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Feelings for an old friend
I don't know that I want advice, I just need to say this to somebody. I can't talk to friends because both groups of my friends are involved. And I can't talk to my family because they have no idea I'm bisexual. I suppose now would be a great time to get to the point...
I have been with my boyfriend for seven happy years. We are high school sweethearts who went to college together and plan to get married someday in the not-too-distant future. I love him with all my heart, but he is my first boyfriend. I've never really even kissed anybody else and I certainly haven't slept with anyone else. He knows I'm bisexual, accepts it, and even asks my opinions on the attractiveness of other women. But, if I seem to into it, he feels a little threatened. I hate making him feel inadequate (because he's not), but I can't help how I feel. The problem I have now is that I have feelings for my best friend. She and I have been super close since the eighth grade and if I hadn't been damnably shy (and in denial of my sexuality) I don't doubt we would have dated. Many nights I stayed over at her house; talking (and flirting) until the sun came up, and sleeping together, cuddling, in the same queen-sized bed. She also went to the same college as my boyfriend and I, so we have remained close. But because she and I were so busy we didn't get to see each other much. She dated other people (men and women), and it feels like that made her more careful around me. Even though I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend, I miss our flirting and care-free comfort with each other. I stayed at her house recently, and instead of automatically setting me up in her (same) bed, she put me out in the living room on the wood floor. I feel a little pathetic saying it, but I tried to cry myself to sleep. It didn't work because I was so uncomfortable on the floor. Eventually, secretly in tears, I dragged my pillows in like a child who had a bad dream and asked to sleep in her bed. She let me, but it just wasn't the same. I was fine (or at least accepted) just being friends since we're both taken now, but recently I had some...romantic...dreams about her. I've also been having fantasies and erotic dreams about additional women to rival those of a teenage boy! It's frustrating to say the least. I still have no desire to cheat on or break up with my boyfriend (I want to emphasize this), but it is a fond wish of mine to kiss her just once. I don't know that I want advice (though I won't turn it down), I just had to get this off my chest and Menewsha has been a supportive community for me thus far. Thank you for reading this far and for any words of wisdom you can offer. |
Wow, I wish I could provide some kind of useful advice but it's a difficult situation to be in. Have you ever tried discussing any of these feelings with your boyfriend? Also, are you his first everything as well? It might help to confide your fears and worries in him if he is an understanding individual and help you work out your feelings.
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I have never mentioned her specifically, but we have joked about me kissing girls and having a threesome (bad idea, I know. They were never serious suggestions). But he is a little paranoid sometimes that I'm going to leave him, so I try not to bring the subject up often and never with intention. I am his first everything as well and that makes this even harder. I may be able to bring it up gently, but it makes me so nervous that I'll just end up hurting him.
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It's a risk you might have to take for your sake. It doesn't hurt to discuss things, it's not like you're going to break up with him.
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Well... hmm... This is quite complicated indeed.
What I see as the most reasonable option: Ask his (then her/her significant other) permission to have one kiss/what you wanted to try that would be permitted. My reason is mainly that it will likely bug you and distract you always wanting to know what it would be like. Now, you said he may be worried/insecure, so I think talking to him for quite a while about this would be the best thing. What I've learned with my wife is that honesty is the best policy. Hey, you might even learn something about each other by talking about it. Also, another option... would be asking a "hypothetical question because you're curious", about what he'd think about it before talking about it. o.o Just my opinion though, but if my wife had something like that on her mind I'd rather her talk about it. |
The Wandering Poet: Thank you, you give sound advice. I think the hypothetical would be the best place to start for now. Just to test the waters.
Of course, even if he agrees, the issue becomes confessing my feelings for her. I'm not sure she even knows/believes I'm bisexual. The one time I mentioned it (granted this was back in high school) she didn't believe me. But, baby steps. I'm curious though, wouldn't you be jealous if your significant other suddenly confessed that they had been fantasizing about someone else? Someone not even of your gender? |
One thing that me and my wife have done in the past is to play a game with the questions. Say you ask one, then he asks one. It promotes honesty and it helps inspire topics to talk about.
Plus you'd be able to "secretly" find out how each other feel about something before deciding if it's a safe topic or not. I personally prefer the "what would you do if..." style XD -- As for her... maybe kiss her on the cheek if she doesn't believe you? XD But first step would be telling your boyfriend about it, stage 2 isn't that important if stage 1 isn't completed right? -- Honestly... while I may be a bit weird with things like that... I would be more comfortable knowing before her fantasies overwhelmed her rather than after. I think making sure he knows you love him and that you will never leave him would be a good first step before telling him about it, and asking him if he's ever had thoughts like that might help him relate if he has? o.o Just throwing possible ideas out there =) Ping ya just in case Rochiel Silverfire: |
The Wandering Poet: Heh, kisses on the cheek are old hat :sweat: Affection is normal between us...it's navigating the difference between affection and attraction that becomes a problem. But may as well keep the horse before the cart, right? I'll try the quid pro quo, but I guess the main thing remains: I'm scared.
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Hmm... my wife usually stuttered like crazy and then just typed it backwards over msn or something. She says what helped her the most was that if I didn't want to answer she could just ask something else.
Also... maybe try other questions beforehand. Like work your way to it over time. Say like if you were curious if they liked X Y and Z ask them and gradually get more personal. Then when you do ask it shouldn't be as scary. There's always telling him that you're scared he'll take what you're going to say to him the wrong way and prepare him so you'll be able to explain after you say it. |
That makes a painful amount of sense. Thank you again.
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Hey, I just had a look at your thread here. I've been in a situation I feel helps me relate a bit.. not 100%, but I can get what you're getting at. I have loved my friend who I call my Tamachan... since 6th grade, and we've both graduated high school by now. In middle school I would always go over to her house and sleep with her in her queen sized bed. We have kissed each other on the cheek plenty, said "I love you," gave hugs, chocolates, good advice and good laughs. A lot of things have happened since then and in short, her mom thought we were getting to be too old to have sleepovers once we got to high school, so I haven't been in her room since, only seen her at school when I was there. We both love each other as friends and have even pecked each other on the lips before too. I don't feel it has ever been romantic, but I do have a special fondness for her like ... she is totally irreplaceable in my life, I admire her beauty, her talent, her humor.. and she has gotten to be quite popular since I helped her not to be so shy.. and I feel like she cares more about other friends of her, and her boyfriend, than about her relationship with me. Which makes me feel a bit insecure, and I don't want to be too embarrassed over it ... I can be quite shy myself, but I absolutely adore the girl. I've had a few talks with her about it, as bashful as I was at the time, but she was understanding. She said her reasons for spending more time around other people, but that she has always thought I was beautiful, talented, the sweetest person she knows and that I will always have a good, big piece of her heart, not to worry. I know it is nerve-wrecking to put romantic dreams in the picture, but I can't see it doing much harm as long as you explain yourself. I think that even if it changes the angle of things a bit, if you don't feel it's going to pass, then you should communicate the best you can and just be honest with the people involved. And I think you know that... you just want comfort getting to that point, right? ^^ *hug* Hang in there girlie.. You've got plenty of people who love you and want the very best for you. No need to fear.
By the way, I'm Poet's wife ;P He knows how I feel about my friend, and that I miss her dearly all the time, and being more affectionate towards her.. It's the reason that the minute I come back to visit her, I'm spoiling her with gifts.. Muahaha. XDD .. Nah ahah but dw (= He understands this all and you should trust your man to as well! Think it through for sure, but don't stress it too much. It'll all work out. x3 |
^Wife comes by with even more advice lol
No problem... you can always PM me if you still need advice and this thread isn't active anymore =) I'd be happy to help anytime. (That or Pinging me back here works too) |
Thank you thank you thank you!!! You have no idea how perfectly your words resonated. I'm honestly a little stunned. May I be friends with you both? I'm out of words now, but I will sleep easier tonight. Thank you!
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... XD Yes. Of course (= LOL
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If you'd like to add me you may.
I do my best to give the best advice I can ^^ -- Anyways I'll reply in the morning if you say more... but I need to drag my wife and myself to bed... @_@ it's 4am |
Heh, then we're in the same time zone! Sleep well guys.
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Lol : D I'm so glad we could help you sleep better.
I know that it's hard when there are so many worries running through your head but you don't have to worry so much any more, okay x3? There's that and... you just got two new friends : D! Happy days~ >w< Sweet dreams Rochiel! |
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