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-   -   Aspiring wordsmith looking for critiques and comments (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=165151)

General Lee Outrageous 07-12-2010 12:17 AM

Aspiring wordsmith looking for critiques and comments
 
I'm a professional by no means, but I fancy myself a semi-decent poet. I've written a few poems, but I don't really know many people who are able to give me any honest criticism on them, so I figured I'd share them here. Any kind of comment from an in-depth dissection and diatribe on the plebeian nature of my writing to a simple "I liked/didn't like it!" is both welcome and appreciated.

A few notes:
In most cases, my poems are simple rhymed meter of random length simply because it's the writing style which comes most naturally to me. In those poems which deal with love/romance, they're written about the nature of love, rather than specific emotions felt towards a certain person. I do this because I prefer my poems to tell universal truths instead of being a recollection of my emotions or experiences. In the future, this may not be the case, but I'll be sure to note so.

And so, here they are. Feel free to read all of them or only the ones that seem appealing to you at your leisure.

"In the Park Today"

I walked alone in the park today, and it began to rain.
The drops of water splashed my face and cleansed me of my pain.
The lightning crashed and broke the tree, tearing out the roots,
Leaving fresh and loamy soil, from which would sprout green shoots.

I first met you in the park today, while sun shone out its rays.
The flow'rs and trees stretched out their leaves and banished all the grays.
The Earth was decked with verdant life, filling the air with song.
Finding not a better scene, our love did bloom erelong.

You held my hand in the park today, as gusts of wind did blow.
The branches broke from lofty heights and struck the ground below.
The tree trunks bent but did not break, standing strong and tall,
Holding fast to deep bedrock, they stood firm throughout the squall.

We sat outside in the park today, with flakes fresh on the ground.
The blank't of white spread everywhere, muffling ev'ry sound.
The trees were bare without adorn, exposed for all to see,
Resting amidst the banks of snow was found serene beauty.

[9/15/09]

***

"It Starts with the Eyes"

If you never open your eyes, how can you see?
If you cannot see, how can you learn?
If you cannot learn, how can you know?
If you cannot know, how can you understand?
If you cannot understand, how can you love?

[10/13/09]

***

An Academic Question Concerning Perspective

If I walked in your shoes, what would I find?
How would it feel inside another mind?
Would it be familiar and feel like home,
Or would it be strange and foreign to my own?
I would see the world from a different perspective,
but would it be my own thoughts reflected?
Would I see the same shapes, though from new position,
Or would they be altered beyond recognition?
What if the two could never be tied?
Would my eyes survive being opened so wide?
How could I ever know what's inside of your head?
If I ever could learn, I'd rather be dead.

[3/13/10]

***

"Deaf and Blind"

He was born deaf and blind,
closed eyes and closed ears.
He crawled like the others,
all purposeless gears.
Turning, being turned,
throughout blackest night.
A plane of confusion,
our common birthright.
He slipped and he stumbled,
impassioned concussions.
He was battered and bruised
by those selfish rush-ins.
He had given up hope,
lying broken, defeated,
when he felt a warm voice,
a whisper repeated.
In those four-chambered halls,
the message resounded.
Swelling within him,
through his being it bounded.
"Though you know not the way,
you must cease your crawl.
You must stand without fear,
even though you may fall."
So he pressed on his palms
and rose from the floor.
His strength and stability
were with him no more.
He stumbled and fell,
his heart gripped by fears
of the tortures reserved
for such pioneers.
Yet the pain did not come.
His fall ceased to persist.
And he was most perplexed
by the hands on his wrists.
His hands did find hers,
and they held together.
They steadied themselves
with their newfound tether.
His lids opened slowly
and let in new light.
He found himself wholly
unprepared for the sight
of this wondrous maiden
gripping his arms.
Her features were laden
with mystical charms.
He knew as he gazed
he'd ne'er again roam.
He was truly amazed;
in her arms he found home.
Yet he was concerned
and questioned her so:
how had she learned
where he would go.?
"I was born deaf and blind
closed eyes and closed ears.
To the darkness confined,
I wandered many years.
But from outside
I felt someone call.
The voice bid me rise,
assured I'd not fall.
And so I stood high,
great fear did ensue.
My legs lost their strength,
and I fell into you."

4/9/2010



chelseasometimes 07-17-2010 12:09 AM

Your amazing with your imagery. As I read your stuff I can see what you are talking about. Also the repition you use in the second poem is awesome, it really keeps the whole thing fluid.

The only thing Im not a fan of (by personal teaste) is the rhyming. It is by no means an actual critique, but I often feel that rhyming is a little bit childish sounding. (I didnt feel this way until I had a teacher who beat it into my head). YOur poems are very well written, and I think some of the rhyming maybe limits them a bit? and I unerstand the natural rhythym in rhyme. I had a really hard time getting away from it for my class, and then a second teacher told me rhyming is the way to go. Its all a preference thing to me.

I really enjoyed reading them all in all :) I think you have quite a talent.


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