09-03-2011, 09:50 AM
I don't know that I want advice, I just need to say this to somebody. I can't talk to friends because both groups of my friends are involved. And I can't talk to my family because they have no idea I'm bisexual. I suppose now would be a great time to get to the point...
I have been with my boyfriend for seven happy years. We are high school sweethearts who went to college together and plan to get married someday in the not-too-distant future. I love him with all my heart, but he is my first boyfriend. I've never really even kissed anybody else and I certainly haven't slept with anyone else. He knows I'm bisexual, accepts it, and even asks my opinions on the attractiveness of other women. But, if I seem to into it, he feels a little threatened. I hate making him feel inadequate (because he's not), but I can't help how I feel.
The problem I have now is that I have feelings for my best friend. She and I have been super close since the eighth grade and if I hadn't been damnably shy (and in denial of my sexuality) I don't doubt we would have dated. Many nights I stayed over at her house; talking (and flirting) until the sun came up, and sleeping together, cuddling, in the same queen-sized bed. She also went to the same college as my boyfriend and I, so we have remained close. But because she and I were so busy we didn't get to see each other much. She dated other people (men and women), and it feels like that made her more careful around me. Even though I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend, I miss our flirting and care-free comfort with each other. I stayed at her house recently, and instead of automatically setting me up in her (same) bed, she put me out in the living room on the wood floor. I feel a little pathetic saying it, but I tried to cry myself to sleep. It didn't work because I was so uncomfortable on the floor. Eventually, secretly in tears, I dragged my pillows in like a child who had a bad dream and asked to sleep in her bed. She let me, but it just wasn't the same.
I was fine (or at least accepted) just being friends since we're both taken now, but recently I had some...romantic...dreams about her. I've also been having fantasies and erotic dreams about additional women to rival those of a teenage boy! It's frustrating to say the least. I still have no desire to cheat on or break up with my boyfriend (I want to emphasize this), but it is a fond wish of mine to kiss her just once.
I don't know that I want advice (though I won't turn it down), I just had to get this off my chest and Menewsha has been a supportive community for me thus far. Thank you for reading this far and for any words of wisdom you can offer.
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