After a Break Up Can you still be friends with an Ex?
 

(Not sure if this goes in this forum or the life issues sub-forum-- it's not a life issue of mine, just a general question I wanted to ask everyone. If this is the wrong forum I apologize in adavance.)

Ok I'm going to ask this question since I have known some people to go through an issue like this. I have a friend who had been dumped by his girlfriend but then she wanted to continue to be friends of which less than three weeks later she was already dating somebody else which makes me suspicious... Well anyways this isn't about that. How many of you could be friends with an ex lover after a long relationship where real love was present and then allow them to go gracefully and be happy for them?

I will say my answer and it is no.
I will say why now since there have been several response to this.
First off I wil say it would be for someone whom I was strongly attatched to and had been with a long time. Unless we both had just fallen out of love with each other and it was a mutual decision.
One, because I know that I could not bare to see my former lover whom I would most likely still have strong feelings for with another person. Two, because I know my resentment and jealousy would kick in and sabatoge the friendship to no end and secretly I would try to sabotage their relationship. Three, I would just be plain miserable hoping and praying that they would take me back. So in closing I say, hell no to all of that shit. Emotional pain is hard, but this kind of torment I would not stand for. A clean break would be what I would need.

For some of us it's all or nothing...

I'm friends with an ex that I was with for a long time, we were together for four years; engagement ring, mortgage and all. You can still be friends, but there needs to be a period of no contact inbetween the break up and when you move onto the new stage of just being friends. If not it just ends up being a big old mess of mixed emotions, there has to be that period where you go through the grieving process for your relationship before you can "just be friends". Basically, you need to have got to the stage where you absolutely do not care about them any more before you can sensibly go down the friendship route.

It always depend of if when you broke up it finished well or badly. If the guy is still nice with me evn after we broke up I'll do the same but if he ish bad and rude with me I'll kick his ass }:D

Yeah i'm best friends with my ex and i will be for a long long time

This all depends on both people. When my girlfriend dumped me, she wanted to just be friends. But that wasn't something that I was able to handle at all. I ended up going pretty crazy and now we don't talk at all anymore really.

That being said, some people are better at handling their emotions, and have no problems at all with it. It also depends on how long both people were together and how the breakup happened. I was together with my ex for well over a year, so for me, it was a bit harder than someone who perhaps has just been dating a month or two?

It depends on what both parties want out of the friendship. Ulterior motives can destroy any possibility of a friendship. Like for instance, after a long time separated from an ex, we got back in touch a few years back and became best friends, very literally. Better friends than when we were dating, I'd say. When we first broke up he wanted us to be friends, but I didn't want to have anything to do with him then. Much later, I was more receptive to friendship. But when I saw the physical attraction was still there AND we had great chemistry as friends, I started to want a relationship while he might have wanted some fun, but still no relationship. So eventually there was a point where I said we should get back together, and he didn't agree. I think it's hard when the attraction is still there, or when both parties haven't moved on. While I was friends with him it was great that I could get his advice and support about the guys I was getting involved with, and vice versa, because we both knew that those other people couldn't compare to the type of relationship we had as close confidants. But again, I wanted the relationship and he didn't want it. So the wants got in the way of having a successful friendship, and even now that we're both in happy relationships with other people (I am engaged), we're still working through a sometimes awkward or rocky friendship.

I've been with my ex for half a year, I loved her so deeply but she didnt really care the same for me. When she dumped me i basically went for a loop and couldnt believe it but i never wanted to leave her side so we're staying as best of friends and thats enough for me

It all depends on the emotional maturity of the people involved. I definitely agree with Jelly that there has to be some time where you don't talk to each other at all otherwise feelings are hurt even worse in the long run and you play that stupid game of "you lead me on/no YOU lead ME on". Most of my ex's I don't speak to at all because they were just plain crazy. For example, I was with one of them for a good ten months or so and I dumped him because he became extremely possessive to the point of getting angry at me for helping my FEMALE friend pack and move and expected me to text him all day. Seeing as I'm extremely independent, fuck that shit. When I left him (this was the second time, I had already given him a chance to change his crazy ways and he had failed) he started saying I had cheated on him and that he was going to kill himself. I stopped talking to him for about a year and then I contacted him because we had been close friends before we had dated and I genuinely cared about him as a fellow human being. However, he decided to play the "I'm such hot shit now that I'm not with you anymore" card and I stopped talking to him again because he was just plain disrespectful and always bringing up our past relationship for no reason. So about another year goes by and this time he gets in touch with me and he apologizes for the things he had said. That's all well and good but Vix is not sucker and I made it clear that while I didn't mind talking to him every once in a while, that we would never be friends like we used to be and that I would never take him back. He said that was fine at first but it wasn't long before he was talking about our old relationship and about how he had started dating an old friend of mine who wound up leaving him for the same reasons that I did. This is what he said, "I feel empty inside unless I'm holding someone or being told I'm loved constantly." I suggested therapy and stopped talking to him again when he tried threatening suicide in order to get me back. I don't play those fucking games. So yeah, some people are just too fucked up to bother with.

...Lillian admits it...she is one of many who is currently best friends with her favorite ex boyfriend. After Lillian broke up with him, she realized she made a good decision but was going to miss her ex boyfriend being her best friend...like he was before they dated. Now, they're good friends and still talk every now and then.

I suppose it is possible, but I personally am not friends with any of my ex's.

There's only one I'd care to have conversation with but that's only because I'm not truly over it yet, despite having many relationships since then. That's not to say I haven't tried to keep up with general conversation in "friendship" with my ex's, it's just I loose total interest which makes carrying on a conversation that's remotely engaging difficult.

On the flip side this has me curious if the reverse happens to friends. If a good friend/you admits feelings to you/them, and are rejected, are you still just as good friends or does it stop on things and you become less close?

I think you can... I'm friends with my exes. mos of them...

I count one of my exes as one of my best friends and I really trust him. However I will qualify this with after the break up we were really awkward for over a year (I really broke his heart when I broke up with him) we didn't talk hardly at all during that time but recently we've started talking a lot and I think it's partially because we did date that I feel I can trust him, so I'm glad our relationship turned out the way it did, I would never date him again but I'd hate to lose him as a friend.

As others in this thread have asserted, it is entirely possible to maintain a friendship with someone after you break up. Indeed I am still living with my ex gf. Quite simply when we came to the mutual agreement that our relationship was over we continued to live together, albeit as flat mates now. As Vix Viral so rightly asserted a key element is emotional maturity. Not that I profess to have this by any sense of the term. My ex however is an extremely mature person. I do not doubt that she is able to be one of my best friends now because of her maturity and personality merits.

I love how strongly the agreement flows here.
I just hope y'all are right, because I ended up dating my best friend nowadays, and if I ever lose the dating, I hope to the world and everything I am in it that that wouldn't mean losing my best friend too.

I hope all the good things for you Hermes <3

I used to think that yes, you could still be friends with an ex, but looking back now I disagree.

Every girlfriend I've ever had (even the one from 6th friggen grade) is trying to date me right now. When I was engaged I had to chase away exs, for Christ's sake. It seems like I've had to cut off all contact with them save two that I can't get rid of.

One of them is like...my romantic comedy buddy. Every time I'm single we wind up talking and start to get interested in each other again. It's been a comically on and off relationship ever since we broke up after a year of dating, but we haven't really gotten together for datey-ness in over a year. But she hangs out with some of my really good friends as part of an inseparable group, and I don't want to lose those friends, so I endure her.

The other one is the only ex I believe I can be friends with, and that's because I can't imagine not having her around. She's...I don't know. I don't love her - I never really did, and the whole relationship was just awkward. I just always imagined the two of us going to hell and back together. She's my second in command, my comrade, my ally. Not friends, not lovers, just bastards.

>.>

In other words: On a rare occasion you can, but not really.

I think that if the break-up is mutual, then it's quite possible for the two people to remain friends after the relationship ends. If one person dumps the other, though, staying friends is almost impossible, in my opinion.

Mind you, this is all in theory for me, since I've never remained friends with any of the people that I've dated over the years.

Yay for awkward break-up fun! :sarcasm:

For what it's worth Hermes? I'm now engaged to my best friend! And just because you get together with a friend to start with doesn't mean that you have to think ahead to when you both part ways. For all you know, it could go on and on and on....

That makes sense to me, personally. I don't think it's reasonable to say you can stay friends with any ex, but if you end on good terms then yeah. I'd talk about how I think all things should end on good terms, but that's a whole other topic.

Ode, I just think it's realistic to address the fact that things might not last forever. I don't wait for it to end, I just don't want to deny the possibility. =P

I'm still friends with one of my exs. We still hang out together from time to time. We check in with each other and we call each other when we need advice about something. She still calls me when she is lonely or upset about something. We just parted ways because we both wanted different things in life, but that doesn't mean that we don't care about each other.

I'd say yes, but after my ex's were ass-wipes to me, I just shut them down. I wanted to be friends, but they were way too immature about it. I hate them both now.