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my try at a poem
You're B-day is you're D-day
Once your born you're destined to die. Every time you're birthday comes around. You're one step closer to your grave. When you sleep its just practice for the last day. When you breath out it is your mind settling to the facts. In the end everything you do is pointless , It's all leading to your downfall. now step to your bed draw in a deep breath lay down for your nap settle your mind.... Now fall down...down...to a deep dark final eternal sleep. |
Your poem definitely takes a more somber tone. I would suggest changing the your to you're here
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Edits made according to the suggestions you made and thanks for being so kind.
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I like it.... gives me something to think about now that i woke up.... didn't realise that maybe when we do sleep it is nothing but practice...
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Hi Akio Shentoshi~
Since this thread seems dedicated to poems, I've gone ahead and moved it to our Poetry subforum. Let me know if you have any concerns about this. Keep up the good work. :D |
okay im sorry for posting in the wrong section.
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I applaud you for attempting a poem. :) I like it though it is of a somber tone But I do know it is how you feel and it definatly came across in your writing. :)
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@Akio: It's no biggie. c:
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kk
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Glad you got it figured out Akio.... and Ikuto... I have to say the art in your siggy made me giggle..lol
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It seems a little dark, however it does flow very nicely :D
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Now that made me realize my life. Lels.
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I like it! XD It's sad, but great! The poems I write are sad, romantic, and/or melancholy. That's why I like your poem! XD
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