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-   -   winter (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80064)

lilpanda1224 12-07-2007 06:47 PM

winter
 
chilling freezing ice
slipping sliding ice skating
frozen red hands

iViolent 12-07-2007 10:51 PM


its good except im not sure if i like that ice was mentioned twice D:

chelsearose. 12-08-2007 12:45 AM

It's good, but as iViolent said, the ice being mentioned twice is a bit of a throw off. Haiku tends to flow a lot better when the lines mesh better, not just naming off random things about a topic. Something like this for example (Made it up on the spot in a bit of a hurry so it isn't that great, but it gives you an idea of what I mean):

Spring birds emerge now,
Cold ushered by their voices,
Singing like angels.

Try re-writing your haiku as something happening and see what comes out of it :3

Also, be careful with your syllables! Your last line only has 4 syllables, instead of 5.

I hope this helps :3 Also, if you weren't looking for any critisizm/help, or don't like my advice, sorry in advance! I mean no harm, just trying to help you out :3

Bloody Rag Doll 12-08-2007 01:29 AM

I like it.


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