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-   -   The story I'm writing :) (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=163095)

icee-eyez 06-20-2010 11:00 AM

The story I'm writing :)
 
Okay, so i'm writing a book/story for a character I made up and had help developing with someone on gaia...
Here's the prolauge, and probably in a few days I'll post the first chapter... =3

"Hurry! Hurry!" I screamed as clouds of dust were getting larger and closer from the horizon. "You damn idiots! Don't just stand there people, get a move on!" I yelled again as people stood in bewilderment at me in my Protector armor and on a warhorse. Maybe it was also the giant cloud of dust on the horizon and the specks that looked like an army in that dust cloud.
I rode my horse over to the nearest guard tower. In one swift move, I jumped off of my horse and onto the ladder then started climbing to the top where the bell awaited. In a few moments I reached the top and dashed to the alarm bell.
Before I could ring the bell, the guard on duty stopped me. He let out a bunch of groans, grunts, and partial words that were probably meant to say something like,"What do you think you're doing up here missy? Didn't your father ban you from guard towers?" but just came out as random noises basically. I could tell that he was drunk from the alcohol stench on his breath and I saw 3 empty beer bottles on the floor near the wall.
Without even bothering to explain myself to him, I shoved him out of the wayand rang the alarm bell, then shouted,"All Protectors on duty! We are under attack!"
Protectors... I am breaking the biggest rule of being a Protector... Not to mention that I'm in love with one... I thought.
~~~
"Sir, an alarm bell was just rang by your daughter," The Watcher said.
"Oh, great... What did she do this time?" the King groaned, having a bad feeling.

contrapunctus 06-20-2010 02:55 PM

So, it seems clear to me that you have a really strong idea of the world your character is inhabiting, which is great. I'm intrigued by these "Protectors," since I don't yet know what they are. I can "see" what your character is doing, as well, which also helps draw me in.

Things that need improvement, in my opinion, though:
  • Right now, the sentences seem a bit strung together -- there are actions missing between things. Not that you need to write, "I put one leg onto my horse, then the other, and kicked the horse forward." What I mean is that between, for instance, the bewildered people staring at your character, and your sentence about "Maybe it was also..." I'm not seeing the connection in logic. A brief statement of, perhaps, what the crowd is actually doing, or your character's mental reaction to their astonishment. The pacing is just a little too fast overall.
  • In the second paragraph, with the interaction between your character and the guard, things are out of order. Try setting the scene first: "I saw three empty beer bottles, and wasn't surprised when his sentence came out as gibberish. He probably meant to say..." or something like that.
  • Finally, your cliffhanger about breaking the rules of a Protector: we need some kind of instant payoff right after that. You want to keep the reader in suspense, and drawn in, but you don't want to simply frustrate them by holding the carrot constantly in front of their noses. Sometimes we need a bit of a nibble. ;) Give us some more information about Protectors -- not just by telling us about them, of course, but maybe have other guards rush in to show us what rule this is, or what the consequences are. Instead of leaving the cliffhanger as your character's thoughts, leave it as an external situation, perhaps your character surrounded by the consequences of her actions.
  • Oh, and don't leave the crowd alone, since you mention them early on! They're still there in the scene: what are they doing?

I hope this helps!


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