That's when you STAND up to him... But not that how I feel matters anyways. Apparently making yourself look good is all that matters... -.- Why do I even try..? -.-

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 02:54 PM ----------

All I hear is just excuse after excuse... But whatever. You know what... I GIVE UP.

You came back... YOU COULD HAVE RESPONDED TO IT THEN... YET YOU CHOSE TO FREAKING IGNORE IT... That is NOT OK. Someone you claim is a friend is in pain and you CHOSE to ignore a post ASKING for help in the subtext... but eh... whatever.

I can't speak for anyone else,
But you're definitely right, Cloudie.

I've always been a really, really bad friend when it comes to keeping in contact. I mean, a really bad friend. I've lost many friends over the years because I can never seem to stay in contact with them. I can't really blame anyone but myself for that. I need to get into the habit of taking better care of my friends.
But I'm naturally a shitty, shitty friend.

Most of the time, I get the whole, "Out of sight, out of mind" thing going on. But my brain is so messed up and full of so many thoughts, I can't keep up with friends and it's really, really hard for me to maintain friendships outside of places that I go habitually. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure after a year or so, I'll probably even leave here and not keep in contact with anyone when I go.

It's just in my nature. I can't keep friends. :(

I'm not sure I'm staying - It was a mistake to come back.

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 03:06 PM ----------

But Ava, you have at least tried - unlike some people! You've tried harder than others.


I'm just so fucking over people who think it's ok to make me feel like it's my fault for not staying in contact with them. That I need to try harder - not saying that's you, it's not, but just over all that's how I feel... because apparently I need to try harder than 100% to keep friends when they don't have to try at all..... And that makes me want to fucking scream.

People need to STOP making excuses, stop ignoring pleas for help... and Actually ASK DIRECTLY... "ARE YOU OK?" And genuinely listen.

BECAUSE NO... NO I AM NOT OK. NOT OK AT ALL.

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 03:08 PM ----------

A friendship works both ways... and sorry but I'm SO sick of being expected to be the one to do ALL the work.

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 03:12 PM ----------

And this is not what this thread was supposed to be about.... all this has done is made me feel even worse... -.- :/ I really shouldn't have come back.

I should probably come with a disclaimer when I meet people as friends that says something like, "WARNING: Might leave you unexpectedly because getting close to people is really scary!"

I do try my best to be a good friend. But it's really hard. I've always been a terrible friend, even since I was a kid. I never really talked to my best friend unless she talked to me first.

But really, what's going on, Cloudie?
Is it your ex? Is he giving you a hard time?

Everything... Just everything.
No, I've got him blocked everywhere.
But no just fucking EVERYTHING. Did you read any of the posts on the first page? All of that, and that's just the TIP of the ice berg..

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 03:17 PM ----------

Breaking up with my ex, having to deal with my ex from last summer who fucking resurfaced and decided to 'ask how I was doing' even though he fucking lost that, having to deal with finals, even though I wanted fucking nothing to do with school... being treated like CRAP by people I thought was friends.... Being reminded that yet again that EVERYTHING is my fault because apparently I don't try hard enough... And my best is never enough... Co-workers who're shit and treat me like it... -.-

ALL OF IT. JUST ALL OF IT.

I understood these things, I was just wondering if there was like, one really, really big trigger that made you feel this way.
But I guess I just misunderstood, I think I missed your post that said you've been feeling this way for months so I'm thinking now that it's probably the piling up of all of these things that's making you feel like this.

I really don't know what I can do or say to make your feel better. But if you ever just want to rant and let off some steam, I'm always available to email. Though, I might take a while to respond. I will do my best to.
Speaking of emails, mine is probably glitching. >> Again. D:<

Anyway. Dealing with exes is rough, I completely understand. [hug]

EVERYTHING... not just one thing. -.- I've been KEEPING all this crap inside for months now.
Because NO one gives me the fucking time of day to TRULY listen... -.-

No one ever does. Ranting doesn't help. It never lets me help. It only makes me feel WORSE.

I can't speak for other people, but I honestly don't prefer playing pretend psychologist or anything, so I prefer not giving advice or saying something that might accidentally make someone feel worse. [sweat]

If you want, I can parrot some things I've heard from years and years of therapy. (Like 6 years of therapy.) But it probably has no meaning when it's basically me just repeating what I heard from some mental health professional and I, personally, don't have the understanding that they do.

As far as boyfriends go, do you think it's something in you that's attracting jerks? I know assholes usually prey on certain people most of the time.

Yeah, but people can just ask a friend 'are you ok?' and listen instead of not bothering to ask that.. -.- I'm NOT asking for friends to play therapist or whatnot... I'm asking for my friends to be FRIENDS. I just want the respect, is that too much to ask for?

How hard is it to reach out and ask how someone is doing, as a friend... NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS.

Oh, of course it's me... it's always fucking me.. -.- It's always my fault... Of course it's my fault that they chose to TREAT me like crap.

No, it's not too much to ask at all. :)
There really isn't any excuse for a friend not to ask another how they're doing. I'm a shitty friend, so I already know I need to work on that.

I'm not blaming you. The thing is, usually, when someone is dating and all they seem to meet is assholes, it's usually because something in them is attracting assholes. It's not a fault of yours, it could be something more of a vulnerability. Like, assholes are like wild dogs, they can smell insecurities and they pick and choose those that they feel don't have the power to stand against them so they can easily abuse them. It's not to say that it's the fault of the victim, it's NEVER the victim's fault. It's ALWAYS the fault of the abuser, however, when someone is in an abusive relationship and they go from abusive relationship, to abusive relationship, to abusive relationship, it's usually because assholes are attracted to the survivor and she (or he) needs to figure out what it is that is attracting those assholes so that they can easily pinpoint what's going on and why they haven't been able to find someone who treats them with respect.

I had to go through the same thing. I've only ever dated, really, one man in my life and I thought he was the one for me. He kept telling me how we'd get married and he'd cook for me and he'd buy me a lovely home and I'd have his children and we'd be happy. I mean, it sounds like he was Mr. Perfect, right? Well, I was 14 and he was 24. My parents were overbearing, I had no friends in school, I was depressed and here comes this man telling me that he'll give me love for the rest of my life. Well, he kept pressuring me to have his baby. And I'm 14!! Thank goodness I never did, but still, I mean, he was an asshole and I realize that now. But I was vulnerable, I was young, I had no friends, I was insecure. I mean, assholes can sense that. He sensed it and took advantage of it. Sooo... was I the one who was at fault? (Maybe partially.) But for the most part, no. He was the abuser, he is the one who is at fault. However, it was my own vulnerability that made me the 'victim' in that case. So, what I'm trying to say is...

There could be something about you that attracts assholes. It's not your fault, you're not to blame for it. But if you're meeting asshole after asshole and it doesn't seem to be getting better maybe it's something about you that attracts them. The key is to figure out the vulnerabilities and pinpoint them to change or work on them. :)

Sorry I rambled a lot!

Yeah, but apparently it's my fault because I keep fucing finding them... -.- But what the fuck ever.
Yeah, but saying that it's something about me... means it's my fucking fault.
Sorry.... But I'm just over all this fucking bullshit.
There's always something fucking wrong with me... -.-

I'm not fucking looking for someone to fucking date.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO One OUT THERE FOR ME DESPITE WHAT PEOPLE SAY.... -.- *SCREAMS*

ALL I AM FUCKING LOOKING FOR IS FRIENDS WHO FUCKING GIVE ME RESPECT... APPARENTLY THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. -.-

But whatever, it doesn't matter. No one listens anyways.

Okay, Cloudie.
I totally understand.

However, I wasn't saying that it's your fault. It's never, ever the victim's fault in cases of abuse. But I do understand how you'd think that.

I know you're not looking for dating someone, I just thought since you had mentioned earlier that you were upset about dating nothing but jerks, I thought I'd give you my two cents on the matter.

But I do understand, Cloudie.

Well if it's something WRONG with fucking me that I need to fucking change... then it's my fucking fault.... BECAUSE it's all because of fucking me. -.- Because I fucking attract those fucking jerks.

Likelihood of it being something you are to blame for is unlikely.

I mean, if you knew someone who was in one abusive relationship after another, I mean, constantly, would you think that they are in the fault? Jerks are like animals. They prey on people they think are weaker, and it's by no means the person's fault. Like, in my own experience, I was victimized because I had the vulnerability factors: no friends, young, easily influenced, parents who were overbearing and too religious to understand anything about me. I mean, those things are attractive to a predator. Doesn't mean it was my fault, doesn't mean I purposely went out to FIND him or anything. It just meant that there were things I needed to change. Insecurity, can easily be fixed, no friends, also can be remedied, lack of parental support... can't really be remedied, but I had other people in my life that could have served the purpose of support. So. I mean, yeah.

It's not your fault and I wasn't blaming you for what was happening.
I was just offering my two cents.

Doesn't make it fact. It could be just coincidence that they are all assholes.

Whatever.... -.- Still doesn't make me feel like it wasn't my fault... BECAUSE that is how I do feel.... But whatever. -.-
Doesn't make me feel any better... I'm so close to just SCREAMING. -.-


Apparently I'm just a naive person, who EVERYONE fucking thinks that needs to be controlled and treated like crap... -.- NOT even guys... JUST EVERYONE. But whatever.

All I was saying was as friends, I just am asking for being treated with the respect that everyone else want.
HOW HARD IS it to actually just ask someone "How are you doing?"


But you know what...


I FUCKING GIVE UP. -.-

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 04:26 PM ----------

I'm just so fucking tired of being the one who's ALWAYS EXPECTED to be there for everyone else... YET hardly anyone ever asks me "ARE YOU DOING Ok?" To check in with me... IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?! APPARENTLY SO! -.-

But Cloudie, I asked you on Facebook how you're doing! And we're talking! Right now! :D
And I'm going to do a better job at asking you that from now on, so no need to worry [yes]

[hug] Thanks.

More just talking in general broad terms.
So many people that over the course of our friendship I've tried to reach out yet most people NEVER take the time to reach out the other way. [yes]

Ohhh okay! I understand!

I just feel like the majority of people take me for granted.... well I will no longer be the one to reach out to anyone anymore. Because I'm tired of being the only one who tries.

That is totally understandable, Cloudie. :(
You're right, though. It doesn't take that much effort just to ask someone how they are doing. I also need to do a better job of doing that. And not just to you, but to all of the people I like to consider friends.

Basically I'm fucking sick of people taking me for granted... because one day, I will not be there when you need someone to talk to. -.- And you'll realize what you've lost. And too bad, because by then... I'll be too hurt by what's all happened to ever take anyone back.... I'm becoming more and more closed off....less and less likely to let people in because of ALL of this...

I completely understand, Cloudie.
Letting people in is scary and it's not easy. Especially if you already have walls that are building.
I already know, I'm a bad friend, I will definitely not be surprised if (not just you) all of my friends one day go, "Why am I still talking to Ava?!"

You have every right to feel the way you do, though.

I'm not one to give up on friends... That's not just who I am.
I'm tired of feeling taken advantage of.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who is trying to make it work most of the time.
I'm tired of people assuming that I'll always be there... when they don't take the time to check to see if I'm doing ok.... They just assume that if I don't say anything I'm ok - when I'm FAR from it.

How many of you know that I was on the phone with my parents a MONTH before graduation BEGGING them to come and bring me home BECAUSE I no longer cared about graduating?
How many of you know how many times I cried myself to sleep because my roommates treated me like fucking crap? Because I didn't feel welcome in my own home while I was at school AT ALL THIS YEAR.
THAT the only reason I stuck with school for 8 fucking years... was because I didn't want let my fucking friends and family down... -.- I am to the point where I LOATHE school... -.-
How many of you knew that I was going through an abusive relationship while I was in school?

How many of you knew that my roommates treated me like crap...? And who bothered to ask me if I was ok despite all of that... NO ONE.

That I spent the entire year STRUGGLING... needing my friends, but NO ONE asked me if I was ok. NOT ONCE.

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 06:30 PM ----------

I NEEDED my friends... but no one decided that they needed to check in and ask me "Hey, are you ok?" Just because I never showed it... does not give a PROPER excuse for NOT checking in with someone you claim to be a fucking friend! -.- Sorry, but it doesn't. I NEEDED PEOPLE TO BE THERE FOR ME... as a FRIEND... and I really had no one... -.- But that's ok... just as long as YOU are happy with your lives... APPARENTLY I don't fucking matter.

---------- Post added 06-17-2015 at 06:32 PM ----------

Because your happiness and you feeling better about yourselves is clearly more important than something so small like a friendship with someone.
NEXT time you need someone... I may not be there...BECAUSE I'm so freaking tired of being taken advantage of and people assuming I'll always be there. That's how PISSED off I am right now. I'm so extremely pissed off... -.-

I completely understand how you are feeling, Cloudie.
And I do not blame you one bit for feeling that way.

In fact, I'd have to agree, if someone doesn't even ask how you are doing, it is rather sad because it doesn't take much effort to do such. Also, it's just common courtesy. The world is full of people who only care about themselves. Finding real friends is hard.
Then you've got people like me who just get scared to make friends.

You shouldn't have to feel like you're being taken advantage of. I think I could definitely do a better job of being more considerate as a friend. It's not too much to ask for friends to be considerate. In fact, friends should be considerate as it is.