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FeliaFalls 08-22-2010 05:36 PM

A piece I wrote for an old contest
 
It's kind of for practice and i wrote it while I was half-asleep for a contest. I couldn''t finish it because I had troubles of my own taking up most of my time (Curse you, Dad.). To be honest, I haven't written a lot of prose in awhile, so I'm just a bit rusty. I just want to see if this writing holds any value in the teaching process, so I'm putting it up for crits. Enjoy and hate as you please. It's a small excerpt so please read.

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A lot of people say that the enemy is the enemy. The block in your path to greatness and there will never be any way of getting around that. That’s only until you see yourself in the enemies light.
I tried looking in her light. I only saw black and shades of nothing else and more of that blackness had been covered by a distraction of beauty. Like a spider or a cute chipmunk that you take care of only to have it bite you on the finger, leaving you to cry to mommy to get you a more innocent kitten instead.
 
And that’s till you realize that that kitty is not much better.
 
I met the enemy at a café’s in snow, snowy Gaylord. I had run away from school and decided to let destiny take its course. I had more things planned out in my life than a stupid teacher behind a tacky desk could ever help me out with. I cleaned her table and watched as she chatted with her slimy friends about plans and arrangements, Her dark charm was irritable, her lips red as the cheap carpet on the floor, and her eyes brown like jewels on her face. Strange and exotic. She urged me towards her once and I took her order. Hot chocolate. When I delivered the drink, she said goodbye with a smile and a wink.
The next I saw her, she was at Otsego Lake shuffling in the snow with her brother, one more filthy than her friends. She caught me and that was when I learned her name. Ally Miles. And then she asked me to follow her.
 
I did and we proceeded under a lamp post. It was creepy that night. Us, only two people in the street underneath a lamp post that had no friend anywhere down the street.
 
“What are we doing here, Ally?”
Ally lifted a long bang out of her face. “I was told not to tell you.”
“Fine,” I said. I really wasn’t in the mood. She’s tricked others before and I was sure I wasn’t going to be any different to her. “See ya.”
“Really?” She called after me, twisting her same bang. “Just like a runaway. Run away from a girl in the dark. Such a scared little boy…”
I stopped. “How did you know?”
“Word gets around fast in small towns, doesn’t it?” She walked back up to me, reached my shoulders, and hooked her arms around them. “So, what do you think about me, Ira?”
Here it comes. The question every girl asks before they decide whether or not they want to date you. At least, I think it is. In like serious relationships, they do…or don’t…I’m a virgin, so you can stop making fun of me now.
Oh, God. “You’re interesting, Ally,” I said. “I’m sorry, but that’s the only reason I fell for you.” God, can you hear me?
Ally didn’t seem disappointed. “Of course. I am interesting. But you still want me, right?”
“At first, interesting was the only thing I could come up with. Then it worked up to pretty and devilish.”
“Devilish?” Ally chuckled. Our shoulders were touching. “That’s always been my favorite compliment. I guess you earned the truth. Just like the rest of Gaylord.”
“And what does Gaylord know?”
“Let’s go.” Ally skipped to the lamp post. Seriously, what was so special about it anyways? But as though there were some leash around my neck, I followed.
Under the light, Ally reached into her pocket. “You want to see what Gaylord knows? You’ve already seen it.”
Her hand pulled out to reveal a pocket knife. Under the lamp light, it sent a familiar glow into the dark.
“What-” I started, but Ally cut me off.
Her eyes lowered. A smirk slid onto her face. “If you liked that little surprise, you’ll love this!” She said, holding the knife to her breast line.
“NO! STOP!” I grabbed at the knife.
Ally jumped back before I could snatch it away and quickly at her skin. A thin line opened from the top of her neckline down to beneath her breast, gushing smooth traces of blood from her skin. Ally dropped her knife. Her eyes widened in horror. She fell back on the lamp post using it as a support for her back as she began to twitch uncontrollably.
“ALLY!” I tried to pin her, but she kicked me off.
“S-Stay back!” She warned.
The shaking stopped.
Then, I saw it. From the open line on her chest, bloody darkness emerged. The darkness swam out of her chest and around the blood itself into the lamp light.
“Al-Ally…?” My mouth went dry as the substance swam around the light. The darkness swerved and headed straight at the lamp. Violently, the darkness lashed at the lamp, breaking the glass and knocking out the light instantly. The street blackened.
But that stream of darkness wasn’t finished. Ally buttoned up her shirt and reclaimed her spot besides me, smiling proudly. “Lovely,” she said. Her last button on her collar was still unbuttoned and I caught a quick glimpse of her chest. The line was still there…but where was the line? The line of the opened chest wound?
I backed away instantly. She-she wasn’t human! “YOU! YOU’RE NOT REAL YOU AREN’T HUMAN!” I couldn’t see where I was running to. The darkness had blocked the stars and all other sources of light around the lake. She…She had trapped me.
I jerked my my head back to where Ally was. She was gone! She had vanished.
“I’m not human, “her voice laughed in the shielding darkness. “Boy, you should’ve figured that out a long time ago. After all, I’m not as subtle as people peg me.”
“Ally!” I shouted. The darkness was surrounding me now. “Where are you?”
Another laugh came from my left…or was it my right/ My front? Or back? Everywhere? I screamed.
“WHAT ARE YOU?!
Before I could shut my mouth from the scream, it was forced wide open by a hand. My eyes were closed. But I tasted it. Darkness sliding into my mouth, across my tongue and down my throat. My heart jutted out in white-hot pain. It was in m y chest, twisting around my heart,. Tying. It was tying itself around my heart.
It was so cold. My skin froze into a pale, moon shade. My mouth was wide open, unable to close. I was on my back, left on the street.
The few stars in the sky had reappeared. I saw Ally on top of me, panting rapidly. Her black hair was a mess, rolling off her head like dead extensions. Her brown eyes were black and just as dead as her hair. Her hands were on my chest, pushing down heavily on my heart.
“So,” she said coldly. “You’re alive? I finally picked a strong one.” She got off of me and allowed me to sit up.
“You….What have you done to me? You’ve killed me?” It took all my strength to seize her and force her beneath on the ground.
She simply laughed in my face. “Such a drama queen. I haven’t killed you. You should be flattered. I put a little bit of myself into you.”
A little bit of what? “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!” I put my hands around her neck and proceeded to try and squeeze the life out of this beast beneath me. But then, I craned my neck. Something was eating away at me. My emotions. My anger. My hate. My sorrow. My pain. They all went away and my hands loosened around her neck. I couldn’t. My will. It was being sucked away from me.
Suddenly, Ally bent up at me, her face cruel and spiteful. “Whatever I am, it is what you are now, my slave. I am the night itself. The wraith who feeds on the hatred of mortals and spins it into the beautiful black sky that you see before you. I am Aliah. I am the Darkness’ Deceit and I dig it, my able new slave!”
“The….night?” I stared up at the sky. A weaver of the night? “Slave?”
“Oh, I really picked an idiot this time around, didn’t I? Let me put it simply. You belong to me now, Ira. I gave you the darkness that pumps my heart and you accepted it. You are mine.”
Her words that night shot through me destroying every ounce of pity, concern, or actual love I ever had for her. Even if I didn’t know what was happening or what I had become. But I found all that out soon enough.
“Why…?” I screamed when I didn’t understand. Ally flexed her forefinger. Like a puppet, I jerked upward as the strings of darkness around my heart pulled instantly. She could control me by the ends of her fingernails.
“Hmmmm…” Ally laughed at my humiliation. “Oh, I guess that’s why….”
I was starting to understand. “You….You’re going top use me…hurt me….and use my anger to spin darkness.” The answer was in my head as if us being connected gave me all the answers.
“Finally you get a brain,” she answered. “But not quite. I feed on your hatred and I will use it to give birth to a new night. An everlasting one. But I don’t need your hatred for that, really. Silly boy. I can just as easily find someone else in that shithole of a café’ to hate me enough without putting an itty bitty piece of myself in them.’ She beamed proudly at me like I was her beloved child.
I stood up against my own will and grabbed her shoulders and urged her to look at my face. “THEN, WHY ME?”
“Well…” Ally hummed. “I always did want a slave of my own.”
“WHAT!”
“A slave,” she repeated. “My job gets hard, Ira. I have to fill my lovely body up with hatred that I get from the people in this town cursing me before I release all the hatred into the sky at the end of the year. But this year, I’m a little short…Sometimes, I have to-” She paused to stare me down-”…improvise.”

Rinchi 08-22-2010 06:13 PM

It would have been easier to read if it were double spaced... since indents don't work to well on forums? Still pretty decent for being written half asleep.

iinsanely Sane 08-22-2010 09:17 PM

I absolutely adore this piece, I love the plot, and would love to read more. I think I've told you this more than once.

FeliaFalls 08-22-2010 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rinchi (Post 1768118299)
It would have been easier to read if it were double spaced... since indents don't work to well on forums? Still pretty decent for being written half asleep.

Yeah, I know. i write my best stuff when I'm too tired to see what I'm doing. It's funny. Thanks and I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

@ Angelica I'm nearly finsihed with a whole novel based around this damn plot. It's stuck in between three giant notebooks....

iinsanely Sane 08-25-2010 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FeliaFalls (Post 1768119519)
Yeah, I know. i write my best stuff when I'm too tired to see what I'm doing. It's funny. Thanks and I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

@ Angelica I'm nearly finsihed with a whole novel based around this damn plot. It's stuck in between three giant notebooks....

You should show me then!!


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