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-   -   how is my story? give feedback please c: (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=194718)

Moon! 03-01-2012 10:58 AM

how is my story? give feedback please c:
 
Plot

The story began on a dream. Yuri couldn’t find her way back to home. She was in a forest; she saw a dragon fighting with a girl. She was really frightened that her dream broke and saw that she was late for school as usual. She kept thinking about this dream while sitting in class so the teacher sent her outside the class. After some time, an earthquake came. Everyone was running except Yuri. So Yuri ran with everyone too and suddenly she saw a mirror looking like a portal, when she touched the mirror her hand got inside. She was surprised. No one was going in that. The ground was cracking so she decided that she will go in that mirror and was gone. She came to the same forest which was in her dream. She was really frightened now! She saw the same girl fighting with the dragon, the girl hit the dragon so hardly that the dragon flew away. The girl was going to collapse. Yuri muttered in her mind “oh no! What should I do now!? Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!! ”

How was it? any feedback would be appreciated! :) still working on though...:) but can you please tell is this nice? something missing? too much magic? thank you for telling ;)

kyung hyun 03-03-2012 02:14 PM

Hello, Moon!! ^^

First things first, I'm not very good with English.
Even so, I see that that you have quite a number of grammatical errors....
So, I'll like to highlight that first.


Suggested amendments - click to viewX

The story began on with a dream, yuri . Yuri couldnt couldn't find her way to back home and a dragon came to kill her.

She saw this dream till three days after those days dreamt that three days later, an angel came she said to yuri and told Yuri that the angel's country needs help from yuri her help. so yuri So, Yuri went to magicial a magical town (a world full of magic! nothing Anything can happen at anytime here!)

Yuri discovered that she was a magical girl magician in the magicial magicaltown and lived there for several years and became a magical person.
(Text in red and striked off is redundant.)

When she wake woke up, she had bad days for like a week or two! But However, after that day , the dream yuri Yuri saw had dreamt came true!

Now, what do you think what will happen to yuri Yuri?

Amended text - click to viewX

The story began with a dream....
Yuri couldn't find her way back home and a dragon came to kill her.
She dreamt that three days later, an angel told Yuri that the angel's country needs her help.
So, Yuri went to a magical town (a world full of magic! Anything can happen at anytime here!)
Yuri discovered that she was a magician in the magical town and lived there for several years.
When she woke up, she had bad days for a week or two!
However, after that day, the dream Yuri had dreamt came true!

Putting that aside, your plot is not bad.
Despite the poor grammar, the plot in general is alright.
However, I hope that this plot is just a prologue to your story and not a summary for it'll be pretty dull if your story just ends like that.

Also, do not be discouraged by your grammar.
I strongly encourage you to copy-paste your story into "Microsoft Word" first, then check and amend all grammatical errors.
You could also get someone else to review your story first and help you beta it.
I'm sure there are lots of people willing to give you a hand ;)

Moon! 03-03-2012 04:31 PM

Thank you :D ok I gotta fix those :)

kyung hyun 03-04-2012 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moon! (Post 1770508112)
Thank you :D ok I gotta fix those :)

You're welcomed.
I'll do anything to help ^^

You can PM me to review your story if you do need help :3


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