Fighting with myself
 

It's like a constant battle with myself. I feel as if I am going insane. So I am really fighting with myself over my gender identity issues again. If you really want to read what sums up my issues you can HERE

Yes, there is a bit of reading in that blog post.

I want to remain as androgynous as possible on one hand but on the other hand I am tempted to start hormonal treatments. I just don't feel like I really am myself as I am and I am having a hard time finding myself.

Can't you decide who you want to be?

I guess it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't really relate with gender identity issues. It's not a simple thing and it's pretty rough to try to even figure it out. It's like your spirit and mind are one way and your body doesn't match your gender. It causes me to really dislike my body, especially the fact that I have breasts and look like a woman. It' not a simple "Oh I wish I could change this about my body", it's more like being forced into a body that I am not comfortable in. I guess that's the best way to explain it.

It's also not easy to just switch over because hormones do psychically change you. That part I wouldn't mind but the whole thing about the transitioning is something that I am not sure that I want to go through since it can be pretty rough. I mean a cross dressing woman is a lot more accepted than a female to male transsexual.

I can kinda relate because I don't really feel my gender 24/7 either and I know a girl who hates her chest as well.
I think honestly the best way (if you weren't against it) would be getting a reduction to a flat chest so you wouldn't have to hide it with layers. As for "advice on hiding it" she usually wears really baggy shirts.

As for the gender problem, just be you. One day you might feel masculine, be masculine, while another day you might be feminine, then be feminine, and when you want to be neutral, be neutral. =) it's not a matter of picking, but a matter of living how you feel. I generally (aside from with public restrooms of course) don't even have it cross my mind what gender I am.

Just find out who you are by being you, forget gender, forget age, forget what era you're in, and be how you were born to act, not how society thinks you should.

(If I missed the point sorry... if so lemme know where I'm off or where I can explain more)

Nope, you got it for the most part. I really hate the layering thing and the Ace's since they can do rib damage and I worry about that all the time too. They also do not breathe well and are just nasty to deal with. Compressors are also horrible in the summer. I'm already pretty flat, barely a B. Can't say the thought of removing them all together has not crossed my mind more than a few times.

I try to just be who I am but I'm having a really hard time with it, especially lately because I stopped binding for a while and got used to people assuming I am a woman when I am not a woman. It honestly bothers me to be mistaken for a woman and that's the part that I am having problems with.

I would like to suggest the following website. What Is Gender? • Index page

They simply have more experience regarding it.

Trying to ask advice on this issue from people who do not share it is not unlike asking birdwatchers about flying.

Ah... so what bothers you is that you're being viewed as specifically a girl instead of as you right?

Well if you do have them removed if in the future you had a kid you wouldn't be able to nurse them without a bottle though.

Being a guy I think I'll have to research some of these things before I'll understand things like binding and "ace's", but I understand the irritation when people slap on a gender and view you based on it.

@ Sheo - not all of us are bird watchers yknow... =) that's why they asked

I can't say I entirely understand, but I've never really likied being a woman. A large part of the reason is that I don't want to be associated with all the negative female stereotypes that (I hate to admit it) many women continue to perpetuate. I worked construction for 3 years and while most of the guys were cool with it, I could tell most of them saw me as the woman on the jobsite instead of just another worker. There was only 1 person who I really felt saw me for me and not my gender (he recently moved and I'm actually struggling to deal with that "loss" even though he and I never saw each other outside of work).

I've also just never been like other women: I don't wear make-up (except on rare occasions), I don't do my hair, I don't do my nails, I HATE clothes shopping, but I love tools, fixing things, video games, and mechanical stuff. People think I'm a lesbian a lot even though I'm not (not that I have any problems with anyone being gay, I just don't like people making assumptions about me).

Basically, Mystic, if you need someone to talk to, I may not entirely understand, but I see where you're coming from wouldn't mind discussing.

Thanks guys! It really helps to have someone just listen and not be either against it or telling me to just do the hormone thing which is what I get with the transgendered group when I talk about it with them, not that there's anything wrong with that but I'm not too sure that's 100% what I want at this point.

Honestly unless you're trying to become 100% one gender hormones aren't that good of an idea... but then I think anything hormone related kinda pushes you from your true self

Yeah, I'm debatinng about the "becoming another person" thing aspect of it. I'm still back and forth because part of me wants that then the other part of me doesn't want to change that much.

Oh, I completely understand exactly what you're saying. A lot of people think it is a matter of struggling with "deciding", when it really is a process to figure it out. I'm a genderqueer individual myself. And it is a struggle, you may not be transgendered, but it is possible you are bigendered. You feel you fit both gender roles. Or - that you are agendered, you fit neither role.

The hard part of it is people in person think it is some sort of joke. As for advice -I do not recommend hormonal treatment unless you are absolutely serious about becoming the other gender. If not - then I would encourage a binding shirt - they're approximately thirty dollars online, and are a very easy thing to hide your chest with. I understand they work on basically any body time. Otherwise, baggy tops and layering.

Yeah, I get the whole "you're joking" thing from my mom especially. Either that or she tells me to act and dress more "lady like". I've always dressed as close to genderless as possible. Dresses and things like that, forget it. Right now I do the layering thing and I've used Ace bandages. I lost my bandages and I just feel like a freak with my chest only being hidden under layers but I do not get paid until Monday. I worry about my breasts being too visible even though I'm pretty flat chested. I know that probably sounds really weird to some people but it really does damage my self esteem to have them just be there. That and other things but there's only so much you can do without surgery.