The Black Swan; A Coffee shop for those of alternative tastes.
 

Hi! Welcome to the Coffee Shop. Come on in and order up a hot steamy chocolate cherry macheoto, or a nice cool banana split icy mocha, or just sit down and have a chat with your friendly Barist, ME! :-) Welcome one and all!


Hello one and all, I'm Jamie, aka Black Swan. Special greetings to the great and spentabulous Lord Frappochino, as he is the reason for the creation of this thread. I'll be amusing him, and any of the rest of you, with my interesting (well, in my opinion) and occasionally racy (though still pg 13 in description, if that offends you, bugger off! Go somewhere else.) tales from my time spent as a barista for four different places.

One was a major chain that we'll just call Smucks, which I'm sure you won't really have to guess what this trendy over priced chain actually is, but for legality sake, we'll go with 100% fake names.

Another was an east coast local convenience store chain that USED TO make damn good espresso based drinkable art, but not they suck royally as they dumbed down the program for sake of profit. We'll call that one Bro's.

I also worked at two home town local favorite local owned shops in the east coast city I lived in at the time, we'll call them The Buzz (a very trendy ish beat nick style shop with four different rooms, all with different decor, and all the decor in every room was yard sale mix n match. Favorite hang out of college kids etc.).

The second one we'll Granny's, cause it is exactly what it implies, a small local coffee shop open from 5a-6p, catering to mostly the 70+ retiree crowd. Really didn't do much espresso there, in fact the machine tended to just get used for making steamed milk for chia tea or from scratch hot coco.

Oh, and please don't ask me exactly where any of these places were, or what their real name was. Again, don't feel like having the pants sued off me for saying anything. Also, I won't give you my techniques or the techniques of any of the companies I worked for in making their drinks. If you wanna know what a certain drink is, I'll give you the basic description, that's it. Every barista, like a magician, never reveals their trade secrets! ^_^ ENJOY!

*REPORT!! REPORT!!* Jamie, I am handing in a pixilated lawsuit against you for filing these horrible reports about these respectable, considerate and very sustainable organizations that you just listed. Ha, j/k!

Yes, my friends, this is a place to explain your lovely stories at work. Yes, we all deal with idiots- especially those within the retail and customer service sector. Just be sure, for legal reasons (especially if you still work at the establishment!) to refrain from using the real name.

So more about me, my name remains classified, I am from the beautiful region of Puget Sound in Washington State- work a few blocks from the Starbucks HQ. I have had many wonderful jobs dealing with the public- most of them within city parks, the zoo, special events as well as with my current job now as a canvasser for an environmental organization.

These are our stories:
*That few-tone beat from "Law and Order" plays*

Well, I think to start off I need to tell you about a lady, at the Granny Cafe, who both my most and least favorite customer at the same time. This women would come in every morning at exactly 9:15 (no joke, it was rare for her to be even a minute late, she must have taken the trolley, cause I can't think of any other transportation method that was that punctual to get her there at exactly that time every day.)

Every day she would order the same thing, a cup of hazelnut coffee, with 2 shots of amaretto flavor, and 8 sugars. (How this women wasn't bouncing off the walls was beyond me, I mean that was a decent bit of coffee, cause our in house mugs were pretty darn big, then throw in that much sugar? The lady had to have been pushing 90 to, typical little hunched over old lady with the semi purple tint to her hair from the anti yellowing shampoo old ladies tend to use.) She would ask me my name again, even though she saw me five mornings a week, then ask me if the manager, who we'll call Patrick for right now, still worked there (which, he did. Why she remembered him but not me was beyond me. he'd only been working for them for a short time longer than me, and we only had about 6 employees total.) then she'd ask me if I had any kids, and proceed to stand at the counter telling me about her kids and grand kids (usually the same stories as the day before) for about an hour, barely sipping at her coffee. Finally, at 10:30, she'd say "Oh dear! The time!" and chug the remainder of her coffee, then tip me 2 dollars (let me note, the coffee she ordered was only 1.75.) and rush out, practically running down the sidewalk. I kid you not, this went on the entire time I worked there. Even after I left, I stopped back in a few months later and was talking to the new barista guy, who informed me that she was still at it, as of about 2 years ago. I'll have to remember to visit there next time I'm back in that town and check up on her. Lol

Ok, not the raciest story, but I figured it would be a good note to start on.

Ha, not a bad start :-) She seems like a very nice lady, I've had a few people I've talked to whom were like that. I am also guessing she has mild alsheimers (however you spell that...).

So here's my first story. For several years I was a special events supervisor and parks ranger for the city parks department where I live. One of the parks I supervised is one of the largest city parks in the nation and has lots of trails, a 5-mile forested road, picnic areas, a zoo, beach and many other attractions. I was on my regular patrol and it was a very busy Saturday afternoon. I drove down in my work truck and stopped at the beach to observe a group that rented the picnic shelter.

After checking on them, I patrolled the beach, picking up any litter (my arch-enemy) that I find on the beach or stuck under the piles of driftwood. Then out of nowhere this woman comes up to me and starts pointing out toward the water and yelling "Biki Calor!! Biki Calor!!" (Pronounced: Beaky Call-or) And she's jumping up and down and flailing her outstretched arm. I tell her to please calm down and to slow down what she is saying. It sounded like it was Spanish but I have no idea what the heck "biki" is and I have no idea why she'd be yelling about the color of something to me.
I ask her if there is something wrong or if there is an emergency and she grabs my arm tightly and begins jumping up and down again yelling the same damn thing: "BIKI CALOR!! BIKI CALOR!!!"

At this moment I am a bit afraid of this woman. She was rather large and screaming at me in some foreign language. I try following her outstretched finger to see what she is pointing to.... nothing. I have experience with marine mammal research in my area so I know how to track if one is around and there certainly was nothing in the water.

This lady really starts to get more agitated she starts saying it in strong syllables: "BI-KI CA-LOR!!!" And waving her finger out at nothingness yet again. I had to find a way out... something to get away from this crazy lady. But she already had enough. She let go of my arm, gave a loud puff and walked up to the next person and did the exact same thing to them!

Damn people are strange...

Wow... that is quite odd. Did you ever find out what it meant? Or even if anything had been wrong for her to have potentially been so adamantly insisting you attend to?

Hello, you two. I've enjoyed reading your stories. ;)

Why thank you very much! Feel free to provide any insane experiences you have had as well :) We always enjoy good stories!

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Okay so this next story I have to share now since it happened today. So as I explained earlier, I am a canvasser for an environmental organization in my area which is working to clean up the waterways within my region. My job is to educate the general public about the serious issues we are facing and fund raise our restoration sites.

So today I was in front of a local organic grocer which we have done a lot of work with in the past. I see this lady coming up to me and I do my friendly "hello there! We're cleaning up and restoring our waterways!" And what do I get in return? : "F*** you". Yes, believe it or not, I get this at least every week from someone. But this is what really got me:

A few minutes later I hear behind me: "Carcharodon carcharias!" I look around and I see a scraggly homeless person pointing at the back of my Great White Shark National Geographic T-shirt that I am wearing. Knowing that he is saying the sharks genus name, I acknowledge and ask him if he likes Great Whites. He ends up telling me that he fought in Vietnam with the US Marines and saw those sharks all the time. He asked me what my organization is all about and I told him that we have many restoration sites working to naturally clean out our waterways. He told me that he did a lot of that when he was with the service but had to be discharged after being shot and disabled. He is now suffering from PTSD and still has the bullet lodged near his spine- the government hasn't provided assistance for him as of yet. He then tells me something that nearly made me tear up: "If I could, I would give you a donation but I am just living on what I can. Is there any other way I can help?" And when I told him he can volunteer at one of our restoration sites, his face lit up and he gave a bright smile and asked when the next opportunity is.

I must say, this really made my day. I don't take the "F- you" personally. There's just some privileged, spoiled and inconsiderate people out there. I just don't understand why it has to be people on the streets which are usually those that aren't. It's quite sad how much this job has opened up my eyes that society really is pretty screwed up!

That's awesome! Glad to see it made your day, and from the sounds of it, it really helped his too!

I've never had a homeless person be nice to me without severely freaking me out cause they were a lil crazy. One guy approached me screaming that he was god, and Jesus wasn't real. He called me the harlot Jezebel because my hair was the color of sin (yes I'm a real life red head) and then proceeded to go on a huge rant (in the middle of a busy street in the downtown area of a major city) about how all these various ethnic groups were of the devil and not his. At this point I turned and ran, I was not about to get my arse killed because some crazy old dude was spouting his antisemitic ramblings at me.

Bus drunks were always the most amusing in my city though. One time, on a particularly long bus trip in from a friends house a good ways out, I was half falling asleep and leaning on a window and this very disheveled looking man reeking of alcohol took the seat behind me. At this point he leans forward, and I could tell he was looking at me, though I tried to make it seem like I was sleeping (figured it was better to avoid the conversation at this point) He then stands up and reaches past my seat to tap the shoulder of the older guy in front of me, and starts to ask him the same question over and over, very demandingly.

"Do you know who you are?" he yells at the guy. "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!?!" after a long while the man gets up and moves further up front, so the drunk started hitting me on the arm and yelling the same question at me. I was about to get up and move myself when some very formidable looking women, who was very very tall and sporting a HUGE handbag, gets up and starts beating the old drunk with her very large handbag, and yelling at him to leave the other people alone. (I thought this only happened in movies!) And believe it or not, the driver never even turned around to see what was up (whats that tell you about mass transit?)

Just wanted to check in. Seems like we've been a little lonely in here! Hope all is well with you my dear friend Lord Frappucino! It's been quite the hectic week for me at my current work. On the bright side of life, my small town got a Duncan Donuts. Now this is no where near the quality of coffee as bucks, but at least it's better than the extreme nothingness we did have.

On the much sadder side of life, I just learned that a very dear old friend of mine that I work with at the Bro's place I mentioned in my introduction, passed away of liver cancer. She was such a wonderful lady. The kind of person, that even though I barely knew her at the time, gave me twenty bucks to put gas in my car because she over heard me talking to a friend and telling them about how I was going to have to skip classes till pay day because I couldn't afford the gas to get into the city to get to school. She was older than most of my regular group (possibly 50's or 60's where as we were all college students) but on nights that she had off, she would come to our place (I lived in a party house, effectively, with 6 other people my own age at this time) and sit and drink with us, or just talk and chill. She even came to one of our parties and hung out, then played mom and took care of us (gave one guy who cornered my drunk friend Samantha a beat down and chased him out even! We nick named her Momma Bear after that, and all counted ourselves lucky to be one of her cubs.)

Out of respect I won't put her name in here, but I just want to say, Momma Bear, you were an amazing lady, and I wish you could have lived forever. You will live always in my mind and heart, and I will miss you always. We love you Momma Bear, from all your little adopted cubs.

I'm sorry for your loss, BlackSwan. Momma Bear sounds like she was a great lady.

She really was. I feel even worse for another dear friend of mine that worked at Bro's with me and adored her as much as I did, because he had the added misfortune of loosing his grandmother last night. He called me at about 3 this morning looking for someone to comfort him. I only wish I didn't live 3 hours away from there now. It's so hard to try to help and comfort someone when you're only a voice on a phone. My heart goes out to both families, and to my dear friend caught in between. I hope healing comes swiftly, and the memories burn bright and glorious in their minds.

*Whimpers and looks around. Dusts away the cob webs from the vaccant counter* Hello??? Lord Frap? You ever coming back?

*goes to check and make sure the open sign is turned on and the door is unlocked* Maybe I should get a sheet and make a giant sign like in Kevin Smith's movie Clearks that lets the people know we are definitely open?

*rolls out from underneath the coffee table*

*Enters the shop and slumps down on a bar stool* Black, I sure hope you know how to make the ancient coffee beverage known as Klah, because I definitely need one. My current job is not working out so I haven't really been in the mood to post about job stories... But I am back for now and will post past ones that have been interesting.

*Jumps as Belly Button rolls out* Whoah! I didn't even know you were ther! You must be a ninja! Coffee?

*Pulls out some dark coca, nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla syrup and mixes them into milk, then starts to slowly steam it to perfection while waiting for the espresso shot to pull* L.F. I know this isn't the way it used to be made but being as I don't have any tree bark laying about, this is what I've been told is a pretty darn good substitute. (A guy from the middle east taught me to make this when I worked at the local trendy coffee shop)

Swan, that is close to perfect! Thanks :-D

So here's another story... this story is about this little brat kid and his/her (had no idea what this kid was) idiotic mother.
For a while I was involved with the childrens arts program with my city parks and recreation before it was cut due to supposed funding issues. During special city events and fairs, I would set up a booth with my co-workers and do art projects for the children. Every time this mother and her little brat which looked like a girl but had short, messed up hair would come. This kid was a freakin brat. It would never share with the other kids and would eat the markers! And the kid was at least 4. The mother would always complain to us that we are not supervising her kid when we have a big freakin sign that says we are not babysitters!
What annoyed me more than anything was the name of this child... Tuppins... Don't get me wrong, yes: TUPPINS. What the hell kind of name is that!? Took us a while to actually figure out that was the kid's name. And the mother would always go off to the beer garden and come back and say "Oh my sweet little Tuppins, what have we been doing today?" I swear... complete idiots. Made me want to call CPS on this mother for 1.) Being an idiot parent and 2.) Naming a child that will endanger its life in middle school.

Wow, that's horrible! I would have pointed the sign out to her and told her that neither she or her child were welcome back. People like that make me so mad. A child is an amazing gift to have in your life, don't ignore them and treat them in a way that will make them grow up as dumb as that stupid name... wow....

Glad you enjoyed the beverage!

*whistles an awkward tune then saunters around dusting off the cobwebs* Hmm... been kinda slow in here these days. Maybe I'd better go check and make sure the open sign is actually turned on? *Goes to check* Yep... signs on. Doors unlocked. Guess this really is no economy for a coffee shop. Maybe I should have made this an open freestyle rp thread instead.... but then again, drinking coffee probably isn't the best basis for an rp.

*rushes in and sits on the stool* I'm still here! Wait... am I the only customer here? *pulls a cobweb from under the stool* So I am guessing business here sucks too, huh? Sorry I haven't been in for a while... need to support my local economy! *hands Swan a fancy tip*

*Jumps up and down.* Yay customer!!!!!!!!! Welcome back! I'm just stepping out for dinner but I'll be back later tonight! Missed ya buddy! Man the shop while I'm gone, don't worry, probably won't be anyone here

*Stands behind the counter and begins cleaning already clean cups* where the hell are our customers? *cleans the counter again* I didn't think the economy was THIS bad!

*walks in and slumps down on a stool at the counter* I wouldn't mind your best mocha frappucino, sir, if you don't mind listening to my own woes at work? I work fast food.

*the lord smiles at the newcomer, grabbing an iced glass and mixing the ingredients in a blender and quickly pouring them into it.* Free of charge! And you can tell us all your woes, that's what we are here for! *he sits and waits patiently for her to start.*

*takes a long sip from the frap and then sighs, content* Well, other than idiot customers, I have idiot coworkers, as well. Just the other day, I was told to move from working the grill to doing prep. I don't mind switching, but I wasn't told that seventy-five percent of the time I was supposed to be doing prep would be spent covering the grill for the coworker who'd rather go to other establishments and fraternize and covering the register for the girl who'd rather spend all of her time taking five minute (actually fifteen) breaks to smoke and check her phone.

So, essentially, I was doing three jobs. All day. I was supposed to be out at eleven, and I didn't even get half of my clean-up done and the manager had to do the rest, which made me feel bad. *sighs* Sometimes, I wish I didn't work there. But then I get paid and it motivates me for the rest of the week.

Yes, I know how that goes. Lazy people piss me off. I've mostly had equal or supervisory positions so I never really had to deal with laziness too much. I had this one guy, however, that was supposed to clean the wedding facilities I worked at. There were times that I would come in and find the place filthy from the wedding before still. And I'd call him to get his ass over and clean the place. Every time I'd call he would be all groggy and said that he was at a party. The third time I told him not to even bother coming and fired his ass on the spot. I then told my supervisor what I did and they fired him from other jobs at other facilities as well because they were glad someone finally stood up to his nonsense >.< Thanks for ranting with us :-D