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-   -   The Moment [C+C loved] (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63967)

Taya De Luca 07-19-2007 11:42 PM

The Moment [C+C loved]
 
I cannot help but see the perfection,
In every little thing that you do,
You show me so little affection,
But no matter, you are forever you,

I live for those moments you talk to me,
The way you touch my shoulder,
If only you could look and see,
That around you I am made bolder,

The moment I crave most,
Is the moment you are near,
When you speak or even boast,
Your voice I want to hear,

The only problem I can see,
Is how you love another,
So your best friend I will be,
So this moment I can treasure.

Stereo 07-20-2007 12:55 AM

Alright - it's a nice beginning, I think, but it definetly needs some work.

Your rhyme is very impressive, I like it a lot. You're also not using typical rhyming pairs all the time, which I respect. They're neat, not forced, and fitting. The only one that's not quite as good is the last another-treasure pair. I think you might have to re-work that last stanza - it is possible to say the same thing in different words that might sound better together. I don't suggest trying to replace just the two words though, because I doubt you can come up with something natural-sounding. And because it's quite important for a poem to have an effective ending, not a shaky one, I'd suggest scrapping that stanza and re-writing it entirely.

Another issue is the rhythm. I read all poems out loud, because that's the most important factor in a poem to me - how it sounds when it's spoken. I'd still say your poem is far better than most in that respect, and I quite like reading it - but it took me a while to find a good tempo, and I still sumble over a few lines.

The first two, to me, are begging to be read as

'I cannot help by see perfection,
In every little thing you do'

The second line of the second stanza might sound better if it was 'for the way you touch my shoulder'. It also makes more sense that way, because 'the way you touch my shoulder' is a bit disjointed from the logical flow there, it's almost like an island.

The third stanza I think is quite nice. <3 The only thing I'd pick at is another matter of logic - why not ' your voice I love to hear', instead of want? I mean, if this person is speaking/boasting, you've obviously hearing their voice already, so how can you want to hear it? The fact that you love hearing them speak seems to make more sense.

And I already gave you my deal with the last stanza.

So, a few tweaks and adjustments, and I think it could be quite a pretty poem. Good job so far, like I said - I really like certain parts of it. <33


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