Kemeny's Journal
 

It's actually just the first part of a story I'm writing. Can you tell me what you think?

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A Long Journey to Be a Knight
As a child I always admired knights. To me, they were a force to be reckoned with. To me, they were the elite force governing the land and the emperor was just a figure head.
As I entered the service I was shocked and hurt that the knights were no more than a power-hungry bunch of old men and that the emperor was the only man who could keep them in line, my respect for the emperor grew.
One day, when I was still a squire, I heard General Salcum discussing something with a stranger, something about poisoning the emperor. The general was a trusted man, and rumors had it that if the emperor were to die, he would be made emperor.
I listened in and found out that the General was planning to poison the emperor that night. I couldn't just stand by and see the emperor killed!
That night, I snuck into the kitchens and saw the general sprinkle poison on the emperor's plate of food. After he left I quickly changed their plates, the emperor's and the general's that is. As the servants served the food I watched from the kitchen, when the emperor took the first bite and pronounced it good, the general was shocked! When he on the other hand took his first bite, he fell down dead.
The emperor was outraged. All the generals were, they searched the kitchens and found me, I told them what I knew and they searched the general's clothing and found the poison. The emperor thanked me and promised me an important job when my training was over for saving his life.
Important job huh? I wonder if this it it....

Not bad, but it isn't very exciting for a beginning. Instead of telling us in a long block, try showing the scene unfold. It will spread out the moment, add a decent sized chapter and give us suspence, in addition to introducing character personalities.
-When the general is poisoned, if I were the emperor and I had trusted him, I would not believe some little squire who claimed that the poison was set up by the general to kill me. I would think that your main character had done it, and was using that crazy story as a alibi. Also, would it not just be easy for someone to sneak the poison into the general's clothing? Would he even be stupid enough to keep it on his person?
-This whole thing is broken into incorrectly formatted paragraphs. It could all be condensed into one. I also think that by extending this by showing instead of telling, it will read a lot more smoothly and naturally.
-I'm not entirely sure that the society and military systems of that time had 'generals'. Or that knights served under emperors.
-Why does he get involved with the politics. No leader is perfect, after all, and it seems a bit silly to risk his life by killing a general just to save the emperor who will probably just get killed by another of these scheming men.


Most of the questions I am asking I don't need the answers too; but you should, to avoid plot gaps.

Keep working on it and good luck!