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deadlyxkat 06-10-2010 04:09 PM

Cracks (critiques wanted)
 
Caitlin stood in the hallway, watching her two friends chat and laugh as they moved towards her. She’d heard from an outside source that they had both been spreading little things about her; a big part of Caitlin didn’t want to believe that they would do that to her. After all, friends don’t talk behind your back, right?

Three years ago, Caitlin, Amber, and Linda ended up in an art class together and a small discussion of current books had broken the ice between them. Small talks in class had lead to longer talks on days when they came in to finish projects outside of class or when they ate lunch together; by the end of that semester the three had seemed fairly inseparable. For the three years, the friendship was solid; movies, video games, or nights out in the few places in the little town.

Lately, things were changing between the three of them: there were those small cracks in the friendship forming though, big enough to let light through if you looked close enough. Caitlin didn’t want to look that closely; didn’t want to watch the friendship crumble before her eyes. She pretended not to notice when she went days between sightings of Amber, who lived two doors away. She tried not to read too much into it when every offer to hang out, either for food or something recreational, was turned down; nor how both girls never seemed to offer her to join in on anything they did together.

On the way to Amber’s room, the two girls waved to Caitlin. She turned a little to watch them continue to Amber’s room without so much of a second glance back. It left her standing in the hall with an arm load of dishes as she attempted to not see those ever growing cracks. With a sigh, she turned and continued her way to the floor kitchenette.

The pasta sauce from her dinner seemed determined to stay on the sides of the pan as she scrubbed it. It probably should have been soaked before she started scrubbing, but it was just as well because it gave her a distraction as she tried to ignore those cracks between her, Amber and Linda.

“Cait!”

Caitlin nearly dropped the sponge when she jumped from hearing her name said so loudly behind her. She turned slightly to blink at Linda, who was sticking her head in the doorway of the room without coming in, with a slightly dazed, “What?”

“I’ve called you like four times. You really are in your own world, aren’t you?” Linda laughed, not really making it a question as she smiled at Caitlin.

Caitlin shrugged and offered a small smile, “Well you’ve got my attention now. What’s up?”

“Amber was wondering if she could borrow the book you were reading last week.” Linda moved from just standing in the doorway to actually being a few steps into the room.

Caitlin turned back to washing her dishes, finishing the pan with a few more vigorous scrubs and rinsing it off. She really wasn’t sure exactly why Amber couldn’t have just asked her for the book herself. “Yea, sure.”

Linda came closer with a frown, “You angry or something?”

Caitlin could feel her face shift to neutral before she looked back over her shoulder at Linda. She was quiet for a long moment, trying to decide how to answer that question; honesty or a lie. She already knew that if she gave a lie nothing would change because nothing would be dragged out and they wouldn’t know how she was feeling. Honesty, she wasn’t sure how that would be taken. She was torn because she wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t just tear those cracks wide open instead of patching them up. “Not sure,” was out of her mouth and between them before she could stop herself. It was almost true. She wasn’t sure if she was more angry or hurt.

Linda moved to lean against the wall next to Caitlin, head tilted with curiosity. “Well, what’s up that you’re not sure?”

Caitlin turned back to her dishes as her hair fell like a curtain between them. It was an unconscious habit she had when she was feeling unsure or vulnerable, to use her hair to hide behind, and she was really feeling uncertain at the moment. “It’s nothing. I’m just tired.” A lie. She’d never felt so wired in her life than right now, washing the bowl from her dinner hiding the slight shake in her hands.

Linda crossed her arms over her chest. “It can’t be nothing. You wouldn’t be upset of it were nothing.”

She cursed softly in her head, hating how people could read her so well; she never really seemed to be able to hide much of her emotions. She just shook her head as she continued to wash dishes and Linda continued to lean against the wall next to her. She already knew that she’d be the one to crack first. The bowl was rinsed and she settled on finishing the silverware before she murmured softly, “I know you and Amber have been talking about me behind my back.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Linda stiffen slightly at the words and didn’t say anything after that for moment.

A moment was all it took before Linda visibly relaxed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Amber and I are your friends; we wouldn’t do that to you.”

The fork in Caitlin’s hand got a rather forceful scrub before she rinsed it off and tried to force back her tears. She didn’t want to cry in front of Linda; but it was a close call. She couldn’t really believe that Linda would lie to her face like that. Was it the next natural step to take after talking behind a friend’s back, she wondered, in the hopes that they could get away with it? Caitlin knew that the problem with lying about friends was that it usually got back to the person. “I’ve heard from several of our friends that you two have been saying things about me.” She took a breath as she picked up all her dishes; green eyes met hazel , all too full of the betrayal that Caitlin felt while searching to see if there was any sign of guilt or regret on Linda’s features. “The least you could have done was not lie to me when I called you on it.” Without waiting for a response, she turned on her heel and walked out of the room and down the hall to her room.

Her door was kicked shut behind her and the dishes were dropped haphazardly on the bed that Caitlin used as a couch as a few tears made a trail down her cheek. She blinked a little, still trying to fight them back. Those cracks seemed bigger than they once were and she couldn’t seem to un-see them as she collapsed onto her bed; she hadn’t wanted to believe when she’d been told that Amber and Linda were talking behind her back. They’d been so close for the last couple years that it seemed surreal that it could happen. Everything in front of her now was saying it could though and she hated it.

A knock on her door pulled her head up and off her pillow with a small glare at the offending wood. She already knew who it was, could hear the murmurs between the two while they waited on the other side of the door. She rolled off the bed and landed on her feet, one hand wiping her cheeks before she opened the door, “Yes?”

Amber and Linda were standing there, making no effort to enter the room and Caitlin was making no effort to move and invite them in. “Linda said you claimed we were talking about you when we weren’t.”

Caitlin leaned against the doorframe as her eyes flickered to first Linda and then Amber. “So you’re saying you didn’t? That people are just trying to cause trouble between us?”

Amber shook her head, hand settled on her hip as she confronted Caitlin. “Of course we didn’t say anything. Who has been telling you these things?”

“So you didn’t make fun of my hair after you helped me pick out the color and dye it?” Caitlin asked with a raised brow. Amber was neutral, not really reacting to the question. Linda shifted slightly from one foot to the other, looking uncomfortable under Caitlin’s gaze. “You didn’t tell Sarah that I wasn’t going to graduate? Because apparently you know my grades and how many credits I have or don’t have?”

Amber had the decency to look a little guilty at that last one. “I didn’t mean…”

Caitlin shook her head and interrupted Amber, “You didn’t mean for me to find out. Telling Sarah that she didn’t hear that comment doesn’t erase that you said it, you get that right? And if you say it without even reaching for the comment, it means you actually believe it. That you didn’t have to think of something mean to say because it was already there in your head.” She blinked, anger keeping the tears at bay, but only just.

“Cait, really, it’s not that big of a deal.” Amber said with a slightly tired tone. “Everyone talks about people to others. It’s human nature.”

“No, Amber, friends don’t say mean things about friends. I should be able to trust that anything you might happen to say about me when I’m not in the room isn’t going to be comparable to throwing me under the bus.” Caitlin blinked again, feeling a tear trickle down her cheek. “Anything you say to others about me, you should be able to say to my face. You shouldn’t have to lie about saying them in the first place.”

Amber crossed her arms over her chest with a slight scowl. “You don’t have to be such a baby about it. Move on.”

Caitlin stood, staring at Amber. Her gaze flickered briefly to Linda, the silent pillar next to Amber who looked uncomfortable and unsure of what exactly was happening between the two. “Move on…” She murmurs softly, chest tight at the pain that uncaring phrase gave her. “Fine.” Taking a breath, Caitlin shifted off the doorframe and one hand settled on the door. “Considering me moved on then.” Without waiting for a response, Caitlin took a step back and slammed the door on the two girls.

She shifted to slump against the door, fingers flicking the lock into place on the way down to the floor. A pound on the door shook her as the tears finally fell. In answer to her shouted name she just leaned her head against the door and yelled, “Go away! I’m done with people I can’t trust.” Her voice barely wavered, which made her a little proud even if the tears were falling down her cheeks faster. She had hoped that there’d be a way to fix the friendship, but the cracks had been too big. She let her head fall forward onto her knees as she listened to the two girls pound on the door and call out her name again. She refused to get up and open it though. She couldn’t deal with it anymore -- the lies and brush offs. It hurt too much, gave her too much doubt.

Poison Prevision 06-16-2010 04:56 AM

Really good, actually! I don't see many needs for critiquing, unless this is meant to be a long story. IF it is meant to be, then here's my advice...
We both have the same problem. The plot line moves a little too fast, and the conflict and climax of the story passes in the beginning/middle of the story. To fix it, I'd start the story where the girls were chatting, or at a sleepover, or some other girly thing. ;D However, there is another way. Slowly repair the friendship, that way, all of that was a rising action. (I would have the split up, friends again and then Caitlin walks in on them gossiping at the end.)

IF THIS IS A SHORT STORY, It's really good!!

contrapunctus 06-20-2010 03:04 PM

I agree with the previous poster that it moves a tad too fast. You could extend it A few detailed things:

- "Lately, things were changing between the three of them: there were those small cracks in the friendship forming though, big enough to let light through if you looked close enough." (You've already introduced an invisible "though" by using "Lately" and the colon.)

- “Consider me moved on then.”

- Some of your dialogue tags are out of place. Make sure that the dialogue and the tag make a complete sentence, i.e.: "Naturally," she said, walking away. VERSUS: "Naturally." She walked away. OR She walked away. "Naturally." She smiled.

Hope this helps!

Nolori 06-20-2010 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She’d heard from an outside source that they had both been spreading little things about her;

‘An outside source’ seems awfully vague. Since we’re seeing this through Caitlyn’s third-person limited POV, it seems like we should know where she heard it from. After all, Caitlyn does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
…a big part of Caitlin…

I’d end the previous sentence at ‘her’ and start the new one in ‘Caitlyn’. ‘a big part’ seems a little useless here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
After all, friends don’t talk behind your back, right?

I wouldn’t use ‘you’, because this isn’t second-person POV. Sometimes you can get away with it, but since you only use ‘you’ once, I’d change it to ‘each other’s’ or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… when they ate lunch together;

I’d end the sentence here and start a new sentence at ‘by’, instead of using the semi-colon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… by the end of that semester the three had seemed fairly inseparable.

I’d changed ‘been’ to ‘seemed’, since Caitlyn believed they were inseparable instead of ‘seeming’ inseparable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
For the three years, the friendship was solid; movies, video games, or nights out in the few places in the little town.

I’d cut out the ‘the’ before ‘three years’ and the comma. I’d also changed to ‘or’ to ‘and’, so it tells us that they used to do lot of things together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Lately, things were changing between the three of them:

I’d change the colon to a period.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… there were those small cracks in the friendship forming though, big enough to let light through if you looked close enough.

I’d begin this sentence at ‘there’, cut out ‘those’ sine you haven’t mentioned the cracks before, and end it at ‘forming. ‘big enough’ would be a fine place to start a new sentence. I also think you should cut out the last ‘enough’, since you just used the word.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Caitlin didn’t want to look that closely; didn’t want to watch the friendship crumble before her eyes.

I think you can do away with ‘; didn’t want to’ and just replace it for ‘and’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She pretended not to notice when she went days between sightings of Amber…

I wouldn’t use ‘sightings’, if only because it sounds a little… stalker-like to me. Maybe just ‘seeing Amber’?

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She tried not to read too much into it when every offer to hang out, either for food or something recreational, was turned down; nor how both girls never seemed to offer her to join in on anything they did together.

I think you can cut out ‘either for food or something recreational’, as we can infer that. I’d also change the semi-colon to a comma. I think you can change ‘both’ to ‘the’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
It left her standing in the hall with an arm load of dishes as she attempted to not see those ever growing cracks.

I’d change ‘It’ to ‘they’ and ‘not see’ to ‘ignore’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… as she tried to ignore those cracks between her, Amber and Linda.

This seems a little redundant, since you just mentioned her ignoring the cracks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
You really are in your own world, aren’t you?

I’d change “You really are” to “You’re really” because I think it sounds more natural. Now, this could also be a character point with Linda, but she doesn’t talk enough in the piece for it to be obvious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Caitlin could feel her face shift to neutral…

Is it forced? Does it happen automatically? Is she surprised by it? I think this needs some more elaboration.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… trying to decide how to answer that question; honesty or a lie.

I’d change the semi-colon to a colon or comma. I’d also change ‘honesty or a lie’ to ‘honestly or with a lie’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Honesty, she wasn’t sure how that would be taken.

I’d flip some of the words around here “She wasn’t sure how honesty would be taken’ just for simplicity’s sake.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She was torn because she wasn’t sure…

Because you use ‘tear those cracks’, I’d change ‘torn’ to another word.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
It was an unconscious habit she had when she was feeling unsure or vulnerable, to use her hair to hide behind, and she was really feeling uncertain at the moment.

This just seems like a really long sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She’d never felt so wired in her life than right now…

Are you sure you want to use the word ‘wired’? To me it sounds like she’s excited about this, when I don’t think that’s what you were going for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She cursed softly in her head, hating how people could read her so well…

It’s an interesting insight into her personality, but it doesn’t seem applicaple to the current line. Wouldn’t anyone ask that after being told that the person isn’t sure about being upset?

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she never really seemed to be able to hide much of her emotions.

I’d cut out ‘much of’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She just shook her head as she continued to wash dishes and Linda continued to lean against the wall next to her.

This line seems a bit useless if nothing happens. If you want to talk about the stillness of the moment, I’d talk about the running water or something instead of simply talking about how everything continued.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… and didn’t say anything after that for moment.

I’d cut this out. We won’t assume she said something unless you tell us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Amber and I are your friends; we wouldn’t do that to you.”

I’d cut out the semi-colon and replace it with a period.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she rinsed it off and tried to force back her tears.

I’d change ‘force’ to ‘hold’, unless she’s already crying, but I wasn’t sure if she was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She took a breath as she picked up all her dishes; green eyes met hazel,

I’d end the sentence at ‘dishes’.
I like the line of ‘green eyes met hazel’, but we don’t know whose eyes are green and whose are hazel. I’d put in something earlier in the story about that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… all too full of the betrayal that Caitlin felt while searching to see if there was any sign of guilt or regret on Linda’s features.

I understand what you’re trying to say, but the sentence itself seems confusing. I’d rephrase it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she turned on her heel and walked out of the room and down the hall to her room.

Since they’re both girls, I’d use Linda’s name instead of a pronoun.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Her door was kicked shut behind her and the dishes were dropped haphazardly on the bed that Caitlin used as a couch as a few tears made a trail down her cheek.

Again, both being female, I feel we need some proper nouns. Caitlyn’s door was kicked shut by Linda or Caitlyn?
I think you could also cut out ‘that Caitlyn used as a couch’ since it doesn’t seem particularly important to the plot. (Unless this is a longer story and it’s important later.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she couldn’t seem to un-see them as she collapsed onto her bed; she hadn’t wanted to believe when she’d been told that Amber and Linda were talking behind her back.

I’d change the semi-colon to a period.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
They’d been so close for the last couple years that it seemed surreal that it could happen.

I’d change ‘it’ to ‘this’, but it’s not really wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Everything in front of her now was saying it could though and she hated it.

I’d cut this out, it feels redundant to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
A knock on her door pulled her head up and off her pillow with a small glare at the offending wood.

I just wanted to mention I really liked this line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She already knew who it was, could hear the murmurs between the two while they waited on the other side of the door.

I’d change the comma to a period and add ‘She’ before ‘could’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Who has been telling you these things?

Again, I don’t know the characters well, but ‘who’s’ feels more natural than ‘Who has’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
And if you say it without even reaching for the comment…

Do you mean saying something without having to think about it? This sentence didn’t make much sense to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She murmurs softly…

‘murmured’ instead of ‘murmurs’. Just a little tense issue.

---

I hoped I helped, though I admit stories like this aren’t really my area of ‘expertise’ so to speak. The main things I’d watch out for are word choice and long sentences. Most, if not all, the times I pointed out redundancy could have been avoided with different word voices. Some of your sentences are a little long and the reader can get lost in them.

It feels like this is only part of the story. Does it continue after this? I wouldn’t worry too much about pacing since it feels like this is the exposition to the rest of a longer story.

Either way, good luck with it!

deadlyxkat 06-22-2010 01:12 PM

Shhh....I didn't...get wrapped up in work and forget about Menewsha for a time...no....

@ Poison Prevision Thank you! It was originally intended as a Short Story. I wrote it for a fiction class at school and was curious to get a more rounded opinion on it than just that of the professor's since, every person tends to see things just a little differently. That, and I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing in general. As for it being longer, I'm not sure it will ever be a longer piece because it was based on something that I was actually going through with my friends and I don't think I have much strength to go back and extend it much beyond this.

@contrapunctus Thanks! I'm generally of the mind set than any and all comments help, so long as they're constructive and not a simple ya or nay without reason. ^_^

@Nolori I have to admit, when I saw the length of your reply my brain kind of went 'Holy crap...' But! After reading through all of the comments you made, I'm really grateful you took the time to go through it like that. Some of it, I'm not the greatest with semicolons, as you can probably tell with my abundant use of them. I had a friend that went through it originally and while she loves them and they're her favorite punctuation, I am really starting to think she uses them way too much.

As for it feeling like only part of the story, that would technically be correct. It's based off an incident I had with some people I thought were my friends while at school this last semester. The real life version, is ever still continuing because I get to see them for another year and they're going to continue being all fake smiles and pretend friends even though we all know I know better by now. As for continuing the written version, I had a hard enough time actually writing this and keeping it objective enough to be a story and not a journal entry in a diary that I'm not sure if I would be able to continue going with it. While I would, to a point, love to continue it because I think it's the most emotionally charged story I've written...it just hurts a little too much.


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