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"Me, You, Him,and Her" (A poem)
Yeah, It's whiny and I was sad when i wrote it. Just my stupid heart trying to love again.
I love you You love her she loves him he loves her You hate me I hate her She hates you We hate him Life goes on We don't talk She talks to him They stay friends our chats end the little that we had is now nothing too bad |
I was trying very hard to connect the web, was there 4 people in the poem,..you, her, she, and him?
I liked it, sort of a messed up love square. There wasn't much imagery there, but i think over doing the wording would have messed up the rhythm and ping pong affect. |
It definatly has a sense of discord to it, and I agree with Syryn that it seems to be a messed up love square. But in my opinion the repetitive word use made it come out a tad toung twisterish. It is good overall despite this fact as it is to the point and has a clear direction. I just know If I was per say reciting it outloud I would have a high probability of getting tripped up from the he she her him me repeats, but that could just be me..lol Again over all good work.
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again, as Syryn said, how many people are involved? I couldn't tell if it was 3 or 4.
was it like: 1 = me 2 = you 3 = her 4 = him so that: 1 loves 2 2 loves 3 3 loves 4 4 loves 3 2 hates 1 1 hates 3 3 hates 2 1 and 2 hate 4 1 and 2 don't talk 3 talks to 4 3 and 4 stay friends 1 and 2 stop talking ??? I did appreciate the feeling of the poem though. |
Hi Devian. :D
Since this is just for a poem, I've gone ahead and moved it over to the Poetry subforum. Let me know if you've got any concerns about this. c: |
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