Loving 2+ (Good or bad?)
 

So the title is quite simple, but the answer I expect to be thought about before answered, as it is not a simple answer.

For me, I love 2 people and I have always been told that loving 2 people was a guarantee of loads of failures; however, I think it is not so, for we are happy. As of late however, I have been getting confronted by people in real life about this and believe that it is wrong and terrible. I also learned it is considered to be referred to as savage by the American government. I know from my position of knowing both of them that we could live together happily.

Due to this I decided to ask the most rational community I know this to see how the people who think first before reacting will respond.

No I don't want you to politely censor yourself. I want your opinion, not a specific answer.

Note: This isn't about playing other people and juggling people. It is about openly loving and having a relationship with 2+ people (polygamy).

Spoon:
Is it wrong to love 2 or more people? Why? What would it take to make it right?

^^ Thanks howdy... wasn't sure if it would be a discussion or a debate

@ Miss Eevee - ^^ that's a pretty good rule
@ Nissa - Lying to themselves? Why is it that a person must be lying to themselves to be content? People have loved and lost, after which they love again. Humans have a compacity to love more than one person, so why is it they can't love those two at the same time?

I don't think it's a bad thing at all :]
I mean your happy their happy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with loving more than one person at once. We certainly have the capacity to. I know I have loved more than one person at a time before. I've also been on the other side, dating someone who was also in love with another girl. He was seeing both of us for awhile. I don't know if she knew about me. He ended up wanting to be with just her. So I guess my view on the loving more than one person thing is a bit cynical.

I think for most people it would be hard sharing someone you love with someone else. Some people might say they are ok with it because they want them to be happy, but I think a person who can truly be happy in that situation, without feeling any jealousy or pain whatsoever knowing the person they love is also in love with someone else, is a rare person indeed.

As long as there is no deception, and everyone is honest about how they feel and no one is hurt, I don't think it is wrong. I think because of the nature of the relationship, things are more likely to end in failure than in a one-on-one relationship, and it would take a lot more work and consideration to make it work. I don't think most people would be up for it. However, everyone is different, and just because I wouldn't be able to do it, it doesn't mean it's impossible.

@ Nissa - =) thanks for clarifying... I agree it is hard to see the other side of the perspective when we can only live on one side...

@ Yana - Well... in my case I made sure both of them knew. They're actually friends too, and the first one said they wouldn't be jealous at all, =3 so since they're not the jealous type. They're both very unique, and as you say very rare indeed.

While you say more likely... it seems relationships aren't really working to begin with with the divorce rate...

If it is right for you and the people involved, then it's the right choice.

All these apathetic, indifferent replies o.O.
Why is almost everyone's answer "if it makes you happy, then it isn't wrong?"
Sure, tolerance is taught a lot more nowadays and very respected, however the question is "why isn't it wrong or right?"

Here are my reasons of why there is nothing wrong, happy is irrelevant and a red herring for why it would be right.

KEEP IN MIND THIS IS AN AMERICAN CULTURE POINT OF VIEW.
1. Most reasons why polygamy is looked down upon is due to Abrahamic religions teachings. Since the abrahamic religions are becoming much more irrelevant, (with the slow acceptance of homosexuality and female equality,) polygamy should also be on that list as well.

2. It infringes on no one's rights as specified in the Constitution and Bill of Rights. If it does not harm the people involved in it, then it should be fully allowed.

For now, I have pretty much ran out of time, however one last thing will be my personal opinion. Love is not about sex. Everyone loves many people and many things. This is not viewed as wrong. To have sex with multiple people is kind of unique, and I would actually have the opinion that one that shares their intimacy and body with multiple people has less capability of attachment and loyalty as it is a shared attachment/loyalty. The whole(monogamy) is always greater than the individual halves or pieces(polygamy). With that being said, people with an overall lesser capability of showing feelings of attachment and love, would be much more successful at a polygamist relationship than those that have much more emotive capabilities in my own opinion and observation.

@ Tutela - The irony of that 2nd part, is that upon research I did, polygamy is in fact illegal... it's just not reinforced because of the problems convicting people has caused.

About what you say in reference to them being half as great of capabilities as a monogamous relationship. While there is more than one person around to love, it does not always drain the possible love from the other ones. For example, you have a friend you love like a sister... you can love 2-3 more like a sister and not drain the value of the first. the same goes for love. Just because it is categorized as love, doesn't mean that each person is loved the same way for the same reasons.

While you say they can be more successful... I beg to differ... as America can't even keep monogamous people married...

It is illegal because WASP's are relatively Christian and create laws based strictly and loosely off the Christianity doctrines. Just as homosexual marriages are also not allowed in most of the states.

I don't think you understood me. I was not comparing them in greatness. I was comparing them in loyalty and attachment. Also, I never mentioned the word "drain" at all. You cannot lose something you never had to begin with. Having more than one person to be dedicated fully to decreases the total sum of what you can offer each. It is not, you give them both 100% and then it drains from there. It is more like you give them each a total of 75% because that is all you are capable of giving.

Are you stating there are no such thing as favorites and preferred? If all your sisters got in a disagreement would there not be one that you would side with? If you do not choose to side with each due to the equal loyalty to each, would that not be lacking in loyalty according to each of the sisters? Would each sister not hold you in scorn for your indifference in the argument?

Polygamy is multiple life partners usually with intimate sexual relations. It is not a general family love. Some reasons are more important than others, some loves are stronger than others. If you are truly equal in your attachment to both, then you are not fully loving either.

You misunderstood me again. All I said is people having less capability to have emotion would be much more successful at a polygamist relationship than those that are much more emotional. I said nothing along these lines about a monogamist relationship being more successful. However, I would vouch to say that the divorce rate is so high because a monogamist relationship requires the utmost loyalty and dedication, something the majority of humans in this world are no longer capable of having.

It's not that I believe it wrong as much as I believe it's impossible. To me, love means that you put them in your number 1 romance spot and that nothing compares to them. When you have 2 different humans, it totally conflicts my meaning. While it may be different for everyone else here, I just don't believe that you can give your heart and soul to someone entirely and still have someone that you feel the exact same way towards.

I just want to point out, for those who say that my definition of love is too extreme, how many times do you hear "I love you" being tossed around by someone who's been in a relationship for 5 minutes and they break up a week later? Maybe 5 minutes is all you need, but not usually. Love is thrown around like nothing nowadays.

@ Drach - Well... one thing about polygamy is that you can love each person completely differently, because nobody is going to be loved the same way, even the "next partner" will be loved differently than the first in monogamous relationships.

While you say some people say "I love you" after 5 minutes and break up a week later, I have known both of them for 3 years. While yes it is thrown around too much nowadays, a relationship being polygamous doesn't make love thrown around.

@ Tutela - If 75% is what you say I would be capable of, what determines how much love a person can have?

True many relationships are sexual, but some people do not desire a physical relationship. It isn't required for a happy relationship. As for not fully loving both: Not every person in the world desires to be loved the same way as all the rest. I think if a polygamous relationship is rationally approached with the compatibility of the other 2 in mind you can.

Why do you believe that polygamous people with less emotion would be more successful? For me I'm emotionally attached to both and the relationship is doing better (and lasting longer) than my divorcing brother's monogamous relationship.

My apologies if I misunderstood anything again, if so feel free to clarify.

I personally don't see anything wrong with what you have. It seems like it's working alright for you, and though I may not want to do something like that myself, I can't judge these kind of things that people do. As long as the three of you are in love, then go for it. I see nothing wrong with this relationship in the terms of what a healthy relationship.

@The Wandering Poet You seem to have a more level head. Some are in poly-relationships just to have 2 partners at once and not do it for love. As long as you can work it out and your partners are okay with it, then i say you go for it. To me, it just feels wrong. That is just my opinion! I've had my share of shared love, it just seems that most can't keep a level head on it. One partner will eventually feel left out and try to make their relationship monogamous. Ironically, many in a monogomous relationship want polyamory in some way.

I myself am polyamorous, so obviously I agree that it's not outright WRONG...
However, it's certainly not right for everyone. Some people really can't tolerate that kind of thing, and it's important that they and their partners respect that, if the other person is interested in being with multiple people at once.
My policy as far as being with more than one person at once is that every party involved must know what's going on at all times. They have to know that they're not the only ones in the relationship, and they have to be fine with that.

AND. Just because someone is with more than one person, whether romantically or just sexually, it doesn't necessarily guarantee that you'll be caring for anyone any less than if you were just with one person.

I think the most important thing is that everyone is different. What works for some might not work for others. Some people who are polyamorous have "favorites" and some don't. There is no universal truth about polyamory, or about relationships in general, so I can't help but sigh and shake my head when people generalize about them.

Okay, since a couple people have now misunderstood my words. Let me try to reiterate them in a more understandable manner.
I am not comparing the love in a monogamous relationship to the love in a polygamous relationship. I am simply saying that those lacking in emotion than a normal person are more apt to be successful in practicing polygamy than monogamy due to the nature of the slighter lack of emotion. I am not saying polygamous relationships always have favorites, nor am I saying that a polygamous person will love one person less or more than the others. What I am saying, is that even if the love/loyalty/attachment is equal to all within the relationship, it is most likely a lesser love, loyalty, and attachment than someone who would be more successful at having a monogamous relationship. Most people who are in failing monogamous relationships is due to their lack of loyalty/attachment/love, and thus they would be better suited in a polygamy lifestyle. Hence why many divorces are usually instigated because one partner decided to go astray and collect another partner (polygamy), also known as cheating in the monogamous world.

One thing which I expected to see, but has disappointed me all the same is the repeated references to 'love'. It should be recognized that the common western notion of relationships being built on romantic love, is quite simply one cultural understanding of what a relationship should be based on. As we are discussing a relationship system which is not from said culture, it is quite puzzling as to why people would insist on using it as a standard to evaluate whether or not polygamous relationships are viable or not. As such whether romantic love is present and to what degree is quite irrelevant to a discussion on whether or not Polygamous relationships are viable.

Another point worth noting is how it seems to be getting treated as a unique and isolated phenomenon. Again this was not unexpected as it is commonly perceived in such a way. However the reality is that a majority of cultures of had polygamous relationships as their kinship system. Indeed some Anthropologists place the figure at around 66% of cultures.

So from these two points I have raised, I would assert there is nothing 'wrong' with them in the slightest. They are quite simply a different means of defining and understanding kinship. I am quick to point out here that it is not so simplified a situation that they are the same. Quite the contrary, there are differences which exist between various polygamous societies.

I am polyamorous (please, please stop using "polyamory" and "polygamy" interchangeably), so yeah, I think it's fine. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why some people are capable of polyamory and others aren't, but I really haven't any idea. It isn't how emotionally attached people are -- I develop strong emotional attachments to my partners, but I know many non-polyamorists who do as well, and many polyamorists who do not. It's not necessarily based on culture or upbringing, either, though I think both have the potential to affect it.

I do have a question, for Tutela and whoever else has suggested it. Why are so many people acting as though love is an amount, like you only have "room" for so much, you have to divide it out, and so on? Love is entirely intangible. I see no reason why you cannot be completely, 100% in love with every person you're in a relationship with. It's like saying each person can only have *so much* hope, because they have to share with everyone else in the world.