Menewsha Avatar Community - Intro to my story, Diary of a Vampire (crit please)

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Intro to my story, Diary of a Vampire (crit please)

There was a full moon out that night. Though I was very young. I don't remember much. That night were-wolves had attacked the castle. Howls and barking noises sounded, setting off the alarm.
I remember being rapped in a blanket and tossed into a basket along with another girl. I think, she was my sister. There was a strange noise full of sadness, crying I presume. A woman I believe to be my mother was hovering over the basket. Her head in her hands covering her face.
A door opened, revealing what seemed to be a servant. I was carriend in the basket to outside somewhere. Then it seemed like the basket was dropped and leaves thrown over it to hide it. I remember the scent of the leaves, they smelled somewhat like mint and had a bit of bitter-sweet smell. A few seconds later a high pitched blood curdling scream was heard along with a howl. Then the clash of metal and body. A fight had broken out. Blood splattered and bodies tore. The sound of flesh was sickening. Then nothing, an eerie silence had replaced the battle cries and other battles sounds. The silenced stretched on and I can't seem to remember what happened after that..... But that was 14 years ago, I am now 15.

Quote:

Originally Posted by luna_rose_petal (Post 3107165)

There was a full moon out that night. Though I was very young. I don't remember much. That night were-wolves had attacked the castle. Howls and barking noises sounded, setting off the alarm.
I remember being wrapped in a blanket and tossed into a basket along with another girl. I think, she was my sister. There was a strange noise full of sadness, crying I presume. A woman I believe to be my mother was hovering over the basket. Her head in her hands covering her face.
A door opened, revealing what seemed to be a servant. I was carried in the basket to outside somewhere. Then it seemed like the basket was dropped and leaves thrown over it to hide it. I remember the scent of the leaves, they smelled somewhat like mint and had a bit of bitter-sweet smell. A few seconds later a high pitched blood curdling scream was heard along with a howl. Then the clash of metal and body. A fight had broken out. Blood splattered and bodies tore. The sound of flesh was sickening. Then nothing, an eerie silence had replaced the battle cries and other battles sounds. The silenced stretched on and I can't seem to remember what happened after that..... But that was 14 years ago, I am now 15.

I've highlighted a couple of spelling mistakes.

Okay, firstly, the atmosphere is quite good, but it's not very cohesive and lacks flow - probably because there are almost no commas in there at all. Try combining sentences to get more flow.
e.g:
"A few seconds later a high pitched blood-curdling scream was heard along with a howl, followed by the clash of metal and body."

Finally, I highly doubt anyone can remember anything from when they were a year old, let alone in that much detail.

Aww Pearl!
You said everything that was needed to be said.
x3

I shall beat you to it one day!
Just wait!
>:3

Quote:

Originally Posted by luna_rose_petal (Post 3107165)

1There was a full moon out that night. 2Though I was very young. 3I don't remember much. 4That night were-wolves had attacked the castle. 5Howls and barking noises sounded, setting off the alarm.
6I remember being wrapped in a blanket and tossed into a basket along with another girl. 7I think, she was my sister. 8There was a strange noise full of sadness, crying I presume. 9A woman I believe to be my mother was hovering over the basket. 10Her head in her hands covering her face.
11A door opened, revealing what seemed to be a servant. 12I was carried in the basket to outside somewhere. 13Then it seemed like the basket was dropped and leaves thrown over it to hide it. 14I remember the scent of the leaves, they smelled somewhat like mint and had a bit of bitter-sweet smell. 15A few seconds later a high pitched blood curdling scream was heard along with a howl. 16Then the clash of metal and body. 17A fight had broken out. 18Blood splattered and bodies tore. 19The sound of flesh was sickening. 18Then nothing, an eerie silence had replaced the battle cries and other battles sounds. 19The silenced stretched on and I can't seem to remember what happened after that..... 20But that was 14 years ago, I am now 15.

You hit the right tone with the atmosphere, as already stated, but most, if not all, of your choice descriptive phrases are overused and weak. You used the comma incorrectly (or just awkwardly) in sentence 7 and three periods would have sufficed to end sentence 19. While you are given free right to artistic license, I believe that any more is an eyesore and reminiscent of bad fan fiction.

Speaking of fan fiction, the overall tone of this 'intro' was just that- adolescent. Not the genre, which would be suitable I think, but your sentence structure and use of devices. While you have the ability to paint a mental picture, your skills as a writer are, for the most part, under-developed. Sentences like 10 and 19 are confusing (I myself don't think flesh has a sound, so I don't think it would be sickening- try throwing a verb in there) and sentence 14 was redundant. While I understood what you were doing by appealing to the sense of smell (one of the strongest ties to memory) you chose to use two different descriptions for the smell of the same leaves ('like mint and yet bitter-sweet'). An idea; 'like mint, bitter-sweet' as not to contradict yourself.

Over all, if it were a book I wouldn't read it for two main reasons. First reason being that the little premise I've seen here (young girl, princess of some kind, vampiric in nature) is overdone and I'm picky- the second being that your writing, while showing promise, is more of a headache than an enjoyment for myself at this time.

I'd work on, again, honing your skills as a writer before setting out to write something of your own. Good luck, and excuse my disjointed thoughts.