It will. It will likely take time, and it will. How old is she again? Both are still a way from "legal" adults, hey? Do you think she'd feel better living with you guys? There would be rules there with you guys, too. Granted, her mom seems majorly unstable... so it's more than just the rules.

She's 13 now, 14 in August. She would be starting 9th grade at the local highschool. I just hope that whatever happens is for the best.

Aaron talked to his ex this afternoon on his lunch break and we have another 'try it out' coming up this summer. Aaron is already going to sit down with Pam and explain that her mother may think this is a 'trial' but we're playing for real and ideally within a couple of weeks of her staying here we're going to have to do things like start filling out paperwork for school and making adjustments here.

What sucks is we can't go to friend of the court until August for a child support adjustment. We will be able to claim Pam until then and get back half of what we pay for her...It kinda is a load of bullshit the way the court system works. I'm hoping if she does come to live and her brother stays that the court will just null any charges to either family. I don't think it will work that way, and more than likely one of us will still end up paying something. *sighs*

I hate to be petty about money but we're still paying $400 a month in child support fees and that's nothing to shake a stick at...

It won't last forever, though for now... yes, $400 is a substantial chunk of change. Have there been any updates this weekend?

There has been. Apparently the mother said that if Pam lives with us, and Tristan stays with her that she would have friend of the court drop any monthly charges. We would still need to keep the insurance on the kids as soon as Aaron is able to get insurance on us, and any medical bills she actually specifically stated will be shared 50/50 between them. That I think is much fairer as the system for some reason had it at a 63/47 in her favor, which isn't much but it adds up.

Pam has told dad this Friday at Tristan's baseball game that she has every intention of moving up. I think she is bringing her clothes up two weeks from this weekend and officially moving in then. That's when the summer season starts as the school got held back as they had a LOT of snow days this year. Also, Tristan's baseball finishes up that Friday. It's also the weekend of J-Fax (our local anime convention that we go to every year) so it's kind of a big weekend.

At first I was excited, as you said I had wanted this all along...except I had convinced myself to pull myself away emotionally as I was becoming too invested in their well being, and every time their mother did something I didn't agree with it broke my heart. I wish I could feasibly take Tristan in as well as their mother's boyfriend has been a bit much with the rest of the family. I think part of it is because of Pam and her boyfriend clashing but apparently he is very moody and goes off on benders for no reason. Pam says she usually has to get after him to leave Tristan alone. From my understand there isn't any physical violence, it's just all mental BS going on. From what she describes it that sometimes it is "preempted" - they forget to brush their teeth, or Pam doesn't do the dishes right away and he gets cranky. She claims sometimes there isn't any rhyme or reason to it.

Apparently their mother and this boyfriend of hers fought A LOT 2-3 years ago, but now it's gotten better with her working. Also her mother is once again talking of moving out of his house. I have already told Pam, as I don't know how to approach their mother about it...not until Pam is settled and in school...but I want to let her know that Tristan is more than welcome to come with us. It wouldn't be ideal living as we're in a two bedroom house...but It would be on a temporary basis while she establishes herself, and then once she is good he is more than welcome to move back in with her. I don't want her to feel like we're taking her children away, but I really think that Aaron and I's marriage is much more stable and would be a better environment for both children.

---------- Post added 06-08-2013 at 04:35 PM ----------

And I do want Tristan, too, but I feel this arrangement would be best all around for both families given the circumstances. I would take Tristan in in a heartbeat, but I know he is a mommy's boy and I don't know if he would want to leave her or not. He says he does, but he also says it's mainly because of his mom's boyfriend - if he 'knocked it off' or was no longer in the picture he said he would rather stay with mom. That's OK and I'm cool with that. I think this is a happy medium. It's not ideal, but what in life really is?

Also, the past couple of days I've been riding on emotions of feeling of wanting very badly for this to happen (as every time before then), but then feeling apprehensive. Worried that it would change the dynamic in the relationship perhaps in a negative way. I'm trying to let those negative feelings wash away as I think that honestly as a step parent I have the utmost support from my husband. This is something that I see other friends struggle with. I have a friend from school who's son lives with them since he was about 5 -- the same age that Tristan was when I moved in with dad. There was a massive difference in how our families worked out. My friend's husband allowed the 5 year old to be disrespectful to her, and as he grew up he would hear his own father call her a 'bitch' and belittle her. My husband has always demanded they respect and follow my orders within reason and when he feels I'm overstepping the boundaries he will vocally say that he thinks I'm too far but in a respectful manner. Not once have they heard Aaron being disrespectful towards me. I had told my friend that she should expect the same from her relationship, but sadly it never really happened. The son is now 13 and he is very much disrespectful, does poorly in school and she is literally counting down the days until he's legally an adult.

Kids take a toll on any relationship. A lot changes, some for the worse, much for the better. You've stated you've always wanted this, so take it. With respect and boundaries, I think I would in the very beginning (as in Day 1), put up house rules with specific punishments for breaking them. That way all expectations are laid out. Have you guys done anything like that yet?

We have been talking with her what we expect. That first and foremost grades are the utmost important, and that even if she cleans the house from top to bottom if she gets a D in a class it would not be tolerated. We told her though that if she proves herself to be mature we will loosen up on her and give her privileges and treated like an adult.

If she doesn't, she looses privileges and will be treated like a child. We have told her specifically she is in charge of keeping her room clean and her laundry clean and folded. Outside of that the only other thing I ask of her is to wash the dishes (I'll put them away since she doesn't like that...I abhor dishes...) and keep an eye on the dogs and make sure they go outside to go potty on a regular basis so they don't go on the floor. Other than that there hasn't been any other expectations made.

Oh and she's not allowed to be disrespectful and sass back. We told her we will tell her when she goes overboard and as long as she corrects it, no problem. She's fairly mature for her age, in all honesty.

I think it'll be a good adventure. :)

Haha. xD

It's going. The weekend flew by far too quickly. I have tomorrow "off" but have enough errands to fill it. I'll have a busy two months with interning (more group work) and then I get a mini vacation. Cannot wait!

How about you? How have you been?

What were the temps yesterday? It's been chilly and rainy here recently, though before that it was blistering!

The kiddo is doing well. She just went to bed. And the hubs is likely getting a job this week as an MRHT-1 while he waits to take his board exam and work with his (would be then) RN license. Things are falling into place, and no complaints. :)

I'd melt. Folks here don't typically have AC units (for example, we're not allowed them in our current apartment per the lease agreement). I'm bitchy at 70. >.>

Awww, thanks! ^-^

*pushes thread upward*

*pokes Chi*

How's things going? Tomorrow is first day on the phones at new job. Very nervous. I think if I survive tomorrow I will be good to go.

Also, Pam I believe is officially moving in on Friday. I think we will have both kids for the week, and then I know Tristan wants to go back on the weekend to go to some racecar thing with his mom's boyfriend. I don't think Pam is interested...but we'll see?

Sounds like change is on the horizon. (:

Things here are trucking along. Cole has his filler job while waiting to take his board exams. He also has a date for that. It's been a little harder juggling more of Terra and house stuff on my own, but not terrible. I have today off, and she's going to daycare, so I should be able to clean more. I got all the clutter taken care of yesterday, as well as dishes. It just needs the dusting, vacuuming, etc.

I have about 8 weeks left of interning--likely closer to 9 due to client cancellations. I'm going to wrack my brain to think of ideas I can do to gain lots of hours in once. I'll be short 10-15. I'm thinking of a seminar or sorts on client self-advocacy. I would need to begin preparing it now, though. I'll hit up my supervisor and see what she thinks. I'd likely do it the first or second week in August.

I can't believe it's almost done. I'm beyond excited! I also applied for one job I'm not yet qualified for but would be upon graduation.

Oh I forgot to mention the big anime/videogame convention is this Saturday/Sunday. I'm super excited for that, as are the kids I'm sure!

Luckily today I only have 2 hours of live calls...not 4 like originally planned. I think getting a small taste is better than having us jump in head first as they were going to do. We're going to do a couple of 'crash courses' today, some shadowing, then at the very end of the day we will start taking a couple hours of calls. Whew.

I saw on Facebook that Cole has something going and it sounds pretty interesting. I'm glad to hear you two are doing so well and he's already done with his schooling, and you're sooo close too!! I bet it will feel unbelievable to both be over that big life hurdle.

I have ruled out school completely, but with Pam moving in I'm going to just sit put working at home for the time being and maybe scale back my hours to part time once Aaron is in officially at work and has a full paycheck plus we have healthcare. It all depends on how much Pam needs me to get her around. I'm going to soon get my license and try to step up to the plate on helping her get to and from school stuff...between me and dad. My neighbor already said I'm more than welcome to use her car for testing. Maybe next week Friday I will go to the DMV and get my permit again. `*deep breaths*

A lot has been changing lately, but it feels like it's all for the better. I think Pam will be much happier at our house and I'm hoping that will reflect in her doing better in school and also helping her eat healthier so we can get her loosing some weight. Her knees are bothering her and apparently she has some cartilage issues. The doctor has prescribed something for the pain for the time being and has written her a script for 8 sessions of physical therapy. I'm assuming twice a week for a month. That's going to have to happen at our house as she's moving on Friday...so it's going to be interesting trying to get that set up as I'm still doing 2-10s. I'm assuming Aaron will have to schedule it for late afternoons so he can get his sleep in first. Otherwise, it's going to have to wait a couple weeks at the least as I need to get my permit, get some practice in and test....

It sounds like the changes are rewarding enough to do them, hey? Keep me posted on how it goes. :3 <3

Time to give the thread some love!

Just out of curiosity...ever feel any regrets in life for what you did or didn't do?

I'm having a major one of mine come up, but I know it's way too late in life to really do anything with it. With talking to Ferra about Japanese and Japanese culture I'm finding myself kind of feeling a pang of regret for dropping out of college at 18 and moving to England. She's doing what I wanted to do as a teenager, and while I'm super stoked at where she's at I feel myself thinking she's where I wanted to be. I love my husband, and my stepkids for sure...but it's just one of those things that I guess will always be that way.

I feel like I'm way too old now to be considered for any sort of scholarship/internship even if I was still single and had the drive to do it. Besides, I still haven't mastered the courage to get my license back again to drive...I still find myself struggling to do that, and until I do that I'm literally going nowhere, fast.

*sighs* I guess I'm just trying to beat myself up about something. Perhaps if I had made it where I wanted to be I would be sitting overseas wishing for something else. I guess I just need to be happy for what is, not what could of been.

Have I ever regretted stuff? Of course. My main regret is that I didn't move faster. If I had moved faster, I would have likely been with Cole sooner, would have gone to college sooner, and I'd have been able to have a solid income before having Terra. I regret some of my teen years, though looking at it from an adult perspective, what happened to me wasn't my fault. I just wasn't strong enough, and looking at what I juggled, I was stronger than many.

What leaves me at peace is knowing Terra is who she is because of how things turned out to be. I wouldn't want to trade that. I just feel like I could be a better mother without the school garbage over my head. The slack I give myself is that she'll be 3 after I graduate (turns 3 two or three weeks after I'm done), and I gave her all any baby could ever ask for during pregnancy and the first 18 months.

I'm wondering if soul searching might do you some good. It feels as though you're setting yourself up for defeat before you even begin. It's like the "Yes, but..." we all do. "Yes, I would love to do that, but I can't because of this, this, and this." It's already set up for failure before it's even tried.

I'm not sure what Ferra's up to these days, but I do know I went through school (undergraduate AND graduate) with 50+ year olds. With scholarships. Doing internships with me. Age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Drive to pursue potential does, as does breaking down the barriers of fear.

Soul search. If you're unhappy with what is, find out the whys. If the whys are valid, think about changing. If the whys are a "grass is always greener" thing, then it might not be worth the change.

I'm not you, and you're not me, but when I waited on getting my license, and then had my license but still feared driving anywhere but the rural areas, I felt like I was wasting myself. I HAD to get over the fear in order to get that case management job, and it was the best thing for me to do. Easy? Hell no. It was frightening. I still struggle with it. I would love to work from home (grass is always greener), but you know? I know me well enough to know that working from home would harm me. I don't do well being home. I start to fear going outside again, like I had as a teen/young adult. When I have a 3-4 day weekend (if I don't go anywhere), it is like pulling teeth to get out and going again.

As much as isolation feels safe some days, enough studies have shown it increases depression and anxiety, greatly. I can't speak for you, but I feel that you'd feel better if you got out there and pursued a passion. If you gave your experience elsewhere, and received new experience in turn.

The age argument is invalid. What are the other reasons you don't pursue something more? It feels very often, almost weekly, that you're discontent, especially with work. Really, it's almost always work. You are sometimes hesitant regarding your husband and stepkids, but hell... we all are. To have relationships has all the good and the bad with it. But the work thing, and your own potential, I feel you've been stuck on this for a long while.

Does that make any sense?

It does...make sense. To be honest I was a bit hesitant to come back in here, as part of me was preparing something along the lines my mother might of said to me. I guess the older I get doesn't really fully erase things said or done. I think with the whole subject of Japan it opens one of those long healed wounds up. I was gungho about it from sophomore year of high school up until the end of my first semester in college. Between my parents and their unsupportive-ness of my passion, and how badly it seemed to have been going for me trying to get in for the monbusho scholarship and make friends with the transfer students...I finally just gave up on it as it felt like everything was working against me. The only one who I felt really gave a damn about me was my ex-husband, who I met during my first semester of college. I walked away and moved to England because I felt that was the right thing to do, and that the ex-husband was the only person who could really love and understand me.

Well that whole thing unravelled within 5 years time and I ended up coming back here. I had enough and wanted to stay here, but my ex-husband didn't want to entertain it at all. I finally had enough when he was expecting me to do all of the legwork for the paperwork, and then finally after hashing out in an argument over IM about his unwillingness to schedule his own appointment for the US embassy in London he finally let his real feelings be known. That's OK, I honestly don't miss him...no ill will.

Well Aaron kind of happened while once again I fall out with my mother. He almost didn't want to get romantically involved due to my situation and me being so dependent. I still feel like he's the only one that really 'gets' me, but at the same time with him working night shifts I rarely ever get to see him. Now with the kids here full time what time he is home and awake almost all of his free time is occupied taking care of them and spending time with them.

Life was good when we worked similar working patterns, and when the majority of the time it was just him and I.

Then yes you've hit the nail on the head. I hate my job, and I hate what I've become. I've just learned to try and mask the majority of it and tell myself it's just a means to keep a roof over my head. I'm struggling to get my license back, and without that there's not a whole lot I can do. Factor in we have one vehicle, that is barely hanging in there, and yeah I feel pretty fucking stuck. I also feel like the maintenance and upkeep of a second vehicle would be too costly. Add the fact that I feel like I'm at my prime at $11 an hour, I don't know what else to do. Trying to dig myself out of the hole I've created seems so much harder than just learning to lie in it.

If I were to even consider my old dreams I would have to end it with Aaron. There's no way I could with his support. He would have to move further away from the children for me to get my education and maybe further still for me to find employment. It's just me being childish, and holding onto something that just isn't meant to be.

*sighs* I really am feeling so depressed and down I'm on the edge of breaking down in tears, and running out of words to say. I've felt pretty damn depressed about this whole thing for some time now. I can't run back to my parents anymore...they can't help me emotionally or financially.

Right now I'm basically trying to thin out what little money I have to make sure that car insurance gets paid on time, and that we get lot rent in the mail so we don't get hit with a late fee. In the meantime worrying that we have enough money to keep the car running and the kids fed.

I really wanted Aaron to put his foot down when his ex-wife's boyfriend decided to force his will on the whole situation. Before we would switch off having them one week then off the next, now it's where they're here all the time and we get every other weekend off...except it's not the same as they aren't in school and therefore at the house all day, every day dirtying up more laundry, dishes and eating what food we do have left. Meanwhile, the time we do have them will count towards his abatement, which will only cut our child support payments in half and even still that other half will go directly to the balance outstanding because Aaron didn't do his followup with his previous employer to make sure they were deducting it.

Ugh now I just feel like such a selfish bitch for not just being happy and 'going with it'...Yes, Aaron's employed and we're keeping our heads above water still...but I'm not happy. Furthermore, there isn't an easy solution to make me happy. Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible for me to be happy.

I'm really starting to think that. That no matter what circumstances I'm in I'm going to be fucking miserable, as that's all I really know and have been.

I hate myself.

Let's play fantasy land for a minute. What, exactly, would need to happen for you to pursue your dreams in Japan?

Looking at that, still in fantasy land, what would be second best? What, exactly, would need to happen for that to be pursued?

It feels like you're looking at the big picture and needing to jump into it all at once, when I'm wondering instead if smaller steps could be taken now while you work and while you're still living where you are. The kids will soon be adults (sad but true) in the grand scheme, especially for anything involving education.

Are there steps you could break your wants down into now, and chip away at them one by one? Processes like these can take years, yet you might feel better too. Hating yourself is a shame since you've got a lot to offer. You may not think you do, but you do.

Honestly, I'm sorry for the emotional sharting (shit/farting - watch southpark to get the reference. Aaron says it whenever I get my 'emotional diarrhea' everywhere) on you last night. I'm just very stressed and unhappy with what little control I feel I have over life. That's what I think it boils down to.

With the whole dreams and aspirations of Japan, that's what it is. The Monbusho did have an age cap of 30, if I remember right, and I believe the JET program was the same. That being said, I can't see Aaron wanting to follow along while I did something like that. I need to find something more feasible. Lets face it, in Michigan there isn't much need for someone knowing Japanese. I thought about it the other night and I would love to teach children/young adults Japanese but lets face it -- the teaching industry is in shambles, and the other problem is Japanese isn't typically an option in most high schools as far as electives. I was just very lucky that my high school offered it. It's just something I've always been interested in, and I enjoy cooking Japanese dishes and sharing cultural information with the kids. I use to have a bookshelf filled with Japanese language, culture, and what not. Also a shelf that was completely dedicated to religion. That was my other really big interest.

I just can't honestly think of something in great need in the area that I live in that I would be a perfect fit. I was doing the educational parapro/early childhood development path at the local college...the thing with that is one of the professors there sat me down and said point blank that I was going down a dead end. People were graduating with my degree and having trouble trying to find work, having to take crap like Walmart jobs. Basically demotivating me from wanting to continue with that.

I think until I find something feasible I can do, and a school nearby I can do it in...I'm kind of feeling like I'm up a creek without a paddle. It's frustrating because I know I'm intelligent, and I know I'm really selling myself short in the line of work I do. It's just a job I can do without travel, and one that pays pretty decent given the fact that I'm lacking a 'proper' education.

And lets face it right now with the kids at the house 24/7 it is working well to have me here. That being said with Aaron working nights he's here and sleeping for the majority of the time that they're awake...

If early childhood development isn't feasible in terms of jobs, are behavioral health professionals? You'd have a direct hand in helping children work on behavioral plans to help manage symptoms. You'd be a role model and mentor, someone they could trust.

Or working with adults in similar fashions. What does O*Net say about the jobs you could see yourself doing? It's important to choose something that brings in money, is rewarding, and is feasible to do.

My brain is pretty well done. Hang in there... ): <3