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-   -   Sort Of...Poetry Things (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170343)

IadulDraculai 09-16-2010 11:04 AM

Sort Of...Poetry Things
 
Please don't laugh at me! It's not actually that often I write poetry...


One tiny flood of a crushing symphony
As I breath softly beneath stormy waters
the winds of bitterness blow fast
over the withered heath of life/
And I think you robbed me of sweetness,
so let this lie live in death
like a thousand petals falling
into the aching void.

angelclawz 10-05-2010 01:16 AM

But why would we laugh? that was lovely. I loved the vivid imagery. Keep writing. It's well worth reading.^^

IadulDraculai 01-08-2011 07:54 AM

Thank you, Angel! that means a lot to me :D

Though the dark
Endless eon's creep,
awaken me form endless sleep
through life, so dreary,
Rest not, the weary,
awaken now, form slumberless sleep

The shadows like a rose unfold,
crawling fourth from mankind's first mold
The horrors that belie untold
What god is this, unmerciful doubt
to not cast shadows out

We are left to our self defend
against our own dreadful, bitter end
no divine powers left to lend
our mortal doubt to us is left
our own sanity is fading, bereft

Seeping, threatening darkness comes
leaving only the sound of drums
Humanity, what is left succumbs
to our astral fate
it is too late.

Seridano 01-11-2011 12:23 AM

You seem to have a need to write with words that folks often throw out there when they start working with poems. Fate, astral, eons, etc. and I've also noticed a certain fondness for the word symphony in your work. These words are undoubtedly fun, they make things sound cool and, admittedly, they have their places. However, while they fit well enough in the second piece, in the first the descriptions seem almost at odds. One interesting idea floats into another that doesn't quite fit with it, the pieces not quite working to make a truly cohesive whole, which leaves the reader with the sense of missing out on some sort of fulfillment.

To get away from/avoid this in the future, try seeing if the symbol or imagery you're trying to use works first in a literal sense, as what it is before it serves to mean anything else, otherwise, chances are you'll lose your readers in the ever shifting tangle. After all, poetry is half expression and half reaching out, taking the reader by the hand, and guiding them through the contents of your mind and/or soul.


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