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-   -   Need some help? My boyfriend broke up with me and I can't eat (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=195002)

Beliar 03-13-2012 01:14 AM

Need some help? My boyfriend broke up with me and I can't eat
 
I know it is long but...This a question/me venting. Any advice is appreciated.

He broke up with me yesterday night with a phone call. I took it better than I thought I would but then I couldn't sleep and I was starving a few hours later but I had absolutely no desire to eat anything. It has been nearly 24hrs and I still can't eat even though I'm hungry. I couldn't even drink water at first and I still force myself to drink very tiny amounts. I also feel like puking and it keeps hitting. I don't know what to do. I tried to eat a cookie but I could only force half of it down. I wasn't people friendly this morning and I was trying to hide my hurt by making frequent trips to the bathroom. It didn't hit, hit until then. Luckily I have good friends. They were there for me and I skipped my last class to go see a movie. I've been doing my best to keep busy and I have no interest in ever being in a relationship with him again. I miss him but I should have done it myself a lot sooner. It doesn't feel like it is over.

We had been dating for seven months and he has been thinking about breaking up with me for a while but I was the last to know. He kept pushing it off and I got depressed when I felt him pull away from me. He wasn't even going to do it last night but I kept asking him what was wrong. His reasoning was that it was him, not me, and he didn't know why. That we were not compatible and that he couldn't see a future with me. That there wasn't another girl and how he still loves me and wanted to remain friends. I handled that conversation well considering that he is/was my first boyfriend and my first love. We were going to talk on tuesday to make it official but I changed my status on FB (of all things) before he could. I wasn't as heart broken as I thought I'd be and I was handling it very well at class etc, my friend told me she was a complete mess after that happened to her. I had trusted him but that went out the window when he decided to end it. He is stupid. I knew his password for facebook (he uses the same password for everything. He is lucky that I am not vindictive) so I wanted to find out for myself. There was another girl involved and he was talking about breaking up with me last week when I was over at his apartment and he couldn't just say the words then. I don't think he cheated but he was obviously into her. So after sending him this

Quote:

"Actually, no. I changed my mind. You didn't even try to talk to me before so why is it going to be any different now and I think I was able to piece together what you didn't tell me. I'm not stupid and if you had any respect for me you would at least be honest with me. I am sorry, but whatever. If you genuinely still want me in your life then I'll see you right after you get out of class. If not, then I do not want you in mine. I see things a lot more clearly now to be honest and I don't think I was the one in the wrong. If I don't hear from you after this I understand."
He told me that he was honest and I told him that I didn't believe him. I asked him if he cheated and he said that he wouldn't do that and when I asked if he thought about it he disappeared and got really defensive when I said that I didn't tolerate being lied to. I got my answer. I never replied to him and I don't plan to. I don't know what to do now. I don't want him in my life if he can't even tell the truth (and friends? Really?) but at the same time I do not want to lose him.

Serenus 03-13-2012 02:17 AM

He will be a friend to you still in the long run. My first boyfriend did something along the lines of yours and him and I are still good friends. I trust him as a friend but would never as a partner. Friendships differ from a relationship; I find people to be more open with you. Maybe you can give him a chance later on. Right now you should keep your distance and try to work on things by yourself until you are ready to talk with him again.

Keyori 03-13-2012 02:51 AM

I suggest a ladies' night out with your friends! Something to help get your mind off of it. I have a hard time eating when I have bad anxiety too, but doing fun things helps. Or just keeping yourself occupied with work, school, or hobbies. I'll turn up the music and do a bunch of house chores (because I'm lame and don't have friends here yet >3>)

I'm sorry you had to go through all this pain though. It's rough, especially the first time. It sounds like you're better off without him though, what with his lying and all. And shame on him for stringing you along for as long as he did!

In any case, you're not obligated to be his friend if you don't want to. Personally, I've cut ties with all of my ex's, because most of the breakups were one-sided anyway. It either hurt too much to be around that person or that person would be all bent out of shape about me dumping him and I wouldn't be able to deal with the "please take me back!" pleading. I do know people who are good friends with ex's so it's definitely possible, but don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious or negative.

ElysiumFate 03-13-2012 04:15 AM

I've been through this--probably a notch worse than this, I admit, so I'm going to give you some heartfelt advice. The fact that you can't eat is normal. Don't worry about it. You will slowly start being able to eat again as your emotional pain starts to lessen. Try to eat a little bit every day so that you don't starve, but this is indeed normal.

This was your first relationship, so I'm going to call up a song that haunted me for a long time when I went through my first heartbreak--the first cut is the deepest. There is no way to keep this from hurting, and I'm sorry for that. As your first relationship, and I presume, your first love, you will most likely always hold a place for this boy in your heart. You'll stop caring for him eventually, but everyone you ever love finds a permanent place in your heart that no one else's presence could ever replace.

You were probably in a state of shock after he broke up with you, which is why it didn't effect you for a little while. This too, is normal, I promise. Losing a relationship is like a little death. You're going to go through stages of grievance over the relationship: denial, anger, depression, acceptance, and a stage where you'll want him back despite knowing it's not good for you. Not necessarily in that order, and you may not go through all of the stages, but it's important to recognize that you need to grieve this loss. You will be okay--you just need to take your time and heal yourself.

Please, take my advice: do not jump into a new relationship with anyone while you're still thinking about your ex every day, and don't start using your ex as a scapegoat. You don't have any proof that he cheated on you--the fact that he stopped replying to you after you accused him might be him thinking "gawd, she's insane, I don't want to reply to this." Right now you're trying to justify why he broke up with you by accusing him of those things, and you'll regret it later if you're wrong.

The best thing you can do is trust that you are a wonderful person, and this boy just was not meant to spend his life with you, and vice versa. Respect your ex, and respect yourself. Trying to figure out why it went wrong will leave you forever stuck in the past.

Spend time with your friends, and lean on them. They love you and they want to help you.

Finally (sorry for the long post), don't try to be friends with him right now. In fact, you may never want to talk to him again. Don't push it. Most people don't stay friends with their exes--it's not generally a healthy idea in my book. You cannot heal and love again while the object of your past affections is constantly reminding you that they exist and that you could get them back if you did this "one little thing." Trust yourself, because, deep down, you do know what you need to do to heal.

Junabelle 03-13-2012 04:58 AM

Definitely been through this. Twice. The art of breaking up. It'll effect you one way or another. With me, I thought I'd just cry and move on. Boy, was I naive to think that. At first I cried, then I was so upset with the situation that I was hungry, but couldn't eat. I'd feel hungry and then get offered food only for the sight of it to not add up to my tastes. But it didn't last long. I eventually forced myself to eat and felt better after. I also moved on...eventually.

My last boyfriend? All I could say is I saw it coming. I could just tell that he was going to break up with me. A few weeks before he broke up with me, he started becoming distant, would become too busy and too careless to let me know he was thinking about me and such or for us to even hang out. He wouldn't even kiss me or hug me or hold me. It drove me insane, but I only cried for forty minutes and moved on with that one. The other two were bad, so yeah.

So all in all, I think you need a good distraction. Spend a few frequent times with your friends whether at the mall, a walk, bowling, skating, or a movie night! Maybe even a slumber party! That always seemed to do the trick for me, added on reading of course. Or watch a tv show you enjoy! I always watch Glee when I'm upset. Always makes me smile and feel better about myself.

Beliar 03-15-2012 03:34 AM

Thank you for all of your advice =) It is really weird because when I finally got myself to eat I felt 20x better, like I was afraid that if I ate it would be me accepting that it is over and once I accepted that I was relatively fine. Is it normal that I feel fine even though it has been a few days? I mean I can't read any of my old diary entries or stuff like that, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I know that I can move on if I don't dwell on it. It probably helps that we don't live close to each other but I don't understand how I can be okay so quickly when he was all I could think about. I dunno. I think the fact that he was into that other girl hurt, but at the same time I feel like I can do so much better. I still want him in my life though, even though neither of us have contacted each other since yesterday (I told him yesterday that if it was still okay with him maybe we can be friends again whether it is a day or a year from now and that I meant everything I said. But it was up to him because I already knew what I was going to do. And to remember that I broke up with him [kidding]. I didn't want to leave it on a bad note and when I showed my guy friend our messages he said I did fine and that I didn't sound crazy like I thought I did. I just can't send anything else haha) =/

ElysiumFate 03-15-2012 04:30 AM

Yes, it's normal for you to feel okay. It IS a big weight removed from your shoulders--you're not worried about him leaving you 24/7 anymore. That puts a lot of stress on a person.

I am proud of you for knowing not to dwell on the situation, but I need to put a little warning in here that you're probably not done feeling sad about this. Because, while it's normal to feel relieved right after the situation, it is also normal for it to come back and hit you again.

Just take life day by day for a couple of months, and if you find yourself sad again, take a deep breath and think about the wonderful things that are coming your way.

Beliar 03-15-2012 05:31 AM

My sister said the same thing to me about not dwelling on it and that I'm a lot stronger than I look. I do still feel sad and talk about him, but it isn't overwhelming and the more I talk the less power it has over me. I'm doing my best to keep myself occupied and stay in control. I just wish he could see how well I am doing without him. I needed to read your post to reconfirm it, thank you again.

ElysiumFate 03-15-2012 06:31 AM

I've been through heartbreak, as all people have, so it's my pleasure to help you and talk to you. :yes:

I still wish I could show people from my past life how happy and well I am, now. It's something that sticks with you. Just as long as you stay strong in knowing that the only person that has to be proud of you is you, you're on the right path.


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