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-   -   i miss you (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=75959)

AllyMay 11-02-2007 04:51 AM

i miss you
 
as the sun sets in the sky it begins to get dark.
and it also begins to set on my heart.
you turn around and look me in the eyes.
i stare back into your dark brown eyes.
i try to smile but all i can do is cry.
your hand brushes agenst my cheek were my tears are.
and i start to cry harder as u hold me agenst you.
i cuddle my self into your arms and just cry.
you push me up a little bit and kiss me.
it makes me cry even more as u start to walk away.
i collapse to the floor and bawl.
you look back at me and say you love me as you run.
you run out to your plane and they shut the door. i run over to the window and yell your name.
no please dont leave me i think to my self.
but there is nothin you can do now.
the plane has already taken off nto the sky.
as the plane goes higher i cry harder.
as the years go by i have heard nothin from you.
untill the one day that u decide to call me.
but just to break up with me and leave me.
now i cry every day because i miss you.
and i know there is nothin i can do to get you back.
i give up my life now. i dont care any more.

iViolent 12-07-2007 11:29 PM


It is good, however very repetitive with the whole crying thing.
Instead, maybe say why she cries.
Later in the poem it suggests it is because her man is leaving her.
Why not say why [she is] or why she loves him and will miss him.
Its good but try revising it a bit and adding detail.


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