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please don't steal I am planing on making this a book
this is going to be bad but please don't tell me it is bad because it is going to be draw out so it is not ment to be read. the only reason it is up was because I need gold alright.
INTRO A demon howls in the background and wakes up a girl (???) at midnight, panicking. “Where am I?” she nervously looks around and sees a necklace that said (Alex). (???) “Am I this Alex?” There was some dark red stuff on it, was somewhat warm. She looked little harder that the spot she found the necklace, she an arm without a body. “AHHHH” She runs as fast as she can in the opposite way of the arm. (Time pass) She stops near a rock in the early morning now “huff huff.” She starts to breathe hard. She smells something good, and follows it. What is that most yummy smell?” (More time pass) (???): “NO DEMONS IN THE VILLAGE OF ODD” (Alex): “If I see any demons I’ll tell them not to go there.” (???): “What the hell, are you talking about you the demon!” (Alex): “Ooooh what is a demon?” (???): “You don’t know what a demon is?” (Alex): “Nope I don’t know what a demon is.” (???): “Are you Joking?” (Alex): “No I don’t think I am...am I” (???): “You… are… a…a…DEMON” (Alex): “You still have not answer me, what is a demon and why do I have to be the demon there?” (Like it is a big deal) (???): “You really don’t k now what a demon is.” (Alex): “I just said that Mr. ...I did not catch your name.” (???): “I did not give it.” (Alex): “So …what’s your name?” (???): “Do you need to know my name?” (Alex): “Hmmmmmm yes I do.” (???): “Why do you need to know my name?” (Alex): “Because I want to know that’s all.” (???): “…Ken.” (Alex): “That’s a great name. Kenny.” (Ken): “MY NAME IS KEN NOT KENNY!” (Alex): “Did we get off subject somewhere?” (Ken): “Oh yeah you don’t know what a demon is.” (Alex): “Right” (Ken): “You must have amnesia.” (Alex): “What is that?” (Ken): “What do you remember?” (Alex): “I woke up, and (I will not tell him about the arm I found) I smelled the yummiest smell that you can ever smell. All I want is a big bowl of the …good smelling stuff.” (Ken): “How long ago did you smell this smell?” (Alex): “Not long ago, why?” (Ken): “You got amnesia.” (Alex raised her hand) “It is when you can’t remember anything of your life.” (Alex put her hand down) (Alex): “So tell me about demons and humans.” (Ken): “You are a human like demon that looks like a human but you are not, for more than one reason. A human like demon which is extremely rare demon.” (Alex raised her hand) “What is it?” (Alex): “Why do I have to be the demon can you be the demon?” (Ken): “The difference between us is your ears on top of your head, mine are on the sides. You have a tail I do not, and you have claws I do not. You have birthmarks on your neck and hips. Alex you have silver hair and humans cannot get that hair color natural most people have black like me or brown. Your eyes are red all people have one of these colors of eyes: blue, green, and brown. Oh yes I forgot that demons eats humans, but we only eat animals that are not smart and fruits veggies.” (Alex makes a face) “What is it?” (Alex): “I don’t want to eat you!” (Ken): “Tough cookie, that’s what demons do, they eat human.” (Alex): “I don’t want to be a demon. I am now and forever human.” (Ken): “You can’t change that your born to be that is impossible to do.” (Alex): “What if you don’t know what you’re born to be so you can change what you’re born to be so there!” (Ken): “You can’t physically change what you are born to be, like I can’t change that I am human and you can’t change that you are a demon.” (Alex): cry loudly “Waaaaaa, waaaaaa, waaaaaa!” (Ken): “What is it?” (Alex): “I am not even there for 10 minutes and a got my best friend yelling at me waaaaaa.” (Ken): “We’re friends?” (Alex): “Yes we’re friends. You are the first person that I have ever meet, so we must be friends right. …Oh can I come home with you.” (Ken): “Wwwwowhat!” (Alex): “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!” (Ken): (Thinking … (passing time) … bad idea. Absolutely Bad idea!) “Don’t you want to know what that smell was because I might know that it is?” (Alex): “Really you know that it is?” (Ken): “Come with me.” if people like this I will get chapter 1 |
Hm, the way you wrote this, with the names before the sentences in the dialogue makes it more of a script of a play than a story/book. Same goes for things like (more time pass) - which should be passes ;) - and I don't really understand why you have questionmarks with brackets around them in the middle of sentences.
I also noticed several grammatical errors, like 'more time pass' instead of 'more time passes' and '[...]I might know that it is?' which should have been 'what it is'. The idea of the story could be interesting, but the way it's written gives very little details, a few sentences of 'Introduction', followed by a long dialogue with characters we do not know in a setting we do not know without any actual explanation of what is happening. To give a small example: Quote:
A story would me more along those lines: "No demons in the village of Odd!" someone shouted. "Well, if I see any demons, I will tell them not to go there," Alex replied. Usually, there would have been more description there, too. Maybe a description of their surroundings, the thoughts of one of the characters, the way they acted. It might be an interesting plot, though. I can't really judge it, however, because it is currently difficult to follow: little to no background information and mostly dialogue between an unknown character and a character with amnesia. |
it is going to be draw in to a manga so the the description of their surroundings are going to be show
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I see. If it's going to be drawn, there are a lot of details that will be shown there that are not in this written version, which means I can still not judge the storyline.
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As a story, it's not very well written. There isn't nay detail about what's going on. It's hard to follow written word without descriptions to go with the script. I think it does have potential though so just keep working with it.
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