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Sae's Poetry
Love, My Love
Love, my love Please don't leave me Can't you see me crying? I love you Forever I have And always will Love, my love Please don't leave me You won't see me cry Because I bottle it up inside This is my release This is my relief Love, my love Please don't leave me But I won't be the one To hold you back I don't want you to be miserable So I'll take the pain In your stead Love, my love Please don't leave me I'll be lonely without you But do what you must For I'll love you No matter where you are What you do Love, my love I'll be with you And though you're gone You'll be in my heart And my soul And though you're gone Our love will still shine Like the sun And so... And so she stands Last of her kind In a bitter ice land Where nothing can exist And so she walks This snow white queen In a bitter ice land Where she reigns alone And so she stares Up at the full moon In a bitter ice land Where there is no sun And so she finds A wanderer In a bitter ice land Where there should be no life And so she watches As the sword falls In a bitter ice land Where her reign is over And so she falls This queen in white In a bitter ice land Red falls on white. What is Love? Love is being able to see past a person’s facade to the person within It is being able to be attracted to the person within because and regardless of their faults Love is the refreshing sense of a cool breeze on your face during a hot summer day It is the breath of life, the water to a parched soul Love is said to conquer the most terrible of fights the largest tribulations Love is naught but love and the strength of the person determines the strength of their love. The Day I sit I pray I wait for the day I'll see you again You laugh You smile You wait for the day I'll come back to you I live I laugh I dream of the day I'll next dream of you You stand You touch You think of the day I'll belong to you I falter I struggle I push off the day that I give you my everything You laugh You love You know that this is the day that I return your love |
Perhaps good pop songs, but in my brutally honest opinion, not good poetry. The first one is so repetitive that I kind of just want to get through the poem faster. You seem to use repetition--of ideas or exact words--in order to give some form to your poem. You need to trust your instincts and not just repeat the same idea or structure in every stanza, it is too formulaic and dead. A lot of cliches...but no way to help that. When you get to college take some poetry courses and that will guide you away from the cliches.
"And So" I feel has the most promise--it has some good emotion, but again buried in this repetetive language. Find more ways to say "bitter ice land" without actually repeating the same words. Some sage advice would be to steer clear of too many adjetives, because they tend to weigh down poetry...in the wrong way. The form for this poem is my favorite--nice stanza breaks--a little formulaic, but nice and even so your eyes are more attuned to the words of the poem itself--not how it looks. "What is love" has an awful title. Writing about love or romantic love is so cliche in itself that you really need to have fresh, new ideas. Consider the definitions you give in the poem to be metaphors, like the "cool breeze" on a "summers day," but instead try racking your brain and finding more original sentiments. The last poem I just think is awful--it is repetitive and relies on that for the entire body of the poem. You want your poems to mean something, and not just to be words that ostensibly look nice on a page. Good luck! ps: I will give an in-depth critique, analysis or help with ideas and editing on any poem, just ask. |
@Ode: Okay........seriously.......chill out. This isn't a place to completely rip someone's work you know. I know you are trying to give constructive criticism, but there's a nicer way to do it. You don't just go and say that somebody's piece is awful. You complain about her poems having repetitive language. did you ever consider the fact that might be her STYLE of poetry?
I think of poetry like pieces of visual art...there isn't one right way to go about it, and though there may be some aspects of a piece that someone may not think are really that good doesn't make the piece a terrible piece. You pretty much tore her pieces to shreds and called them awful. Do you really think that's a fair thing to do? Just because there are parts of her poems you didn't like doesn't mean her poems are awful. As I said, I know you were trying to give constructive criticism on her pieces, but with constructive criticism you don't tear someone's poetry apart and say that you think it's awful. With constructive criticism, you don't just talk about what you thought was bad and call a piece of poetry terrible. When people make comments like what you just made, people are less likely to post their stuff on sites like this so other people can see them. I know I'd be pretty upset at your critique if these were my poems and you made this comment about them. @Saerun: For my comment about your poems, I would have to say that "And so..." is my favorite out of them all, but I really do like all of your poems. I like the repetition that is in your poems quite a bit actually. It's a style, and I think it's a style that works well. ^^ |
Well Ode, I thank you for the useful parts of your criticism, which admittedly wasn't a whole lot. So if I get what you're saying, any poem with structure and repetition is *awful* because it follows a strict patter of repetition? Thank you, but that's not the kind of criticism I'm looking for. That is my style, and if you don't like it, that's too bad. But don't criticize me because that's my style and because you don't like it. If you don't like it, then just say you don't like it and leave it at that. Don't make your opinions facts.
Also, if you're going to criticize me for choosing to write about love, romance and "cliches" and not making it your definition of "fresh", then please just stop. I am *not* a professional writer, nor am I looking to be. I'm writing what's on my heart, as I believe that's what poetry should be about. Instead of saying "that's awful" and saying "don't do this", why not give what you would put instead, as that would actually be useful. Quote:
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Poems are not just free rhythm, free verse writings. Some have structure, some have rhyme, and some have repetition. Please don't bash me for my writing style, because of my choices to have structured poems, regardless of whether you like them or not. I thank you for the comment and at least taking the moment to read the poems, even though you didn't like them. |
You have a lot of potential, you just need a bit more work with the flow, and maybe delve a little deeper into the subject. Also, a thesaurus is a great thing to use. Just a recommendation, not trying to be catty!
I do admit 'What Is Love' probably wasn't the best choice, though it makes sense why you chose it. But I only say that because when I read the title, my mind finished with "Baby Don't Hurt Me", which, I'm ashamed to say, overshadowed the depth of the poem. Other than that, awesome job; I can't wait to see you WRITE MORE!!! |
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest your poetry was awful...in fact, I said that just about the title. I don't help people who I think have potential as poets. I have a degree in poetry and working on my MFA in poetry (not to blow myself, but so you know where I come from), and believe me my poetry gets COMPLETELY destroyed on a daily basis...you got to have guts to put yourself out there. I only give honest advice, and perhaps not all of my critique was useful, but I do hope you consider trying new things...I'm not trying to change anyone and PLEASE, PLEAAAASE continue to write about love! I never said not to...just to try to think of new ways to say things.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh, but I'm not going to say things like "I like this poem. I think it has potential," and then not say HOW you can reach that potential. To me that's like a pointy stick in the eye. I really resent the people who thought my poetry was "wonderful!!!" in high school, knowing what I know now. Your style, if I can be a little more blunt, is not really a style. I am so, so sorry, but anyone could have written it. That's not necessarily bad...because that means that EVERYONE gets the emotions you're dishing out, but still, you want readers to say "wow..." and not forget the words you left with them. Quote:
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Anyway, I provided a sample edit, and I also have a couple more in-depth analytical statements about my favorite poem later (I hope this proves to be more helpful--sorry about the shortness before--I really think you have great potential or believe me I wouldn't have written anything at all). Edit of "What is Love" RETITLED: "The Question, The Answer" It is seeing the face through misted glass and your inside seize vice-like in your chest. It is the ocean resting her cool hands on your face, searing and blistering all day, to no relief. It is water to the arid land at the center of the soul; it is the window to the sun when all the word's doors lock you out in the dark. It is a discarded can washed ashore, minnows dashing to and from its shade. It is the nameless named, the unknown known, the hidden talisman in the unwalked dirt path ahead of us. ***(pardon if I do not quote the revision as significant changes have been made from the original)*** This is ONLY A TEMPLATE of an IDEA that you DO NOT NEED to follow. I kept your form, which does have that really interesting repeating "It is" which comes across as a really strong sentiment--a statement of being. In the end, I see love as something in itself--an answer to the question of itself. "What is love?" -- "It is." Something mistifying that cannot even simply be said--so I removed the word "love" altogether. I would like your readers to FEEL the word love. You know as well as I that Brit Spears uses "love" in every one of her songs (or whoev is popular in pop these days) and every celebrity that has had seven marriages probably told each and every one of their lovers that word. I want you to really think about the word--what images do you see? Are they only of romantic love? I saw a vision of a disgusting can that fell out of a landfill--but even in that reckless abandon of humanity, animals find love for that shed of human gluttony--it is an odd sort of love, a kind that breeds life in the darkness, a kind that feeds off cruelty, but it is still an image of love. There are millions of them. Like...take a moment out of time with your lover. When have you felt most loved? Was it when he said he loved you? Maybe your heart raced, but wasn't it instead that you loved the infliction in his voice, the trembling lip as he formed the words, the unsteady rhythm of his heart? And then take that one step farther--how would you describe that moment? I've learned over the years that a metaphor--an image--is worth tons more than an adjective or an abstraction. "Love," "beauty," "heart," "enduring," "sweetness," "purity," "loneliness" don't mean very much, because they've been used so often that their power has been stripped...especially if you REPEAT it so often. Repetition is GREAT to DRIVE A POINT HOME, but not when you *really* want to make an impact. You want to reveal it at just the right time--make it a surprise to the reader. Anyway, what about instead of saying "heart racing" (which is cliche), why not "his heart washing into mine like waves upon an empty beach / the only matter in existence / the creation of the world, the universe." Now THAT would be true love, huh? Sorry to put it so bluntly before, but I really, really want you to get down to the essentials, find out what truly is important in this human existence, in the human experience--and write it! :) I chose "The Question, The Answer" as a fitting title (just a suggestion now), because, in my opinion, "what is love?" (aside from "what is the meaning of life?") really is THE question, huh? And in this poem, it's not about the question, but you're providing the ANSWER. Everyone already knows the question! ;) A little more about "And So..." First off, I love the title. It seems like the reader, myself, just got dropped in the middle of a story--I kind of like that. Makes me take a breath, prepare myself. Quote:
"Bitter ice land" kind of already insinuates non-existence, especially since you said "last of her kind." So already there's no humanity, and the emotional barren atmosphere created by those three words leave no doubt that there is nothing here but loneliness, making the last line unneeded. "Bitter ice land," your common repeating line, doesn't do much for the seasoned reader. It sounds cool, it is something you'll hear in a pop song. But I want more from you--I know you're capable. Again, ask yourself what is it about that setting that is so devastatingly isolating? Struggle with yourself--poetry is all about struggle--find those words. "Bitter ice land" can have different connotations, surprisingly enough, to different people. I think of ice skating and Iceland, the country. I remember a certain time of my life--a couple years ago, my 19th birthday--when I tried to kill myself by sitting out in the Vermont snow for hours. It was melodramatic and it didn't work, and I gave up and felt like an idiot. I am sharing this because I feel that the melodramatic tone of the peice might weigh down its true potential to reach the readers. I like it because I can relate, I see that heartache, that "nothing will ever be the same, I'm lost to everything in this bitter ice land," but we must try to get beyond the hysterics and self-pity to find the CORE of the poem. Quote:
a snow white queen / in a bitter ice land / where you reign alone", etc. Quote:
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I use "clear, blinding world" as an easy replacement for "bitter ice land" because it still heavily relies on adjectives, but it's the easiest transition to make. Think of what in an empty world would be the scariest, or most depressing, etc. I think of some place scorchingly bright, no room to hide the mistakes of the past, left with only yourself and your consciousness...depressing AND scary. So, hopefully that was a bit more helpful. Sorry I didn't do that from the beginning, I forgot I can't do short, to-the-point critiques on mene, it just wouldn't be fair to the writers who put themselves out there. Hopefully this gives a better sense of what the fricken eff I was even talking about. And...seriously. I don't even waste time commenting on poetry I don't like, that has no potential...so please take it as an extreme compliment that I was so "harsh"--I only do that for colleagues, and we hardly know each other or our individual poetic sensibilities. I'm starting another semester at grad school and thought I'd help out someone on mene after writing critiques for my peers, who are all used to destroying and resurrecting poems...so please don't hate me! haha. I do try my best! Ps: You do have serious potential. I am in one of the best writing schools in the country, so you can actually believe that. You're 21...take a few writing courses at your enrolled or local college. It will make a world of difference and a creative person like you will love it! ---------- *EDIT* hmmm...seems I did say that last poem was awful. Haha. Many, many pardons. I must have been a bit moody, a little too much to-the-point. But my commentary still stands. My adjective should have been a bit more thoughtful, however. |
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