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-   -   Short Storty WIP (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176961)

ReileeAve 01-05-2011 04:57 AM

Short Storty WIP
 
Just a work in progress. I'd love feedback and especially help with creating a title. My professor says my work has be really one note, so I'm branching out. It's not along the same lines as my usual stuff. I went for twisted-ness. I'm going to post one of my short stories here. This is within the rules to the best of my knowledge- *drum roll* Because sometimes, a girl just feels like writing.

~~~Standing in line, the roller coaster awaits. I see a young man in the line in front of me, amidst the clusters of the races. There’s a group of young white girls in their two-piece bikinis covered by short shorts and small tees; a group of Japanese teenagers who are here in the states enjoying a great vacation to America’s heartland. This one stands alone. I remembered standing in line while my friends ran to get ice cream, so I pondered whether that was what he was doing. He glances around every once in a while, just to see who is watching. He leans on the railing separating the front of the line from the rest. The queue moves.

Another batch of satisfied customers has come and gone. As they file past, one by one, laughing at one another’s faces on the video screen showing their pictures on the thrill ride, I can’t help but notice the boy that my eyes had been glued to. He was watching each girl who walked by and smiling. It was not a smile to be afraid of. It was a calm, attractive smile with only one flaw: his eyes told the story of a love so strong but hurt so terrible, one could only estimate the boys respect for the frailty of a young girl’s heart. I hesitate to take my eyes off the boy who I was so interested in watching, but I manage to look into the station of the roller coaster. There was another full train coming in, and one just leaving. The queue moves.

As more groups of people move by, the boy doesn’t bother to look this time. A group of teenagers wearing similar tee shirts excused themselves out of the queue, moving the line further along. I move closer to the boy, only two groups of friends separating us. Were almost to the station. He once again leans on the railing, this time looking out at the speeding cars on the freeway. He seems almost mesmerized, not even noticing a speeding train of screaming people soar along the track just above his head. It was clear to me now that he was not waiting for anyone; he was here on his own. I wondered if there was a reason. My first thought was that his friends were on a different ride, but then, remembering my teenage years and the different pains that I experienced, I discovered that he came to the park by himself. Whatever outside force had beaten his soul into the ground, he came here to disappear. To clear his mind. To breathe; to think. The queue moves. ~~

Iro 01-06-2011 06:23 AM

Hello, Reilee. I am not a writer in any way, but as a reader, these are my opinions from my personal standpoint. I've done beta work before, so I'm rather nit picky.

You do not have a very good flow of sentences, to be honest, and there are a few structural as well as grammar mistakes. I can see that you're trying to give a flair and feel to your work. However, the usage of some of the words are inappropriate in places, and they were quite disruptive while I was reading.

I think I get what you were trying to do at the end, but it is a little lacking in impact and it took me a few moments to understand what you were really going for. For a moment there, I thought the boy was wanting to "off himself". :lol:

I like what you have for the story, however. The short story has a faraway graphical feel I like in it, and if done well it would be a really nice read. The setting and roller coaster you have included in the story gives way for a good chance at symbolism, which you could elaborate on to add more oomph to the story. ;)

If you do not mind me nit picking, I could elaborate on which parts are bugging me and why. I have to warn you that it may sound a little harsh, though, but not intentional as I could just be a little blunt. :yes:

As for title suggestions, I would like to suggest "The Queue"? It seems to be the reoccurring theme in your paragraphs, I think it would be apt.

Amberoga 01-19-2011 08:00 PM

The overall view of the story is good. The only things that I would have to say is that in some parts the flow seams to fall away then pick up again which can makes your weighting appear a beet choppy. You could further explore the symbolism correlating with the ride, freeway, and line. I liked how you tied the paragraphs together with “The queue moves.” Thou you might also consider using something like “the line moves once more” or “we move again”

Other than those parts I found your short store to be quit enjoyable. ^^

fairywaif 01-23-2011 12:44 AM

I like it, but I feel like she should be snapped out of her dream world by her friends or by the boy actually going on the ride. It feels a little unfinished.

Everything else I think is already said, but good job! Excellent story.


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