Menewsha Avatar Community

Menewsha Avatar Community (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/index.php)
-   Writer's Conference (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=95)
-   -   How is my Prologue? (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181526)

Stress 03-21-2011 03:43 AM

How is my Prologue?
 
I recently wrote this sort of short introduction into my story. Not so much a prologue as just a little preview. I have no idea what to call it.

I just want your opinions on it.

Basically this guy has gone insane, and killed people before "contemplating".

Um, read please? (P.S Rebecca is someone he hurt but let live)

----------

Have you ever contemplated?

Just sat on your bed, and thought long and hard about what you want to do with yourself – to yourself?

(Yes, do it. Do it now. Do it now, now now now NOW!)

Have you ever thought of how a knife would feel scrapping down your inner-arm?

(Remember, it’s down the river, never across.)


Ever toyed with the fact you might be insane?

(You screamed, but no one helped you. You screamed and you screamed and you SCREAMED-)

I have.

That’s why I’m here now, lying on my bed drenched in blood that was only partially mine, holding up the blade that was still letting fall fat red droplets.

(Its dripping and it’s staining the carpet – oh what would mother say if she saw? The stain. The Stain. It’s staining the carpet!)

Wondering if it would feel cold. If it would be painful.

(Couldn’t hurt anymore if you tried.)

If I would suffer like them.

Like those who deserved it.

(They deserved it. They just watched, and they knew. They knew and they watched and they knew but THEY DIDN’T STOP-)

I’m thinking about how I got here –

(What happens to me after?)

- How many things could’ve been changed to prevent this –

(Will I see my Mommy?)

- And I arrive to the conclusion that –

(Will she see what I’ve done? Will she be proud?)

- Sometimes people are born to be hurt by others.

(Does she know that this was all for her?)

So I lie here to gather courage, to help speed the process of returning the two things I have taken away.

(Do you, Mommy?)

Peace and Normalcy.

(Mommy?)



I just hope Rebecca can cope.

Miss_Muffinz13x 07-18-2011 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stress (Post 1769262610)
I recently wrote this sort of short introduction into my story. Not so much a prologue as just a little preview. I have no idea what to call it.

I just want your opinions on it.

Basically this guy has gone insane, and killed people before "contemplating".

Um, read please? (P.S Rebecca is someone he hurt but let live)

----------

Have you ever contemplated?

Just sat on your bed, and thought long and hard about what you want to do with yourself – to yourself?

(Yes, do it. Do it now. Do it now, now now now NOW!)

Have you ever thought of how a knife would feel scrapping down your inner-arm?

(Remember, it’s down the river, never across.)


Ever toyed with the fact you might be insane?

(You screamed, but no one helped you. You screamed and you screamed and you SCREAMED-)

I have.

That’s why I’m here now, lying on my bed drenched in blood that was only partially mine, holding up the blade that was still letting fall fat red droplets.

(Its dripping and it’s staining the carpet – oh what would mother say if she saw? The stain. The Stain. It’s staining the carpet!)

Wondering if it would feel cold. If it would be painful.

(Couldn’t hurt anymore if you tried.)

If I would suffer like them.

Like those who deserved it.

(They deserved it. They just watched, and they knew. They knew and they watched and they knew but THEY DIDN’T STOP-)

I’m thinking about how I got here –

(What happens to me after?)

- How many things could’ve been changed to prevent this –

(Will I see my Mommy?)

- And I arrive to the conclusion that –

(Will she see what I’ve done? Will she be proud?)

- Sometimes people are born to be hurt by others.

(Does she know that this was all for her?)

So I lie here to gather courage, to help speed the process of returning the two things I have taken away.

(Do you, Mommy?)

Peace and Normalcy.

(Mommy?)



I just hope Rebecca can cope.

lovely :3

Beliar 07-20-2011 07:53 PM

This is really different, but its different in a good way. You did a good job on bringing the character to life and giving him a distinct voice. I can't think of any ways to improve it either. =3

Hikari_namikaze 07-21-2011 11:15 AM

I really like it. It's... unique, in a lovely way.

Superstition 02-11-2012 05:09 AM

Very good. It makes your heart twist, as if you were the character, feeling and thinking these things.

Cardinal Biggles 02-16-2012 03:51 AM

I'm going to lock this thread, the OP hasn't been on in some time...


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:08 PM.