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Part of my story [please read and comment]
This is only a part of chapter one. I'm still thinking of the title of the book. I have a few choices, like Behind the Rain, Truth of the Rain, Book of the Rain. Something like that. You might not get the title yet though. Some things in this part are like that for a reason. Like his last words have a reason behind them.
Please enjoy and comment, suggest, critise, etc. Tears flowed from her eyes. More and more came as they rolled down her cheeks. Horror flashed over her face as kind eyes stared down at her. She would never, in her life, ever forget this day. It tore her heart, the sight she was seeing. She wished that this day never came. She wished she could go back in time, to prevent the event from the night before. People gathered around, curious of the event going on. Neighbors started talking to one another, discussing why the poor man was up there. Many were shocked at his young age. Slowly, the chattered died away as an old man in a suit started walking up the wood stairs. In his hand, he held a scroll tired with a red ribbon. He stopped walking as he stood before another man. The young man wore rags and around his neck was a rope. The rope was attached to a pole, taller than he. Next to the pole, behind the old man, stuck out of the ground, a wooden stick. The red ribbon fell to the floor, as the old man opened the scroll. "By the power of the government, I shall speak thee crimes which was done to bring us here today. This young man, which you see standing before you, named Shinri [last name here], has committed several crimes. Some are serious, others are minor, but we shall still not avoid anything against the law. He has offended the government with nonsense threats, murdered fellow people, and stole utmost important items. There are also some minor crimes with these, such as, carrying around a banned item, the katana. For all the crimes this young man has done, I shall say thee before you, my people, for your approval, that he is to be hung!" Gasps rose above the crowd as he finished talking. After a few moments, the group's emotions turned from shock to rage. They yelled and chanted, "Hang him! Hang him! Hang him!" A small smirk rose on the old mans' face. No one was paying attention to him, except one girl. The only one who disagreed with all this. The only one who thought he should stay alive. The only one who cared for the man who was about to die. The old man turned towards Shinri, his smirk fading. He raised his hand, silencing the crowd. "Do you have any last words before you disappear from this world forever?" Shinri's deep blue eyes searched the crowd until his soft eyes rested on that certain person. He closed them for a few moments before he spoke. "I'm sorry that I could not be with you any longer, Rain. I shall miss you, like you shall miss me. But don't become depressed. I will always be with you. Don't forget those sakura trees we planted together when we first met. Goodbye. I love you." Shinri closed his eyes once more as the old man's hands grabbed onto the wooden stick. He pulled it down and the wood under Shinri vanished. His body fell, until pulled by the rope. He kept his eyes closed as he slowly died. It was a never-ending storm of tears that flowed from Kosame's eyes. People walked away, one by one, as the event ended, leaving her behind. Her legs felt weak and she fell onto her knees, keeping her hands to her face. She tried to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t. They didn't want to. Raindrops softly pounded against the town, mixing with her tears. She lifted her head slightly, staring up at the man she loved. "Why, Shinri?" She could feel the tears coming down her cheeks, falling into the puddles of the rain. Thunder crackled in the distance, lighting up the area for a few seconds. She sniffed, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes, but they still wouldn't stop. "It didn't have to end this way… did it? Did it really have to end like this? Shinri, tell me why this happened! What have you done? I know, that you would never kill someone! Didn't you care for me like I cared for you?!" Her forehead stared to redden, with a headache. She put one hand over it, closing her eyes. She took in the pain as she added softly, "Why… why did you leave me?" Kosame could feel her body getting heavy and her head was heating up. She felt her breath becoming shallower and her eyes starting to hurt. The rain began to feel sharp, like needles piercing her skin. Her breath started to come in pants. She felt her body falling. She felt the splash of rain hit her. She slowly closed her eyes as she lay there. Lying there in the rain, she fell unconscious. |
... Great story. I could imagine the entire scene. ^_^ Keep it up!
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Thank you very much!
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Very emotional, I would have either kept reading trying to figure out if there was a way for him to come back, or what had happened, or I would have put it down thinking there couldn't possibly be a happy ending. But that's just me..I'm a happy ending sort person.
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Thank you for your comment.
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Wow. I love it. You're a great writer. ^^ The title 'Behind the Rain' sounds intriguing. It's funny, when I read the titles you were thinking, and when I read Shinri last words, I thought the girl was named Rain... I just looked up the meaning of Kosame and it means rain. xD Anyway, excellent work. Keep it up. =) |
I love it. Very original and it kept my attention as well. Good detail too. Wish I could read more, but if you get it published, I would love it if you'd send me the title ^^
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I thought that this story was really good.
The details were also good, I could picture myself there amongst the crowd. It was very dramatic, but that is what I like about it. Post more soon. |
dark: Thank you very much. saito: Thank you very much. And sure, I will. But it might take awhile for me to publish it since I'm only 13 years old. pixel: Thank you very much. I'll add more as soon as I write some more. |
You're only 13, and you wrote something like that? My goodness, you must be really smart. Not to mention more mature than most your age. Wow. The stories I wrote when I was 13 was never that good. When you complete it, I bet you could easily find an agent and get it published... Might have to get a job..Unless your parents are willing to pay.
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Yeah, I actually wrote
that in school while watching a movie. But I'm turning 14 in less than a month and when I do I plan to get a job. I hope to get it published one day. Whenever I finish it. |
Wow... That's so cool. You have real talent. Hopefully someone will pick up on that ^^
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Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
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Hmmm. You have an interesting, straightforward style, and that's what's good about it.
I will admit, though, that I am a bit confused, though this could be b/c this is simply a fragment of a story you wrote, correct? Thus, I have no idea whether or not your story takes place in a fantasy world, or in a place grounded here. If it's a fantasy world, I do not think it is the best idea to use Japanese names. It happens a lot and sometimes it's very tiresome. It's your story, of course, but a little bit of originality in the names goes a long way. If it is in Japan--either present or past--I'd recommend doing a bit of research on execution methods done. I do not believe that hanging was ever one of them. Please don't think I'm trying to be offensive--I'm just trying to help. A little bit more of the story's background won't hurt, either. :) Good luck! |
Thank you.
It's going to take place in a fantasy world because of some of things that happen that I know didn't happen in Japan, but it also is kind of olden day. Also, I used the names because each person's name means something that correispondes with the story. I understand that japanese names aren't original, but I don't really mind that. |
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Wow, that's very nice.
I'd like to see the completed story. And I hope that one day you'll go ahead and get it published. |
Thank you very much.
I plan to complete it one day and publish it. |
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