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Critiques Welcome
So this is my attempt at a novel, the grammar is going to be kinda horrible as I am just trying to get it all down, and I will (hopefully) correct that all in the final edit after completion. I'm more looking for opinions on Plot, characters...etc..
Thank You for your Time! ^.^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Obnoxiously loud buzzing radiated off of the alarm clock, vibrating violently and bouncing on the night table. Alice rolled out of bed quickly, nearly taking out the nightstand in her alarmed state. Panicked eyes frantically searched the room for the time, meanwhile Alice pulled herself to her feet. Grabbing the alarm clock, spinning it around and pulling it near her face the bright green numbers illuminated her face. “Seven-thirty!” Alice threw her alarm clock in the direction of the night stand, hoping it would land in a some what organized place.Panicked thoughts ran through her head as she dressed herself in whatever articles of clothing were unlucky enough to have been hung in the utmost front of the closet. Wild thoughts ran through her head, and more wild excuses. Her teachers have heard it all, and sometimes they had heard too much. Alice use to tell excuses of car eating termites and homework hunting pirates, of course, this was grade three - but in high school you have to do much better then that. With only five minutes before the bus arrived Alice was glad she did not wear make up, running into the bathroom she grabbed her toothbrush, and snatched the toothpaste. With a wicked smile on her face, and a poorly chosen outfit, she prepared to brush her teeth for a solid two minutes. Alice may not be the most punctual, but she was always on schedule for brushing her teeth. When she was small her mom use to lock her in the bathroom for two minutes to brush her teeth every day, two times a day. Alice quickly grew accustomed to brushing her teeth for two minutes, there was not much to do other wise. Raising her head in victory, she faced the mirror with pride. The thud of the toothpaste and toothbrush falling to the ground was nothing compared to the ear splitting scream that bellowed from the horrified girl. In the mirror is what she feared most, the night before she had tried on several looks, they included make up. Heavy eye liner, and eye shadow - lip stick and blush marked her face, but not enough to cover the shock. Her skin turned three shades lighter and her eyes narrowed, focusing in on the enemy. Trembling lips opened up slowly, and her shacking hands tightened themselves around the warm and cold taps. “What happened to my face!” Alice pulled the taps around, and the water rushed out to await two hands. Handfuls of water met her face, along with soap and a few other unnamed products. The blush came off quickly, and a warm cloth quickly dispatched off the bright red lipstick and blue eye shadow. Closing the taps and sitting on the rim of the bath tub she continued to rub her face, her skin growing ever more irritated and turning a bright red. Opening her eyes and lowering the makeup encrusted towel she gazed into the mirror. Her eyes drew in closer on the last remnants of the night, the eye liner refused to be removed. Standing slowly and dropping the towel on the floor, crazy eyes stared down the mirror. Throwing her arms at the mirror, which was also the door for the cabinet, and shaking it an a more then violent way Alice began her day as she did at school. Over dramatic statements and exaggerated circumstances. “Why do you hate me?” Alice stared intently into the mirror, as if she thought it would make some kind of witty reply. It did. Out of the cabinet rolled the eye liner she had used the night before, it rolled ever so slowly along the floor and stopped at her feet. Releasing her death grip on the mirror she leaned over and picked up the rebellious eye liner. Metallic letters reflected the bathroom light, catching Alice’s eyes. Turning the tube of eye liner the words could now be clearly read. Alice closed her grip tightly on the eye liner tube and clenched her teeth, she took in a few deep breathes before reading the words aloud. “Water Resistant Eye Liner.” Alice closed her eyes and dropped her lefty arm, tightly squeezing the tube of eye liner in her right hand. “Water proof...” Alice took a few more deep breathes before opening her eyes. “The one time I wear make up, and it conspires against me!” Alice tossed the eye liner tube into the trash and then grabbed the toothbrush and toothpaste off the floor. The tooth brush was just disgusting now, and it made a friendly neighbour to that war bound eye liner and helped to fill the waste bucket. The toothpaste was fortunate enough to have been placed on the edge of the bath tub, near a make up encrusted towel no less. Alice stumbled slowly out of the bathroom, her eye liner had absorbed just enough water to run down her face, she resembled a raccoon. She walked into her closet door, not realising she had left it open in the rush of the moment. Alice slammed the closet door closed, and turned her head in an almost demonic way to the alarm clock. The numbers blinked in an almost mocking way, the numbers even seemed a brighter green. “Seven forty,” Alice took in a deep breathe, “I was in the bathroom for ten minutes. And got no where!” Alice had tears forming in her eyes, she stomped out of her room, until she approached the stairs. “Mom...” Alice swallowed the lump in her throat, and made her way into the kitchen. The last time she was late for school her mom made her wash the car - with her own toothbrush. Of course she did not have to use it after, but it was still scarring. “I missed the bus.” Alice closed her eyes and clenched her teeth tightly, she prepared herself to be yelled at until her mom went blue in the face, and her mom use to yodel as a hobby. “I'm sorry! It will never happen... a third time!” Alice began to cry, tears running down her face she clenched her hands in a fist until her knuckles turned white. Yet, the house remained silent, there was no yelling, there was nothing. Opening her eyes slowly there was a bright pink note on the fridge with some strange scribblings on it, her mom had horrid hand writing. Alice read the note aloud to herself, she also did that while studying or when she was alone.”Dear Alice,” Alice laughed and rubbed the tears out of her face, the letter was strangely formal. Her mom was always trying to ‘stay hip’ saying something from the eighty’s would have been more her style. Still, Alice read on. “I got called into work today, I'm very sorry. We were supposed to go shopping as it is your first day off school, some activity day for the new kids is what you told me. Anyways, I hope we can reschedule tomorrow if you aren't busy with your friends. Enjoy the Friday to yourself! Though - don’t trash my house.” Alice’s right eye twitched slightly, and she squeezed the paper to the point beyond recognition. Breathing heavily, her face went read and she looked much more tense then usual. “No... school...” Alice remained in her awkward state for a few more moments, almost frozen in time. Bringing up her other arm she tore her mothers note in half, “I went crazy... for nothing...” Alice sat abruptly on the floor for a few moments, still incapable of truly understanding what she had just read. Forcing herself off the ground, she clung to the fridge, the two halves of torn paper still in her hands. “I need to sleep.” Alice stumbled up the stairs, tripping awkwardly over most of the steps. Reaching her room she walked in, looking around for something, but she was not sure what. Approaching her bed she fell forward and finally released the two halves of her mothers note. Pulling her blankets over her head, she quickly set her alarm clock for noon. At that time she would eat lunch, and hopefully go out with a friend. This morning made it clear make up was evil, but she needed a new tooth brush. Opening sleepy eyes Alice threw her blankets off of her head. Rolling onto her back her stomach was sore from a rather unusual sleeping position, she usually slept on her side. Rolling off of the bed, and carrying on with her feet, she made her way for the bathroom. Still a little drowsy Alice took a seat on the bathtub rim. An uncomfortable, squishy feeling could be felt underneath her. Sitting up and turning to the mirror she could see she had sat on the toothpaste she had left their earlier this morning. Sighing she rolled her eyes. “No deed goes unpunished today I see.” Alice laughed, and grabbed some toilet paper from the hanger. Scrunching up a large roll she wiped up the minty mess and showed the paper into the toilet. Flushing quickly, the sounds the toilet made were less then pleasant or even natural. Lifting the lid Alice did not see the water rising and everything seemed fine, walking back into her room she walked into her closet. Trading a red ruffled skirt for some blue skinny jeans and her purple sweater for a red t-shirt she let out a massive yawn. Stretching a little she made her way down the stairs, this time careful as to not fall and injure herself. Grabbing an apple and some loose change off the counter top Alice thought it best to go out to eat. If she were to dirty the house in any way, her mom would look into medieval torture. Passing by the large mirror in the entrance of the house she brushed her hair and examined herself thoroughly. “If I am going to eat out I think I’ll walk.” Talking to herself as she slipped on her black high heel boots she stumbled out of the front door. “That has gotta balance its self out somehow.” Alice laughed to herself as she closed her front door, locking it carefully. Turning around and walking down her stone path, which she set this summer, she noticed a couple of cute boys walking by her. She could not help but blush, she was always terrible at hiding her feelings and an even worse liar. Ever since Alice was small she wanted to have a wonderful boyfriend, of course, her mom said she would send her off to a convent first. One of the boys stood out more then the other, and Alice could not help but feel a connection with him. His black hair and green eyes were alluring and he was wearing a nice t-shirt with some skinny jeans as well. “That is definitely my type. “ Alice cleared her throat, as quietly as possible, and continued her walk down the drive way. Almost too close to the boy she could see that his skin was well taken care of, it was in better condition then her own. Opening her mouth slowly, she barely managed to say what she did. “Hi, I... I’m Alice.” A rush of red ran over her face, and she could feel the physical effects of the embarrassment, her speech one of the most obvious effects. The boy turned his gorgeous head and smiled at her, that alone nearly killed her. Alice waited for the boys to walk down the street and then fell to her knees. “I totally embarrassed myself!” Alice covered her eyes with her hands and yelled much louder then she should have. Uncovering her eyes, a woman was pushing her child to walk faster then it looked like he could. “I'm,” Alice stood up quickly, trying to brush herself off and preserve some dignity. “I'm not crazy!” Alice waved her arms fanatically, slowly coming to the realization it would not help her dispute insanity. Alice pushed her light brown hair back in place and held it their firmly with some spare bobby pins. Alice took off on a leisurely stroll to the mall, which was coincidentally only several blocks away. Her light brown eyes looked divine when it was bright outside, they looked very clear. Pure almost. Alice turned the corner and her stomach rumbled, of course the man walking by her could over hear the less then flattering sounds. Alice blushed again, turning her head to the man who had walked by her. “I'm sorry.” Alice turned to him nervously and smiled, turning around she almost walked into a little girl. “Oh! I'm so sorry!” Alice covered her mouth in shock, she almost ran down a little girl on the sidewalk. Today was just one of those days, one of those days in which Alice would embarrass herself at almost every opportunity. Stopping at the flower shop, their was a tall man wit a leather jacket buying a bouquet of roses, “If only...” Alice sighed and placed her hand on the shop window, turning her attention to the man as he left. He had such a smile on his face. “Love is an exclusive club.” Alice laughed subtly, she read that in a magazine a few days ago, a magazine about finding love ironically. Alice slipped her hand into her pocket, and felt the cool change sitting their patiently, waiting to be spent on something. “I almost forgot! I was going to get something to eat!” Alice rubbed her head, shocked she would remember to eat. Turning away from the store window she sprinted off in the direction of the mall. Making sharp turns at every chance she got, slipping in and out of the crowded side walks and taking some back alleys it took her half the time to get to the mall. “The Grand Market Mall.” Alice laughed quickly and ran towards the revolving doors, the mall had such an unoriginal name. Throwing her hands out in front of her to push the revolving doors she could hear someone yelling in the background. “The revolving doors are broken!” The loud booming voice of a man dressed in orange seemed to ambush her, it scared her mostly. Pulling away quickly from the revolving doors she could feel the strong grip of someones hand on her arm. It pulled on her hastily away from the doors and prevented her from getting hurt. “Thank you,” Alice took a few deep breathes, bent over and gasping for air. It was not that she wasn’t out of shape, but she certainly was not in shape. “Thank you.” Alice just kept thanking this person, unaware of who it was. “Your welcome.” The voice was that of a boys, but it was very soft and sweet, it was so soothing. “You should really be more careful. I saw you hurt yourself on the drive way earlier.” The voice turned to laughter, but it was not a cruel laughter, it was friendly. Alice’s face turned a beat red, he had seen her trip on her drive way and now he helped her avoid some kind of injury. Alice quickly pulled herself up, practically throwing herself. “Wait a minute, there were only two people there when I...” Alice instantly stopped speaking when she saw the face of the one that had helped her, his hand still holding her arm. “You;re that cute guy I saw outside my house!” Alice gave a wicked smile, she had remembered him. She rarely remembered things, especially faces. The boy stood quietly as she smiled, it was kind of an awkward smile, but not threatening in any way. “I'm that cute guy?” The boy smiled sweetly, everything he did was cute, the way he spoke and even moved. A tad of red covered his cheeks, he seemed to be a little embarrassed. His friend in which he was walking with earlier was laughing the entire time, nearly on the ground, incapable of retaining his view on the scenario. Alice’s face went even darker, at this point she was about ready to die of embarrassment. Something she thought to be entirely possible. “I,” Alice began to take a few deep breathes and covered her mouth with her available arm. “I said that out loud?” Alice’s voice was mumbled behind her hand but could still be heard clearly. “I cant believe I said that!” Alice pulled her arm away from his hand and ran in through an open door. “Thanks again!” Alice waved her arm quickly as she made her way for the escalator. Nearly knocking down other people to get a step that was around the half way point to the next floor. Trying desperately to catch her breathe, she stepped off the escalator with a feeling of relief. She may have embarrassed her self beyond redemption, and almost died in the process, but it was a learning experience. Alice did not spill anything on him, break any of his bones or anything else she had done before. Alice was having a horrible day, her luck was terrible. Usually she was clumsy, but today was just a disaster. At least in the case of boys, she is getting over her nerves slowly, even if just a little bit. “I can talk to them now.” Alice whispered to herself as she stepped off of the escalator and headed for her favourite store. They focused around girls clothes, but it was very basic. Alice liked to be basic, drawing attention to herself is something she did all to easily on her own, her clothes need not help her in that department. Casually walking in she grabbed one of the gifts at the entrance, they were free and had a cute key chain on them. Alice could always give the makeup included to her mother, she had enough of makeup for a long time to come. Slipping the small box into her back pocket and continued on with her stride behind the managers desk. Alice felt very comfortable here, and heading into the section marked, ‘employees only’, she grabbed a key off the hangar and sunk into a chair near some boxes. Leaning her head back slowly she closed her eyes and crossed her legs. “I'm hopeless.” Alice pulled up her hands and placed them on her face, hiding her shame from the rest of the universe. “I can’t believe I said those things out loud, and I acted like a lunatic.” Alice dragged her hands down her face, pulling down her skin as some kind of attempt to waken herself up. Or at least that was her story behind it. A bright flash nearly blinded her as she waved her arms around randomly, yelling, “I'm blind! I'm blind! I cant see a thing!” The laughing of a girl could be heard from a few feet in front of her. “Your not blind, its only a picture.” The girl was still laughing, forcing her words out as she seemed incapable of controlling herself. “Are you,” the laughing slowly subsided and the screeching sound of metal on the floor could be heard. “Are you talking about a boy? What did you do?” The girl seemed all to happy in Alice's misfortune, in her inability to speak to the opposite sex. Leaning in closely the girl was almost on top of Alice, her bright smile nearly reaching both sides of her face. Alice opened her eyes slowly, pushing away the strange girl, the one she talked to everyday. “Sal, you're so nosey.” Alice laughed and pushed her back into her chair, presumably the grinding nose came from dragging the metal bottom across the concrete floor. Alice and Sally had always been good friends, Sally was the relationship guru in which Alice needed constant guidance from. “It actually was not that bad Sal. I didn't spill anything on him or anything like that.” Alice laughed again, she knew it was kinda sad when her best involved not spilling things on people. Sally leaned back in her chair and smiled. “Well I’m glad you did not spill anything on him, but who is he?” Sally leaned forward again, clinging onto Alice’s arms. “Was he cute? Do I know him? What’s he like?” Sally fell backwards into her seat, giddy with joy. “Oh how I love our gossip sessions.” Alice rolled her eyes before turning back to Sally. “He is just some guy I ran into, but not literally.” Alice laughed for a moment and glanced over at Sally's wide grin. Alice had a strange sense of humour, one Sally got perfectly. “I embarrassed myself in front of him at my house. At the bottom of my drive way.” Alice scratched her head in embarrassment and smiled, she thought back to the little incident she had earlier today. Alice turned to Sally and was about to continue on about the mishap outside the mall when she nearly went into shock. Covering her mouth with her hands her eyes opened widely. Sally’s face turned very serious as they trailed off the topic of Alice embarrassing herself on her drive way. “What? What happened?” Sally prepared herself for somber news, sitting on the edge of her seat and leaning forwards. “Tell me already!” Sally raised her voice slightly as she stared intently at the seemingly broken Alice. Alive felt light headed, it was like the embarrassment was never ending. “I told him my name and,” Alice looked directly at Sally, staring intently. “He knows where I live.” Alice covered her mouth in shock, she felt about ready to lie down on the ground and pass out. “That’s it?” Sally could barely hold back the laughter, chuckling as Alice had some kind of mental crisis. “You think that is bad? That's great! Maybe he will pass bye.” Sally giggled at the news, she obviously thought it was fantastic, something to celebrate but Alice was still beating herself up on this one day. Alice pulled herself out of her seat, feeling completely defeated. She had grown so tired of embarrassing herself. Sure, it made for funny stories on the bus or something to share with her mom, but it always happened. It was not a rare occurrence, but almost a daily phenomenon. Alice dragged her feet as she left the store, hanging the key where it once was. Passing by the gift rack Alice stared at all the clear boxes, and took out her own from her back pocket. She quickly exchanged it for a box with a cuter key chain, maybe that could cheer her up. Continuing her depressing walk throughout the mall. Coming across the food court she ordered a cheese burger and some large fries. She skipped out on her drink, fearing she may spill it on herself. Alice glanced over at all of the tables, but decided she would eat as she walked home. Tossing the wrapper into the trash Alice held the burger with a napkin. Cradling it carefully as she devoured it quickly, her stomach was probably overjoyed that it had something to digest. Turning the corner she had already taken all the shortcuts and was home, her fries almost gone entirely. Walking up her driveway she could still see her little fall, it was going to be one of those haunting experiences. Pulling on the door, she remembered it had been locked, sliding the key out of her pocket she jammed it into place. The door had a nasty habit of sticking. Pulling on the door handle she headed for her room, closing the door behind her. Almost as soon as the door closed the phone in her room rang, she had left her cellphone at home. Running up the stairs and nearly tripping over the vacuum, which she forgot to put away last night, she grabbed her phone and answered. For a moment it was silent and Alice came to the conclusion she missed the call, readying to end the call she heard a faint voice. “Hello?” The voice sounded nervous, so it could not have been Sally. At the same time it could not have been her mother, she would have been much louder then that. “Yes?” Alice replied with some attitude, growing tired of this long day. She missed breakfast and replaced lunch and dinner with a hamburger and some fries. “Never mind, Its nothing.” The call ended and the phone started its irritating beeping noise, signaling the end of the call. “They hung up on me?” Alice stared at the phone, its monotone ringing more then annoying. “They called me.” Alice wore a puzzled expression, hanging up the phone as she went through the day in her head. This weekend would consist solely of eating and watching sad movies, maybe some reading. Alice pulled the covers up around her and turned the light on her nightstand on, sitting momentarily before sighing and leaning against the beds headboard. Alice’s lazy eyes searched the room, she had cleaned it extraordinarily well the night before. Sighing again she covered her mouth with her hand, and rubbed her eyes with her other. “It’s been a long day Puff.” Alice grabbed a teddy bear off her nightstand, it was obviously very old and she snuggled him for a few moments. “I made a fool of myself today Puff, you should have seen it.” Alice smiled and laughed, pushing Puff’s eye back into place. It was very worn down, the fur was a dark brown compared to the light brown it once was. A patch of fabric replaced the missing chunk of fur on his back. His one real eye, and his other button eye, were both falling out of place. Regardless of the teddy bears deplorable state, Alice refused to let him go. “Its okay Puff, this week-end will be just you and me. Sitting in bed, and watching movies.” Alice smiled, sliding under the covers after turning off the lamp on the nightstand. Quickly dozing off to sleep, the night passed quickly. The morning brought a bitter sweet call, while Friday was finally over with, the weekend now begins. Crawling out of bed Alice remembered to have breakfast, and suffered through her mothers interrogation techniques, insisting that she saw it on T.V and had to try it. Alice promised her mom she would go shopping some other time, constantly re assuring her she was not depressed but needed some time to herself. The day consisted heavily of movies and almost no interaction with people, aside from her mother, who wanted the vacuum put away. Alice insisted heavily upon doing it on Sunday, and her mom agreed begrudgingly. Saturday came to a quick end, and Sunday reared its head. Sunday morning was busy, Alice ate some toast as she put away the vacuum and helped organize the living room. Heading to her room she cleaned up her bathroom, thankfully her mom had not used it as the remnants of toothpaste dried to a near rock state on the rim of the tub. Putting the used paper towels into the waste basket Alice remembered she had not gotten herself a new tooth brush, but her mom always had spares. That day she infiltrated her mothers room and grabbed one of the spare toothbrushes in which she would replace later, if she remembered. Ending the day with some movies, and setting the outfit for tomorrow out, she settled to sleep and set her alarm clock. Puff was placed on top of the alarm clock, he did a great job of absorbing the blow, and preventing the use of the snooze button. |
Alice seems a little unrealistic. For one thing, why does she have such an intense dislike for make-up? Another is she is so frantic, even when she finds out she has the day off that it makes me dizzy. Try slowing the pace a little? Or maybe use less energetic words to always describe her. I'm not sure.
I can't really comment on plot, since it's just begun. Her Mom also seems a little too extreme. Parents can be mean, but they're usually not wicked witch mean. I hope this helps. Feel free to ask if you need more help, or if you've put more up! I'd also like to read it once the grammar is fixed, because I think that might change it a little. |
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