It was my Place to Tell Them (I'm Bisexual..)
 

So, I am bisexual and my parents, sister, and close friends know about it already. Well, I am dating this guy and, of course, he knows too. Well, one of his sisters, who really looks up to me (She's 13. He has 2 younger sisters) was telling him that her friend came out as being bisexual and that it was "gross". He said,"Hey, Jenna's bisexual." and the other sister says,"Oh....", kinda like she didn't know what to think. He just told me about all this. Now, I know that it probably would have come out at some point, but I kinda feel like it was my place to tell them if I wanted them to know. I wasn't there to speak for myself or answer their questions if they had any. They've known me for 10 years. They look up to me and it was my place, not his. I feel kind of hurt. I'm not necessarily mad, just a bit hurt. Idk if I'm wrong for feeling a bit hurt or not?? I'll get over it sometime. I just feel like he did something he didn't exactly have a right to do...

Imaginative Sarah - I think you misunderstood the question, seeing as you talked a lot about if she was sure she's bisexual, which isn't anywhere near her qestion. She doesn't even question her bisexuality in her topic XD

I too think, that's it's your right to tell them, when you feel ready. But it sounds like it kinda just feel outta him, or he tried to stand up for you. If it's just a mistake, that he told here, then there isn't so much to be hurt about. But you can't change the way you feel, so as long as he understands you, then I would let the topic be :3 As long as he doesn't do it again >3 !

@ Kole, it's not her family members, it was his little sister.

It's understandable that you feel hurt. It's one thing to tell people yourself, but he didn't mean to go behind your back. Something like that, would you rather he let his sister think that it was ok to believe her friend, until you told her yourself? I remember at 13, it doesn't take much to make up your mind, and once it's set it doesn't change. You might have risked loosing his sister to the phobics.

Yes be angry long enough for him to apologize and grovel, but in the end whats done it done. Talk to the little sister, and continue from where he left off, except from your perspective this time.

I know he said someting that you think he shouldnt have w/o your permission...but it sounds like he was defending you and that other girl. If they can't accept you...well...they aren't worth it?

It's your own business. I don't think he should have told her that.

I would think that your boyfriend was probably just so used to you being bisexual that he didn't really think that anyone would be offended. It doesn't sound like he was being malicious, most of my friends and I are very open with our sexuality to others so it has never offended any of us if the other announces it. I would say that he likely meant no harm or embarrassment and that he was just being open. I think that your response to it is your own and that you should feel no shame for feeling that way. For the future though, you should tell those you announce your sexuality to, that it is only for you to tell others. That way this doesn't happen again. I would image that if they had looked up to you for so long that they will get used to the fact with time, it takes a really hard hater to give up friendship with someone they like and trust when they learn these things. (even then I have in the course of one summer turn a young man from saying he would kill a gay who crossed his path, to saying that gay was alright by him. Never give up hope, people learn to love others differences with time)

Let me put it this way . . . . . .

I think you guys just had a misunderstanding is all. It's one of the biggest causes of fights in relationships. Did you ever tell him "I'm not comfortable with you telling other people I'm bisexual, I need to tell them myself"? If not, then you have no reason to be upset at him. Just tell him,"Please don't tell anyone else I am bisexual again without my permission, it makes me feel uncomfortable." Because he thought it was a topic open for discussion for him to talk to with anyone. He won't do it again probably if you tell him not to and while you can't undo what happened, it will prevent him from doing this kind of thing in the future.

And make SURE if there's anything about yourself like this that he knows about that you feel uncomfortable with him telling in the future that you tell him immediately,"Don't tell this to anyone without my permission" so he knows. He can't read your brain.

All I'm saying is it's okay for you to want this kind of thing to be private and that there's nothing wrong with your feelings and that I don't think it's good to get mad at him over this. Just make yourself more clear in the future so there's no misunderstandings where he thinks he can tell other people things in the future when you're really not comfortable with it.

Relationships are all about communication.

Thanks for your input everyone :) I know that he probably didn't do it to go behind my back. It just surprised me. We're okay. I just told him to let me be the one to tell people I know in the future. He did apologize. I'll just have to be more clear about things like that in the future. But thanks for the advice everyone!

Well in one way I would feel hurt in one way but proud in another. Yes I would feel hurt he told that behind your back, but I would be happy knowing your boyfriend was sticking up for your views. He was trying to show his sister that alot of people in the world are bi or gay. That everybody has different views. That sometimes even people that you are some what close to are gay or bi. I would just tell your boyfriend that you would like to be in charge of who you want your bi-sexuality preference known too. I have been bi since 13 and now I am 20 years old and still bi and I just told my mom a few months ago of my bi-sexuality.

Personally, I'm very openly bisexual, to the point where I bring it up in casual conversation. It puts off some people, definitely, but I am proud and don't care at all. I wouldn't have been offended in your situation, but I understand most people are much more reserved about it than I am.

However, not to stick up for the guy but, consider this- he may have assumed that you were the way I am, because it's easy for guys to misunderstand things like that. Sometimes us girls have to make things like that clear, because guys definitely think differently than we do.

@Gabriel- you're one of the few people I know who thinks like that. Being bisexual myself I know how she is feeling. Both sides sort of discriminate against you feeling you should "just make up your damn mind" as I've been told time and time again.

Anyways, as for the question at hand it is something you should feel alittle hurt over but my suggestion is to talk to him about it...let him know why you're hurt.

When you say that coming out as a bisexual person isn't as dramatic as coming out as a gay or lesbian what you're really saying to bisexual people is that their sexuality isn't as worthy or valid as a homosexual's sexuality or even a heterosexual person's. Bisexual individuals may face criticism from both the gay community and the straight community and are quite often told that they simply need to make up their mind about which gender they prefer. Just because you don't have any issues with a person being bisexual doesn't mean that their parents were thrilled about it if and when they came out to them.

While apart of the overall queer community bisexual people face different facets of opposition and deal with different types of pressure. This in no way means that their "coming out" is any less dramatic or worthwhile.

I know that you may not have meant any offense but it clearly did not come across that way.

@ Gabriel-My coming out was pretty dramatic. Neither of my parents were happy about it at all. But I assumed you meant no offense.

@ Cora Lorington-Yep. That's true.

@ Scribbled Lore-Yeah. I do hear it from both sides about "making up my mind" and about how bisexuality means I am just confused or that I am curious or like it's temporary until I figure out whether or not I am "Homosexual" or "Straight". My Parents think it was a "phase" or temporary just bc I am with a guy at the moment and not a chick. It's annoying for me.

well, if it really lifts a load off your chest, then why not come clean?

as the maxim goes,"The Truth shall set You Free".

Your parents' reactions may or will be ugly, but they will still love you for you, no matter what.

Im straight, but i used to date a bi. She was kinda nice, considering we had the same criteria on choosing women.

Its not really one's sexual orientation and/or preference that makes you who you are. its your actions and your willingness to accept the responsibility for it.

Hello. I don't think you are wrong for being upset about it, I would too. He should have talked to you about it first, but I imagine he stated it without thinking. Her saying it grossed her out probably bothered him and triggered him to say it without thinking of the consequences.

to be honest, i dont think its anything to be hurt over. true, its your right and place to tell people..but if (as it seems) he was defending the whole bisexual thing, and it slipped out in defending it, thats a different thing from him just going around saying "hey, do you know my girlfriend is bi?!" his intentions were in the right place..an him defending it in itself means he accepts you for who you are, and trust me, thats hard to find in a guy to begin with. dont make him grovel or feel bad for standing behind you and supporting you, (in the form of defending being bi). instead..try telling him your thankful for his support and standing up for bisexuality but next time its something you'd personally would rather tell someone.

Consider this, how would you have told them and could you handle their reaction to your face? Also, do you think that maybe it happened to come out in aconversation such as:

"I heard so and so is bisexual, that's gross!"
"watch what you say!"
"well they are."
"Jenna's bisexual, is SHE gross?"

Maybe it slipped! I don't know, I wasn't there, but now they know, the only next step is to talk to them. They know, they can't un-know it, but if they're uncomfortable, just talk to them about it. If they don't accept you, remember, one is 13. I remember all the stuff I thought was gross at that age until now.

He outed you and you have every right to be a bit upset, but I think he did it to teach his sis a lesson on judging others, not to hurt you. So forgive if you can, I think his heart was in the right place.

And @ Scribbled, As a Bisexual girl, I couldn't have said it better myself :yes:

Well, I did forgive him. I didn't hate him for it or anything. I just told him I appreciated the fact that he accepted my Bisexuality and that, in the future, I would just like it if I could be the one to tell people about it.

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Btw, just an update-He and I aren't dating anymore. It was just casual dating. But we're still friends.