Sorry if this is kinda rambling, but I am just kinda going train of thought, because I'm just upset right now, honestly I am... so I apologize up front, if this doesn't make much sense.

And that is where I feel like I talk (well, type) and people don't listen. When I say that I can not find time to actually fit that into my schedule, I truly mean that I can't fit it into my schedule. I know myself better than any of y'all and I know that I would truly snap if I did try to fit another thing in... in between homework/the one club I'm a member of and considering possibly one more, try out a meeting tomorrow night and if it doesn't feel like a fit, then I'll not do it, but right now it's really just the one club that meets on Thursday nights/classes/group meetings/finding me time... (which is easier said than done, so far I've not even had time to myself to even get out and explore my new school town and I've been here for about a month and a half now... -.- No.. I need more me time) and trying to fit in something else into that... IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! One thing that you'll realize about me, is that if you push me and I feel cornered (honestly I really do feel cornered) I will push back and I will push back hard. I've always been like this. I feel like people are saying that they are listening, but they truly aren't. If I say something isn't possible to fit in, it really isn't possible for me to fit it in. I KNOW MYSELF BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE... so when I Say that I truly mean it. Sure, yes, I am unhappy, but what am I supposed to do about it... I've been unhappy before, and what I did to get through it is exactly what I am doing now... I Just need people to actually truly listen and not make me feel like I have to keep repeating myself. I hate repeating myself. And I feel like that is all I keep doing because people keep saying and REPEATING themselves too, and that makes me feel like y'all think I'm stupid.. I do get that y'all are concerned, but did y'all ever thing that ALL I really need is for someone to truly listen to me and not make me feel like I'm stupid and not doing what is right for me?

I really do just need someone to listen and right now (I really don't have a lot of friends), I'm feeling like Mene is not the place for me, because y'all say that you listen, but in a way, I feel like all I do is repeat myself over and over again, and feel like I'm not truly being heard. All it does is just push me deeper into this pit that I am trying to dig my way out of by talking, but by people saying that they're afraid I'm suicidal (that has NEVER NEVER NEVER crossed my mind... honestly it hurts me that you'd think that... No)... sure I'm probably depressed, but I'll do what I've always done for the last quarter of a century and just push on... not like I've not done it before. I've done this plenty of times.

Sorry for the all caps - the voices in my head are screaming at me right now and I needed to appease them -
ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE WHO'S TRULY WILLING TO LISTEN WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL STUPID OR DUMB BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THAT IS WHAT I AM FEELING PEOPLE THINK OF ME... THAT I AM JUST THAT STUPID DUMB BLONDE WHO JUST COMPLAINS... I just need a way to get out what's bothering me and for me, the way that I've learned works for me is that I am not very good with verbalizing my issues, so I put them in writing, but I am learning that people really don't appreciate it and I really do not feel comfortable even talking about it, because I just feel like people criticize me, and act like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. "Let's talk to Nemo, make her feel like she has people to talk to, and then push her back into the hole she just almost got herself out of."

((oops... sorry, I really didn't mean for this to turn into such a wall of text.... I'll leave now... I really don't feel like I'm truly being heard here, I type/talk, people say they get it, but the fact that I keep having to repeat myself over and over again, I Get it. No one cares. I'll stop talking about it now.))

@Nemo - That's the thing. I am listening, and I do see you repeating yourself about how you're struggling with your roommate, feeling overwhelmed with school, and also missing your parents horribly. I see that you've not had an easy time of it and you're needing help working through it. What concerns me is that we are listening, and we want to be there for you, but even given all that you're still feeling like we're not. That concerns me as it gives me the feeling you are spinning your own wheels but feel like you're getting nowhere.

You have never insinuated self harm, and I don't want you to feel insulted that I had made that connection. At the same time you strike me as an individual who is truly having a hard time and very anxious and depressed. When you shift into those gears of anxious and depressed you really do lose sight of the bigger picture and it's much much easier for you to make a bad decision. All it takes is one really bad decision and boom -- it's game over.

I'm saying I'm listening, I know others are listening...I don't feel like it's helping you, and instead of watching you fall apart I say I care and I want to see you happy. I see so much of you that reminds me of me. Honestly. And I'm doing what I feel is what I would of wanted from a friend who was trying to be there for me. Yes, listen, but when it got too much remind me that there's not anything wrong with getting help. In fact instead of looking at joining more clubs there I think it is much more important that you take your time and focus on finding a counselor to help you through some really big life issues and work through them...learn that you are your worst nightmare, but you're also your greatest hope.

With that, I do need to get ready for bed and get a shower. Please do not feel like I want to gang up and corner you. Yes I'm trying to confront you about what I am witnessing, but I'm doing it wanting to see a positive outcome.

Izumi: I think it's because of the number of times I've been truly let down by people who say that they are there for me, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to handle being let down again, that's why I am so hesitant to believe. ((As I said in my previous post.))

No, but honestly... if you really did get to know me, you'd know I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT... No. Just the fact that you'd think it hurts me... That is NOT who I am... WHAT SO EVER. I would NEVER NEVER do anything to harm myself... -.- I may be sad and unhappy, but I would NEVER do anything... NO... NO... NO...

No. I need to find my group, and honestly right now. I am so regretting moving so far from home. I need to find that group of people I feel connected to. PLEASE stop saying what I feel is RIGHT for me, is the wrong thing... You don't know me.... [gonk]

You MAY NOT SEE IT AS CORNERING but I do... and right now, I do not feel comfortable, at all.. because I feel like I just keep having to repeat myself.. I know what works for me... I need to find my niche here at school, I WILL NOT DO THAT BY TALKING TO COUNCILORS... I can guarantee it. I need to find a group of people I fit in with, and I AM ONLY GOING TO DO THAT IF I START GOING TO MORE things....

I get that you are trying to help, but just being forward, it really doesn't feel like it's helping because basically telling me that you think I'm going to self harm myself... no, I NEVER WOULD... if I felt that I was, I would go and see someone, but I MEANT IT when I said I do not have time to try to fit much more into my schedule... STOP pushing it.. I get it that you recommend it... my mom does too... and I get that you think that's what I should do, but honestly, I can not DO THAT RIGHT NOW... END OF STORY...

Sorry for all the caps.. I'm honestly feeling pissed off and SUPER cornered right now.. I NEED TO GO, and I honestly, can't tell you if I'll be back... I don't know ANYTHING anymore. Bye.

Take care, Nemo. Rest on it. I'm not trying to force your hand on anything, but I'm being as genuine and empathetic as I possibly can.

I think that once you come to that self realization, everything else will slowly fall into place. You can enjoy yourself now, even through the struggle and once you make it to the other end you can look back and realize just how far you've come.

You don't think that I realize that now...? -.-

I feel that perhaps my words are making you uncomfortable, even if you do realize it. My point is not to make you feel uncomfortable, rather trying to give you a nudge in the right direction.

Trust me...I've had people try to give me the same pep talk and I've heard it over and over again. For some people it does take time before the reality truly sets in. Even then not everything gets better, but with a positive outlook you'd be surprised how much happier you'll be.

---------- Post added 10-06-2013 at 10:30 PM ----------

I work in customer support. The three keys to being successful is to be positive, to be assertive, and to be empathetic. I've found the same technique applied at work does yield positive results in real life. If you can stick to those three key behaviors I'm sure you can be sucessful.

---------- Post added 10-06-2013 at 10:43 PM ----------

Anyways, I hope you sleep well and have a wonderful day tomorrow. Smile, and know we're thinking of you. And know we care.

Izumi: No what I was saying is what I'm getting is that you're saying that I don't get how much work it's taken to get me to where I am right now... o.m.g... I DO KNOW HOW MUCH WORK HAS GONE INTO GETTING ME TO THE SCHOOL I'M AT CURRENTLY... my parents have put their house on the line - they morgaged the house just so they'd have enough money to pay for both my brother and myself to go to college... I KNOW... what's making me uncomfortable is feeling like I keep having to state myself over and over again because people aren't truly hearing. They are listening, yes, but NOT hearing what I have to say.... What's making me feel uncomfortable is that I am feeling EXTREMELY CORNERED right now.... And I feel like I'm not being heard when I say that...

Right now, pushing me is the WORST thing you can do... you push me, I feel cornered, I push back, and won't listen... Because I feel attacked. YOU may not seen it as attacking but I sure as hell do. [yes]

I know what works for me... ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO LISTEN.... -.- End of story. The end.. That's ALL I need! [yes] and right now, I am feeling SUPER cornered, not heard (sure you listen but you don't truly hear)... I know what works for me... And I do appreciate that you're concerned, but I know what works for me. And if I say that I can't do something... Please stop mentioning it because honestly repetition to me makes me feel like you think I'm dumb and stupid. -- Story of my life.


Oh, and FYI: My mom is a Psych major and SHE also keeps pushing me to try to see a counclier... BUT honestly, if I'm being totally honest, y'all pushing me to talk to someone... IS probably going to be what is going to make me snap, and just make me start screaming (you have NO idea how close I am to just breaking and screaming, and sobbing).... this is going to be what pushes me over that edge, not trying to fit something into my schedule...

I HONESTLY FEEL PRESSURED AND PUSHED AND CORNERED... And I am feeling like I am going to snap... I honest to god do feel like I'm going to snap.

I know what's best for me, and that's just someone to listen to me... I just need a friend who'll listen to me and not make me feel backed into a corner, and having to fight to try to stay afloat, because that's honestly how I'm feeling right now... like I am struggling to stay above the water... -.-

The trip to the bookstore was a success! /fist pump/
I needed to get out of this house and I loved every second of it!

NEMO /slow mo runs to you/
I WISH I COULD HUG YOU

Vanora: Did you get any good books?

*hugs* I really do need a hug right now.
I'm sitting in the middle of the cafeteria fighting not to cry, and kind of failing right now. :(

I got a random book called The Shadow's Heir. o. o

I think it's okay to cry, I say let it all out.
I mean you don't have to do it in public, but it feels good after a good cry.
Whether it be five minutes or two hours. ^^

Vanora:
What's it about?

I can't right now...
Because I know if I do start, I'll not stop, and I don't have time...
I have a huge presentation tomorrow and I need to be practicing that... UGH! D:

It'sssss about this girl who is half royalty and half peasant, it's the only way I can describe her anyway. Lol.
Anyway, she lives with her adoptive parents, but she leaves her home to try to connect to her royal family.
Or something like that... I'm terrible at summarizing books. D:
It's a fantasy/mystery type of genre, so hopefully I'll like it.

Oh I see. :c
Well I hope by tomorrow you'll be feeling a lot better, at least to get you through your presentation. ^^

Sounds interesting! [yes] I do hope that you enjoy it.

I really do hope so - it's me and three others, we've never actually practiced it fully all the way through, I hope that it flows well. [sweat] We are taking over our ASL 5 class and teaching the class for the full 2 hours and 45 minutes. [sweat] IN sign.... -.- I don't do well with presentations, and add in the whole thing being in sign... -.- I am good at sign, but I'm so afraid that I'll mess up. :(

Me too!
It's my new bedtime reading book. Haha.

Well I send you lots of good vibes for tomorrow's presentation. [yes]
I think you'll do swell. ^^

Let me know what you think of it. :] And if you enjoy it. ^_^

Thanks. I just need to stop myself from freezing, I'm not the fastest signer but that doesn't really matter as long as I'm clear, right?

I'll be sure too. ^^

Yeah, I wouldn't think speed is a major factor, just as long as you take your time in getting your message across.

Izumi- All my dad saw was a picture I posted on Facebook. I don't know why he said that but it really hurt my feelings and I don't feel cute and spunky anymore. Probably what he wanted to do. He and my husband are almost alike sometimes. They don't realize how hurtful their words really are and why I get to where I avoid them. I try not to let them get to me, but it's hard and right now I feel like I'm not in a happy place. I don't want to do anything but watch Netflix. I'll get over this though and things will get better. Thanks for listening to me complain and whine lately. [hug]

---------- Post added 10-07-2013 at 08:18 AM ----------

So here's a thought... I wonder if my dad and hubby say mean things like they do because they see how proud of myself I am, or accepting of myself (i'm pretty overwieght) and they wish they could feel like that about themselves? Like my dad wants to bring me down to his level of... ignorance? so I'll feel bad and conform into how HE thinks I should be. Like they don't want me to be flashy and show off who I really am. Not so much hubby this time, more my dad. I think they see how much I've been growing as a person lately and how happy it makes me. I think I just need to keep doing what I am doing and if they don't like it, that's too bad. Phew. I feel a lot better now haha. Hopefully things between hubby and I can get back on track soon. I think alot of it is just me and my personal struggles. My dad has always been degrading. Even my Grandma has said that (his mother) she is afraid of him and what he says scares her sometimes.

Sorry for rambling, but it helps me to tell you all these things that are floating around in my head. :3

LOL!! I think they both could use a nice kick in the booty. [yes]

@Nemo - Ok. I will drop the counseling aspect as long as you agree to stop going on incessantly about how we don't care and listen. I'm sure others would agree with me that we are trying to be there for you, and by you going on and on about how you're not getting that is hurtful to us. I don't think you're seeing that, or realizing it and that's why you're struggling here.

Also listening is actively giving you our attention, if I'm just hearing you I accept you're making noise but I'm not necessarily paying you any attention. I think you should take a look at both definitions.

@llonka - I want to post about what I think about your dad/husband and your haircut and cutting your self esteem. I'll save that for after work when I have more time to reply. Kinda at work. ;/

---------- Post added 10-07-2013 at 11:10 AM ----------

Many hugs to you though, llonka, hun. [hug]

in my experience, llonka, misery loves company. people try to bring down others because they feel shitty about themselves. it's all good as long as you know you're awesome and of course we know you're awesome!

Thanks Izumi and Linnea! [hug] Starting to feel a little better. I hope you both have a great day! As for me, I need quit worrying about this stupid things and get my homework done! (Also stop looking the mirror at my beautiful self [lol])

Izumi: No, you don't get it... I honestly feel like no matter what I have to keep repeating myself, because people listen but they don't hear. But you know what I don't care anymore.. I won't be posting ANYMORE about my problems because you know what, it isn't helping... I get it, I'll just shut up... because NO ONE wants to hear me complain... I get it.

I'll leave now.

@Nemo - Was there anything else I may assist you with? If not, it was a pleasure speaking with you. You are a valued member of Menewsha. Have a wonderful day.

@llonka - I'm with Linnea. They are struggling themselves and maybe they find pleasure in bringing you down? A lot of times I think (perhaps I want to give people the benefit of the doubt) that they're not even consciously aware that what they say might be hurtful. I know sometimes it's difficult for me to bite my tongue as I try to be very down to earth, honest...I don't fully realize what I may be saying could be interpreted differently.

The shitty thing is you can only really have control over yourself, and your actions. You can try to positively mold other people's, but in the end they're the only ones who are fully in control over their actions. It's a really tough lesson...especially when you're faced with people who are that close to you. :(

Heyy llonka! ^^

Gosh, it feels so good outside!
The sun may be out, but it's nice and chilly.