[yes] It sounds like this could be something very deep rooted and could be caused by lack of praise and lack of self esteem as a child. When it goes back that far, you have to realize that now he reacts on a subconscious level and may not even be aware that he is coming off as abrasive, dismissive, *insert negative word here*.

It makes it difficult on you, though, as if he is like this with all areas it may be quite difficult to convey it to him in a way he can digest without once again going into defense mode once again.

You could try to start some positive reinforcement. (Positive doesn't really imply that it is positive in nature, but that as a result of a good reaction you give him praise.) It's hard to explain. Negative reinforcement I believe is where something is taken away as a consequence, but it could be positive for the person. (For example -- bear with me on this as it was LITERALLY the first thing that popped into my head. Using medication for head lice removed the head lice from head...)

Anyways I'm getting too analytical with that. What you could try to do though is when he does do something that you appreciate and makes you feel good, make sure to let him know. Genuinely know, of course.

It's not going to be an overnight change, but it may come off as less abrasive then throwing out the marriage counseling card. I would first try something on a more subtle level. It sounds like you tried to be a little more forward and letting him know your feelings were hurt about the car breaking down and it didn't quite sink in.

I'm not going to say don't mention the marriage counseling as an option, but when you do I would let him know that you've been trying to approach him and tell him how you feel, but that there is a lack of communication on both ends. That the counseling would be a positive thing to help both of you out and that you're not on the verge of leaving him...rather you want to help bring the two of you closer together.

((BIG HUGS))

For what it's worth, you have the definition of positive and negative reinforcement correct. Positive is when something is given, negative is when something is taken away. Taking away a bad thing is "negative," even though that could be a good thing for someone. The positive and negative are like in math - adding and subtracting - not like good vs. bad.

That was covered in one of my classes literally yesterday. [lol]

Yep! Exactly, Cherry. I took a couple Psych courses in highschool and college. I loved them. Found them absolutely fascinating.

It's amazing how you can shape behavior of a person similar to how you would do so with a dog. I mean I don't mean to make it sound like humans aren't intelligent, but by reinforcement and in intervals you can really make a difference.

I'm not saying I'm on llonka's husand's side at all, hummy. I'm just trying to offer advice and make sure that she's taking consideration into seeing it from his side. If he's been like this for some time, and it's getting worse....I do really feel for her. I hope she tries to do what she can to improve the situation, and if he's unwilling to budge maybe she will need to think about what is best for her and her kids. It isn't easy, though, and I know from a child's perspective as well as a spouse...divorce is hard on everyone. I wouldn't want to see it come to that unless that's really the only option. :(

Thanks for all the input everyone. I'll try to have a better reply later.

Hopefully today is a better day than Tuesday. I really hope hubby is a good mood today also.

t

i keep giggling at Cherry's article
maybe a cocktail would put llonkahusband in a better mood?

Hey llonka! I haven't read through the three pages of the thread. I started to, but just decided to ask how things are today?

I'm also married. I've been with my husband for seven years and we have a daughter between us. He has put me through hell and back, as some here on Mene know. I can relate to a lot of the stuff you're going through. We're doing really well now, and it's taken a lot, and almost a divorce this year. So I might be able to help, or even just lend a shoulder that's been there. Things aren't perfect here, and I'm sure they won't ever be, but we've recognized there are MAJOR problems and we're working on it now, and that's what matters, you know?

SO - is your hubby being a big fat doodoo head today? [dizzy]

Wow I didn't know your hubby was the same way. Yesterday was a pretty good day, except that (this is a minor thing) I cleaned some litter boxes and filled them up. He was supposed to do it and for some reason he though I was going to. I dunno, just another miscommunication. But I was like "I did your job" and i figured he'd say thank you, but nope. Something about he was waiting for me to scoop them. Whatever dude.

This morning I was gonna give him a kiss on his cheek while I was getting up and he wouldn't get out from under the blankets. I told him what I was doing, but I guess he didn't care. He's got this grudge about the ceiling fan being on "because he gets too cold" or "it makes him sick" [stare] I get too hot at night if it's not on. Anyways these are stupid problems/issues and I think i'm just ranting...

Thought about going shopping at Walmart today, but I'm deciding not to, because he won't pay attention to us anyways. Another thing, I'm sick of hearing about Shawna or Kim. All he talks about is these women like he values their opinions or something. But then last night he said he's tired of hearing about their crap. Whatever dude, again. [stare]

[lol] I'm not laughing at the situation, I'm laughing at much alike our husbands actually are.

I feel the same way about the litter box, with our trash can. It can be overflowing, and he'll just throw more trash on top and walk away. I'm like, dude, you're the man you're supposed to take out the nasty garbage. It's the least he could do when I've filled it up taking care of the house, his kid, pets, and cooking throughout the day. [roll] But nope, he'll let it sit there until I've asked him four or five times to take it out, or I've just done it myself. We're both hard headed, so it's frustrating when I have to break down and do the shit myself in the middle of trying to cook dinner or something. He's just sittin' in front of the tube, God forbid anyone tried to pry him away from it so he could actually help out with his daughter or around the house. Sometimes I wish we didn't have t.v. but then again, I'd never get ANY me time if I couldn't stick him in front of a gun or car show. *sigh* Lol

Thankfully my husband doesn't really work with other women. Just his boss is a woman, and his boss' daughter comes into the shop a lot. I don't really worry since they're both married and Christian women. But still sometimes he talks about his boss to the point where I'm like, what was the point of that story? He just had her on his mind is all. Nbd right? Uhg. We all know she has a thing for him, too. But she's nearing 60, so I know I don't need to worry. It's just kind of annoying is all. I have to remind myself that he did talk about his last boss, and the boss before that just as much if not more, and they were men.

I'm just thankful he isn't working at Firestone anymore. That job was trouble. He flirted with girls ALL day to make sales, and he even told me so. After he quit working there I found out girls used to be literally hanging off of him and sh*t. He even cheated on me with a girl who worked at the restaurant next door to the shop. It's still hard letting that go, but it was many years ago. Before we were married and before we had a daughter. We were both really different people back then. We've come a loooonnggg way. We still have a ton to work on though.

I hate that feeling though, the one where you're just like, "Okay, whatever dude...". Because you know he's full of shit. smh

OMG I think I just found my best girlfriend. [hug][hug] He sounds EXCALTY like my husband! So much that they could almost be the same person! LOL!

Oh don't get me wrong, he's like with the trash too. He has "get his money worth out of the bag" Yeah whatever dude. lol.

Ahh I'm glad he's not working there anymore either. I couldn't deal with that. I'm such a jealous person and overly protective of everyone I claim as mine. I've found out recently that my hubby was talking to someone on the internet, a "girlfreind" if you will while we were dating, at least a year. Bothered me but what could I do about it she was miles upon miles away. That was over ten years ago. Glad I didn't know then.

I better get Kaleb to school, I'll be back though!

---------- Post added 09-20-2013 at 12:20 PM ----------

Let me tell you about my terrible cramps this morning. The came on like all of sudden, for a little while I thought my IUD (i have paragard) had perforated my uterus. Yeah the pain was that terrible, worst cramps I have ever had, almost like contractions. I went to lay down about eight thirty or nine and didn't get back up till ten thirty. I then panicked because I had to get Kaleb to school. Realized it was still cool out so we ran Jacob's jacket over to him. Then I took Kaleb to McDonald's because we don't have anything to eat really, I had planned on going to the store. Guess I'm telling you this because when hubby comes home for lunch I'll probably hear it for going out to eat. It was my money though, so it shouldn't matter. Anyways glad i'm not cramping like that anymore, it was HORRIBLE.

Lol! We sound a lot alike, too. I get really jealous also. I don't even like my husband looking in another girl's direction. I'm like, what is she better looking than me? YOU BORED!? [lol] I don't say anything when I catch him, unless he's breaking his neck. In which case I'm like, "Don't give yourself whiplash or anything. -_-" I certainly don't look at other guys, ever. If I catch a good looking guy out of the corner of my eye, I purposely look in another direction just to show my husband I don't want to look at anyone else. It's out of respect more than anything.

It's so strange that you should say you've been having contraction-like cramps. The last two days I've had the strangest back cramps. And I had awful back labor. So weird. Hope nothing weird is going on with us! Cramps are THE WORST. Yuck - girl problems. Lol

I feel like we are long lost sisters or something. [lol] I never look at guys either. Maybe I'll see one and think "Oh hey, he's cute" but won't like LOOK at him. [lol] Glad it's not just me that is jealous like that.

Huh that's so strange! I had terrible back labor too, with Kaleb! :O

Lol! [hug]

Omg, the trash thing JUST happened here. [lol]

I was never too jealous. It was something that developed the worse he treated me while treating other girls so much better, in the early years of our relationship. Then he cheated on me and I found out he'd had his ex girlfriend over at MY house while I was at work and my jealousy/fear of him being a big dummy just got really bad. I'm healing now, slowly. But it's hard to forget those feelings sometimes.

Back labor sucks, lol. I actually had my daughter face-up. Or "sunny side up" they called it. [lol] It was awful. But worth it you know?

Crazy boy just take out the trash! [illgetu] lol.

Ah I see! I understand that though, it is hard to get over feeling that way. I'm not sure why I am, I've just always been overly protective, even of my brothers. Maybe that's where it comes from, and it's worse now with hubby and my boys.

Oooh ouchie! Jacob was "sunny side up" and the doc turned him. [gonk] That was pretty terrible, good thing I had an epidural even though it messed up my back. ha. Ooh yeah so worth it. Kaleb is my little buddy, Jacob is at the "i need to get away from mom" stage. Though he's doing better lately. He watches his dad quite a bit and I think that influences how he treats me.

I have a friend who's son is doing that right now. He completely disrespects her and doesn't listen to her. I haven't said anything, how do you?, but I know it's because of the way he sees his dad treating her. He's only like four or five. My daughter is currently in the why stage. It just started this week. You realize how little you know when they start asking why, lol.

"Don't put your hands in your mouth."
"Why?"
"Because you're three, and that's how you get sick. They're dirty."
"Why?"
"Because you feel the need to touch everything?"
"Why?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS THAT'S WHY GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!" [illgetu]

[lol]

That's terrible! I really hope she gets it under control. :(

BAHAHA Kaleb is still in the why stage too. My answer is "Because I said so!" [lmao]

Has you spoken to your husband about the sprog watching his behavior towards you and copying it ?

ZOMG they're totally legs! [rofl]

Yeah, he seemed embarassed. Still talking to me the same though.

.

Caleb- I would really like to go talk to someone, but I'm sure he wouldn't agree. Besides we can't afford it anyway. Thank you for your input.

Yesterday we had a little break through, he told me how he though I felt about supper last night. I wanted him to grill outside be he didn't. Something about he thought it was too windy. Later while we were eating he said "You probably think I was just being lazy" which I didn't think that, well maybe a little, but I was proud of him for telling me something like that. He never does.

Also, yesterday we got to talking about when we were teenagers if we ever thought about suicide (no judging, heard someone on the scanner who was trying to) and he told me he did because of his mom and dad. That got me to thinking, I think alot of what is going on between us, whether he realizes it or not, comes from his parents getting divorced.

Maybe he needs to go and talk to someone about that time in his life because it may have affected him more than he's realized and this is the way it's coming out

I bet you are right HIMMIE.

I dunno but I'm having a hard time today. Self esteem is terrible, I just feel like bawling.