![]() |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
And ‘like he’d seen a ghost’ sounds like he’s scared. Is he meant to be scared or shocked? Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
And this is another part I feel like this would be better served as a show instead of tell. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I’d also suggest cutting out, or explain, ‘for what, the girl was not sure’. If she was nearly killed, I thought it was kind of obvious what she wants revenge for. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Also I think you missed a ‘more’ between ‘lot’ and ‘entertaining’. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
This is also kind of a long sentence. Quote:
Quote:
‘joked’ Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
-- You need to put in some paragraph spaces like you did in the first chapter. In Word or in print, the scene doesn’t really call for it, but because of the formatting of the posts on the internet, it makes everything look like a big block of text. It’s kind of intimidating. I know there’s a lot of hesitance in the dialogue here, but I feel like in both chapters you’re over doing it on the ellipses. A comma also represents a pause in dialogue, so I think you could change a lot of them to commas or periods. Ellipses tend to be used when someone simply trails off or there is a very long pause. (For example when you used the ellipses as Isaac trialed off.) As the story progresses you randomly switch over to present tense from past tense. It’s really jarring and can really hurt the flow of a story. So watch for that in chapter three. (I think I caught all the instances here, though. So this chapter should be good.) You also seem to switch from third-person limited to third-person omniscient. Since you change between chapters it’s not a big deal, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention since I wasn’t sure you intended to do it. I was a little surprised they didn’t even try to call the police (or their equivalent). I understand you want the story to be the kids figuring it out, but if they don’t even try to call the police (or the hospital) it starts to lose credibility. So you might think about putting something in about that. And even though I said we needed a base for it earlier in the story, I am actually really glad this is going to be a sci-fi. So excited for it! I'm going through Chapter One now. =] |
Annnd here's Chapter one!
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I’d change the comma to a question mark and make this two sentences. Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
And ‘cupboards’ has a p instead of b, right? Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
--- I hadn’t thought of this until after I read the second chapter, but since Aimi doesn’t remember her name, why not stop referring to her by it in the narration as well? It could be an interesting way to write it, though it’ll require a lot of creative sentence structure and word choice. I still really love the beginning, though! And it definitely got better! |
Thank you Nolori, I will respond to you when I have more time. I'm at an internet cafe because my internet is down.
|
Woo! Internet is back up. I'll edit the chapter one and two. Thank you soo much!
I must say, I really like chapter one now, its only chapter two which I need to work on, before I can work on chapter three :D Ohhh! And I've also made a picture of Reagan, and MAYBE Isaac, though I'm not happy with how his picture came out. I'm not the greatest artist, but I think I did alright. I'll show it when I can get on my mom's pc. |
No problem! I'm glad you like the edits!
I admire your patience for drawing. I can't make myself draw my characters in any fashion other than basic design. It bores me and I get frustrated with it far too easily. Artists amaze me! |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
‘… she was really, really hoping…’ Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
‘I just realized! We get to see the crime scene!’ Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
-- I like this version much better! Most of the things I mentioned were just phrasing and grammatical issues. Have you been working on chapter 3? |
Thank you so much Nolori, again! *sigh, I really should stop saying that xD*
I feel like this chapter two is better, but a bit rushed in the end, no? And yes, i'm working on chapter 3. I have a few plans in store for them. |
Yeah. It is a little rushed. I think it works up until that last sentence with "And all of them left". Maybe you could end with them about to leave instead of actually leaving? Since you're going into another chapter, you might just have a silent time lapse there.
|
I believe I understand how I can keep to one characters POV now, and have fully edited chapter 2. Tomorrow I'm going to try and do a quick write and write chapter 3 and 4 in one go ^^
Here's chapter 2 for now: (not very different, you don't have to proof read it for now) “Isaac, you choose the strangest girls to bring home," Reed remarked with a frown. Isaac glanced at Reed before returning his stare toward the blond girl, unable to believe what she had said. He was not the only one confused, nobody could really understand what was going on. Even Sloane and Reagan, who Isaac knew to be very open minded to this sort of thing, were staring with doubt. Realizing he hadn’t explained what happened to Xia, Isaac knew the others couldn't see the connection. Isaac, on the other hand, was hoping it was a joke. Things would be so much more complicated if she had lost her memory. But was she joking? Xia looked serious, everyone could tell that. "What do you mean you forgot?" Isaac (too many males to know who “he” is) exclaimed, unable to grasp what was going on. Things were spinning out of control, Isaac was getting nervous. He didn't like not knowing anything about her, just like Xia thought she could have been kidnapped, he thought about what she could have been. Perhaps she was a normal high school girl. On the other hand, if you were a pessimist like Isaac, she was a serial killer. "I think she means that she's lost her memory," Jian recalled from the corner of the group, usually the quiet one with Keto, who’ve been dating on and off in Isaac’s opinion. It was difficult to tell, their affection for each other was clear, but it seemed they weren’t confident on confronting one another. Jian was an asian girl, with a slightly sadistic feel to her, but she warms up to you once you meet her. Isaac felt wary of her at first, but she’s a great person, very good with her swords. With short black hair and a slight fringe, black eyes followed everything that was going on. "Say what? How can someone just lose their memory just like that?" Sloane exclaimed with wide brown eyes. Things were really stretching out of her usual everyday life, Isaac didn’t blame the girl for getting confused. "You can say that again. Last time I checked, memory loss was caused by an injury to the head, or brain trauma. But what do you know? Maybe someone has found a way to conjure a memory loss out of nowhere. Maybe she knew something she shouldn't have," Reagan suggested with a shrug. “No kidding. It’s got to be a joke or an act.” Reagan’s face reflected Sloane’s incomprehension of the situation, as she disputed Jian’s conclusion that Xia had lost her memory. “Last time I checked, memory loss was caused by an injury to the head, or brain trauma. But what do we know?” Isaac thought Xia would have to be a pretty good actor to pull something like this off. “But she does look serious.” Reagan continued as if reading Isaac’s mind. “Maybe someone has found a way to conjure a memory loss out of nowhere. Maybe she knew something she shouldn’t have.” Reagan suggested with a shrug. "Where did you say you found her Isaac?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. Isaac nervously looked at each curious face in the room, all looking at him. Somehow Isaac didn't feel comfortable giving them the news, but he knew they would have to know at some point, no one else could tell them for him either. It was Isaac and his father who knew, and somehow, he thought it'd be best if Isaac told them. His father never liked Xia, even when he met her, which was when Isaac was carrying her unconscious body through the kitchen door, had his father disliked her. But he didn’t think it was worth knowing. He couldn’t imagine how Xia would feel to know that just when she thought it was complicated, it got worse. He tried to imagine how he’d react in her situation, but he quickly left that trail of thought, not too eager to continue it. "Well, this isn't going to be easy, but I found you in the ocean. You were drowning," he paused. Isaac just wanted to end it at that, and say that was it, but it wasn't. Truth is, the worst part hadn't even arrived until now. "That isn't it though," Isaac sighed as he gazed at her eyes, such a deep purple, he didn't want to say it, he really didn't want to, but he had no choice. "Someone tried to drown you, someone tried to kill you," he finished, eyeing her slowly, feeling so guilty for having to tell her. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for her to take this in, but she needed to know. Something he kept repeating to himself so as to not feeling too horrible. It wasn't his fault. Isaac watched as she blinked with a loud gulp, avoiding his gaze. She looked just as overwhelmed as he did, completely pale to the face, hands shaking, and the girl seemed to take her time in answering. No one spoke. All was silent besides Xia’s occasional soft mumbles to herself. "You are so fucking joking,” she finally exclaimed, lifting her head. Isaac didn’t want to answer, and was relieved when Jian did. "I don't think he is," Jian responded for him, and Isaac nodded as though to confirm it. Xia sighed, she looked as though she’d given up on the false hope of it being a bad joke, but Isaac would never joke about that sort of thing – he hoped anyway. "That's not what you should be focusing on. If you saw that she was drowned, you must have seen the attacker," Reed guessed, and Keto nodded, Isaac guessed Keto had been thinking the same. Isaac unfortunately, didn’t have much good news to give. He sadly shook his head. "No, as soon as he noticed me, he vanished. Or at least, sensed I was there. He didn't even look up to know I was there, I couldn't see his face. I don't know what we're dealing with, maybe some sort of demon? Not quite sure, but he just vanished into thin air. Maybe a human possessed by a demon?" Isaac guessed, but somehow, it didn't sound right for what he thought he'd seen. "It sounds a lot more powerful than that," Jian thought, clearly focusing as she stared at something part or on her bracelet, Isaac didn’t seem to be sure. "Would it possibly be a..." Sloane trailed off as she looked at Reagan. "Don't even mention them, coach," Reagan paled, and so did Sloane. Everyone exchanged glances amongst one another, all except for Xia, who had no clue about Sloane and Reagan’s tragic story. "A what?" Xia impatiently asked, looking around. But no one answered for a moment, clearly not wanting to have to talk about it in front of Sloane or Reagan. Isaac certainly didn’t want to make things any worse than he had done, so he stayed quiet. Jian sighed, as though saying 'alright, I'll tell her then'. "A mage. There are certain mages that are very powerful, and both Reagan and Sloane's parents were killed by one," Jian answered. Sloane and Reagan stared at the floor as the memories came back. Isaac liked to think that the silence followed was an apology for having to bring it up and discuss it. "Ok. So we cannot figure out who the attacker is, have you run a search on her ID?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. Isaac nodded, and Reed looked suddenly hopeful, but the glee left his face when Isaac actually answered. "Yeah, she doesn't legally exist on earth, which means we'll have to check the other planets' databases," Isaac answered with a sigh. "But that takes ages! At least a week for all eight planets. Isn't there another way?" Jian whimpered. Keto took her hand in sympathy, and they exchanged a small smile before returning to the conversation. "You don't have to come, Jian. How about you, Isaac, Sloane, and Reagan go to the place…- the crime scene, and… Jesus, you know, this would be so much easier if she had a name. You're Nemo, ok? So Isaac, Jian, Sloane, and Reagan will go to check out the crime scene. Keto, Xia and I will search the databases," Reed decided with a nod. "Nemo?" Sloane frowned, unable to understand why he chose that name. Isaac didn’t understand the choice of name either. She didn't look like a Nemo to him, with the sleek long black hair, the deep purple eyes and long lashes, she looked more like a Zoey, for some odd reason. "I believe it means No one, or Nobody," Reagan explained, and everyone finally released a sound of understanding ‘Aaahh’. Besides Xia. "Wait, you think I'm no one?" she exclaimed, clearly trying to look insulted. "How dare you!" “It isn’t an insult to you honey, I just don’t know who you are yet, but you can choose now,” Reed quickly said. Isaac sighed under his breath, he thought he heard everyone sigh, but maybe it was just him. Whatever the reactions, this was typical Reed. The flirt. Xia didn’t know yet, but she’d learn. Xia grunted in reply. “Let’s get going then,” Reed chirped with a grin, content that Xia didn’t push it further. "Awesome Ray! We’re going to get to see the crime scene!" Sloane exclaimed with glee. Reagan nodded with an ecstatic smile. "Yeah coach! And we'll be private investigators," Reagan continued with a giggle. "Oh, Ray, but we can be so much more! I am Sherlock Holmes, the private investigator,” "And I am John Watson, the private investigator," Reagan finished with a grin, both putting a show of two men with strange expressions on their faces. They then fell into laughter, oblivious to the silence between everyone else. "Aren't you two... a little female for private investigators?" Keto asked, clearly talking about the two legends they were claiming to be. "Never too much to be Holmes and Watson, because their ready for action!" Sloane exclaimed with a wink, and Reagan winked as well. Keto smiled and blew a kiss their way, and they both faked a swoon. Jian elbowed him in the stomach, knowing everything was joke, but feeling the need to butt in the silent flirting. "Ok, enough romance,” Reed exclaimed with a smile, which Isaac snorted in response, seeing as romance was his life. “We need to get going, the quicker the better," Reed got to the point. |
BTW, I changed Aimi's name to Xia. XD I didn't like her name much.
Chapter 3 Once Reed, Jian and Keto left, Isaac, Xia, Sloane, and Reagan made their way to the cliff’s. Below was the vast ocean below, where Isaac had managed to climb down successfully without falling, hopefully, he would manage that again. Isaac reached the point where he’d noticed Xia in the water and explained everything he saw. “Here is where I saw you,” he starts, looking at Xia, and pointing, “There is where the man was, whatever the guy was, he was making sure you stayed under the water. At least, until he sensed me watching him. By the looks of it, he’d rather risk you being alive, than being seen.” Xia nodded, she seemed to be thinking, but Isaac couldn’t tell what was distracting her. Sloane and Reagan on the otherhand, were already making the trip down the cliff. “You special investigators need to be careful, it’s a steep climb down,” Isaac warned, looking anxiously at the rough waves. He didn’t want to have to save another two people. “Yeah, yeah, old woman, we’ll be fine,” Sloane called back with a roll of her eyes, and Reagan giggled. Their talking soon grew lower and lower as they reached the bottom of the cliff, leaving Xia and Isaac in their own silence. Isaac decided to see if he could figure out how they got there. He could see no signs of struggle, but then again, the tracks would have probably disappeared by now, because of the wind. “What are you looking for?” Xia asked curiously but quietly. “Just checking to see if there were any signs of struggle, maybe we could figure out where you were living from the tracks. Or then from where the thing that brought you – hopefully a car, it’s a lot easier to track than footsteps – because the wind has blown most of the tracks away, unfortunately,” he responded, kneeling down to look at the ground more closely. Xia looked around nervously. “What if he’s still here? He could be watching us right now for all we know,” she said quietly. Isaac turned to look at her, he wasn’t quite sure how to react to her fear. With Reagan, Sloane and Jian in their group, he wasn’t used to other people sharing their fear. It could be because Sloane and Jian are too stuck up to say anything, and Jian turns to Keto anyway. As for Reagan, well she turns to Sloane, so Isaac never had to deal with any of that. “Hey, hey, don’t worry, I think we’re pretty good at keeping you safe, you don’t have to worry. If he’s around, we’ll notice, trust me,” Isaac said gently, a hand on her shoulder. Xia shrugged it off slowly, but nodded and smiled her thanks. Apparently this girl wasn’t the touchy feely type. Isaac walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down, looking for Reagan and Sloane. “Guys! Have you found anything?” he called, but whatever the response was, he didn’t hear it over the crash of the waves. “I can’t hear you guys! Come up in a few minutes so I know you aren’t smushed in different pieces!” “CALM DOWN OLD WOMAN! WE’RE FINE!” Isaac was sure he’d heard that clearly even over the crash of the waves, and he didn’t need to try and figure out who shouted it because he knew perfectly well. Sloane. Isaac sighed with a grin, shaking his head and laughing to himself. It was silent as Isaac waited for Sloane and Reagan, but as he turned to look at Xia, a state of panic washed over him. Xia was on the floor, hands over her head. Inching closer towards her, Isaac tried to see what was wrong. “Xia, are you alright?” he asked worriedly, making sure he would not touch her again like last time. She nodded and raised her head to look at him, a few tears spilling from her eyes. He wiped them away gently, noticing how she looked slightly pale. “What’s wrong, do you feel sick?” he asked, frowning slightly. Xia hesitated. “I don’t feel sick, I just... I feel dizzy, I…” she trailed off, leaning against Isaac. “Let’s get you back home, we’ll see what Reed and the others have so far,” he decided. Slinging her arm over his shoulder, he rose from the ground, carrying most of her weight. “GUYS!” he called, referring to Sloane and Reagan who were still at the bottom of the cliff. He heard a small grumble for a reply, and it wasn’t long before he saw their faces pop up as they climbed back up again. “I really liked that place you know, and we’re not on a time schedule. It’ll take ages before Reed, Jian and Keto get some answers!” Sloane exclaimed, clearly upset. Reagan on the otherhand, noticed Xia’s face and nudged her friend. “What happened to her?” Sloane finally asked, catching up with what was going on. “She’s not feeling well, we’re walking back, and from then on we’ll see what we do.” ∞∞∞ “Alright, now we just have to wait and see,” Reed said as he sat back in his chair, relaxing. They’d just set up all the computers Isaac had to search the planet for Xia’s ID, using her DNA through a piece of hair. This will hopefully also give a location in the planet, which is always an advantage. Before Reed could even get comfortable, the door was slammed open as Isaac burst through with Xia in his arms. “She passed out.” “What the-“ Reed exclaimed, sitting back up in his chair. “Why?” “She said she was dizzy,” Isaac answered, clearly puzzled as well. “She was a little frightened too, thought her attacker might be close and watching.” “Did you check if she was right?” Keto asked. “What? No! She was just scared, nothing more,” Isaac exclaimed, frowning. “I think Keto was asking because she may have sensed something, or could have been instinct,” Jian explained, thinking. “Or, it could have just been her, I don’t blame the girl. She’s clearly overwhelmed about everything,” Reed suggested. “Well what do we do?” Isaac asked, not quite liking the situation he was in. “There isn’t much we can do. We wait,” Reed answered with a shrug, sitting back in his chair to get comfortable again. Jian whimpered. |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
“Below was the vast ocean. This was where Isaac had been able to climb down to save Xia. Hopefully, he could manage that again.” Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
|
| All times are GMT. The time now is 12:30 PM. |