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-   -   A poem who's title is not yet concrete (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166805)

Popcorn Gun 08-01-2010 06:25 AM

A poem who's title is not yet concrete
 
I'm thinking about calling it "Draped in Mystique" however.
Feel free to respond or critique. I don't mind.
:' )



Skin of copper
Draped in sheets
of gold
spun and sewn with
intricacy

A spin
fabric dances
as she dances
An enchantress

Eyes of fire
Turn up the heat
You start sweating
Though you've remained in your seat

She's amazing
She's ethereal
And moves with such skill
To call it dancing would be a crime

For such grace
And movements
-with mortal words-
cannot be defined




edited

wrylilt 08-08-2010 07:16 AM

Quote:

Skin of copper
Draped in in sheets
of gold
spun and sewn with
intricacy
Bit of a typo repeat there. :)
Also, for a better flow maybe try and break it up into
Skin of copper/Draped in sheets/of gold spun and sewn/with intricacy.

Quote:

A spin
fabric dances
as she dances
An enchantress
Normally repeating the same word in two very close lines is a no no, however it works perfectly here. Absolutely love this part!

Quote:

Eyes of fire
Turn up the heat
You start sweating
Though you've remained in your seat
Maybe the last line is a bit long? You could try something like "But remain in your seat."

Quote:

She's amazing
She's ethereal
And moves with such skill
To call it dancing would be a crime
I think the last line is too long again... not sure what change you could make but maybe either change it into something in two lines OR try a different metaphor or simile for dancing.

Quote:

For such grace
And movements
-with mortal words-
cannot be defined
Love this line too. Perfect.

Overall lovely poem, I can see someone dancing in my mind as I read it. I'm not sure on the name though... your call!

Popcorn Gun 08-13-2010 05:25 AM

Ack!
Just fix'd the typo.
Thanks for that.

And merci beaucoup.
If you've got any name suggestions feel free to share.

skye davis 08-16-2010 12:05 AM

well you could call it something like.. the entchantress dance. just a suggestion lol :)

Popcorn Gun 10-27-2010 07:27 AM

Lol, gratzi.
:' )

CADFND 11-06-2010 03:05 AM

Beautiful work, but the title doesn't fit to me. I think a title like 'Dance of the Temptress' or 'Dance of the Goddess' would better fit. But it's totally your call. :sweat: I'm just throwing out ideas.


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