~well then let’s go and tackle that nasty beast of the packet.~ smiling sadly he walked towards the door.

~I will help you as far as your willing to take it. If at any time your feeling like you don’t want to do what I ask then just tell me, or if I start doing something that makes you uncomfortable just tell me to stop.~ gently he laid tzal down onto the bed and then lay down beside him. ~now school is in session.~ slowly his hands reached down along tzal’s thighs as he kissed tzal.

Lawrence frowned. He seemed to sense that something was off about him. Quickly, he followed him out the door. ~...? Something's wrong...what is it?~

Tzal kissed him back earnestly, watching his hands curiously. ~I doubt I will get too uncomfortable, but I will tell you if something starts to bother me.~ He was eager to learn.

~nothing is wrong.~ Lawrence could tell the moment he heard that it was a lie. Josh kept up the quick walk; he did not want to talk about it. Lawrence would hate him, not want to be near him. he could not let that happen even if it meant that he had to suffer then he would, he did not want to lose Lawrence like he had his other roommate. He did not want to suffer what he had from the dean of the last school.
***
“So you thought that you could do whatever you wanted to that poor boy?” the deans voice was cold sneering. “Thought that because you were his elder that you could do what you wanted? Well I am here to tell you BOY that you were wrong.” The Deans cane cracked down its thin body snapped a crossed josh’s back. Josh’s hands were held by the assistant dean as he was stretched a crossed the deans desk. “You think your family’s money is going to get you free, WRONG!” again it snapped down, this time the thin fabric of the shirt snagging and ripping. “You thought that taking him and….” Again it hit as the dean could not think of the word he dare to use. “He will never get better.” Snap. “He will need counseling.” Snap, the pain was worse this time but josh bit his lip form screaming out. “There will be bills to pay.” A wet sound followed the snap as the dean pulled back. Josh gasped. “And it won’t be yours or his mummy that pays oh no it won’t.” There was a maniac look to the dean’s eyes as again the cane fell. This repeated for some time till josh could taste the blood in his mouth, he had broken skin.
“Sir?” it was the assistant dean that finely stopped it with that word. And with that word josh had found the bliss of the darkness again.

~tzal dear tzal if you’re worried about making mistakes it does not matter.~ reaching up he buried his fingers in tzal’s hair. ~with each person it’s different and never can you be perfect the first time. Sometimes you do things that don’t work with one but work with someone else.~ when he had been kissing tzal William had realized what had been bugging him. Now again he pulled tzal close and buried his mouth in his. Their lips locked his tongue probing.

Lawrence, who had been curiously probing through his mind, found the flashback as soon as it started. He reached out and grabbed Josh's arm, firmly. His mind was reeling, slightly, so it was very easy for Josh to tell that he'd seen the flashback in his mind. He didn't say anything--he didn't know what to say. He just looked...concerned for Josh's well-being. He didn't want him to be so upset.

Tzal's shoulders relaxed a bit--they had been up near his chin. He'd been trying to formulate the perfect way to do this in his mind...and he hadn't known what 'perfect' was for this. He wrapped his arms around William's neck, kissing him back with a generous amount of fervor. Once again, his hands, quite cold as always, reached down to work at unfastening William's belt.

Seeing Lawrence’s look josh looked away. There it was and next would come the pity till he realized why that memory had come. Shaking off Lawrence’s arm he took off, not caring where he was going or what he did. he just had to get away, to not be reminded. Today had started off so well, and now? Now he felt that he had just gone under the deans cane again. He felt that all the boys who had taking their hatred out on him where right. He was selfish, he was stupid, he was a child that never should have been born. His feet padding on the ground echoed hollowly back at him. he could hear the laughter of the boys in his running. Pushing passed students, doors and anything else that got in his way he tried to blink the tears away.
“he hates me! HE hates ME! HE HATES ME!” his fist connected to brick wall as he lashed out. He could feel his knuckles protesting as he landed another punch. Over and over he let his fist fly, over and over he said what he felt was true. The trees and bushes all around hiding and muffling his voice form the other students. He was in the far soccer field at that back wall of the grounds. The bushes had grown up along the wall so now you could not even see it when you were on the field. The shade was cool and growing cold as the sun slowly set. Slumping down he buried his face in his arms crying.

Purring into tzal’s mouth he helped him with the pants. Slowly his fingers exsplored tzal’s skin as he undid tzal’s pants inch by slow inch he pulled them off. Each time stopping to enjoy touching the new skin.

Lawrence recoiled, surprised at his reaction. For a moment, he just stood there, watching him storm away. Then, as he was about to turn a corner, he took off after him. "Wait!" He managed to keep him in sight until he saw him run outside, and Lawrence couldn't run anymore. He stopped near the door, leaning against the wall and wheezing slightly, regaining his breath.

Once he finally did, he exhaled and looked around, worried. He couldn't see him anywhere. Lawrence grumbled at himself for having such weak lungs and walked off, searching around the whole of the school. "Josh? Where did you go? What's wrong?"

Tzal, curious by his behavior, removed William's pants the exact same way, stopping to brush his hands over his sides and most new skin that was revealed. He kept up their kiss contently.

Some of the other students who had seen josh run off pointed in the direction that he had been seen running when they saw Lawrence. It was only logical that he would be looking for his roommate who just ran by. It only fit with what they had seen, those two were growing close, as close as they could without becoming lovers. Now the rumors were going to wonder if they were lovers.

Taking a deep intake of breath in pleasure as tzal touched his lower inner thigh he pulled tzal tightly against him. ~gerrrrrr, that’s one of my spots, the other as you know is my neck.~ leaning his head back he wanted tzal now, but know that if they waited it would be so much better.

Lawrence, appreciating the other students' assistance, headed off in the correct direction. He stopped running near the soccer field, once again wheezing for breath, and just walked. "...Josh?" He looked around for him, curiously.

Tzal grinned, finally sliding William's pants past his ankles and tossing them aside. He buried his face in his neck, content. ~I see. I'll have to make a note of that...~ He tilted his head, curious as to what they should do now. He thought once more. ~...Hm...~

“you know its bad to lose ones lover.” The voice belonged to one of the older boys, he was in the advanced school that stayed on till they were about 22. Some said it was pre collage some said it was short collage. But whatever it was those students usually stayed away from the underclass men. Pointing off towards the bushes he smiled a sly smile. “if you still wanting the cry baby he is over there but if you want a better man.” He stepped up to Lawrence.

Tilting his head William sighed. ~yes yes you do. Unless you don’t want to do this ever again with me.~ the last was said slightly jokingly. His nails digging into tzal’s lower back and drawing up.

“that one took the dodge balls today?” it looks like the tale of josh saving lawrance from the dodge balls had gotten out. The man staired in disbelief as he watched Lawrence run off.
The tears just would not stop, josh tried not to sniff to loudly as he rubbed his eyes. Why did it always turn out this way? Why did he have to feel for males not girls? Why did he have to be so unnatural.

Flinching away josh sobbed. How could he tell him? how could he care? Josh was alone in this feeling and nothing was going to change it. Lawrence did not know, he never would know. Josh felt like his heart was braking inside. He was never going to be loved by any one.

~you wont care! You’ll hate me! You wont understand! I am stupid, selfish, unloving, deceitful, self severing, unnatural, disgusting, low some, revolting, lying, abhor able.~ he broke down into crying again. His mind a jumble of images, thoughts, feelings. A memory popped to the surface.
***
“you love me?” the words were whispered from acrossed the room him was in.
“yah I love you, more then I should.” Josh was worried yet energy seemed to travel along his limbs.
“I love you too.” Movement in the dark then a face and kisses, kisses that deepened into other things.
***
“and this boy did what to you?” the deans voice was clearly disgusted as Josh and the other boy stood in front of his desk. The other boy standing as far from josh as he could.
“he… you know….rap…” the dean cut the boy off with a wave of his hand.
“I understand you can go.” The boy hurried from the room never once looking back at josh.
NEVER AGAIN was the thought that surfaced with this memory.

~how?~ his thought were becoming more broken as he tried to keep the secret to himself. He did not want Lawrence to know, he did not want to see/feel the rejection from Lawrence.

~ I cannot,~ gasping he tried to stop his crying but now he was having a hard time to breath. This was not good he could not stop crying and it was getting harder to breath. ~cant breath.~ he sounded scared and panicked.

Trying to listen to him josh’s mind kept freaking out that it was going to die, he was going to die. He could not breath, he needed to breath. Josh’s hands started to shake with fear. ~I’am…… trying……. Cant~ even though he did not need to breath to speak by the mind he spoke like he did.

~not…. Thinking.~ and in a way that was true, he was not trying to think he was just living in the moment. The panic gripped him hard, his chest felt tightly bound. Closing his eyes he tried not to think about how he could not breath and how it hurt. Gasping he tried to take in enough air that he could breath.

Trying to fallow what Lawrence said he took a breath in and then breathed out. On the second breath in his body reacted against it. He gasped, his body screaming out for air but not getting it because it was freaking out. Again he tried this time it was a bit better before his body reacted against him.