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Sort Of...Poetry Things
Please don't laugh at me! It's not actually that often I write poetry...
One tiny flood of a crushing symphony As I breath softly beneath stormy waters the winds of bitterness blow fast over the withered heath of life/ And I think you robbed me of sweetness, so let this lie live in death like a thousand petals falling into the aching void. |
But why would we laugh? that was lovely. I loved the vivid imagery. Keep writing. It's well worth reading.^^
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Thank you, Angel! that means a lot to me :D
Though the dark Endless eon's creep, awaken me form endless sleep through life, so dreary, Rest not, the weary, awaken now, form slumberless sleep The shadows like a rose unfold, crawling fourth from mankind's first mold The horrors that belie untold What god is this, unmerciful doubt to not cast shadows out We are left to our self defend against our own dreadful, bitter end no divine powers left to lend our mortal doubt to us is left our own sanity is fading, bereft Seeping, threatening darkness comes leaving only the sound of drums Humanity, what is left succumbs to our astral fate it is too late. |
You seem to have a need to write with words that folks often throw out there when they start working with poems. Fate, astral, eons, etc. and I've also noticed a certain fondness for the word symphony in your work. These words are undoubtedly fun, they make things sound cool and, admittedly, they have their places. However, while they fit well enough in the second piece, in the first the descriptions seem almost at odds. One interesting idea floats into another that doesn't quite fit with it, the pieces not quite working to make a truly cohesive whole, which leaves the reader with the sense of missing out on some sort of fulfillment.
To get away from/avoid this in the future, try seeing if the symbol or imagery you're trying to use works first in a literal sense, as what it is before it serves to mean anything else, otherwise, chances are you'll lose your readers in the ever shifting tangle. After all, poetry is half expression and half reaching out, taking the reader by the hand, and guiding them through the contents of your mind and/or soul. |
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