I don't feel like I belong.
 

I really don't. I have such a hard time coping with society and the way people are. I've always been a wallflower at dances; I sat at the back of the room; I sat by myself at lunch. I try to get along with people, but they either don't fully accept me, they treat me like a toy or they just completely ignore me. I'm very unsatisfied with the way the world is, I can't help but feel that I was born in the wrong era, the wrong body, the wrong time. Sometimes I feel like I'm being suffocated in my body, as if it's too small for me...or something. I get so scared when I make "friends" because I've had so many friendships end in failure, betrayal or just finding out that they kept you just so they can secretly laugh at you.

Now, I'm not really all that eccentric. I'm just...alittle conservative. I still believe and practice chivalry, I love anything that has to do with the ancient world, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or have sex. I don't even masturbate because I think it's gross. I don't wear revealing clothes/clothes with cleavage and I make sure that my skirts always go to my knees atleast. I think the most "sexy" clothes I have are my corsets- like...these are real corsets, not the lingerie ones. And the friendships I have now, I just feel like they're hanging with me because of the guy I'm dating. I don't feel like I quite fit in with them- like it's hard to explain, but I just don't feel like it's genuine. And they're all better looking than me. I feel like an ugly troll when I'm standing next to them- especially this one in particular. She's small, petit with coal black hair and milky pale skin. She looks like a doll. I remember when she came to my house, after she left my family could not stop talking about how beautiful she was. I'm just plain plain plaiiinnn...and my body is just icky, I have freckles and my nose is weirdly shaped. And they're all party people, these friends, and they do things I don't agree with. I have a borderline phobia of alcohol and smoking- it just makes me feel really dirty and uncomfortable. When I'm around or in it, I feel like I want to claw my skin off.

The only time I'm at peace is when I'm with nature- with it's trees, it's rivers, it's animals. I feel like that's the only place that I truly belong. When I'm sitting in the middle of the forest with my dog beside me, listening to all the sounds and songs of the wild. I've always sought refuge in nature- in mother earth. Animals are just naturally drawn to me, I've had moments where I'm just sitting in my lawn and squirrels will come sniffing up to me and some have even crawled up on my knee. I've played with Black Widows and handled snakes. >< Animals are my only friends- but sometimes I wish I could be accepted by the human world too. Occasionally anyway.

I suggest that you take it easy. Society can be very cruel, and often doesn't understand. Perhaps you don't feel like you belong because you're hanging out with the wrong crowd? Why don't you try joining a club, play some sports... do something that you like, and maybe you'll find others who share your interests.

I have friends who are beautiful, and more often than not, I feel like the jiggly freak. They see this and understand it, so I believe they are real friends. You need to relax, and do what you enjoy the most. If you like nature, why don't you try to find people who like animals as well? You can start a conversation with pets, like which ones they have or what they'd like to have.

As for the smoking, drinking, etc, I can relate. It's just not your thing (and that's a good thing, in my opinion). Don't give into pressure just to fit in. Do you like sketching? Singing? Writting? You can do this at a peaceful place like the forest or at the river (or any other natural surrounding where you'd feel comfortable).

All I can say is, enjoy yourself. You'll find the right kind of people for you to hang out with eventually; as long as you are yourself, everything will turn out right.

Yeah, I actually know how this feels. Like you’re always the odd one out. When I was in school, I sat for years in the Peanut room (which we had because some were allergic to peanuts) but I wasn’t. I was just shy and I felt everyone’s stares on me all the time. People were jerks and they had no problem voicing just how big of jerks they were. I wasn’t like my brother who shrugged off insults and took hits as they came. Anyways, in my last year in high school, I was approached by people who figured that I was ok to hang out with now. After years of being silent, I started to belong.

Even now, I struggle with a syndrome that makes it hard to have empathy for my peers. It was so much easier to care for adults and children and it still is. I never understood why and still, I don’t have very many friends and I’ve never had a date. I’ve never lost my virginity to this day and I’m twenty (though I’m proud of that). I don’t smoke or do drugs or drink. I’ve never had a mind to. I was no one special in high school and I felt as though I didn’t belong everyday.

But one thing I noticed is that if you just get know yourself a little bit more so that you are comfortable with yourself, what more do you need? You seem strong and independent from everything you say. You love nature and animals more than you like to interact with humans. You know yourself that well to know that your strong point isn’t interacting with people but other things in our world. That in itself is unique.

So, interacting with people isn’t your strong point, but that’s just a flaw and as human beings we have those and we can always change them and work on them so they aren’t so big. But that is all your decision. Don’t ever change yourself unless you feel you are ready to get more social. Until then, you are perfect just the way you are, social or not.

Humanity's curse, everyone strives to be both individuals and similar to their peers. We are after all our own person with our own voice, yet we want to be accepted. We think that to be accepted we need to have things in common, and were it does help as a starting point, it’s not the answer.

Also, while people like you and me are looking in the mirror and saying things like “I’m too fat” or looking at our friends and thinking “I wish I was that pretty and outgoing” people we think are gorgeous look in the mirror and think the same thing! It’s nonsense really, but they do. Everyone has things they don’t like about themselves and features they envy in others.

When it comes down to it you need to accept yourself first. In fact make a list of everything you don’t like about yourself, another list of what you like about yourself, and another list of what you think others don’t accept you because of. Take them and compare. Then take the two lists of things you don’t like and what you don’t think people accept and take all the things that match. On the lists of matches there’s bound to be things that you can change that will make you happier about yourself. For most people, if a person is confident about themselves people notice that more than anything so the rest doesn’t matter. For things like freckles, you don’t need to worry about that, but if you’re not happy with your weight that is something you can work with.

If you can change something AND you want to, there’s no reason not to. Just remember not to force a change for someone else. Plus, if someone doesn’t accept you, that’s their loss. Please know, that if you're sensitive enough to wonder if you belong, you are a better person than those who "know" they belong yet only cause drama.

Oh, thank you guys for your words. >< I am part of a club, which is where I met most of my friends. Some of them I knew back in highschool. I keep myself clean because I'm a huge nature person(obviously) and I see smoking, drinking, drugs, etc as a form of pollution of the human body. Sex is something sacred to me, so I plan to wait until after marriage to have it as a present to my husband and life partner. ><

@FeliaFalls- Your comment struck me the most because I know exactly how that goes and what you said later really means alot to me. >< It's like this...I can understand animals, the way things are with the earth- but people continue to confound and kinda scare me. They're so violently unpredictable. >>

@Vixeona- I get what you're saying. I'm trying, but I am very critical of myself, and as a result I have a hard time liking anything about myself. >< But I will try that...at some point. Thank you for the advice.

I don't drink, smoke, or have sex. I am 21. I use to feel the same way you did. Especially in high school. There is nothing wrong with not conforming to what everyone else does. Some people think that doing drugs and drinking and having sex is being rebellious. But when you look at it almost everyone does those things. So wouldn't that make the people who don't do those things rebels :) Anyway hang in there girl. There is nothing wrong with you. High school is just mean these days. Things will get better eventually trust me. I use to be in your position, once I got outta high school things changed completely. As for beauty, everyone is beautiful. And don't let anyone tell you different.

I am out of high school. I'm, infact, 21 years old. ><