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winter
chilling freezing ice
slipping sliding ice skating frozen red hands |
its good except im not sure if i like that ice was mentioned twice D: |
It's good, but as iViolent said, the ice being mentioned twice is a bit of a throw off. Haiku tends to flow a lot better when the lines mesh better, not just naming off random things about a topic. Something like this for example (Made it up on the spot in a bit of a hurry so it isn't that great, but it gives you an idea of what I mean):
Spring birds emerge now, Cold ushered by their voices, Singing like angels. Try re-writing your haiku as something happening and see what comes out of it :3 Also, be careful with your syllables! Your last line only has 4 syllables, instead of 5. I hope this helps :3 Also, if you weren't looking for any critisizm/help, or don't like my advice, sorry in advance! I mean no harm, just trying to help you out :3 |
I like it.
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