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The Witch and the Strange One
I am posting one of my short stories, I would love some feedback, and any ways to improve the story.
The Witch and the Strange One "Look!" Shouted a strange brown haired girl, her light blue eyes glittering with mischief. "An undead monkey!" The normal people around her laughed like hollow conforming shells, at least until the undead monkey began it's attack. As the mindless fell, blood seeping from empty eye sockets, it became apparent the young woman was not alone. A strange man was hiding from normality, hiding in plain sight. The young woman ignored this person and took to sitting on a cold stone bench as screams still radiated around her from the small creatures rampage. Her eyes focused on a pentacle she held in her hands, fingers tracing over the old silver as a shadow stood before her. "I think you dropped something." A strange voice said. The young woman looked up, only to come face to face with the undead monkey. The voice belonged to the strange person who was now holding the small monkey by it's bony tail. She fell back onto the cold pavement, shocked that he caught the undead creature, let alone knew that it was her's. "How did you wind up catching Fluffy?" She asked, her voice curious and containing a child-like innocence. She slowly rose to her feet watching the strange stranger closely. "Fluffy here was too busy removing the mayor's eyes out, so I grabbed him... Or her... Whatever it is.." The strange one said. "An undead monkey." The young woman said, an innocent giggle mingling with her voice. "I conjured Fluffy up this morning." "That's all well and good, but what of the bodies?" The strange one questioned, watching carefully as the undead monkey jumped onto the girl's shoulder. "Let society sort them out." She remarked nonchalantly, though soon a small dark grin spread onto her lips. "Or, Davey Jones always needs a crew." She laughed, but this time was joined by the strange one. "To the sea then." The strange one said, smiling. "Me likes your thinking." The witch said, laughing as Fluffy jumped onto the tall man's shoulder. "And so does Fluffy." She scanned over the many bodies, standing near the strange stranger, a smile playing at her lips. ~Fin~ |
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I really don’t understand that people aren’t scared if they can see the monkey. Or can they not? I mean, the thing has a bone tail. I can tell this is meant to a fable like story, but that still doesn’t make such sense to me. Quote:
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‘creatures’ needs an apostrophe: “creature’s” Quote:
‘it’s’ doesn’t need the apostrophe. Quote:
I’d end the sentence at ‘creature’ and start a new one at ‘let’. I also don’t really think it’s that surprising that the strange man knew, considering she was not only the first person to notice it, but is the only person it isn’t killing. Quote:
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I’d also use ‘The strange man’ or else call the woman something else earlier in the story. Since they are both referred to as ‘strange’, it could, technically, be referring to either one of them. Quote:
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Maybe ‘lingering’ instead of ‘playing’, since she is already smiling? --- I think the biggest problem was just word choice. I quite liked the idea of the story, though I think certain parts need more explanation. I know it’s meant to be a very short-story - possibly micro-fiction? – but there are just some thinks that leave the reader wondering why. Address those few questions and I think this’ll be great! I wish you the best of luck! |
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