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My ex is confusing me
I posted in here earlier and got a lot of help.
Long story short he broke up with me on Sunday night (which I handled well) but still wanted to be friends etc. We were together for seven months and he had asked me to move in the month before when my semester ended. On Monday I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me and if he still wanted me in his life then I'd see him on tuesday and if not, then I did not want him in my life. Which lead to him saying that he was honest. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said no, but when I asked if he thought about it he got really defensive. I had the right to ask and we stopped messaging each other (didn't want to fight). On Tuesday I told him that I guess I got my answer about today and that I didn't want to fight with him, but I needed to move on with my life. He only replied when I asked if I could send his mom's book to him because it would have been wrong to hold onto it. The last thing I said to him was that maybe one day we can be friends again (if it was still okay with him) whether it was a day or a year from now but I told him it was up to him because I already knew what I planned on doing (cutting him out of my life). He is confusing me because he broke up with me, but I was the one who deleted him off of my FB (only real connection at this point since he doesn't live nearby). In a moment of weakness I checked his account through my mom and he still has all of my pictures up and he hasn't resigned the online scrabble game we were playing together when I asked(it wouldn't let me). Any 'connection' between us that was severed was because I did it even though I was the one dumped. He hasn't contacted me, nor me him, since tuesday so I don't get why he isn't cutting all ties with me. |
I feel as though this answer is a combination of things. For one, it sounds as though he wasn't planning on breaking up with you. You asked him if he was serious, he probably didn't know. I'm not sure of your age, but I'm guessing you're somewhere close to twenty--this is not an age that anyone knows if they want to settle down or move in with someone for a long period of time. He didn't know if he wanted to stay with you--that's normal. It's okay. One does not find their forever person this young, and he obviously knows that. He didn't know how to tell you he wanted to stay with you, but not for forever (probably).
Also, you accusing him of cheating and then keeping up with bugging him about it was not good. Just saying: for future reference, don't do that unless you have real reason to (not sure if you did or not in this instance). So, anyway, that probably made it so he didn't want to talk to you--you injured his pride--and this ended up making the relationship spiral to an end. So, what does this all come down to, and how does this explain his behavior? I'm postulating that because he didn't necessarily want you out of his life (he was probably unsure), he doesn't know what to make of this end. Also, I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you were the one that instigated the end of this relationship, even if he was the one who said "enough." As far as I can tell he probably just doesn't know what to do, and maybe isn't ready to completely remove you from his life. He could also be saying, "whatever, I don't care, no need to delete, I'll get to it whenever." On a note unrelated to what happened in your relationship--in general, guys are different than girls. Ya need to remember that in this trying time. They take relationships differently than woman do, especially when they're young. Guys grieve by going out and dating some poor rebound girl (no matter how stupid that is), while women delete their exes from their lives and spend some time with themselves alone. This isn't to say that guys are less emotionally involved in relationships than their female counterparts, but they deal with the loss of that emotional involvement in different ways. Keep in mind that last statement was a blanket statement, and not all guys are like that, and neither are all girls, but it's fairly common, and good knowledge to have. |
I'm nineteen and he is twenty-four. I found out after he broke up with me that he was talking to another girl and that he liked her a lot. That is why I asked him that, because I already knew the answer and I wanted to see if he would be honest with me though I probably could have worded it better than I did(I knew he didn't cheat, it just looked like he was thinking about it/that is why he left). He was as gentle as possible about breaking up with me because I don't think he wanted to hurt me. I want to contact him in the worst way but I don't think I can do that after saying that. I don't regret the way I acted, but I want to apologize to him too but I think that is too early? I don't want him to lose respect for me because I gave in before he could.(Assuming he does) We only got into one arguement and that was two weeks before we broke up because I didn't feel like a priority to him and we talked about that. I miss him being my friend more than dating him. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I miss him a lot.
My sister thinks he got cold feet because May was right around the corner (when I was going to move in) and he didn't know what he wanted. Edit: My friend thinks I should break no contact. I have also been told that I shouldn't. I might tomorrow? I was thinking about texting him "Hey, I had some time to cool off. Can I call you?" It would be five days since I last heard from him. Is that a good or bad idea? And if he does respond; I'd say something along the lines of "I didn't mean to accuse you of anything, I was mad and I was trying to figure out what happened. I couldn't stand the thought that you might have been lying to me. I should have handled that better" Edit Edit: She started talking to him very ninja-like. He isn't mad at me and never was because he has been in the same situation. I don't think I completely blew us being friends =) |
Yeah, I can see why you would ask those questions, and I agree you could've asked them in a better way (although there really isn't a good way to ask those things). On the one hand, it wasn't fair for him to be talking to another girl he was considering becoming serious with/liked in more than a platonic way while he was still in a relationship with you. You had a right to be peeved and worried about that. When I'm in relationships, one of the things that I make extremely clear within the first few weeks--if not days--of seriously dating is this: "I do not care if you have friends of the opposite sex, but they need to be clear on who owns you. If you refuse to tell them that you belong to me, then we need to end it." I say it straight up, too. If they leave, they're not worth my time. It's one of my few "quirks" in relationships, and I thought it might come in useful to you in the future. :)
I know how it feels to want them to be your friend. I only date boys who have best friend potential, if you get my drift, because the passion will simmer down eventually no matter who you're with. Anyway, keep in mind that wanting to be friends with your ex is normal, but that your feelings may change. A lot of the time we women feel that way because we want closure, and you definitely deserve that. So, on that note, I recommend doing what it takes to get closure in this relationship. You may never find it, but if you can get it you will feel better, and in that situation you will know whether or not you really want to be friends with him, or if you're just inwardly hoping that he may "see the light" and come back to you. Finally, I think your sister may be right about the cold feet thing--it's kinda like the phenomenon of how a lot of people break up right before Christmas (aka gift giving season). Also, I'm glad that you figured out that he isn't angry at you, but still take it with a grain of salt--he might be saying what he thinks people want to hear--and take some time to figure out what you want out of any further contact with him. :yes: It will most likely never be the same as it was before you dated. |
I think men tend to grieve much longer than women like Elysium mentioned. Even if it was him who broke up with you, you were still attached to one another.
Usually a cooling off period is better for both of you so avoid contact for a while. But then again everyone is different so leave it up to your judgement. |
Yes. A cooling off period is definitely a good thing. When things are still "in the heat of the moment" you don't really know what you want.
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I don't know how long the cooling off period should be. He was my first boyfriend so I have absolutely no experience in this situation. I do not think I'll say anything that I shouldn't (I'm going to drop the whole other girl thing unless he brings it up) and I have a lot of self control even if I wanted to. I don't know. Would tonight be too soon?
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edit: nevermind, misread
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Cooling off is usually at least a month, and often more. It really depends on those involved and the extent of the relationship.
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A month seems like a long time even though I know it isn't since we talked everyday up until now. Also, he just contacted me. He asked How I was doing and how my friend tried to ask about us but only succeeded in being annoying. That he knew that I was still mad at him which I had every right to be. He wanted to apologize again and that he appreciated me joking with him. ... I told him that I was working but I'd call him later and he told me when he'd hopefully be out. Is that a good sign?
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I try not to bring my own life experiences into my advice, but I can tell you from said experience that it's really not a good idea to be so close to an ex right after you've broken up. It's just going to prolong the pain and the confusion. I honestly do think you'd be doing yourself a favor by distancing yourself from, and not talking to, your ex for at least a month--two would be better.
Considering that it's your first boyfriend and you have no experience with breakups, I doubly suggest that you get yourself away from him and take some time alone. I got myself into a heap of trouble by speaking to my ex after our breakup, and it all could've been solved by a little "leave me alone while I figure this shit out" agreement. You might think you're okay, and maybe you are, I just think it would be better for your sanity. By speaking with and being so close to an ex just a week after your relationship has ended...well, I think you could find yourself hurt. Especially if you loved him. You have to stop feeling love for your ex before you can talk to him again and be in a platonic relationship. If you don't take some time to stop loving him, you'll never stop, and you'll end up feeling harassed for months on end while he tells you about his new girlfriends and his wonderful life without you. Trust me, that shit blows up in your face eventually--I myself have a disgusting story about it that's so sour milk would spoil from hearing the first word. I'm just saying, don't set yourself up for further regret. |
We did talk/text a little bit but it was really formal. It only made it hurt again so now I understand exactly where you are coming from because I did love him. I'm having trouble with the whole letting it go part. One step forward and two steps back.
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:hug:s Yeah. The thing you need to take to heart is that it's not your fault that you two broke up, and in fact it's neither of your faults. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Also, another saying that helps me during these times is: "It's called a break up because it's broken," and, on that note, "he didn't leave so that he could come back later." That's just for movies. :sweat:
I'm just trying to gently give advice so that you don't end up with regrets like I have in the past. Just give yourself a little time and distance from him, I'm sure that he would understand you asking for such a thing, and it would be better for the both of you. It doesn't have to be the end of your friendship, just a solid end to your romantic relationship so that you can learn to stop living in the land of "what if's" before it's too late. :yes: After all, something's got to end before you can have a new beginning. |
I haven't done anything that I regret yet and I controlled myself to not act on my emotions too much. (I love that quality about myself, I have a lot of self control) I really appreciate your advice, I've been asking different people so that I can handle this the best that I can. He just made me mad on Sunday and once that faded it made it easier to not be tempted to text him. I've decided, for now anyways, that any future communication we have will be from him contacting me until my feelings are gone because even when we were friends there was always that hint that there could be something more and now that is gone so who knows if it could even work. I am making some mistakes but I could be making more =)
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Yeah, for sure, you seem to be doing a decent job of controlling yourself. Some people just completely...lose it.
Anyway, I actually don't recommend that. :sweat: I mean, you can let it go on so that only he contacts you, but that can get irritating. You can try it out for a couple of months, but sooner rather than later you're either going to want to tell him to f off, or come to terms with him. He's just going to end up poking you saying: "are you ready to be friends yet?" Over and over again. Or he's going to give up, and, I can guarantee you from experience that that will either piss you off, or it'll just keep reminding you that he exists while you either just want to forget him or get back with him. Also, I'm glad to give the advice, so don't feel like you're a burden. :) |
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