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Maha-Aamir 09-30-2012 01:38 PM

Forbidden Fires
 
ok this is something i have written and i need feedback so please menewshians tell me if you like it so far...
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The fire dance had begun; the sun had set long ago. The night was cool but as the fire grew, and the dancing and chanting quickened, it started to get warmer. Everyone was present, the common and the noble, all together. Itzamna must be happy. Itzamna, the God of All, was always the center of our gratitude and praise.

I could see the fishermen families, smiling as their children were enjoying the fire dance. I glanced in the direction of my friends, Naira, the sweetheart of our tribe, and Kateri, a poor girl who had just lost her husband to the plague. But Kateri was strong and helpful to the fishermen wives and was content with her life.

Both Naira and Kateri signaled me to join them as they chanted along with the rest of the folks, but I declined as tonight my mind was occupied elsewhere. I turned my gaze towards the Chief of our tribe, Chief Mahkah, my Father! He stood tall, above his people, strong and watchful as always. He was a good Chief and had done a lot for making our lives better. I greatly respected him for his devotion but also felt left out as his daughter.

My mother had passed away two years back and both my brothers helped with my father with architectural and mathematical matters in developing our land. I was always more close to my mother, who was a free spirit, helping the common folk, and being happy when they smiled. She was greatly loved and respected back by our tribe.

After she left us, my father became more occupied, and I started spending more time with the fishermen families, learning their tricks of fish catching, spear throwing, and also practicing bow an arrow techniques to attack pirates. I have to say I was quite good in my skills.

As I kept my gaze fixed on my father, he turned and stared back at me. We were both thinking about the meeting we had before sunset, about the evil pirate.
“Father, I beg you, don’t let him dock on our land, how could you put us all in such danger?” I questioned my father with disbelieve.
“Maiara, my child, I know how you must feel, but I have been guaranteed that there would be no foul play, he only needs to stay for two days, then he would leave.” My father tried to explain but my doubts were carved in stone.
“After all the plundering, ships robbed and wrecked, how could you believe in any guarantees father? Fermin Antonio is not only a dangerous pirate, he is the devils incarnate, a deadly curse of the dark seas”, my words and my trembling voice was filled with fright and rage towards the pirate who was arriving the next morning.

I hated him the most, for I had heard a lot about his evil and hideous crimes, and the many lives he had destroyed. Fermin Antonio, notoriously known as a pirate was a lot worse than anyone knew. I tried to persuade my father, “you can still do us good father, for the sake of the Gods, turn him back before he sets foot on our land, how can you ignore all that goes on at chinchorro reef?” I paused for an answer, but my father was fixed on his decision, “if I do as you say, do you think he would spare us child? He is headed this way and he would do as he would please.”
“No dear, let us have faith, he can not rob or wreck anything on my land under my watch.” My father’s words were filled with confidence, yet I saw a speck of fear in his eyes too. I sighed and left for the ceremony that was about to start.
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Updated 13.10.12

Later, when the fire dancing ritual had come to an end, restless, anxious and angry, I went for a walk. I ended up at the Holy Temple, where I often came and had spent many nights of my life, meditating to my God of eternal Truth. I sat on the floor, closed my eyes and opened my heart to the heavens.

It was my mother, who told me about the God of Truth and signs from the universe, that help us turn towards love, peace and prosperity. She said that the ocean of love was inside our hearts, if only we sat still and listened with patience, we would hear the words of God. Tonight, however, as I sat and tried to hear words of wisdom, there were none. I wasn’t surprised. I knew, God did not respond to hatred. The God of Truth always waited patiently for everyone with forgiveness and love.

Before dawn, one of the fishermen, Cheveyo, came to me and informed, “Inka, they have arrived.”
The news made me frown and I got on my feet quickly. Saying a prayer for protection I left the Holy Temple and followed Cheveyo to see the evil enemy.
I noticed Cheveyo was tensed too, “Don’t worry Chev, I’m planning something, if I succeed, Fermin Antonio will not be leaving here alive.” I tried to make him relax.
“Inka, if you knew what I know, you would fear more of your own life, last night during the fire dance, some of the men were saying strange things about the pirate. The places he had been to… it is true that nothing was robbed and none killed, but they noticed a lot of poor women and children missing, specially orphans.”
“After he left, strange rumors and stories are circulating, and they are not good.” Cheveyo’s face was clouded with deathly concern.

“I must warn father about this, if only he would have listened to me,” I felt so weak and hopeless; nevertheless, I was prepared to fight for my people.
“Cheveyo, you must prepare everyone and tell them to be cautious of him and his men; we must be prepared to kill.” I was determined to go that far.

I saw the ship, it was huge and big as rumored, but what surprised me was that it didn’t have black flags with skulls on it, it looked… civilized. But I knew it was all fake, I knew everything was evil about it, I could feel it in my bones.

I saw my father standing in front of his new guests and went to stand next to him, my father glanced at me and introduced me, “This is my daughter, Inka Maiara, it is our pleasure to have you, and we both welcome you to our land.” There were three men standing before us, my father waved his hand in the direction of the man in the middle and said, “This is the famous Fermin Antonio and these are his two companions, Donato, on his right and Eloy, on his left.”


Standing there, in between two huge companions who looked like goons ready to kill on his command, his appearance was a surprise too, black uncombed raven hair, matching fierce, piercing eyes, rugged face with a strong jaw line and a two day old beard, yet no eye patch and no missing teeth. Infact, his teeth were all white and clean, if he weren’t Fermin Antonio, I would have considered him to be quite handsome, but to me he was the most disgusting creature on the face of the earth. I felt my hatred plastered on my face and I knew he could see it too.
His half smile died as he glanced on his right to Donato, his companion whispered something in his ear that made the pirate stare at me in surprise. His smile was back as he offered me his hand and said, “It is our pleasure to be here and I assure you, we come in peace.” He emphasized on the word ‘Peace’, confirming that he knew our doubts regarding his visit.

I looked down at his hand, to me it resembled a hissing snake, ignoring it I replied, “That better be true, or I assure you, tis would be your last voyage.” I walked away leaving his smile turn into a chuckle. As my father quickly tried to apologies for my behavior, I heard him reply, “Oh, please don’t apologize, I completely understand.”
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Fermin Antonio was amused. He had been told about a certain, ‘Inka’ before arriving, who is famous for being, both strong and intelligent, and extremely protective about her fellow tribes folk. It was told, Inka was sharp and skillful in spear throwing and killing snakes with her bare hands. Many non-famous pirates and thieves had been scared away and killed by her and her fishermen friends, who tried to dock on their land. Fermin was surprised when he was granted permission to dock there.

But all his excitement and surprise was blown away by the amazement he felt when he saw her, he had expected an Amazon of a woman, “Such a frail creature, and you warned me as if she were the Goddess of Doom herself, she is merely a child Eloy, why would anyone be afraid of that fragile thing?” He let out a hearty laugh.
“Never underestimate your enemy, Fermin,” said Donato, “didn’t you hear the hatred in her voice? I fear she might know of our plans, she is very resourceful and connected with the people.”
“Hah! Donato, you seem genuinely afraid, she is just a woman, and you know what I do with women, don’t you?” The malice in Fermin’s words was unmistakable.
Eloy came closer, “Fermin, we can’t, she is the Chiefs daughter, if she goes missing, everyone will notice, already the rumors are spreading across the lands we have been to. It would have been better if we hadn’t come here… a trip to chinchorro was much safer.” Eloy clearly had his own doubts about their plans.
His doubts enraged Fermin and he shouted, “Enough! Do you think I am an idiot? I want both of you to fix your heads and stay alert. We will have to be careful, but there is no way I’m backing out.” He composed himself and continued, “We begin tonight, but only focus on those who are alone and unprotected… I have no interest in the Chiefs daughter, ignore her, but keep your eyes on her.”

Eloy and Donato nodded and left Fermin alone in his room. Sitting there, sipping his whiskey, Fermin thought about the oval eyes filled with hate for him, the flushed pink cheeks, angry and enraged to see him, the body language of the creature, ready to attack and kill… Inka! “I would love to strangle you with my bare hands, Woman.” He said out loud and laughed.
Being a slave merchant, selling women and orphans, wasn’t something to brag about and was much worse than being a pirate, so Fermin Antonio had created his own repute of being a pirate to cover his real dirty business. It was true that he had robbed and wrecked ships but even the pirates of the darkest seas were afraid of Fermin… no one was certain what he really did.
Fermin didn’t care how hideous and degrading the job was, he only cared for the money, and this deal will give him lots of that. 50 women and 65 children, all trapped in the base of his ship, were he had made cells to keep his victims in semi sedated state.
The plan was simple, the feast was about to begin, there they would watch and observe and when everyone slept, they would go to their dwelling place and bring the women and children aboard, the basement was sound proof and the victims would be sedated. He didn’t plan to stay for two days, if everything went according to plan, they would be at sea, before dawn.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, “Sir, the Chief calls you to the feast for the guests.” Fermin stood to leave, ready to begin his hunt.
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updating November 16 2012
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I was fuming with rage as I walked towards the jungle, Cheveyo followed me and asked where I was going, “Inka wait, you shouldn’t have done that, your father will not be happy, you should go talk to him.”
“No! I need to go in the jungle to the pit, we don’t have much time. I will have to talk to father later when the feast is prepared.” I said and kept walking. “Why are you going to the pit Inka? You know how dangerous it is.” Cheveyo was concerned again.
The pit, home to our jungle’s most dangerous snakes, was a place everyone avoided to go. I had gone there once when our tribes’ doctor needed the venom of a snake to cure a patient. It was an adventure, and I got to keep the extra venom for my weapons. And today I needed a lot of venom to tip my arrows and spears.
“Fermin Antonio is more dangerous.” I relied to Chev and hurried away.
It took me some time to get what I wanted, then I headed back to Naira and Kateri, the sun was just about to set.
The moment Kateri saw me, she ran to my side, “Inka, what has happened? You are bruised and your dress… it’s a mess.” I had to smile to put her at ease, “I went to the pit, and now I need your help. Take Naira with you to my quarters and collect all the spears and arrows for tipping.” I handed her the bottle of venom, and saw her eyes get big. I heard Naira’s voice at my back, “Is there going to be a fight? Has something happened?” I turned to look at my worried friend, “I just want to be prepared and ready if something does, now please hurry and we will meet at the feast, I have to speak with father.” I was almost out of the door when Naira stopped me, “Inka, you can’t go to the feast looking like that, it appears as if you have been attacked by a tribe of baboons,” I looked down at myself and heard Kateri laugh, “I hope the baboons are fine.” We all laughed at the joke, “Alright, get me a dress, I will take a quick shower.”

I wore a white embroidered tribal dress and Kateri put a white lily in my black damp hair to match, Naira had gone to get her jewelry when I managed to escape my friends. This wasn’t the type of feast I wanted to wear jewelry too.
As I came to the open ground where the feast was being prepared, I saw fire dancers about to start their rituals. The moon was in its full beauty and the breeze was much cooler tonight. The tables were set up with food, fruits and a lot of liquor. Everyone knew men of the sea loved to drink. When I saw people arriving, I hurried to look for my father. I spotted him talking to two of his guards and looking worried. When they left I went up to him, “so I guess you have heard about your guests and their virtues acts?”
He looked at me and replied, “I had known about them before I gave them permission to dock, my child.”
Now I was shocked, “you knew about the women and children, and still you gave them permission?” I lost my temper and almost screamed.
“You need to trust me child, I have everything under control,” my father tried to calm me down.
“I trust my instincts father, and they tell me these men will harm us, and I will not be frightened by them like you.” I left, leaving my father with accusations of cowardice.
Fermin Antonio was about to sit on his seat when he saw me. He nodded at me with his half smile. I could sense his over confidence and arrogance from afar. I tried to block out his mocking attitude as I went to join in the feast.
Naira and Kateri arrived a little later and conformed that the weapons had been tipped and left at Kateri’s house to dry. Everyone seemed at ease and nothing was out of the ordinary. The pirates all looked tired and drunk for the dead. Yet I noticed that Fermin and his companions, Eloy and Donato, were not drinking at all. They were the only ones not drunk among the guests.
When it got late, the crowd began to move. As some women stood to leave, I saw Chief Mahkah speak to his guests, “I hope you all have enjoyed the feast and our fire dancing?”
Fermin stood up and nodded, “Indeed, we are much thankful for your hospitality Chief.”
“Well then we shouldn’t keep you up, for you must be tired and would want to retire for the night,” Chief Mahkah continued, “we have prepared our guest quarters for you.” He gestured towards the quarters. There was a moment’s silence.
“Ooh… If the Chief wouldn’t mind, we would like to spend the night in our ship, as it is more comfortable for us,” Fermin hesitated regarding the guest quarters and the Chief noticed too. “Aah! Okay, I don’t see any problem with that; our intentions were our guests comfort, and if you need anything, my men are at your service.”

When the guests left, I went to look for Cheveyo. I saw him ready to leave when I asked, “I hope to the Gods you aren’t drunk Chev?” He smiled back at me, “No Inka, I’m on watch duty tonight, as are some other fishermen. Though I am glad you came back alive from the pit.” I shrugged at his concern and continued, “Chev, be alert tonight, and do me a favor, please keep a check on the rear side of the ship too.” He smiled at my concern, “All these pirates will do tonight is sleep, and they are too drunk.”
I persisted, “please Chev, do this for me.” He smiled again, “Okay, but only once. And if I drown in the water, it’s your fault.” I was happy to hear that, “No problem.” I teased him back and went looking for my friends.

Naira was halfway home when I caught up with her, “Wait up, hey! Where is Kateri?” I asked her when I didn’t see Kateri.
“She went home to fetch the weapons, I told her to bring them over to my home, for they must be dry by now.” Naira replied, “Inka, are you planning to attack their ship?” She inquired.
“Only if they do anything to harm us, tonight I need to know what’s going on in that ship, but I want us to be prepared too.” I answered in a serious tone.
I noticed everything around us was very quiet, and I kept feeling that something was not right. I wanted to have a weapon in my hand. I suddenly said, “Come, let us go to Kateri’s house.” Naira was confused, “But she is coming to my house in a while.” I just pulled her in the other direction and said, “I think we should help her with those weapons.”

When we reached Kateri’s house, the door was open. We both went in but didn’t find her there.
“Maybe she is on the way to my house?” Naira tried to reason.
I spotted the spears and arrows still there, “And left the weapons here? And the door wide open?” I grabbed a spear and turned towards the door, “plus we should have bumped into her on our way here. Go check if anyone else is missing, wake everyone up but don’t let people panic. Every woman should have a spear or arrow in her hand; I’m going to look for Chev.” Naira’s eyes were ready to pop out but she hurried to get to work.
It wasn’t long before I reached Cheveyo; he was confused to see me there, “What are you doing here? Is everything alright?” I spoke in a low voice, “Have you seen Kateri? We can’t find her Chev.” He noticed the spear in my hand, “Are you sure she is missing? Have you checked everywhere?”
“Naira is checking, I came to ask you about the ship. Have you seen anyone leave or arrive? Chev I can feel something is wrong.” I inquired and he was concerned too, “No one has been in or out of this ship Inka, I am sure of that, but if Kateri is missing, we should tell the Chief.” He started to go see my father, I stopped him, “No Chev, first go to Naira and see the situation, take some men to the houses, and if anything is out of the ordinary, then go to father.” He nodded and was about to leave when he turned to ask me, “And where are you going?” I knew before answering, he would not like my idea, “I need to check out the rear part of the ship, it’s the only place not clearly visible.”
“Inka you shouldn’t go in the water, if the pirates see you, they would surely kill you. Wait for me, if something is wrong; we would need lots of men with us.” He tried to make me reason but I wasn’t planning to wait. “Chev, I’m not going in the water, please go to Naira, we shall meet in my fathers’ quarters soon.” I hurried away before he could stop me.
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Updated December 22, 2012.
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The reason why the rear side of the ship was hidden was because it was near the thick jungle resting parallel to the river bank. If I wasn't going in the water, I had to go in the jungle. There weren’t any wild animals this close to land, but at this time of night it would be hard to spot the snakes. I was thankful for the full moon above my head and its illuminating light. My spear was ready in my hand as I entered the jungle and silently made my way near the river bank to see if I could get a glimpse on the inside of the ship.

When I found a good spot from where I could see the ship and the river beside it, I noticed how still the water was. It was a perfect mirror reflecting the beauty of the full moon. The view was mesmerizing and for a moment I felt I was under a spell. I wanted to step in the water and land on the moon… it lasted a few seconds as a ripple tore the reflection and brought me back to reality. I looked closer to see what had caused the ripple and saw something like a mask, emerge from the water. As moonlight touched its surface, I saw it was a face… A very dear face. Kateri! I knew she was unconscious, I feared se had somehow drowned and was about to jump in the water to pull her out when I saw the hand holding on to her neck. Someone was supporting her face to remain upwards so she could breathe and be carried easily to the ship. But who was it?

I saw him emerge from the water but I could only see the top of his head and his eyes. His black hair clinging to his rugged face and his fierce black eyes looking around to make sure no one saw him. Fermin Antonio. As I looked deep in his eyes and saw the reflection of the moon in them, I had to hold my breath. I felt I was being pulled towards him and falling in a spell all at once. My mind and heart had suddenly entered a battle that made no sense to me. I also knew my heart had gone mad and my mind had no chance of surviving the battle.
I saw the whole universe dance in his eyes. I saw a shine in them that reminded me of my Lord. I felt like it was The Lord who was putting me under the spell… of love and forgiveness.

I physically shook myself to break free of such madness. It took me some time to come to my senses. I quickly told myself to ignore every feeling I had felt a moment earlier. My mind told me it was the best time to use my spear when I saw him come out of the water upto his waist. I could easily aim for his heart. But for some insane reason I stood frozen… I could not move. I cursed myself and made up an excuse to myself how cowardly I had acted. But I knew deep in my heart, something had been changed inside me.
As he swam near the ship, still holding on to my friend, I heard him whistle softly. Out of nowhere, men came in view, who were probably waiting for his signal. They threw down a rope to which Fermin tied my unconscious friend and she was pulled up. I knew I couldn’t do anything, anymore so I went closer to try to hear them.
“Ahoy! Fermin you caught a strong fish tonight”, a man who appeared to have no teeth in his mouth congratulated him.
“Ol’Turtle, are my boys back?” Fermin inquired looking worried.
“Not yet Captain, you are the first”, the man answered as Fermin walked away inside.
I couldn’t see or hear anything after that but looking at the ship I had to think if it was possible that all the women and children he had kidnapped, were in the ship then. The men I had seen had not been at the feast tonight, so I had to wonder exactly how large his crew was. I knew it was time to go see my father, and later I had to go to The Holy Temple. I needed to talk to God.
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When Fermin Antonio had left the feast, he hadn’t gone back to his ship, rather as it had been decided between his companions, they went after the women. It had been the same way with the other tribes and all his men knew that the time of early night was best as no one suspected it. But tonight Fermin noticed his men had drunk too much. This worried him but he decided to stick to the plan. As they had observed that a few fishermen wives were not accompanied by their men due to watch duty around his ship, it was decided to take them first.
Fermin had been watching Kateri all night and knew she had no man with her. When she headed to her home all alone, Fermin had followed her to her door. Kateri had come to fetch the weapons when she noticed someone behind her and assumed it was Naira or Inka. The blow on the side of her neck came as a complete surprise and as fainted and fell in Fermin’s arms, she had no idea what had happened.
The easy part was over, and now Fermin had to take her to the ship before she woke. He picked her up and tiptoed his way in the direction of the jungle. Hiding behind trees and bushes was exhausting but he knew he could not rest now. When he got to the jungle he knew had to go near the river bank and go in the water… Infact he had to go underwater. It was dangerous but he feared there might be guards or soldiers keeping watch in the jungle.
When he was about to pick Kateri up to take her in the water, he noticed a white lily flower in her hair. It made him think about the lily he had seen earlier at the feast. As twin oval eyes framed in black damp hair came in his mind, he looked above at the full moon and thought of Inka.
“You are a witch playing with my mind, you Inka!” he spat out her name in hatred. He knew there was no reason to hate her but for some reason, whenever he saw her, he wanted to kill her. No matter how beautiful she may be there was something about her Fermin could not tolerate… She was a constant reminder to him that he was the bad guy. He didn’t think of himself as a bad person and was always trying to deny his acts even from himself but Inka always managed to make him feel like the devil and deep down he knew he was the monster she saw him as. He prayed for one chance to kill her. One chance to watch her eyes loose the light they held and die in darkness. He laid down Kateri in the water and started to swim in the direction of his ship.
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When I entered the chiefs’ quarters, Cheveyo and Naira were already there. My father was wide awake and it seemed he had been waiting for me. A fisherman, Yochi, I knew quite well was standing next to my father.
Cheveyo came to my side, “You were right Inka, Fermin’s companion tried to kidnap Naira, but we saved her” he gestured towards Yochi.
“Yes Inka, we saved her before the man could hurt her and we also captured the companion and brought him to the chief”, added Yochi.
I looked over at my friend and noticed how pale and frightened she looked, then I looked over at my father, “Now do you believe me Father?”
My father came up to me and answered, “Maiara, I have always believed you”, he smiled warmly at me.
“Then why?” he knew what I was asking him.
“Because my child, this is not just about our tribes’ women and children. This is about all our neighboring tribes who have suffered at the hands of Fermin Antonio”, replied my father.
“I don’t understand father”, I was confused and waited for him to explain.
“A few weeks back, some neighboring tribesmen came to me and asked for my help. They told me about their missing women and children and also confirmed that Fermin was a slave trader”, my father paused to look over at Cheveyo.
“We all decided to help them but didn't know how it could be done. That is when they told us that Fermin planned on coming here, and they wanted me to give him permission to dock”, my father continued.
“But how has that helped them father?” I was still not clear.
“It will, my child, it will… We all know clearly that one tribe could never fight with Fermin, and on land alone would be a bigger failure. But if we attacked all at once, then he would surely be defeated.” My father looked at me before continuing, “Maiara, armies of soldiers are headed this way, as we speak, to fight a battle with Fermin and his crew. I have sent your brothers to prepare them and to bring them here personally along with their ships. We believe the women and children are kept prisoners in his ship.”
He took a breath before concluding, “The day after tomorrow, at dawn, their ships will reach our land and Fermin will have no choice but to surrender, or die”.
“He will surely die Chief, I don’t think the other tribesmen will give him a chance to surrender, they all want him dead”, Cheveyo added.

I was silent for a moment, thinking about Kateri, “you are right father, I saw him take Kateri in his ship, and I believe the others are kept there too, but father, what will happen if he decides to sail before his two days are over? If we have his companion, don’t you think he will suspect something is wrong and run for safety?”
Yochi spoke before my father could answer, “I fear the same Inka, I am not sure of this but I think I saw another man run away towards the jungle when we saved Naira. If he tells Fermin about this, Fermin could try to sail in the night”.
We all looked at the Chief and he was thoughtful for a while before answering, “Yes I had my fears too, that is why I wanted them to stay at the guest quarters but when they refused, I knew Fermin planned to do something tonight. I still had faith nothing would go wrong when I ordered to drug the guests wine. His men would not wake till tomorrow noon, but Fermin stuck to his plan”, my father had a puzzled look on his face.
“Father, you did all this and I blamed you for being careless and putting us in danger… I am sorry and ashamed for judging you”, I was overwhelmed by all the information and his warm behavior towards me.
“Its all right Maiara, your judgments and accusations prove how much you care for your people and I am proud to have a daughter like you. I didn't tell you this before because I wanted to keep you away from danger and your brothers also thought best to keep you away from all this but now I see you have the ability and skill to help your people”. My father smiled and continued, “And about Fermin, well my soldiers have been given the order to attack his ship if he tries to sail before the next dawn. So it all depends on Fermin, but if there is an attack then I would need lots of help from you and the fishermen too”.
“We are forever at your service Chief”, Cheveyo spoke and looked over at me and I nodded too. I looked over at my father with pride as the meeting came to an end and I took Naira with me to my room.

Cheveyo and Yochi left to go keep watch over the ship and Naira quickly fell asleep. But I tossed uneasily on my bed thinking about the night. I was worried and curious at the same time about what I had experienced on the river bank; I wanted to know why I hadn't killed Fermin when I could have easily.
There were still a few hours before dawn when I got up and headed out the door to the Holy Temple. I wanted answers, I wanted peace and above all, I wanted the strength to kill Fermin Antonio.

Chikyu 09-30-2012 01:46 PM

Okay, honestly, those few paragraphs were very engaging and well written out. You put in enough detail for me to visualize the scenery buy not too much were you're taking a whole paragraph to describe a tree. You know what I mean?

I honestly loved what I just read and would be more than happy to read whatever else you have. PLEASE continue this story! :D

Oh, and I was definitely hooked when I read the 'pirate'. I LOVE PIRATES! BD

Maha-Aamir 10-04-2012 05:39 AM

Thanks Chikyu... actually i have not re read it so its full of errors and sometimes out of proportion paras but i just wanted to know if it was good enough to continue... im glad you like it... and i love pirates too :D

Superstition 10-09-2012 04:06 AM

Very good! I look forward to more!!

Maha-Aamir 10-13-2012 03:45 AM

Just updated my story... let me know how i'm doing :)

Superstition 10-13-2012 06:23 AM

A good twist making him a slave trader! I look forward to seeing whether Inka will prevail or not :)

aaron321 10-15-2012 01:48 PM

Nice writing... :) BOL

Maha-Aamir 11-16-2012 10:53 AM

Another update :)
i need a typist :D
please let me know how i'm going.

Superstition 11-17-2012 01:51 AM

You have me hooked lol Looking foward to your next update!

Maha-Aamir 12-22-2012 04:22 PM

@ Superstition: Thanks, your comment is the fuel that keeps me going :)
Another update :D

KageShio 12-27-2012 01:28 PM

I quite like this, the story and the two lead characters are very likeable and it is a pleasure to read. However, at the risk of being rude, I would like to offer a bit of critique, from one writer to another.

You start off well in the manner of setting, pushing us back into time when pirates ruled the seas and native Mayans ruled the land, but you lose that touch soon after. I think if you rearrange some of your wording and use different terms the story will become much more engrossing, the setting and world becoming more apparent. I also feel as though sometimes there is not quite enough description and visuals in the scenes, but then again, I am a writer who loves his flowery descriptions. The other thing I found a bit strange is the switching between first and third person, but one does get used to it, and it does drive home that while Fermin is Inka's counterpart and the antagonist, Inka is still the focus of the story.

Oh, one more thing, in the beginning, she is called Maiara, then called Inka throughout the rest of what you have written. Is this intentional?

Maha-Aamir 12-27-2012 06:13 PM

:D Thanks alot for reading and critically giving your opinion... yes i have alot to add to it when it comes to descriptions and scenes, im working on that :) This is the rough draft of the story and its posted here for me to know if its supposed to go on or not... its my very first and about the part of the world i dont know much about and i always end up wondering if i should mention the places names? The Antagonist's name is Inka Maiara and though her friends and everyone else calls her Inka, her father always calls her Maiara. I also fear the story is slow and dragging, specially when i so want to get to the part where there is supposed to be a spear fight :)
Thanks again for your comment, highly appreciated :)

Gravekit 04-05-2013 07:13 AM

In terms of actual writing, this is wonderful and engaging! However, in terms of feedback, the actual formatting/presentation is a little hard to get through, because it seems a bit clustered. Running it by someone who likes editing and asking them to space/rework things might be a good idea, or doing it yourself would be, too, if you're more comfortable with that!

Looking forward to more, though.


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