RANDOM - Reflections on Being Back II

Perhaps that was why I had cried the second time I left. I wasn't entirely sure why I was crying then. I had only teared the first time I left, but the second time, it was like something had broken inside of me. I think that by then I had finally realized what it was to leave and didn't want to go. Maybe something in me knew that by leaving a second time I would have to grow up.

I cannot quite be forced back into my old self that the others babied and mothered. Yes, I do like being spoiled, but I have grown to love my independence.

I suppose what I missed while I was up here was not simply being back but of what used to be. You see, I never wanted to grow up. And now that it has begun to happen, I suppose it's not so bad. Yes, it would be nice to be cared for forever, but there is something so very satisfying about establishing your own place and accomplishing something that is all your own. One couldn't have that if one never grew up.

It is nice to hear these in another's words without it having to be brought up by yourself in conversation. How oddly similar it is, no matter where you are, and yet, it feels that lingering awkwardness that seems to stay still.

Also thank you for a drabble topic ^^

Haha. I will be a never-ending source of drabble topics for you! xD Actually, I was gonna bring it up in conversation with you next time I saw you on aim or skype, but then I got impatient and just dumped it all here, which, of course, just made it fly out of my mind completely. xD

RANDOM - Reflections

Upon sitting here and meditating, I have come to the conclusion that I have a nearly fatal attraction to golden skin, intense dark eyes, and pretty hair. Alas, well, I suppose I've finally found that one boy I want but cannot have.

I don't know why this is still bothering me. This dream should just go away like all the others; I can mourn after it, but it should not haunt me. It should simply be there, and I will find nothing left to do with it, ending it.

Of course, I could simply be holding on subconsciously because I've nothing to do here. Really, I'm simply not as free here as I was there. The life style just doesn't allow for it.

And then there is the fact that our intentions were not merely innocent. I took and gave so little, but I still feel like a whore. It was not mine to take, but a not so small part of me delighted in it--it was the human part of me.

RANDOM - The Human Part
(Yes, this topic came to me right in the middle of my last drabble, which I ended abruptly to write this. xD)

People have reason--the ability to think--it is what separates us from all the others. We write books; do calculations; we solve puzzles. This is what sets up apart. We are different--we are human.

But then, cannot a machine do these things? Cannot computers break through codes? Cannot a calculator solve an equation more accurately than any man?

How, then, can this be the human part of people?

Conversely, is the human part the direct opposite. There is the phrase, "he/she is only human," said as if to excuse a fault. Humans have needs and desires that must be fulfilled, and sometimes, in order to fulfill them, they become animalistic--or perhaps, they simply return to their true human nature.

RANDOM - Conversation

It is utterly pathetic how I can become so absorbed in your conversation, although I suppose it happens with others besides you. It's like I'm some half starved creature looking for company.

I must be the dullest person to converse with. It's not that I'm antisocial. I don't mind socializing, but I lack the art of maintaining a flowing conversation. Every time there's a conversation, I am immersed in the other person's words, yet I have nothing to say. My mind does not like to speak out loud, but in writing. Some master of words I am that I can only write them down. I find that I am always waiting for the other person to lose interest, to stop trying, to simply trail off into awkward silence because that is how conversations always seem to go with me.

I think I think to much, and that is my downfall. I am always thinking and never living in the moment. I'm thinking about something in parallel and I'm not paying attention to my response. It's not that I'm not listening--I am listening. I am simply not answering well.

6. Star-crossed Lovers
(Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! She's actually using the list again! The apocalypse is coming! The apocalypse is coming! xD)

The term is portrayed as a romantic notion when, in reality, it sucks. In the stories it's oh-so dramatic with the two lovers loving each other with all their love when it is fated to never be! The reader often gets lost in the "but they love each other and will endure" part and never get to contemplating the actual "endure" part.

Yes, they imagine angst and woe, but they always think of the happier chapters. The readers are free to live in these brighter memories, but not so the lovers.

For the lovers it sucks. It really, really sucks. A part of their soul has been awoken, but the fire is dying and turning to ash because it cannot be. They finally realized what they were missing only to have lost it. Loss makes for wisdom, but ignorance is bliss. In knowing true love, they know true pain.

How this situation got to become a romantic notion is rather ironic. It just shows how twisted the human mind really is.

RANDOM

It's rather infuriating that I turn into such a school girl when it comes to you. I hate the fact that the conversation must play over and over in my head. Get over it. It was just a bloody conversation. Seriously.

Yet... It made me happy, deliriously happy. My god, I really am too bored here. I need a life besides sitting and musing about life. It's not healthy to simply muse and never live.

But it's--oh, screw this. I miss him. There.

RANDOM - Out of touch

Keep in touch.

She left the words like a kiss on my skin. They were as light as a breath, but they just wouldn't go away.

"I'm sorry, but I can't," I wanted to say but didn't. You just don't say those things in farewells. But it's a lie, I won't keep in touch. I just don't. It's not something I do.

Of course, it's not like I'll fall off the face of the earth, but there is just so much of me that is living in the now that is has trouble recollecting why I should still be thinking of the then. If the then chooses to come and be in my now, there's no problems with that for the then becomes the now, and I'm in it.

I won't turn away contact, but I usually won't initiate it. It's not a fear or a hate; it's more of an apathy; it's laziness; it's forgetfulness. Most of the time it is the last.

Keep in touch.

It's not that I don't mean to. I mean to, but it just never happens, and then everyone slips away...

RANDOM

And so last night, I came to the devastating conclusion that I have never truly loved anyone, as in loved someone in a way other than family. Indeed I have never truly like a person. I have liked idolized versions of people, so overly idealized and far from themselves. I am far more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being in love.

The thing is, I would love to be in love. The problem is I have no lover. And so out of desperation and impatience, I have dreamt up lovers based on fancies and loose realities. This is how all of my lovers were. This is how pathetic I am. I have never truly liked or loved someone for real. It was all attraction and then run away with a fairy tale.

And it was in this great abyss of misery and angst, I realized that I was being very silly. I am only seventeen. Well, actually, I'm not, but for some reason I forgot my age. No matter, the sentiment is still the same. I am so young. There is still time. Most people my age don't think about this stuff like this. I suppose that is one of my greatest faults--I think too much and too seriously.

Because of that, my lacking love life is perfectly explainable. I have realized the goal, but have dismissed the lessons to get to it as immaturity. Perhaps others are farther ahead, but I am where I am. One should enjoy the present of where one is, not degrade it. After all, one will only be young once.

::hugs psyrien:: I remember and still have idealistic fantasies (yes even while I am with other people). Sometimes i wish I could return back to them, and well maybe I still do, just when I am not with someone now. I think this thought process along with others actually shows you are maturing and growing up, and yet, I know one feels behind at times. And yes, being young once, I wish alot I could go back, but apparently I can no longer.

Baaaah. I don't wanna grow up, but at some point it's just not enough. Whether it's the world forcing me or just me realizing it, I'm finding that despite my previous conviction to never grow up, I want to. It's annoying being like this. I wish I was just happy the way I was. *sighs* But you can never go back...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...1214294047.png

Art Piece Reflection

I did not fully intend to draw you. Indeed, I really didn't. Well, not only you. The skin tone is yours; the jacket, and shirt are things I've seen you wear. But that hat is different. Honestly, it's more like my own than yours. And then the necklace does not belong to you but to a different boy--one that sings prettily. And then that hair is no one's. It's the classic emo hair that covers one eye.

It's like I drew one of the ideals I fell in love with. It's not quite either of them, but they're very similar.

At least I can say this isn't you. It isn't even your hat.

RANDOM

The sounds of the night
Are far from silent
They are subtle
But just as numerous
As the tumult of day.

There is a far off rushing
Of cars or wind
There is the soughing
Of the night time breeze
There are the quiet footsteps
Lightly placed in the dark.

And every so often
There is the loud punctuation
Of a trash can overturned
Or a boisterous cat
The yelping of a dog.

But then things become quiet
And there are only
The sounds of the night.

RANDOM

Oh why must material wealth bring such grief? Why does it seem to have the power to draw up the tiny nuances that we would have otherwise let go? It sharpens our memories and makes our logic cold and calculating. Why must it make misers out of all us?

It makes the generous hearted protest and say, "But I gave that up! It didn't matter! It was so small!" It makes the quiet ones yell out and say that, "I have been doing this for so long!"

It's such a tangled web, and I can do not but sit within it. I am but the fly caught, watching the two spiders squabble. And the fly can do nothing. The fly cannot even offer itself up to solve the problem--if it could, it would. And nothing the fly says will be done. It will simply be snapped at and simply make the spiders hide the problem away from it. More lies. More secrets. The problem will not go away.

RANDOM

It is your fault that you think many things should be common sense. It is my joke to say that there's nothing common about it. However, it is true in a sense. Everything that you want to think is common knowledge isn't. We are not mind readers, and if you do not say something, we cannot know it. And to expect us to is pure ludicrousness. We are not telepathic, and even love does not reach that far.

Lovers know so much about each other because they talk to each other. Yes, sometimes they are able to sense things, but it is not constant. Lovers still do not read each other's minds. They simply don't.

You expect too much of the world. We do not know you intricately to know exactly what you want. Yes, we want to please you, and so we try, but we don't know what to do.

RANDOM

Yes, I have said that my life was boring, but do you have to make it sound so... shallow? I don't know, perhaps I simply come across that way. Goodness knows that it's not the first time people have been surprised I have a brain.

I don't like being called blonde. I really don't. And I'm really not. But I guess that's what my manner alludes to? I wish it didn't, but I enjoy being myself. I simply don't like being considered so very shallow all the time.

Yes, food and the sun make me happy, and I know it wasn't meant in such a way, but there is so much more to me than that. I mean, come on, I'm not that primitive a creature.

RANDOM

How can anything be explained by silence? Yes, there are times for it, but not when something is trying to be discussed. And then the short lashes accomplish nothing.

I really don't know who is wrong or right. I really don't care. Can't you just stop?

I don't know. Just discuss things like the adults you're supposed to be. Stop this "I'm not talking to you" and "I'm not going to even give you a chance anymore" crap and just get along. And you, just shut up and actually listen for once. Is it really that hard to actually hear someone's words, comprehend them, and take them to heart?

I guess I could understand a lot about politics, but I only understand what's happening, not how to fix it because this has never been solved.

RANDOM

There really is no reason to cry. They aren't yelling at you. It isn't your fault. But for some reason, you just can't help it.

Them fighting is something like betraying you. They are supposed to be faithful, forever, an example, something to count on. And them doing this again awakens a ghost of the past, and you think it just might fall apart again.

But things are supposed to have changed. And they have for some time, but now it feels like things are regressing. It's not a good feeling.

RANDOM

Well, at least I'm used to sitting through arguments. Now I understand how I survived my last group project when all of my other group members wanted to kill each other. I'm used to it. I am satisfied with poking and analyzing the opposers in my head, so there's no need to blow up at anyone. Anyways, it was never my place to stick my nose there; nothing would be solved by me saying anything anyways.

So yes, the rushing river will pass by, and the boulder will never be disturbed. However, as time wears on, the boulder is eroded by river, and in the end there will be nothing left.

RANDOM

I don't know how it happened or when it happened. It probably happened sometime before, but I'm simply realizing it now. Kendo was never something I loved before. I didn't think I was great at it. I was always over praised by my sensei, so I dismissed all his praise as lies. It wasn't till later that I learned there was truth behind that praise and could appreciate it.

I suppose my love began during my iikyu exam. During that one match when I was quite literally thrown and ended up holding my ground, I gained a sort of pride. I did good, and I knew I did good, and it wasn't anyone else telling me so.

And then I left it. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. I missed exercise, yes, but not just exercise--kendo. Lifting weights and running on a tread mill isn't the same. It feels mindless. There's no purpose, no philosophy. ...and those things lack the satisfaction of hitting things and the physical contact.

And then I came back and one night I was all alone. The class was small, so it wasn't that good of a practice. But I still loved it. I don't know why, but I was utterly happy when I came home. I no longer needed friends there, although they did make things more fun. It was pure love of kendo.

Then tonight I was able to teach. I normally despise teaching. I don't know how to do it, but I found myself suddenly correcting postures and strikes. I suppose I knew more than I thought.

I really don't want to have to give this up again.

RANDOM - Loved

Honestly, I never expected all this. Already I knew I would be having a wonderful dinner, but I didn't really think about my presents or the people I'd be seeing. And then there were those little extras that I didn't even think about, but overwhelmed me.

I thought one of my presents was a power drill--how like the architecture student--which I would have been happy about because it would be sensible. But then I opened it to reveal Wii Fit. I was totally not expecting it at all.

And then at church, I saw a phantom of my past. I didn't speak with him or anything because I don't think I really can bring myself to do so yet, but I was happy to have seen him. I'd been wondering about him.

After I got to play with my new present. The best part about it was that it wasn't just me playing, the entire family was with me, including my aunty and mother who never play video games. It was hilarious. It's been a long time since we got to play something all together without blowing up at each other.

And the dinner... Oh it was everything I wanted! Well, not everything, but only one thing short, and the rest was so excellent that it didn't matter.

When I got home I was prepared to play some brawl, check my email, and turn in since I work early tomorrow. I didn't quite get past cheking my email.

Oodles and oodles of facebook notifications saying people wrote on my wall to wish me happy birthday--people I was close to, people I was once friends with, people I've barely even talked to. Yes, it was something so exquisitely small for them to have done, but the amount of them that did it was overwhelming. I knew some would come, but not that many. I just couldn't believe it. It was crazy.

I may not have a lover, but I am loved nonetheless.

RANDOM - The Phantom of the Past

So what do you mean to me, you challenging mirror? You, yourself, mean nothing for I cannot I honestly say I knew you. I was young and stupid then and tended to write off most strangers as stereotypes. I only thought of myself and didn't even try to get to know you.

In a sense, I used you--I did not mean to, but it does not change the fact that I did. The manner in which I acted was most immature and stupid. I really don't know what I expected you to do--produce a miracle perhaps? It's something I shouldn't have expected of anyone. I behaved a fool and am shamed to remember it.

How I wish I could have come back changed and rub it in your face! The sad part is that yes, I am changed. But I cannot bring myself to simply approach you after all that. Perhaps I am not change enough. Or perhaps that is simply not who I am and is asking too much.

You made me realize the situation. You were a listening ear. You made me want to change. And then you made me realize that I can't. I do not even know you, yet you've have taught me a lot. I'm sure it's not quite the lesson you wanted and wouldn't quite know what to do with thanks if I ever delivered them to you, but I give it freely onto the night air to be blown your way by a wind of chance. Thank you.

I must say I'm very impressed with how many drabbles you've got here. :0 It's quite inspiring!

I keep wanting to write more, but I'm not sure if I'd keep up with drabbles. I suppose the only way to find out is to try though. XD;

(And feel free to delete this post if you didn't want comments.)

Comments are welcome! I like them because it lets me know that someone out there is actually reading them. ^^

And it was hard to keep up with the drabbles at first. Using the list became more of a hindrance than inspiration, so I just started to write whatever was on my mind. It sort of became my lj but more poetic and allegorical. xD

Good luck with your own drabbles! ^^