme to reason or reason to rhyme Falling in backwards and out of your time Tumbling slowly is all that you know Down the wrong pathway which way will you go? Faster and faster your heartbeat is racing Up the right staircase your mind must be pacing Madder and madder this world does it spin Holding on tightly by the teeth of your skin Nothing makes sense and you do not care Racing on forwards while screaming a prayer Hoping that you don't turn out from the fall In a blistering whirlwind of a battering brawl Oh where can you be oh where is it now Wondering on slowly and waiting on how Running on crazy while racing on roads Down the right pathway which way can you go? No reason to rhyme or rhyme to the reason Tripping on over the wrong kind of season The Nightmare Circus this is about a circus my friend invented for our AU story Come on down to the Nightmare Circus You won't believe your eyes or ears We will show you the twistiest tricks And play upon your darkest fears Now watch out for the knife thrower He will target anything in sight Sharpest blades can match his wit Tied to his board you cannot fight Pretty little lion boy is no better Claws and teeth and psycho grin Dare you even look him in the eyes? Crystal orbs show darkness within Flying high up near the tent top You will see a dear acrobat But even he will scar your mind Charm you like a desert cat Pay this darling clown to hug you He might even steal your heart But believe me when I say this to you He is just playing his part The leader of them all is a terrible man He will take you in and not let go So come on dear and take your seat You are going to enjoy the show The Nightmare Circus holds a secret Some people may never come home Trapped forever in this dark man's clutches But at least you will not be alone Many have been lost to this carnival With all its tricks and traps and charm We will betray you with a smile And you won't even know of any harm Come on down to the Nightmare Circus You won't believe your ears or eyes We will show you your darkest desires You'll fall completely for our lies Thanks for reading =3 |
AABBCC. Very boring scheme.
Not to say they are bad. I enjoyed the first one :] In your free time though, trying branching out and trying different schemes. ABACB is a favorite of mine. (This is not a poem... just an example haha) It's all in my mind A sound is heard I can't understand it Is it a sound? Or is it a word? It flows much better when substituted by an actual poem, but it's a nice change of pace from the single set matching rhyme. I'm not a fan of free form poetry. But as long as the lines match up as a whole I can stand it. |
I love free form poetry. It is much easier to understand than some written in a forced form. Your work is twisted, but in an awesome way. Bravo. keep writing.
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You often lost your rhyme in some parts. And it's bland, boring... just ugh. It's the same old, same old and there's nothing profound about it. I can't even say there's anything "twisted" about it... You need work.
I mean, don't get me wrong, they're good to start with, but there's a lot of imporvment needed. This isn't to say that you should stop writing at all, either. It's simply what you need to hear to become a better writer. If you want a more extensive crit, I will be more than happy to give one, but first let's see how you take me telling you your stuff... kinda sucks... |
Thanks for your inputs XD I don't really write poetry that much and when I do it's more of a therapy so I'm not too fixed on getting the rhymes right. And I tend to stick to the more 'simple' rhyming schemes 'cause they're just quicker to write =3
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Then I greatly suggest so as not waste anyone else's time to place in the post's or at least in the title - NO CRIT or JUST COMMENTS. It's really a pain in the ass to put all that time into something only to be told the writer doesn't care, ya know? |
I like your first peom, it is neat
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