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More to Magic than Meets the Eye (Kia & devcul)
"More to Magic than Meets the Eye" http://www.alixonline.fr/images/ABYDCO007.jpg Chapter One: The Grudge Alphonse Elric, machine that used to be human, is battling a girl who wishes to kill them both for what they do and what happened to her family. Whatever she knows is that someone who uses alchemy killed them, and so now she uses magic to find out who that person was, even if that meant killing two others tied to the death of her family or not. Her name is Analia Arania, only she was nineteen years old. She was an adult, yes, however, she stayed with her uncle and grandmother until her grandmother passed away. Her uncle protected her when some people came in to steal from them but killed everyone except for her. And now here she was, standing face to face with the Elric brothers about to kill them or try to at all costs. |
"So. We meet again, don't we?" I said "It comes down to this!" Alphonse said. "but you know what's different..? Your gonna die!" said me and alphonse. "Get ready! Because all hells raising down!" me and my brother sprung into action.
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Analia attacked the brothers using sorcery she learned, sorcery was like alchemy but it was pure magical energy that required energy to use. "I don't think so" Analia attacked the brothers with a gust of electrical wind.
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I used alchemy to make a wall agents the wind, and I used alchemy to turn my hand into a spear. I flipped from the wall and stabbed her directly in her chest. •shincxcx!•
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(um okay, yea, I don't mind my girl dying but there is a problem, one that was too easy, two if this was going to be Alternate Universe style, I wish I would have known that.
You're not supposed to use I while using 3rd person point of view, you are supposed to say their name and can say he or she, whatever gender they may be. Not to mention, most people on this site don't like 1-2 lines worth and others love it when you can describe more. Oh and you're out of character, I know and understand how full metal alchemyst works and how each character acts, you are using Alternate Universe style there. Just fyi. You're not giving my character enough time to react and that does annoy me to a point. Other than that I don't know what to say besides I'm not going to keep this roleplay going. Try to write some stories on your own and get a feel for the words. If you dont' know something, then google it. Sorry but our writing styles are too different) -.- |
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